Voice of the Spirit

Here, in Part 2, topics 6-10 of “10 things that make or break a relationship,” I attempt to bring to a conclusion what I began in Part 1, topics 1-5 in my most recent blog entry.

As stated in my prior blog entry, each of the below mentioned topics can be looked at as separate issues in and of themselves, or as pieces that together, create a much bigger collective puzzle, unlocking the questions we all have regarding our deep and personal unions.  Since our love lives not only tie into our deepest hopes and emotional desires, but also our most profound fears and defenses, I hope this writing offers potentially helpful and clarifying information.

6- Infidelity

Mostly all of us have experienced some aspect of infidelity.  Whether it is being cheated on, seeing the effect of cheating on a friend or family member, or doing the cheating ourselves, I don’t think any of us can say we’ve lived a life without being touched somehow and in some way by unfaithfulness.  Cheating is as engrained into our collective consciousnesses as any long-standing traditions we’re used to thinking of as cultural mainstays.  There are so many countless angles and aspect of infidelity, that I thought it would be pertinent in this writing to focus on the concept of how unfaithfulness affects a relationship. 

What do we expect when we enter into a relationship regarding fidelity?  Most of us don’t go into expecting cheating, lies and deception.  But what happens when it does occur and how do we handle it then…?

I remember a client of mine who had been married for 30 years and couldn’t grasp how I was strongly feeling that her husband was cheating.  She wasn’t being defensive or in denial about it, she just couldn’t make sense of it logistically; “He works all day at the bank, then he comes home to me, and we’re together till he goes to work the next day,” she reasoned.  When I tuned in deeper, I felt something was going on at work.  It seemed unlikely, as he worked in a bank - not a strip club or bar.  But my feeling persisted.  She assured me she would check into it, follow my psychic leads and see what she found out.

I did hear back from her a short time later, and sure enough; he was having a long-standing affair with a female coworker.  The sexual activity was right there, in his office; behind a closed and locked door, as he was an executive in power and could get away with it.

Needles to say, she was devastated…She didn’t see it coming, thought she had a faithful husband, as there were no apparent signs of cheating at all - so the repercussions on her were dramatic: loss of trust in her husband, feelings of betrayal, and the sense that keeping her heart open was a scary proposition.

With this scenario, several repercussions can happen.  In this particular instance, my client did stay in the marriage, at least at that time, but was quite wounded - and those wounds are awfully hard to heal.  One person would head straight to a divorce attorney, and “take him to the cleaners,” while others would attempt to somehow fix things.  It’s as if the relationship is a delicate crystal figurine - when it’s thrown against the wall, it is very hard to glue back together.

Many spouses, who experienced this type of ultimate and supreme deception, become shattered beyond repair, thinking it’s somehow their fault and that they somehow brought it on.  Even if they divorce, the deep emotional wounds can lead to choosing people who are not right for them, as the healing may take longer than most of us are willing to wait before connecting with someone new.  This is like having a broken leg, and beginning to jog on it way before it’s back to normal.

Often, someone senses something is wrong — it’s in their gut.  “I feel my husband is cheating on me…” But instead of trying to get to the bottom of it, they sort of sweep in under the rug, tune it out… even pretend this nagging gut feeling is somehow not real; “Oh, all of us get crazy feelings.  It must just be my imagination.” 

But it isn’t…  Remember, if something feels wrong, it probably is wrong!  Intuition doesn’t lie, and avoiding the truth won’t make the problem go away; it postpones the inevitable until it hits us, often right between the eyes.  This type of person, even after finding out, may rationalize the situation; “Oh, no one’s perfect!  He’ll outgrow it I’m sure.  We all make mistakes.”  Here the person keeps the gravy train of denial rolling for as long as possible. Not facing it won’t make the problem go away…

On the flip side of the coin, there are those who feel their significant other’s unfaithfulness down to the core of their very being, and they want to find out what is really going on.  I’ve seen many people follow their gut level instincts, even doing seemingly strange things:  “I just had a feeling to go to this restaurant, and when I got there, she was sitting there with the other man.  I just knew,” a husband suspecting something shady going on explains.  Often this kind of deception ends the marriage, as the spouse is willing to know as well as face the truth — even going as far as to look for it.  He may choose to end the relationship and find someone new, probably better for him.

Then we see those who confess their infidelity, not because they want to atone or because of feeling truly remorseful… There is a much more ugly game here - confessing to the crime actually translates into:  “You weren’t good enough as my spouse so I had to do this; I’m confessing to punish you and make you feel bad about yourself and gain more control over you; I’m pretending to be honest so I can have the power to manipulate you back into the game and watch you tolerate what I do; I’m offering the truth to test the limits of what I can get away with and still win!  This sort of person loves to stretch the rubber band as far as they can without actually snapping it.  Frequently, the spouse here may accept this type of scenario once, maybe even twice, but after a while, the disingenuousness of this makes a partner fed up, feeling used, trapped and played.  Most of the time, the one lied to ends up leaving, sooner or later.  Confessing can also be a way of absolving oneself of ones own guilt, selfishly needing to be forgiven, no matter how it hurts their partner.

Sometimes one knows in their heart that their companion is being unfaithful - but their companion denies it, even vehemently.  Every time it’s brought up, it leads to a fight; “I’ve told you over and over again, that I’m not seeing anyone.  There is no one else,” a husband yells! 

What can be done here?  She can’t seem to catch him, yet she feels it - remember, this is the man she’s had children with, made love to for decades-she can sense what her man is out there doing.  In this instance, we need to call upon a higher power for guidance, truth and clarity.  I have offered the following affirmation to many of my clients in this precarious position, with great results:  Infinite intelligence, if my partner is cheating on me, bring me the truth and the proof immediately!  In time, the affirmation brings the reality of what’s going on right back to them, in startling ways! 

I remember a client telling me that after using this affirmation, a small piece of paper with the other woman’s phone number on it was found on her living room floor - no rhyme or reason - there it was!  After she caught him, she was free to know that she wasn’t being paranoid or over reactive; therefore, she was able to file for divorce.

The effects of infidelity can be devastating.  Sometimes infidelity totals a relationship and ends it permanently like an atom bomb dropped onto a city.  Other times people struggle with it, not wanting to see it till they have to, tolerating it perhaps till it becomes excruciating and they finally end up letting go.  For some people, even their partner having a one night stand makes them end the relationship right then and there.  Others who are in denial or afraid of losing the relationship, may simply be willing to live with chronic cheating.

Sometimes we don’t feel we deserve any better; complications regarding kids and finances can make getting out difficult; the hope of healing the relationship and also, because many of us just can’t emotionally let go and move on, keeps us stuck and paralyzed.

Since infidelity is culturally embedded into our collective psyches, we tend to overlook the devastation it can cause.  It usually breaks the relationship, and even if it doesn’t kill the partnership entirely, it always makes things much worse…

7- Fear of Commitment

Fear of commitment is quite common in today’s society - maybe not quite as frequent as infidelity, but as a reader, I’ve observed it getting stronger all the time.  I may surprise you with the concept that “fear of commitment” is often a complete and utter game; it’s like someone saying they’re partially pregnant - or having just a touch of cancer —- sounds ridiculous?  Think of it.  The purpose of the “fear” is to conveniently limit and structure the relationship to accommodate the “fearful” person’s terms; you can call it “having your cake and eating it too.”

A person is only afraid when it suits them; when it’s convenient.  Remember, you can’t just turn fear on and off at will.  It is much too powerful and overwhelming of a force.  Fear is about life and death survival, not being fickle, capricious and inconsistent. 

If he or she wants to have sex, they’re not afraid at all, are they?  If they need companionship for a while, then viola, the fear apparently just vanishes!  But when his or her commitment issues kick in, they can’t be reached, go missing in action, and reappear when it suits their needs.  It’s often a control game and a way of serving two masters: like worshiping both Jesus and the devil, overeating all day and fasting the next, going on a drinking binge, then staying sober a while.  This kind of push and pull never works for the one on the receiving end - especially when she or he starts indulging in excuses and rationalizations for what is being done to them.

If someone was truly afraid, they would stay away from relationships like the plague.  Do you know anyone who is really terrified of flying, who occasionally flies, then doesn’t fly for a while, then flies if they feel like it?  Quite doubtful…

“Jim, you don’t understand.  My lover has been hurt before.  Their ex was such a monster, and they are so afraid of getting hurt again.  That’s why they pull back, and see more than one person.  They are just confused,” a client defends their back and forth lover.  Here is probably the biggest excuse; That someone has been hurt before - therefore, their terrible behavior: from cheating, to lying, to inconsistency, to not being there for their partner, to being mean spirited, all becomes explained, even excused.

But wait a minute.  There are two points to consider here:

1 - Is this person even telling the truth about their past?  When I question a client who’s saying this, I ask them, “How do you know what they’re saying is truthful and accurate?  Were you there?”  Almost always it comes out that my client is only hearing one side of the story - their lover’s version, which in many instances is purposefully deceitful.  Sometime a client says, “You know Jim, maybe you’re right,” while other times, they vehemently defend the person by claiming that I’m wrong and not picking up on them accurately as a psychic.

As a reader, I have witnessed countless examples where the person hearing all of this boo-hoo-hoo sob story is being fed absolute lies.  The ex wasn’t a monster; in fact, the ex treated my client’s lover like gold.  My client’s lover was the one who squandered the finances and cheated.  So why does this person portray themselves as the little wounded lamb at the stake?  That is obvious.  Because they are trying to elicit false sympathy.  If it’s not their fault then how can they be blamed?  Victims are never responsible.  If he or she is the victim, presumably one has to be patient, compassionate and understanding, which allows the gravy train to just keep on rolling.

2- On the other hand, even if this person was married to a monster, how and why does today’s bad behavior become justified?  It’s as if to say that is OK if he or she treats an entirely new person terribly, because they were once treated badly themselves.  It’s like a defense lawyer pleading mercy for his 40-year-old client, claiming that they had a bad experience at age 3.  At a certain point, we all, including those who are divorced, need to take responsibility for what we do, especially in new relationships.

In this instance, here are the real points to evaluate: is he or she making any attempt to work on this “fear” and trying to heal their issues?  Are they doing anything whatsoever to improve the relationship, in any way at all?  What is being done to come to terms with their past?  All of us have been through this and that - but that doesn’t excuse repetitive, chronic, negative behavior toward another person - it’s like a continuing orgy of alcohol and drugs. 

It is like taking two steps forward, then two steps backward.  In the end, you’re right back to where you started.  Very seldom, does this sort of person heal and forge the journey to really make the relationship work, making it a waste of time for the person on the receiving end to: wait it out, hope and pray, give it time, or pretend that things are going to get better.

Then there are those who make no bones about it; they don’t want a commitment.  Why?  Because they’re selfish - plain and simple.  They don’t want a partnership - with all of its obligations, compromises and the potential expectations of their lover.  They view love as a ball and chain - so part of this game is to be totally up front about it; “Hey, we can hook up sometimes, but I am not looking for a commitment,” a man who is an old hand at this says to his new girlfriend.  And the woman may think she’ll be OK with it, even convincing herself that she’s a big girl, and can handle such an “arrangement.”  Usually, infidelity is an issue with this sort of guy as well.

Under the surface, the woman’s ego may think that in time he’ll change, come closer to her, and through her love and sexual prowess, make him commit.  It is extremely unlikely for that to happen.  This man knows the drill; can recite it in his sleep, like a lecturer who has given the same speech for decades to his audience.  This man knows what he wants; casual sex and that’s about it.  This “relationship” is like building a house on a tremendously crooked foundation - the house will eventually topple over and fall, meaning it’s never going to turn into a successful and meaningful union.

On the other hand though, there are those who are predisposed to fear of commitment for a variety of reasons and even though they are, they can and do change if and when they meet the right person.  Sometimes it takes that special someone to bring out the best in another, when the match is really correct between the two parties.

However, the fearful person needs to be a sincere person and must in some say shape or form be open to the idea of working through the scare.  If there is some degree of openness, there may be light at the end of the tunnel here.  Frequently, these relationships may evolve clumsily and awkwardly, even with fighting and struggle, but if the fearful person works through their issues, that growth can make a relationship work!  Besides an open heart, it takes tremendous courage to face one’s owns demons, but I have seen it happen. 

I had a client who had met a man who she “clicked” with in a really sincere way right off the bat.  He admitted he had fear of commitment issues, and committed to trying to work on himself.  She, however, was pushy and wouldn’t leave it alone.  “If you don’t want to get married, then just let me know.  My biological cloak is ticking,” she persisted.  This was pushing him away, and I remember adamantly telling her to back off, and let him be his own man and arrive at his conclusions all on his own; not be brow beaten by her.  Luckily for her, she did just that - and in a matter of months, he proposed marriage to her.

Whether a person’s fearful claims are falsely stated, quasi true, or legitimately tied into what happened prior, “fear of commitment” will truly ruin a relationship unless healed.  For those who are the game players, the game continues, with people’s lives being ruined.  For those who are open, willing to work on themselves and legitimately willing to care about another person, healing can and does occur; and it is this courage that opens the door for a strong and lasting partnership.

8- Respect & Appreciation

I have heard so many clients express their frustration and despair regarding how they feel they’ve been taken for granted by their companions, wives or husbands.  “I don’t feel appreciated for anything I do for my wife,” a husband says.  Through time, the gleam in his wife’s eyes has gone away and the magic, once there, faded: hardly any hugs or kisses when coming home from work; sex is less frequent and rather routine; no compliments are paid and little or no respect is shown.  “What went wrong,” he questions in exasperation?

You might wonder, “Why would anyone want to be in a commitment like that?”  Of course none of us would, but then how do so many of us get from being truly once in love to being viewed or seeing our partners like “that old couch in the corner?

Often, this process is very slow in the making and over many years.  It’s like overeating a little at a time, gaining a few pounds every couple of weeks to a month.  In a couple of years that could add up to about 100 pounds!  We get into ruts, patterns, and looking at the same person everyday is perceived as boring, or simply routine!  We lose our respect and appreciation for who they are and what they’ve given us; “I’m so bored with my husband.  I would love to meet someone new and exciting,” a wife fantasizes. 

Here there is a choice; to slip into an affair, or try and build on what she already has that is real and positive.  If she chooses to not see someone on the side, here is one way of beginning to enhance her marriage; this affirmation is an affirmative I have shared with multiple clients with extremely positive results; I now look at my partner as if I am seeing them for the very first time!  By focusing on seeing your lover through these eyes, a new and fresh perspective emerges, which reinvigorates the relationship.

Sometimes a wife feels tuned out by her husband, and doesn’t know why.  She tries to make sexual advances that are rebuffed and blown off.  This is devastating for her self esteem, and builds barriers, not bridges.  Here, the husband has lost his appreciation for his devoted wife, who wants to please him and like Chinese water torture, his neglect wears down the marriage one drop of water at a time, so to speak.  He needs to open his eyes to what he has, or eventually, he may lose his marriage.

When something, anything isn’t taken care of, what happens to it?  If you don’t maintain your lawn, how does it look in 1 year?  A relationship needs to be taken care of also.  Respecting your partner and showing appreciation contributes to that overall maintenance a relationship needs.  Anything left unattended an unnourished, doesn’t prosper or grow; and eventually dies.  If you don’t water your garden, it time, it will die too. 

When either you or your partner  finds that the respect is next to nil and the appreciation is sorely lacking, here are some tips that will help to bring it back:

Tell your partner that you appreciate them being in your life frequently!

This may seem small, but saying that or hearing it said, lights any of us up!  To feel special is a priceless gift…  Being treated shabbily is a dime a dozen proposition - like meeting someone in a bar trying to hustle you into bed…

Voice to others; especially family and friends, just how much you respect your lover!

Instead of the put down, “My husband did another stupid thing today, when is he gonna learn?” Try this, instead:  “My husband is a great person and really smart!  I really respect and admire him!”

Really make love and don’t let your sex life slip!

Sex is important to a romantic and intimate relationship - and it should be… remind your partner that they are beautiful, handsome, attractive, whatever nice superlative you prefer - but don’t avoid intimacy, or let it get routine - it’s not even as much about trying new things sexually, as it is to be present when making love - there for your partner and deeply into them!

Don’t expect -Appreciate

Just like we shouldn’t expect that we’re going to get exactly what we want in our daily lives, we should never expect or demand it from our partners.  “I want a snack,” a husband demands, after his wife has had a long and trying day.  His wife, normally happy to oblige, feels slighted, and not respected.  She has legitimately had a difficult day.  Wouldn’t it make such a difference is he had said, “Honey, I know you’ve had a rough day.  Do you mind making me a snack?”  This shows appreciation, not expectation, and more likely than not, she would be willing to make him the snack. Why?  Because she loves him!

Respect your partner’s opinions and point of view

“Oh boy, what a stupid thing to say,” a husband patronizes!  It’s obvious that none of us want to hear such a thing - especially from the one we love - but it is terribly common, even predictable.

This kind of comment should simply not be said.  Why?  Because it is disrespectful to the other person.  And if it is said over and over again; year in and year out, it causes someone to simply shut down, which wears down the durability of a relationship.  Always be open to what your lover has to say… and if you disagree, state your opinion tactfully.  Don’t interrupt them, but listen.  That concept of we hurt the ones who are the closest to us really needs to be flipped around to be, “We must treat those closest to us the best!”  They have been making the journey with us - they deserve respect in return.

Respect & Appreciation are both qualities that need to be given and received - for a long term relationship to really work, both of these elements truly need to be there - it’s like oxygen and food - both are essential for survival.  And yet, we can see how we may take these two great gifts of the universe completely for granted, as if respect just means that you’re basically not physically or emotionally abusing someone, and appreciation is an occasional thank you.  But that is like saying that putting a penny in your bank account once a year will make you rich someday!

You know that old phrase, “You don’t know what you got till it’s gone?”  Don’t let that happen to you and your partnership, through not respecting or appreciating what you truly have.  Remember, long-term relationships that really can and do work for us are not common.

9- Consideration

Consideration is so often such a misunderstood term.  A lot of people think that being considerate in a relationship is the same as doing anything your partner wants; always saying yes; not having a voice of your own or simply giving in.  Some may see it in those exaggerated or caricatured terms because they’re afraid of giving up the selfishness and self-centeredness that makes them feel in control and get their way.  With selfishness, it’s about the proverbial “me!”  With consideration, “you” becomes equal to “me.”

Think of it this way; Consideration is the ability to be aware of your partners needs; to be receptive to what makes them whole and trying your best to offer it; listening to them with an open mind and heart, and always taking them into account regarding all decisions, choices and in every way.  Consideration is not about being walked all over - it’s about balance and fairness!

Children are selfish; they take other kid’s things, pound their fist for what they want, and cry till they get a new toy.  In short, children are not considerate.  They’re not supposed to be; hopefully that comes as you get older.  But it doesn’t ever come naturally or easily.  It needs to be worked on.  In the same way you demanded as a child and you later must sacrifice for your child when you become a parent, you must learn to be considerate of your lover as the relationship evolves.  And some of us are naturally more considerate than others, but inconsideration is like a repeated, ever present metaphorical slap in the face…

“I don’t care if you have to get up early in the morning.  Let’s have sex tonight,” a husband demands.  “Honey, I am so tired.  Could we just wait till tomorrow,” his wife offers?  This type of situation is quite frequent.  Whether the husband tries to force her anyway, pouts and ignores her, or expresses sincere understanding for his wife’s position, his actions show the degree of consideration or lack of it he has for her.

What do most couples typically fight about?  Money and sex.  Keep in mind that most people live out their power issues in relationships, as most of us don’t simply walk up and down the street, trying to control and boss around strangers - it is all usually done behind closed doors with our lovers where it may not be seen by anyone other than our partner.

With money, it shows who controls the partnership.  Simply stated, whoever controls the purse strings, controls the relationship. Money is about power!  If you’re even questioning this thought, ask yourself if men and women who are financially poor have the same stature and influence in this world as men and women who are rich? 

When one partner is financially inconsiderate of the other, it can be a disaster in progress and break a relationship; “I just bought a whole new set of living room furniture,” a wife confesses to her husband.  “Don’t worry; we’ll somehow pay it off.”  The husband is angered - even enraged; understandably so.  Were his needs taken into consideration, not just financially, but emotionally?  He also has to live with the repercussions of his wife’s choice here…

Consideration is a day-by-day effort - it’s like showering.  You probably don’t only take a shower once a week.  For most of us, staying clean is a daily task.  We need to look at consideration in the same way; each day has it’s challenges and its choice’s; and when we’re in a commitment, none of our choices are separate or isolated from our partner - it is like being joined at the hip - but in a good way! 

For example:  You’re hungry.  Do you just eat, or ask your partner what they would like to eat, and make a collective decision?   A friend calls up and says he wants to come over tonight and visit.  Do you just make that arrangement without consulting your spouse first, as it affects them too, or do you ask if it’s ok with them?  You want to take a vacation.  Is your mind already made up where you want to go, or are you going to openly discuss it with your significant other so both of you can enjoy your getaway?  By considering your partner, you really do give your union the legitimate opportunity to grow well into the future.  

Through consideration we not only become better individuals, as the world is never just about “me,” we strengthen the intimacy, connection, security and potentially lifelong bond we currently share.

10- Selfishness & Ego

When you’re a championship athlete, a rapper or rock star, selfishness and ego may not only be good - they may be the very essential components that are actually required to get you to there - straight to the top - as it must be all about you!

But selfishness and ego are among the worst things in a relationship - destroying partnerships and people’s lives in a most horrifying way!  It “being all about you” discards, marginalizes and ruins your partner, as they become reduced to a role of emotional slavery.  But often, this is done on purpose…

Like two dogs that meet, and then fight for supremacy: who is the top dog — who is the pack leader — who is privileged and who gets to eat first?  This process also can happen when two people enter into a relationship.  Who is dominant and who is passive, and to what degree does that selfishness suffocate and strangle the other person, as well as the relationship?

“We’re moving to Florida.  That’s where I want to live, so pack your bags,” a selfish wife instructs her husband.  “But I don’t like Florida. I’m afraid of hurricanes and the heat is not good for my health,” her husband tries to reason.  “Too bad, that’s where we’re going,” the wife finalizes the discussion.

The selfishness here, besides being just that, also changes the course of her husband’s life - potentially forever.  This is not a small choice, like eating out or cooking tonight.  He is stuck - he can either make the move, reluctantly, and experience potentially serious health problems, or stay behind, which may lead to a divorce or at least a separation.  Either way, he loses, as he wants to be with his wife, yet shouldn’t sacrifice his health.  Her selfishness completely discards who he is and what he needs.

“I just got a huge promotion, and bought a new Mercedes Benz,” a man brags to his friends at dinner.  “I should be running this company in just a while.  In fact, my sales numbers were the biggest in the company this past quarter,” he continues to boast.  The friends, who are somewhat embarrassed by his prideful display, try to change the subject and ask his wife a question, “Jane, I heard you were thinking of going back to school.  What did you want to study?”  Before Jane can answer, her husband brings the conversation right back to himself again.  “You know, I recently heard that I might be getting an enormous bonus at the end of the year.”  His wife and their friends sheepishly concede defeat, and everyone has to endure this onslaught of her husband tooting his own horn.

Here, though, the ego is not going to be isolated to merely his career.  It will always be about him: when he wants sex, what is being talked about, where we’re going on vacation, always having to be right and how we’re spending money.  His ego is suffocating - and that is on purpose.  He’s not stupid; he likes it that way!  Jane is an object, not a three-dimensional individual within this marriage.  His ego, through time, will get her so worn down that she either files for divorce, or becomes so imploded she can barely function.

Through selfishness and ego we function and build primarily from our root chakra, our survival chakra - the first chakra of our seven spiritual chakras - our genital chakra.  What is the root chakra for?  Simply stated; Sex and survival.

We must become giving and humble in our partnerships and in life - it is the way we are designed to evolve.  We are not suppose to stay like animals who fight for supremacy, and struggle over who eats first (which is literal and also representative of any situation where one person has to be first and the other, second)…  That is a primitive and disgusting proposition for human beings who must heed the calling of growing up, spiritually, ethically, morally and in plain and simple terms, just becoming better and kinder people.

This is of ultimate importance when trying to build a long lasting relationship.  Two must learn to work as one and when two become one, long term success and happiness can be achieved.

Topic:  Being considerate of your partner
Goal:  To build our relationships from the perspective of considering our partners needs as opposed to approaching our commitments from a selfish and self-serving point of view

I am now considerate of my partner, who they are, and what makes them happy and fulfilled!

I wanted to offer a list of 10 of some of the most pertinent reasons as to why a relationship ultimately succeeds or fails. Below is Part 1, topics 1-5 of a two part series.  Part 2, featuring topics 6-10 will be in the next week’s blog entry to complete this writing.

Each of the below mentioned topics can be looked at as separate issues in and of themselves, or as pieces that together, create a much bigger collective puzzle, unlocking the questions we all have regarding our deep and personal unions.  Since our love lives not only tie into our deepest hopes and emotional desires, but also our most profound fears and defenses, I hope this writing offers potentially helpful and clarifying information.

1- Choose The Right Person

We are often conditioned to believe that temporary relationships are somehow not really worth investing into at all.  If it doesn’t lead to marriage, then why get involved?  Women especially have often been programmed to believe that a man is not worth dating unless it is going to lead to a potential lifelong commitment. 

Yet when we do get involved in relationships that won’t ultimately last, it is important to not try and make that temporary relationship a permanent one.  Just like a dentist offers temporary fillings for one type of non-permanent dentistry, a permanent filling is for the completion of long-term dental work.

However, all relationships are not meant to last forever - even certain marriages are not spiritually destined to be “till death do us part.”  There are countless numbers of lessons we may learn from our intimate interactions with others, as well as growth that can only occur with a particular person and what may be able to be mutually taught through being together.

For example:  There may be a spiritual contract created between two people before incarnating to come together where they are to get married, have a child, then separate and divorce, yet still be good parents for their child.  Here, there may be lessons on a deeper spiritual level that they’ve agreed to in a soul level.  This may not create the rosy and idyllic picture we’ve all been conditioned to believe; that marriage must be forever, and that divorce represents a sense of failure.  Sometimes, a relationship is only supposed to be there for a passage or several passages, but clearly, less than forever does not mean failure. 

Here, we need to free ourselves of the shame, feelings of failure, regret and disappointment from all of the unions that didn’t ultimately last and learn from what we’ve been through and experienced.  With that knowledge and sense of internal freedom, we can move forward with an open mind and heart to fulfill our mission; to meet and choose the right person for us.

Here are some tools to assist in selecting that right person:

1 - Do not emotionally jump into things quickly or impulsively.  If it’s right, it will surely make sense in time and with a rhythm that is comfortable.

2 - What do those who love you say about this new person?  If someone truly loves you, say, a friend or family member, they will watch out for you and only want what’s best for you.  Listen to their opinions and insights; meaning, consider what they say, not necessarily giving the final decision to them, but having an open mind to their counsel.

3 - Try to not draw a premature conclusion when you first meet someone based on the initial emotional excitement.  Again, it takes time for things to unfold, and through time, truth and clarity will be yours.  In the meantime, though, try to not set up the situation where you could get emotionally or circumstantially stuck or trapped.  The beginning of a movie never shows the conclusion of the story, so flow reasonably!

4 - It’s important to note that we should always listen to what our intuition says when meeting someone.  However, emotional desire often masquerades as intuition when we “want” something.  Don’t be fooled by your feelings pretending to be intuitive truth.  If you’re not sure, use all of the above-mentioned tools, and know that the truth becomes revealed as it is supposed to.  Make sure to have eyes that are open to see and ears that are willing to listen.

Choosing the right person for us has many components, and all of our past relationships should teach us what to do as well as what not to do.  Wisdom comes through experience and with that sense of being seasoned from what we’ve been through, we look at what really matters:  compatible values, someone who brings out the best in us and vice versa, a partner who is sharing the same goals, dreams and wishes as we do, and the person who completes us on a higher and healthy level.  When a relationship is right it is hardly likely to be toxic - it will most probably make both parties infinitely happier than they were before meeting each other.  Remember, if you’re choosing the ultimately right partner, look for your real, substantial and long lasting needs being able to be met.

2- Communication

If you always keep the lines of communication open with your partner, you stand a good chance of being successful in your relationship for the long term.  Without good and open communication, the relationship will most certainly fail, sooner or later.

“Jane, why are you filing for divorce,” a friend asks, quite surprised?  “I’ll tell you exactly why!  He forgot to call me from work and tell me what time he would be coming home for dinner,” she exclaims!  “This is the final straw!”

Of course, almost all of us would immediately realize that the divorce proceedings are really not based on a single phone call regarding dinner, but probably a breakdown of communication, extended over a long period of time.

It’s usually the accumulation of all that is unspoken that kills a relationship, each episode in and of itself not so important, or vital; and its usually this repetitive chronic lack of verbal consistency that ultimately kills a relationship.

When lovers first get together, often the chemistry, sex and intimacy is quite overwhelming; it feels as if it is simply too good to be true.  These feelings hypnotize us in a variety of ways, often leading us to distorted and unrealistic long term expectations.  During this beginning honeymoon phase, communication may not seem important at all.  “We just sense what each of us needs,” someone falling in love whispers.  This “bliss” may be able to extend for a while, but in time, two people can’t always spend their time in bed, discovering new and inventive ways to make love.

Sooner or later, reality kicks in; there are needs that each party has that the other person will not know - intuitively or logically.  It becomes absolutely important to work through misunderstandings, conflict, and hurt feelings. 

A crucial bridge is either built or not; communication must become stronger.  This does not mean that the romance becomes non-existent; it just means that the initial excitement takes its course, and more of a balanced perspective kicks in.  Along with love making, comes arranging schedules, making plans, becoming aware of each other’s emotional needs, working through conflicts, financial concerns and so on. 

And here’s the secret: Do not suppress what you need to say, whether to keep the peace, of for fear of being rejected, as well as panic over creating a problem.  “I just can’t tell him that I spent money on a new dress.  He would be extremely upset, and start an argument with me,” a woman confides to her friend.  In the short term, the woman may be able to “get away with it,” but in the big picture, this type of silence creates enormous problems. First, when we close the lines of communication we also shut down a part of ourselves energetically to the other person, like partially closing a door.  With less openness, decreased honesty, and the effort of having something to hide, maintaining the relationship becomes terribly burdensome.

Try to say what you need to say and encourage your lover to do the same; tactfully; lovingly, sincerely and honestly.  There are always issues, concerns, and problems to resolve.  It’s like your garden.  It you weed it regularly, it’ll be OK, won’t it?  If you ignore the weeds, they will eventually overtake the flowers and destroy your once lovely garden. 

Plus, learning to communicate which also means learning to listen, only makes you and your partner better individuals and strengthens your bond.  Sweeping this and that under the rug is a disaster waiting to happen - although not necessarily immediately.  It is sort of like drinking alcohol.  Drinking everyday is workable for months, maybe years, but eventually, it destroys ones health and potentially their life!

Also, when you talk, both you and your partner should ask yourselves, “What is the motive behind what is being said?”  Sometimes, people use honesty as a weapon.  “Your new hair cut looks ugly,” a man says to his wife.  I’m just being honest.  Would you rather have me lie to you?”  Here, tact and diplomacy are desperately needed.  Are either of you trying to win when speaking to each other?  This is also not helpful to building a state of mutual happiness.  “I kept arguing with him till I wore him down,” a woman proclaims triumphantly.  “I got my way!”  Remember, a house divided is eventually a house that falls.

The motive behind what we say should always be: building bridges, resolving issues and conflicts, bringing about harmony and understanding, and by all means working together as a team.  By approaching communication from a truly open and loving point of view, what to say and how to say it will truly be there.

3- Trust

Often a person has a hard time trusting another, based on past hurts and disappointments: “If I trust again, I know I’m going to get hurt,” a man says going into a new relationship.  With this mindset, things are hardly going to have a real chance of working out.  Through the preconceived idea that giving someone a chance is a dangerous proposition, signs of mistrust are always being looked for; even sought out.  Why?  Because as people, we often look to justify what we already believe to be true, all the while claiming that it is the other way around.  “Every time I date someone, they prove to be non trustworthy,” someone defends.  But in actuality, the fear of mistrust is so strong, that the person either attracts a non-trustworthy person, or pretends that an honest person is unable to be trusted.  Either way, it turns out basically the same.  The fear wins:  attracting it keeps the fear validated, or looking for it perpetuates that illusion that the problem is there, even when it isn’t.

“She called me an hour late tonight.  I know she’s got someone else,” he insists.  But she told him and could clearly back up that she indeed had to do something for her mother. She even apologized for calling late.  But the wheels of paranoia are turning, and won’t stop.  It’s like that old phrase, “If you’re looking for it, you’ll find it.”   In this instance, the suspicious person needs to acknowledge their preconceived prejudice, and work toward letting it go to be healed and free.  By not letting it go, the past still reigns supreme over him, keeping him a prisoner of what may have happened before; but by releasing such old fear, a new and potentially wonderful person is given a legitimate chance.

On the other hand, there are those who carelessly and foolishly trust someone who doesn’t deserve such an endorsement.  “I know there are other women calling his cell phone, but he says they’re all just friends.  One girl told me she had sex with him recently, but I think she’s just lying about this because she’s jealous,” a woman in denial rationalizes.  Most of us would say to her, “Girlfriend, wake up and smell the coffee!”  Here, the trust that should be earned before given in return is not, and as the Bible says, this woman is “casting her pearls before swine.” 

I’ve seen those who are so desperate to be in a relationship, that they put their blinders on and impulsively offer their trust to someone they barely know who is clearly dishonest and deceitful.  “I haven’t heard from him for a few weeks, but he’s probably busy.  I don’t have his home phone number, but I do have his email address,” a new lover says.  Excuse after excuse doesn’t make things any better…  In this instance it would be best for her to release him and walk away, validating just how much she’s really worth as a person and a lover.  This way, she can move toward meeting someone who would work to earn her trust; showing her that he is legitimately worth considering as a partner.

Trust needs to be earned by all means, and once earned, always maintained. This bond is delicate, and when it is broken, like a vase that is dropped.  It shatters into a million pieces; if you try and put it back together, you might be able to, but it won’t be as strong as it was before being dropped.  This needs to be a two way street - it if is only a one way street, there will be a head on collision.  Also, it takes two people trusting each other and living up to that premise to build a strong bond, but it only takes one person breaking it to ruin the relationship.

Why then is trust, something that is invisible and hard to measure, so important to make a relationship work?  Because without it, you really do have nothing - nothing at all to build a solid foundation upon…  How could you know what your lover is doing 24/7 and why should you try to find out?  Trust means that you don’t have to check his or her cell phone, snoop at emails, secretly go through the credit card bills, question every minute unaccounted for.  Trust allows both parties one of the greatest gifts of this world - the gift of freedom; to be free, together and separately! Its value is simply immeasurable.

So if you can’t totally and truly trust someone, is there really a point to trying to really make it into a long tern relationship?  We should never offer partial trustworthiness to our partner; don’t settle for it in return either! That is not good enough to make it to the finish line!  Always, treat trust like a precious bouquet of flowers in your hand - to be held with awe, magic, delicateness and wonder, as two people should treat each other.

4- Working On The Relationship

“Why would I fall in love, if I have to work on it?  Love shouldn’t be work!  It should be exciting and fun,” people declare!  I’ve heard so many state these intentions in one-way or another.  It’s as if work should be your nine to five job, and love should be the after party.  But nothing could be further from the truth, especially if you’re talking about love as in “till death do us part.”  But if so, what does working on the relationship exactly mean?  Is it like slaving in a coalmine, or more analogous to maintaining your lawn and garden?

Often, guys (and sometimes to a lesser degree women) are lazy when it comes to love.  Sure, these men want the sex, the convenience of a woman being around when they want it and how they want it, but when it comes to working on the relationship, they go missing in action, silent, or simply just walk away and find somebody new. 

These guys are just plain lazy and really don’t care much at all - no, the woman didn’t really see how much he loves her in his eyes - it isn’t there - he really doesn’t care.  Caring requires effort, and that translates into working on the relationship, which men who are cavalier and uncaring won’t do.  The dream is not there - they don’t want to wake up to the same person everyday and grow old with them; they don’t want to put on the effort - the sex gives then what they basically want, and part time companionship on their terms satisfies any faint inkling for the need of intimacy.  Of course these types of men are usually unfaithful as well.  Here we see an example where someone won’t put any effort into the relationship, therefore, sooner or later, it will die.

Beyond that there are those, usually men again, but sometimes women, who “want to have their cake and eat it too.”  This sort of individual won’t work too much on building a real relationship either.  They typically don’t to work hard on things, but they want someone there somewhat, in a way that is limited and solely defined by them; more than just let’s say, a booty call, but with no commitment.  Sometimes there may be dinner, occasionally maybe even be a trip, but usually not fidelity! These can be individuals who are married or already involved with someone; they want more than just occasional sex from another person, but not something that can truly grow and evolve.

Even on top of that, there are those who do get married, and things start out just fine - then through time, slowly but surely, they get lazy and don’t treat their spouse very special anymore, or work on the relationship.  It’s like anything that is neglected - it goes downhill, declines and dies:  don’t maintain your car and it will mechanically fall apart, forget to work on your body and it becomes out of shape, flabby and unhealthy, and put off doing home repairs and your house will eventually become uninhabitable!  Since most people do maintain their homes, for example, why wouldn’t they then be willing to work on their relationships?  Because of the illusion I state at the beginning of this topic:  Love shouldn’t be about work - it must be strolling down the beach in fuzzy slow motion, giggling with martini in hand and eternal love making on the beach.  It is this type of misconception that makes many feel “if you have to work at it, then it must not be love.”

What do we do to fix our preconception then, while still keeping the romance in our lives?  First, we have to look at things realistically.  It isn’t either great sex, or hard work.  Both elements can and do coexist together. The intimacy can be beautiful while at the same time, both parties are putting in the effort to make the relationship work as a whole.

Here are some examples of what can be referred to here as “work”:  Being aware of what each other needs to be happy and whole, resolving conflicts to avoid the pile up of unresolved negativity that through time caves in a union, thinking as “we,” not selfishly as merely “me,” trying to be considerate not some of the time, but all of the time.  These things not only help the relationship stay strong, they help us as individuals, as we become infinitely better people by helping each other.  Plus, the reality is that the sex gets better if two people are really connecting on a much more deeper level than just the initial thrill and excitement they had when they first met and fell in love.

5- Pre-Conceived Expectations

Wouldn’t it be a great fantasy if being in a relationship was like writing a romantic play: we could have our lover do anything we wanted, have him or her say the exact lines we write, see all of our expectations met forever and determine the plot and the outcome just as we pre-conceived it to be?  But truly loving someone is clearly and completely diametrically opposed to that scenario.  Things don’t often turn out they way we expected; twist and turns do occur and we can’t always control the outcome.  So are the expectations we have reasonable, unrealistic, or simply impossible to fulfill?  Here, in the last topic of Part 1 of “10 things that make or break a relationship,” I would like to address what I feel are some of the biggest pre-conceived expectations that really can break a relationship.

My lover should be extremely good-looking and physically close to perfect!

My partner must be well off financially.

My lover should always know what I want, feel and need.

My partner should always sense what my sexual fantasies are!

We should always finish each other’s sentences…

We should never disagree, argue or fight…

The right person will accept me just as I am, so I won’t ever have to change!

When we look at this list directly above of pre-conceived expectations, what do we find in common?  This entire list is unrealistic and impossible to attain, with some of the declarations more obviously so then others.  

A lover being physically close to perfect is quite a long shot, but we often see people being quite critical of their partner’s appearance.  I’ve seen cases where a husband cheats on his wife, ostensibly because she gained 10 pounds.  Physical chemistry may be important, but perfectionism regarding a person’s level of attractiveness and physical appearance is just too much - can everyone be a model?  Also, don’t forget that people do get older, and no one looks the same at 60 as they did at 20…

Someone being well off financially is great, but is it mandatory?  Would you actually not marry someone because they didn’t have enough money?  From my point of view based on my experience as a reader, money can always be made, and let me tell you just how many countless numbers of times I have seen two people who have a strong and supporting bond make a fortune of money through working together as a team!

No one could know all of another’s wants, feelings and needs.  Sometimes, even often, based on the connection shared, certain awarenesses will indeed be there - and sometimes simply missed.  It would take being the same as God to forever without fail know these things.  But do the two of you try to fulfill each other’s wants, feelings and needs once they’re brought out in the open?  That is the real test…

Sexual fantasies are just that - inner fantasies, sometimes acted out, and other times kept within.  Is your partner a mind reader?  How could they possibly know what your fantasies will always be?  Certainly, with intimate connection comes a sense of shared needs and feelings, but fantasies, often private, cannot be known all the time by your partner.  In this instance, share with your lover what you’re feeling inside, as letting them into your private world can be inviting and enticing.

It is magical when we can finish each other’s sentences, and usually that may happen to a degree when people are intertwined and compatible - but not always, and not in all areas.  If a woman’s husband was a mathematician and she wasn’t, I doubt that she could finish his sentences regarding calculus and complex equations.  It is a magical moment when we do finish each other’s sentences, but don’t rely on it to validate the worth of what you share.  Our differences and unique gifts offer a contribution and a surprise.  Imagine, also, the pleasure of hearing things or saying things your partner would never have thought of - but can truly be appreciated!

Even in the best lifelong commitments we see disagreements, arguments, even fighting, (hopefully not physically, of course).  Again, we see this thread of perfectionistic idealism; that somehow normal discord tarnishes the love, stains and taints it.  The better way to measure this aspect of your relationship is to look at how these tensions and struggles are resolved.  Did we learn? Do we compromise?  Have we become healthier?  If any of those things come out of any type of interpersonal clash — that is victory!  We live and we learn, and when learning happens, it is truly a blessing that is mutually shared.

What’s interesting about the statement “The right person will accept me just as I am so I won’t ever have to change,” is that is presupposes that being accepted means that one should never have to change.  It’s like saying that if you’re healthy today; you’ll never have to work on improving your health forever.

Of course our partner needs to accept us; that makes us feel really special and beyond that, acceptance allows us to be who we are, warts and all.  This unconditional acknowledgement and non-judgmental attitude permits us to let our guard down.

But that does not validate the second part of the above-mentioned statement; that we will never have to change.  In short, it really means: “I can be who and whatever I want, and you have to accept it,” as opposed to dealing with your partner from a viewpoint of fairness and compromise.  Relationships are all about give and take - it is the nature of partnership.  You say “10,” I say “0″ and we end up at “5.” 

We change; we grow; we’re supposed to.  Staying forever the same is stagnant and not in the nature of the divine plan and how we are designed.  If we were to not blossom, out lives would never progress.  Just as nature changes, we must move forward.  But there is a difference between changing in a way that allows you to still be you, but become a better, more considerate and evolved person, versus changing into someone you’re not.  If you’re not into lifting weights, you’ll never be a bodybuilder, nor should you try to be.

It is the very cornerstone of mutual acceptance, coupled with continual growth as people individually and together as a couple that makes for a successful lifelong partnership.  Being selfish won’t work in the long run - it never really does — but working together will. 

The remainder of this writing, Part 2, featuring topics 6-10:  ”Infidelity,” “Fear Of Commitment,” “Respect & Appreciation,” “Consideration,” plus “Selfishness & Ego” will be in next week’s blog entry.

Topic:  Attracting healthy relationships
Goal:  To manifest and magnetize to relationships that are enriching and positive, bringing us those who are for our highest good.

I now attract healthy relationships that are good for me in all ways!

You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips.

Oliver Goldsmith

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes.

Sally Field

This is a phenomenal quote. So many of us, myself include have been like a ping pong ball, batted back and forth; so and so approves of me — I’M OK!!!   Another person disapproves of me — I’M NOT OK!!!  To not judge yourself through the eyes of others with all of their prejudices, misconceptions, distortions and agendas is a very healing thing to do!  Thank you Sally!

Jim

“If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort, you will not get either comfort or truth, only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.”

C.S. Lewis

I was so impressed and taken with this masterful above-mentioned quote by C.S. Lewis, that it inspired me to write this blog entry.  There are so many myths, misconceptions and false expectations that clients often have when receiving a reading, making a session far less valuable, helpful and relevant.  In this writing, I will attempt to address what I believe to be the top 5 biggest and most common myths regarding what a reading can, should, and will provide.

1 - A Reading Should Provide Comfort and Hope

I want to preface this section with saying that all of us are in a sense looking for comfort and hope in our lives when receiving a reading, but at what cost?  At the expense of hearing and receiving false, misleading and inaccurate information?  Then from there, acting upon such erroneous advice?  When it’s all said and done, the truth must come first, and perhaps, comfort and hope may be a by product.

When one goes to a doctor, wouldn’t it be frightening to think of the potential repercussions, if the basis of that medical exam was designed to fulfill two ends: the patient receiving comfort and hope, while at the same time, the doctor being expected to offer this in return and does so; at the price tag of not doing their job correctly?  Could you imagine the potentially deadly disaster if say, a doctor didn’t do what they’re supposed to do, and instead of finding out that their patient had cancer, simply told them they had a flu bug, needed a little TLC and some warm milk before bedtime?  In this scenario, comfort and hope are initially provided, but at what life altering expense to the patient?

The same types of situations frequently occur between a client and a psychic.  As a reader, I can recall countless instances where comfort and hope is what a client expects, and insists on me providing it in return.

Here is one example: “You mean to tell me that he won’t marry me.  And you’re actually claiming that he’s having sex with other women, and that my health is at risk,” a client questions in bewildered shock?  “I called you to feel uplifted, comforted, hopeful and find out when he’s going to marry me. Now you’re telling me this,” she says in complete frustration.

In this instance, we see that from the client’s point of view, she received no comfort and hope, which in reality is what she wanted.  She didn’t wish to receive accurate counsel, or truthful information based on psychic insight.  Nor did she have an open mind regarding this reading.  So here, a session becomes twisted, maligned and contorted and serves no real higher purpose, except to exasperate the client and have the information I’ve offered from spirit fall on deaf ears.

On the other hand, from my perspective, I feel she did receive truthful clairvoyant information that could be a potential lifesaver; especially if other sexual partners are involved with her lover.  To me, the thought of risking one’s health, wasting years of time waiting on a dream that’s never going to come true along with all of the other negative changes that occur internally from such an experience, is not something that should be indulged or taken lightly.  There is a real and serious set of concerns here, and the only cure for it is the truth.

If a client didn’t go into a reading wanting comfort and hope, but rather, had an open mind, they could take what comes through from the heavens and utilize this information potentially in a helpful way.  I’d like to modify an old adage to say: “Comfort and hope may never set you free, but the truth always will!”

2 - A reading should be 100% accurate

In the psychic realm, we hear bold claims of accuracy by advisors varying from:  “99.9% accurate - call me now,” to even the shockingly lofty claim of “I am 100% accurate - let me prove it to you!”  Whether a reader boasts of their skills or tries to down play their abilities, it should be clear to anyone that no psychic is 100% accurate.  Simply stated, it is not humanly possible!

This is not just a fact of the psychic world, but of all human skill sets.  Let’s pose this question: is there anything in this world that is absolute truth and infallible - not from our belief systems such as religious faith, but provably 100% right in objective terms?  Science isn’t even 100% percent correct…Data collected from research methods is not perfect…The greatest doctors make diagnostic mistakes…  So if science, research, medicine and factual analysis aren’t always correct, how could anyone expect a psychic to be?  To take it one step further, why would anyone think that a reader is on par with God almighty?

Part of the reason for these expectations is that often; clients are dealing with deeply troubling issues that are all consuming and obsessive.  With this mindset, there is a sense of so desperately wanting what they want, a solution, a quick fix that one becomes vulnerable to the potential “magic wand” a psychic can wave.  But it should never be exaggerated, or overstated.  “100% accurate” may sound quite tempting, but simply stated - it is not true. 

When a client goes into a reading thinking, expecting, even demanding 100% accuracy, they will sooner or later become quite disappointed.  Sure, for a while, the predictions may be on point, but after several consultations, the reading doesn’t live up to that perpetual demand.  The client becomes frustrated, and “throws the baby with the bath water out,” not seeing the reading for it’s true and intrinsic value.

Also, think of it this way; how could anyone even begin to truly know their accuracy rate?  Just stop and think of what it would take for a moment:

1- A psychic would have to keep track of every single prediction in all readings they had given.

2- Then, factual information would need to be acquired from each and every client as to how each prediction manifested, partially happened, or didn’t occur at all.

3 - A more tricky part of this process is the fact of just how differently people hear things, and semantically take things.  It’s like Chinese telephone: When you have several people all in the same room, whispering the same secret to each other, it is always different by the end.  When a reader says something to a client, they may or may not write it down, absorb it in their memory in any number of varying ways, possibly tell some people, and through time, the original message may be seriously altered or distorted.  As a reader, I have had this experience happen to me on numerous occasions.

By not thinking or believing a reader is ever 100% accurate, the expectations of the client become more reasonable.  With that sense of reality, one may truly be able to receive the information, predictions, insights and guidance that can help them to achieve a better life.

In reality, which is more important?  Short term predictions, which are far less relevant than long term, important outcome based predictions?  If a reader says he’ll call you by 9:00 tomorrow night, and it happens, it may be immediately presumed that everything else stated will be accurate.  But again, since no one is 100% accurate, it’s important to take note, one prediction or insight at a time. A reader can be correct about short term predictions, but wrong regarding long term outcome.  Also, conversely, a psychic can correctly see the long term outcome, while missing short term predictions, such as the date or time of a phone call, but missing the short term prediction may not change the validity of the correct long term insight offered.

3 - A reading should provide absolute “yes” or “no” answers

I remember a first time caller once asking me: “Do you believe in absolute reality?”  When I said no, she chose to end the reading.  What she was really looking for from me was absolute “yes” or “no” answers.  No shades of grey - no hues that are not discernibly black or white.  Certainly no advice or counsel - forget insights - just “yes” or “no” - period.

Here, we see another instance where somehow, people try and make readings transcend, rise above, or exist outside of the rules of the universe we exist within.  Of course our lives are never mere “yes” or “no” answers. Wouldn’t it be easy if they were? (LOL) 

A million examples of our lives having multiple grey tones can be highlighted:  From the choice of a woman to marry John or Gerald, having children or using birth control, to choosing a career path in medicine or finance.  Remember, choices define our reality, set up future episodes, consequences and dramatically affect the outcomes of our lives.  From choice, multiple possibilities can and do occur:  Here is a brief synopsis; the outcome for the woman would be completely different, in immeasurable terms twenty years before the conclusion of this scenario, if she married John as opposed to Gerald.  John would be faithful, a great provider, and a terrific father, while Gerald would be career driven, unfaithful, having multiple affairs with his secretaries at work.  Think of how radically different everything, and I mean everything would be based on that choice.  Here, a simple “yes’ or “no” response couldn’t even begin to shed light on choices so vast and life altering or do this woman and her journey justice.  Instead of “yes” or “no,” a reading could possibly shed light on the two alternate potential paths, and how they would likely unfold for her.

If our lives are not based on such a limited and narrow pathway, why do certain clients expect a reading to offer only “yes” or “no” answers, then?

The answer in part, is that clients often do not want grow.  With insights from a multi dimensional vantage point, anything can come through in a reading, which may require effort on the clients’ part; which doesn’t provide the quick fix that many seeking readings want - even insist on.  One may indeed need to change, make new choices, look at themselves and those in their lives in different ways, even diligently work on self healing in order to make things better for themselves.   Looking at the underlying issues may be essential, not optional; therefore, the “yes” or “no” response doesn’t really serve them at all.  It doesn’t offer them and their experiences any real help!

So many of us resist, resent and avoid growth - but it is exactly what our spirit needs to move forward and unlock new doors for us!  Simple “yes or “no: answers also don’t require any analysis, thought, or speculation.  It is or it isn’t… there is no muss or fuss involved.

The real answer for anyone receiving a reading is to not limit what comes through from spirit.  This channel is sacred, divine, and offers us unlimited possibilities to aid and assist us.  By being open, we can get the real answers we seek and need that are far more helpful than robotic “yes” or “no” answers!

4 - A reading is negative if it doesn’t tell you what you want to hear or already believe to be true

I want to say up front that this portion of this writing is the trickiest to explain.  Why?  Because practically every client I have ever read for has always said that they only want to hear the truth from me.  But sometimes, in reality, a client clearly does not want truth, even if they claim the contrary - they only want what they already feel, desire and believe to be true to be spoon fed right back to them, all under the guise of accurate counsel.  One might then ask, “Why would anyone pretend to be open in a reading,” when in reality they really aren’t?

There are several reasons as to why this type of situation may occur:

1 - If a client pretends that they are open to hear the truth in a reading, this allows that client to easily blame the psychic and make them wrong if the reader doesn’t simply give them what they want.  Keep in mind, by pretending that they’re indeed open-minded, the client sets it up to not have their defensiveness and emotional denial be the issue, therefore, the reader can be the one who is indeed at fault.  “It’s not that I want to hear what I want to hear,” a client proclaims.  “You’re not right and what you’re saying is absolutely not true.  This is a really negative reading,” they conclude.  Then, a potentially helpful and healing session is labeled as dark, doom and gloom and negative, not because it really may be any of those things, but because it doesn’t accommodate the clients’ emotional wish list.

2 - Often someone wants to control and manipulate the psychic process, with the desire to twist the arm of an advisor to get the answers they want.  This way, the client has their emotions, ego, desires, even fantasies validated.  In this instance, if the psychic indeed says it, then it must be true.  For some people, just hearing it, even if it is maneuvered falsely, is enough to have a momentary feel good.  I’ve even seen people engage in this type of activity with multiple readers; to keep having their emotional needs affirmed - like filling a glass with water that has a hole in the bottom.  The problem, of course, is that if the information received is not accurate, it does no good for anyone in the long run. 

3 - This problem is not exclusive to seekers of readings; it is also present with certain psychics themselves.  Again, the twist; practically every single reader nowadays claims they won’t ever tell you what you want to hear.  “Be prepared for the truth!” “Only call if you can handle the truth!” “Truth only!”

But certain unethical readers use this concept to give the illusion of a truthful session, all the while simply telling people what they want to hear, what they already believe to be true, and what their egos can accept.  This has a chilling effect on the psychic process.  Initially, the client is elated, overjoyed, feeling as if God has answered all of their prayers.  Then in time, when the false information proves to be just that, clients become bitter, disappointed, even bankrupt, depending on how long they’ve engaged in this process.

Before having a reading, really ask yourself, “Am I honestly open to hear whatever comes through?  Is my internal being receptive to the truth?”  Try to not label a reading “negative” if it isn’t what you want to hear, and by all means, let go of the preconceptions of what you want and already believe to be true so you can honestly receive what spirit may have to offer.

5 - A reading has to make sense right now

Many readers say that the best predictions are the ones that absolutely didn’t make any sense at the time.  I totally agree. Why might this be true?  Because the psychic process is the exact opposite of logic and has nothing to do with the logical process we routinely live by.  We tend to think of our lives unfolding in ways that make sense to where things are at during the current circumstances we are living in at the time. 

But psychic and spiritual information comes from divine mind; higher mind, where things just are; they are not rational or explainable by the standards we use, say to solve a mathematical equation.  Spirit offers insights, vision, and guidance from high above - to help people grow and heal their lives.

I can remember countless times in readings where I’ve told something to someone that sounded so crazy, so unbelievable, even ridiculous that they laughed, argued, or ended the reading.  Almost always, they would inevitably come back later and say I was right.  By the way, I’m not saying this to toot my own horn; but rather to highlight how the strangest predictions are the ones that usually come true.

For example: A long standing client of mine used to teach at a very high end, tremendously profitable institution that was one of the top five learning centers in its respective field worldwide.  The school was making money hand over fist at the time.  About three years ago I told him that in about two years down the road, things would dramatically change there.  I predicted that the school was going to fire its president, then the golden boy, the students were going to launch a class action lawsuit against the school, and the local news would cover it on television and in print media.  The school would begin going downhill, and teachers and employees would lose their jobs.  To both he and I, these predictions seemed unlikely - but we both said, “Hey, you never know; we’ll just wait and see.”  In time, every one of these predictions happened.  Obviously these insights didn’t make any sense back then.

Remember, this world, the physical world is all about change; things change.  We like to think that circumstances alter in our lives and around us proportionally to the way we currently understand and view our journeys.  Sometimes that is true, but often, life altering, dramatic, unexpected events do occur; sometime positively and other times in a difficult way.

Remember that a consultation may not make sense at the time, but in time, things always become clear! 

Always keep in mind that in a reading, neither the client nor the reader should try and be in control - there is nothing to control - diving information is a miraculous gift from the heavens - it is coming through for you and your highest good, so let it be resoundingly heard!  We should open our minds, hearts, and spirits to all that God is willing to give us - and accept whatever is offered with grace, dignity and complete appreciation!