Voice of the Spirit

At the end of a relationship, have you ever wished that you only knew certain things about the person in the beginning?  Would it
surprise you to know that those very things may have always been there – for you to see?  We need to always look for the “red flags”
when meeting new people, whether in romantic relationships, friendships, career or business partnerships.  “Red flags” are the
divine universe’s way of providing us with the necessary warning signs and alarms that are vital to protecting us from negative and
debilitating life changing relationships.

How many times have I heard client’s say, “If I only would have listened to my first impressions and what my gut said when I met
that person, I wouldn’t have gone through such a horrible experience?  The red flags were right there for me to see, but I
ignored them, and did what I wanted to do anyway.” 

As we look back at our failed and problematic relationships, we’ll see that the red flags and warning signs were indeed there.
Whether immediately apparent or revealed in a reasonable amount of time, who a person really is and what their true intentions are
toward us always become clear. 

We now need to incorporate the awareness from what we’ve been through before into our experience today, as to not make the same
missteps again.  Also, we need new tools that will help us to see people for who they really are and help us to identify the red
flags right off the bat or shortly after we have met them.

To achieve that end, I have written the two-part series: “10 Undeniable Red Flags.” Today’s newsletter offers Part 1, #’s 1-5,
while Part 2, #’s 6-10 will appear in my the next blog entry.

1-First Impressions Don’t Lie
When we meet people, our innate psychic radar is tuned in loud and clear.  You can refer to it as intuition, gut level instinct, or an
unexplainable feeling.  Whatever you choose to call “it,” we are always “checking out” who a person really is when we meet them;
even if we don’t believe in psychic ability, intuition or anything beyond our five mundane senses. 

Why do we do this?  It ties into our need to survive.  What we’re looking for, even if we’re consciously unaware of this process, is to know who and what a person actually is; beneath their veneers and social skills.  By intuitively “checking someone out,” we see if they will threaten, harm, lie to us, or be beneficial in our lives.  It is the intuitive equivalent of stepping into a house we may purchase, looking around, scrutinizing it, and seeing if it’s a good or bad choice.  Do you remember the phrase, “The devil is a gentleman?”  Very few people instantly come off bad or project that they’re a negative person — certainly not in polite society.  In the beginning, most people are on their best behavior.  Also, the only way to draw you into the new relationship is to appear to be a good person.

So whatever your first impression is, it will be correct, especially if you’re going into it with an open mind.  Sure, if you’re meeting a blind date, and you want them to be “the one,” that clouds your real intuition, which can easily be replaced by your emotional desires pretending to be your gut. However, if you’re just being natural and neutral without expectation when you meet someone, your initial take on them will be correct.  Often, these feelings are absolutely contradictory to who a person “seems” to be, and don’t make sense at all.  However, they’re not supposed to, as intuition is not logical.  Intuition is beyond what we can perceive with our five physical senses. 

This very thing happened to Jennifer when she met a man named John who dressed well, was attractive, successful, and quite polite.  By anyone’s standards, he was a fantastic catch.  Yet something felt wrong — really wrong.  When she stood next to him, she was unsettled.  Something just didn’t feel right, which she couldn’t explain to herself, understand why, or even begin to know what it was.  Yet, in the midst of John gently talking about taking her on a lovely dinner date and gazing wistfully at her with his bright blue eyes, Jennifer’s uneasy feelings grew stronger.

So she decided to listen to what she felt, even though it seemed odd, and rejected John’s offer of a date.  What a smart move she made, as Jennifer later found out that he has several girlfriends, and that one of these women actually accused him of being abusive toward her.  By Jennifer listening to her gut, she avoided a potentially disastrous involvement that could have potentially lead her to a horrible life altering entanglement.  Here, her first impression showed her the truth, as it always does – and Jennifer was smart enough to listen, as we all should.

2-Instant Connection
“I have never felt a feeling like this before.  I was instantly so attracted to him, I couldn’t believe it.  Our eyes locked, and I was completely hypnotized.  From the moment we met, I fell in love,” Suzie explains about her new love, Jason.  “I know it’s happening so fast, but it feels so right,” she adds.  Quickly, the couple moved in together, and became engaged within a few months. Shortly after, the two married. 

However, after the dust settled, the couple realized that they really weren’t compatible at all.  Within a year or so, Suzie and Jason were divorced.  The instantaneous chemistry they experienced clouded the reality of who they really were as individuals, how they related to each other as a couple, and what they each needed in a relationship.

Do you remember the phrase, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is?”  When meeting someone who becomes our new best friend, or falling in love instantly, there are usually serious problems. With “instant connection,” it’s largely based on fantasy. By connecting so quickly, the reality of who a person is and the real chemistry of a relationship is obfuscated and made unclear. This way, (at least in the beginning) one can write the script any way they want.  Since it’s new, there’s no water under the bridge, baggage, issues, or problems; at least not yet.  However, sooner or later, the reality of the actual dynamics between two people always reveals itself.

As in the case of Suzie and Jason, the feelings they experienced hardly had anything to do with how they truly felt about each other on a real level.  They were both open to and looking for a certain experience – in the short of it, a whirlwind romance.  Suzie and Jason both provided a fantasy experience for each other, and projected what they wanted the other person to be.  That fantasy was bought into enough for them to even get married. 

Yet time proved their relationship wasn’t based on compatibility, shared goals, values, or dreams.  Suzie and Jason became interchangeable parts in each other’s agenda, and used therelationship to have the experience they individually desired. This experience was both emotionally and financially quite costly.  They both became disillusioned in love, and had to pay high lawyers’ fees, as the couple fought over an expensive home they jointly purchased.

So it is crucial when meeting people to never deny the red flag of “instant connection.”  If something is right, it will stand the test of time, and it will make sense as the relationship unfolds.  If it isn’t right, why put yourself in such a difficult situation, where you can become hurt, used, disillusioned, world weary, and even devastated?  Just like when driving a car, you hopefully wouldn’t turn on the ignition, and immediately jam the acceleration pedal to the floor.  With any new relationship possibility that crosses your pathway, let it grow organically and reasonably.  This way, the true reality of the “connection” you and this person share becomes revealed in a timely fashion.  This helps you to navigate your journey safely and productively.

3-What you see is what you get, sort of…
We often hear that honesty is the best policy in relationships, but are there ever situations where too much honesty can be a red flag…?

Too much truth can hide a lie. “Janice, I’m married. Just wanted to let you know the facts right off the bat,” Jose said.  Here, Janice is startled and surprised by what Jose, a man she just met, has said to her.  “He’s so honest.  At least I know what I’m dealing with,” Janice confides to a girlfriend.  Days later, Jose said to her, “I may be married, but I haven’t had sex with my wife for years.  The sight of her disgusts me, so I always sleep in the basement.”  Janice is further intrigued.  Since Jose was initially honest about being a married man, she thinks that what Jose is saying now (about not being sexually active with his wife for years), must also be true.  However, it was a lie.  Jose has had a regular sex life with his wife since they were married. 

Some people, such as Jose, initially tell the truth in a way that is unflattering to themselves by declaring such things as:  “I’m married.”  “I’ve had a drug problem in the past.”  “I’ve been arrested once before a long time ago.”  “You might ask, “Why would anyone do this?”  Because these types of admissions are designed to make the person saying such things look totally honest, which allows them to gain the trust of others.  It appears as if a person such as Jose is actually noble, and willing to risk it all, solely to tell the truth.  Then, if trust can be gained, it is presumable that the other person, such as Janice, will believe what is also said to them.  It can actually create an even deeper trust, as someone like Janice feels that they’re in on the secret, and included in on private and privileged information.  It all creates a powerful smoke screen.
 
What if the person admitting their past drug problem said it to hide the fact that they’re still doing drugs now?  How about if the person acknowledging they were arrested before said it to avoid the reality that they actually did hard prison time recently, and has trouble with the law again?  The red flags are clear.  When any of us meet someone like Jose, we should always ask ourselves: “Why would someone I just met tell me things about themselves that are downright incriminating?  What do they have to gain by telling me this information?  Who am I to know all of this…?”  Something is obviously wrong, and it can’t be denied. 

Unfortunately, Janice bought into the illusion of Jose being a blatantly honest man.  She had the affair with him, and eventually discovered that he and his wife were still having sex.  Janice was his mistress for five long years, as she couldn’t put her mind around the red flag of his “false honesty.”  Even though honesty may not always be designed to camouflage a lie as it was for Jose, it can be a powerful game and even a weapon.

Honesty as a game and a weapon
“Cindy, I don’t want a commitment,” David flatly states.  He just started communicating with Cindy online, and wants to establish the rules of the game straight away.  On the other hand, she also recently started talking with Frank, another man she met online. Frank says the opposite of David:  “I’m looking to get married now, Cindy, and that’s what I want.” 

Both of these honest statements are a red flag.  Why?  Because these two “honest” men come into a new relationship with a pre-existing agenda, without even knowing who Cindy is.  This means that these men are not really open to what a new relationship can be.  Cindy is put in the position of having to accommodate the rules of the game, as laid out by David or Frank.  The agenda of David is to avoid commitment, yet still have sex, while Frank is looking for a wife, plain and simple.  This allows them to establish control of whatever builds from the initial contact, as they have rigidly defined the parameters of what the relationship will be from here on out.

However, Cindy realized that what these two men were engaging her in a game – one where only they set the rules.  As she really did want a real relationship, she cut her ties with David and Frank, and began meeting new people.

In addition to it being a game as is was with David and Frank, too much honesty can also be a quite powerful weapon:  “I don’t like your dress,” Bill says to Tasha, who he’s on his first date with.  “I think it’s not very attractive on you at all,” he further chimes in.  Here, his honesty makes Tasha feel bad about herself, especially because she didn’t even ask Bill what he thought of her dress.  “What do you want me to do?  Lie?  I’m just being honest with you,” Bill further defends.  This type of honesty is a huge red flag, as it allows Bill to attack Tasha’s self image and self esteem, which sets himself up to use honesty as a way to dominate, control, and potentially abuse her.  Tasha felt so energetically molested by Bill’s comments, that she dumped him flat that evening, as the red flag was so crystal clear to her.  Bill tried to further create excuses for his behavior; that’s he a little blunt, but that
he doesn’t mean to hurt anybody…but Tasha refused to buy into it.

Honesty as an excuse
Like Bill, some use honesty as a way of defining their faults right up front, simply as a way of excusing them.  “I know I’m always late.  That’s just the way I am.  I’m sorry, but I just wanted to let you know up front,” Kevin says to Joel, a new potential business partner.  “If I show up late, don’t take it personally, as it’s just the way I’ve always been,” he further adds.  Here, Kevin is not trying to acknowledge his faults as a way of working on them and becoming a better person.  It’s just a way of him saying that this is who he is and the way it will be, and for Joel to be prepared to deal with it.  Kevin is using honesty as a way of justifying being inconsiderate of his potential new partner, and setting the tone.  If Kevin’s late and his partner has to wait, who gets victimized?  Of course, Joel does.

However, Joel decided to ignore this red flag.  He chose to see Kevin’s admission as forthright and decided to go into business with him anyway:  “Hey, no one’s perfect.  So Kevin’s late sometimes.  I can deal with that,” Joel said.  However, little did Joel know that it would cost him a valuable business contract.  In typical fashion, Kevin showed up late for a business meeting where a potential investor simply got tired of waiting around.  He then pulled the plug on investing into Kevin and Joel’s enterprise. This was all because the potential investor was soured by Kevin’s lack of professionalism.

In any relationship, whether professional or personal, we all want to be involved with someone who is honest.  That goes without saying.  However, we need to watch for the instances where too much honesty becomes something we get fooled by.  It is a definite red flag whenever honesty is used to set up or achieve an additional agenda or ulterior motive.

4-Lies, Lies, Lies
Very few people just lie through their teeth when you first meet them, as no one would consider a person like that to be credible on any level.  Anyone who lies about anything and everything appears mentally ill. Therefore, a good liar mixes the lies with the truth. More importantly, though, is to watch how a liar slowly and insidiously incorporates their lies into a new relationship. Things might start off seemingly good, until the story of who they are and what they initially presented themselves to be changes and shifts — a little at a time. 

If the red flags are not apparent immediately, they will begin to be revealed within a reasonable amount of time.  The key is to not get emotionally hooked into the person within that probationary period, as you’ll need to extricate yourself from the relationship if the lies begin emerging.

That’s exactly what happened to Jonathan.  He came up with an idea for an internet business, and in looking for someone to work with, he ran into Edward, who claimed to have launched several successful internet ventures.  Edward offered names of people he had worked with, and the information he provided seemed to check out at first.  However, as several weeks unfolded, holes started appearing in Edward’s story.  He assured Jonathan that he would speak with former associates, and even mentioned times where communication would occur.  However, these “partners” never called Jonathan as Edward had promised they would.  At first, it was explained as so and so was busy, out of town, and will get back in touch.  After three weeks of this, Jonathan became suspicious. 

Edward put Jonathan in touch with some financial investors, who sounded upbeat and positive in the initial conversations about funding the project.  Edward then assured Jonathan that the money was going to come within a few weeks.  As Jonathan waited, the money never came.  The only thing that moved forward with the project was that Edward wanted Jonathan to sign papers to make him a partner. 

It was now about 6 weeks into this, and nothing had materialized as Edward promised it would.  Although not instantly, the red flags revealed themselves in a timely fashion well within 90 days.  Jonathan had seen enough warning signs, and decided to terminate his new relationship with Edward, and simply moved on.  Maybe not at first, but liars always do get caught and busted. Their deception and secretiveness will make a person they’re involved with suspicious and mistrustful of who they are and what they do.  Eventually, it all comes out.  But what if it’s too late?  Meaning, what if one is too emotionally involved to cut their ties once the lies are completely unveiled?

This is what Laura went through when she started dating Chuck in early 2006.  At first, Chuck declared that he was a faithful man, open and honest, only dates one woman at a time, and would never lie to Laura.  (Initially Laura’s intuition strongly warned her to stay away from Chuck, as her gut felt that something was wrong.) Yet she decided to continue dating him and let the situation unfold, as she had no tangible proof of him being a liar.

As time went on, he seemed more and more secretive, and closed off a lot of the time.  It got worse after the first few weeks of their relationship.  When he explained where he was and what he was doing, there were holes in his stories – timelines and dates didn’t add up or make sense.  How could he be with his mother, yet be spotted in a bar by one of Laura’s friends at the same time?  It was becoming increasingly clear after about 4 weeks, that Chuck was deceptive.  In spite of these multiple red flags which grew stronger, she was emotionally too involved to just get out. 

So she asked God almighty to show her what her new boyfriend was doing, as she supposedly wanted to know the truth.  Do you recall the phrase, “Don’t wish for something, you might just get it?”  Laura’s wish was definitely granted to her within 7 weeks.  One day, she came over to see Chuck, who was in the shower when she arrived.  He accidentally left his computer on, and as Laura walked by, it was all there for her to see:  pornographic pictures from other women, sexually explicit messages, and dates and times when Chuck would be meeting these other females.  It all came out — as it always does.  However, when she found out the truth, she claimed it was too late for her to get out of the relationship.  She was too emotionally into Chuck, and therefore, she decided to stay with him.

Very few people lie extensively right off the bat.  The red flags may be apparent in small ways (which should never be denied), but if not, they will emerge.  At first, a liar has to create a smokescreen that might seem plausible.  With Edward, he played himself off as being more successful than he was and tried to string Jonathan out with false hopes.  With Chuck, he portrayed himself as the good guy — but through time, the illusion came crashing down.

The real key is to never deny any red flags that present themselves at any point in the relationship, whether in the beginning or a bit down the road; before your emotions get too involved.  Even if it’s not apparent at first, it all comes out in the wash.  Just be open to the truth, and don’t deny the red flags, as they never lie as people like Edward and Chuck do…

5-Push me, pull me
For any of us who have been in a push me pull me relationship, its dizzying effects can be worse than being dumped.  The ups and downs and roller coaster-esque ride not only cause us to lose our center; they can also make us relinquish control of our lives.  Being preoccupied, unable to focus at work, not eating, worrying incessantly if and when we’ll hear from them, draining our friends by repeating the same concerns over and over again, and shutting down are all typical symptoms of the push me, pull me syndrome. 

Usually, the red flags are apparent pretty quickly as the new lover you’ve met comes on strong at first – in fact, very strong.  This is necessary for them to hook you in.  Without coming on strong initially, it is presumable that you won’t invest your mind, body, and soul into this new relationship.  That investment on your part is necessary for them to be able to play this game on you.  Then, once you’re hooked, they pull back.  Why?  This is their way of establishing control, setting the tone, limits, parameters, and dynamics of the relationship.  They see you when it’s convenient to them, and if and when they choose not to, you’re put on the shelf till they decide to connect with you later.  It allows them to have their cake and eat it too.

They are counting on you clinging to false hopes, as you can remember that way it initially was, and hope for a return to the magic that briefly once was.  After all, the honeymoon just occurred.  You can believe that by being patient and biding your time, things will someday go back to the way they were in the beginning.  Remember, the person in control serves two masters: on one hand, the relationship, and conversely, their ego, selfishness and mind games which creates inconsistency, distance, avoidance and unavailability.  And it’s all done on purpose…because if you believe they’re confused, and/or become confused yourself, the relationship keeps on going.

Using confusion as a way to create confusion
This is what Joyce went through when she met Steve who immediately showed a strong interest in her.  After about three weeks or so, he began playing the push me, pull me game.  Here was a gigantic red flag, and it created a lot of confusion for Joyce – exactly as it was supposed to.  Steve claimed that he was actually the one who was confused.  He said that he knew he had feelings for Joyce, but wasn’t sure if he was ready for a relationship (even though he’s the one who aggressively pushed it).  He then told Joyce that he wanted to still see her, but he couldn’t promise anything.  He might not always be there, be he would try, is how he spun it.

But in reality Steve wasn’t confused at all.  He simply pretended to be to confuse Joyce.  This is intended to create the illusion that he’s a man struggling to figure things out, work through his pain, past issues and baggage, and  today’s uncertainty.  However, those premises are entirely false.  He knew exactly what he wanted, which was to have Joyce in a non-committal relationship simply as a sexual partner.  So he pretended to be taking her to the moon, when in actuality, he wasn’t really taking her anywhere, to lure her in. The truth is that Steve has always been selfish, non-committal, and unfaithful – not searching his soul for answers and clarity to perplexing relationship issues.

Joyce bought into this initially, but she chose to not deny this red flag, and eventually cut Steve off for good.  For a while after she terminated the involvement, he called and tried to sweet talk her, but she caught on to who and what he was, thankfully. The push me, pull me relationship doesn’t only happen in romance, but also in any type of relationship, including friendship.  And just because it’s not romantic, doesn’t mean that the effects would be any less powerful.

Cheryl and Joan worked together, and had the same interests in art museums and movies.  Cheryl would ask Joan to go to an art museum showing, followed by a movie, but Cheryl soon came to realize that she couldn’t always depend on Joan.  Some of the time Joan would go, then other times, she’d back out at the last minute for no apparent reason. Cheryl tried to be understanding and flexible, but after a few months, this red flag was undeniable.  She couldn’t take it anymore.  So she decided to address this issue with Joan.

Joan became hostile and defensive when she responded: “I am an adult and have the freedom to live my life the way I choose.  I don’t owe you an explanation for my choices.”  However, this wasn’t about freedom and being who you are.  Joan’s actions were about selfishness, taking Cheryl for granted, and having it both ways. Joan wanted to be in control and follow through with plans when she wanted to, or simply blow them off if that suited her. 

Since Joan refused to meet Cheryl half way, she didn’t know what to do.  After all, she also worked with Joan, and didn’t want to create a huge problem.  It really hurt Cheryl’s feelings, as she thought she had made a real friend – not a fair weather acquaintance.  So as hurt as she was, she decided to gently fade away from Joan, a little at a time.  Joan still wanted to engage Cheryl in activities from time to time, but she was always busy or had things to take care of.

Those such as Steve and Joan are trying to use mixed signals as a way to control, limit, and define the relationship – in a selfish, inconsiderate way, solely on their terms.  There is no confusion or struggle within them.  They know the game and how to play it.  This is a huge power trip as they decide when and how things will be done.  With push me, pull me it’s always about them – not about you, regardless of how it is presented. 

You may feel wanted, needed, or important, but you’ll only be a vehicle for the other person’s gratification, duplicity, narcissism, and inconsistency in that most dreadful reality we’ve probably all been through of “push me, pull me.”  However, it is up to us as to whether we cut our ties, or stay in situations that have been shown to be negative to us.  When we walk away, we save ourselves literally from horrific life altering consequences that can affect our entire journey irrevocably.

Keep in mind that in Part 1 of “10 Undeniable Red Flags,” I intended to show that we can avoid negative and toxic relationships.  There’s no one or nothing up in the sky setting us up for a fall and for punishment.  It is us who makes these choices to accept an involvement with someone who will hurt us.  However, the red flags are always there for us to see: sometimes immediately, or within a reasonable amount of time so we can extricate ourselves from a bad situation.  It is up to us what we do with the red flags that come to us as a supreme gift from the divine universe that forever tries to watch over us, protect us, and guide us.  In the next entry, I will conclude this two part article. 

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