Working Through Negative Emotions (Part 2)
December 30th, 2007 by jim1537
Here in “Working Through Negative Emotions, (Part 2), I hope to go delve deeper through each emotion I’ve chosen to write about here, from the smug safety of cynicism to the often life ending feelings of hopelessness.
As established in Part 1, negative emotions do debilitate and cripple us, and it is paramount for all of us to making the sincere commitment to healing our lives. We must not give up! I sincerely hope to offer the perceptive, clarity, insight, exercises, tips and affirmations to assist in this process. May healing be yours!
Cynicism
When we become cynical, it shuts down our optimism and our hope… Condemning others, smirking at those deemed foolish, looking down on people… Smug and indifferent, nothing much matters anymore to us as we become cynical. Through time, this sensibility leads us to becoming more and more closed, even jaded. And it its own way, it is quite safe. Why? Because with cynicism, chances and risks need not be taken. The cynic sits back on the editorializing sidelines, observes and mocks. Nothing can move one to any real thunder, positively or negatively. The hardship of others or even our own suffering doesn’t move us to tears, or feelings of empathy any longer! Those energies died a long time ago.
It is a reality of looking irreverently at situations, with an aura of false superiority. However, some cynics are clever enough to mock themselves also, giving the illusion of being fair: “I attack you, but I also make fun of myself. See, we’re even,” one quips. And it’s all wrapped in a self assured glow of knowing - but knowing what? That life and its circumstances are a once disappointing, now silly joke!
Here we’ve lost our dreams; therefore, we dismiss the dreams of others! We’ve lost our hope, so we scoff at those who are hopeful, deeming them naive and looking through rise colored glasses. We may feel safe behind this dismissive armor known as criticism, but at what cost to ourselves in the long run?
How did we get here? If we look at ourselves and our circumstances, very seldom do we change our relationship to life, the universe and our inner reality over night. It happens throughout time, many experiences and multiple emotional passages. With cynicism, like most other negative emotions, the process is slow and drawn out… Sometimes it’s not even perceived as occurring at all…and we’re not supposed to necessarily know it is even happening to us…
The momentum of cynicism often operates in a covert fashion, like a secretive undercover mission. It’s mostly done behind the scenes of our conscious awareness. Why? Because if the person experiencing this process doesn’t consciously know that they are becoming increasingly cynical, these feelings and attitudes cannot be dethroned, uprooted and healed, so they remain. If we perceive ourselves as being reasonable, there is nothing to look at and address. Therefore, there IS nothing to heal, allowing the cynicism to grow and remain unchecked, like a disease spreading throughout us that goes undetected and if only marginally perceived, blown off.
“Jim, I know I won’t get the promotion as I’m not connected politically in the office. I don’t suck up to the right people, so guess what, I won’t get the position.” I’ve been here before. Since I don’t play the game, I don’t get promoted, even though I am the most qualified. Oh well, my career stinks and so does life and I don’t really care at all anymore,” a female client who has thrown in the towel says. Here we see how cynicism has evolved throughout time based on repeated disappointments in her career and leads to pessimism. Here, the very cynicism that my client perceives as being real is simply her negative reaction to what has occurred. And the danger of this mindset is that it keeps the very thing going that she has been so frustrated by. Believing in a reality most assuredly helps to perpetuate that exact reality and in this instance, she is metaphorically digging her own grave.
You might question, how would I expect my client to have a positive attitude about her career? She has had several legitimate disappointments. My answer is that whatever experience we go through is not as important as our reaction to it. With repeated “disappointments,” it’s of course easy to become cynical. Once we’ve become that way, there’s not much good that will come through holding onto and embracing that energy! It is kind of like driving down a dead end street.
What my client should do is to work toward asking herself what she has learned through what came before. What did the universe teach her? What was the lesson? And always, take the lesson and throw the rest away, meaning, do not hold onto the emotions regarding whatever has happened. Pronounce that is it OK! A new door will open!
To whatever degree any of us are cynical; we must make a reverse journey if you will - a return to and a reclaiming of openness to life, trust and positive receptivity - in a sense, a reclaiming of our lost innocence. We first do this through working through the varying layers of cynicism and letting them go: life sucks, condemning other people, feeling jaded, non motivated, living without hope, giving up, life will never get any better, mocking and criticizing others and overall insincerity.
Of course this doesn’t mean to throw away what has been taught to us and trust simply anybody and anything that strolls our way. We have learned and all experiences enlighten us. However, we need to let go of the cynicism that saps our vitality, hope and ability to dream. Without a dream, we might be able to exist, but find it impossible to really live! Affirm daily: I see the magic and wonder in all that has come my way! I appreciate my past experiences and see my journey as positive and enriching!
Criticism
Whatever we say when criticizing someone else reflects more about how we truly feel about ourselves than the person we’re criticizing! When we criticize others, we are simply voicing our own opinion of us! Our words are an utter mirror of how we actually feel inside.
To elaborate on this point, the things we dislike about ourselves get projected outward onto others. Let’s say that if we feel unattractive deep within, we might look at a female celebrity on TV and proclaim, “Look at her, she really got fat and ugly! She needs to go on a diet!” The real issue here is that the person doing the condemning doesn’t feel good about themselves, therefore, it’s time to attack another. It even feels good, because the inner feelings of poor self worth get unleashed and thrust upon someone else which provide a momentary release. It’s like a man having a bad day at work and unloading all of his internal negativity on his wife when he comes home. He’ll feel better monetarily as he got it out, but she certainly won’t. In addition, it doesn’t help him to heal his issues anyway.
Sometimes our narrow mindedness causes us to criticize, judge and place blame on others. “Pete down the street left his wife and kids for another woman. He left her for some young home wrecker who’s half his age. What a jerk,” a neighbor exclaims! Never lose sight of that great biblical phrase that most of us don’t practice which is, “Judge not, lest ye be judged!” We should not put down others at all. It is not our spiritual calling - leave that one to a higher power!
On top of that, very few of us realize how deeply we put ourselves down. You can hear it if you read between the lines of what people say. “I’ve never had a good relationship; why doesn’t love ever work our for me? I probably wasn’t worth much to anyone anyway,” a male client who has been frustrated in relationships says to me. Here, if we look at the last sentence of his statement, it speaks volumes. The person, although causally, is giving away how they really feel about themselves and their self worth. Hardly any of us proclaim from the mountaintop how bad and unworthy we feel about ourselves - it is often underplayed as highlighted above.
It is quite frequent that we pick up these bad self-image signals early in childhood. Whether it is the critical, domineering parent, or not shining alongside the other children as much as perfectionism wants us to, we learn to think and feel badly about ourselves. These tapes must be reprogrammed. Not just for the obvious reason that self criticism can be negative, but because it brings down our health, finances, as well as every other area of our journey. Perpetuated, it attracts harmful situations and damaging circumstances back to us. Here, the law of attraction is in play. If you feel not good about you, you magnetize to those people and circumstances that give that negativity right back to you without exception.
Let us first try to not keep criticizing others; meaning, if you can’t say something good about someone, don’t say anything at all! It is a good starting point. From here, work toward pronouncing what is positive about people, all the while removing yourself from the role of judge and jury! It is not a matter of what someone else is doing or has done! People sin and hurt others all day long. Even if the sin is egregious, it is not our divine calling to condemn others. Last, but not least, as we achieve these above-mentioned goals, we no longer criticize ourselves! And when we stop looking down on us, we are free to accept others, the entire universe as well as ourselves without pointing the finger!
Practice this simple exercise daily: Observe everything you say about others! If you stop criticizing others, it will help you to no longer criticize yourself! It so absolutely liberating to be free of the negative vibration of criticism!
Finally, affirm out loud: I accept everyone for who they are and what they’ve done with grace and divine love in my heart as I also accept myself the same!
Revenge
Revenge is a living breathing poison that infects us down to our core. When getting even is the ultimate goal… and we do indeed get our revenge, we will never be happy in the long run. Why? Because the payoff of a negative emotion such as revenge, simply stated is receiving back what we’ve done to another: poisonous, unhealthy, debilitating and punishing — to us. It hurts us. Never lose sight of the fact that the divine universe doesn’t make exceptions for any of us exacting revenge based on the degree that we have been hurt by another. That old adage of “Two wrongs don’t make a right,” really takes on new meaning here. We just like to make that tiny little exception to the rule when we’ve been wounded, when we’ve been damaged!
“I wish bad upon my ex. I wish the same thing on him that he did to me. I want God to pay him back. Yes, I can’t wait to get even. I pray for revenge every day and you know what, God will give it to him because of what he did to me. Just wait and see,” a client emphatically proclaims!
What happened here is that her ex husband and father of her children left the state, ostensibly claiming it was for a new job. But deep inside my client knew he was lying, which I confirmed. There was another woman - or women, and although multiple psychics said he was coming back, I knew he wasn’t and he never did.
So what she did to get even was to try and ruin his new job, cause problems with his cell phone service, get his money and take him to court. And she did get some of what she wanted: she disrupted his career, discontinued his cell phone service and even got some money.
OK, so she got her revenge! Was she happy? Of course not. She then went into a cycle of getting involved with destructive relationships, became physically weaker, even sick, and her finances went downhill. In this instance, that what she sent out came back quite rapidly - within a year to two. Sometimes, though, it can take: years, decades, even lifetimes for the repercussions of our revenge to boomerang back on us.
I counseled her as I do everyone that revenge is not a good thing to indulge in. Some heed my advice, while others don’t. So how do we let go of the desire for revenge? What can we do?
First, it’s important to note that revenge is the end result of many other emotions:
1) Hurt - it all starts with hurt, the feeling of rejection, being lied to, betrayed, disappointed, even feeling played.
2) Anger - As a defense mechanism, anger comes to the rescue to put us in survival mode. Anger prepares us for battle, so with righteous indignation, we move forward. ”I’m not going to take it anymore!”
3) Not Letting Go - By holding onto all of this, a false momentum builds - obsessing mentally and emotionally keeps it going - not being able to sleep. It consumes one from day to night. Something must be done to stop this!
4) Getting Revenge - Delusionally thinking that evening the score will make things better and help one feel better. It may seem to make us feel good for awhile, but it’s a negative high, like robbing a bank. Part of the illusion is that leveling the playing field exalts us to new heights when in actuality; it takes us into the gutter.
So here we see how revenge is built throughout a process of different emotions, all interrelated, and none of them positive for us. We must work through these layers of feelings in reverse order to eventually heal the foundational core issue at hand - the hurt.
First, make the commitment that you are not going to seek revenge. No matter what, you are not going to indulge in getting even. Second, ask divine love to help you let go of this person and situation and release all of the inner burdens to divine spirit! After that, we must acknowledge our anger, but not validate it. We may feel angry - OK, we’ve been hurt, that’s understandable. We must not plan to build on it but work toward dissipating it. Last, but not least, take care of you! Learn from the hurt. Is there anything that can be done to minimize the likelihood of something like this happening to you again based on what you’ve been taught? Look at all you can and have learned and let go of these vengeful feelings in loving and supportive way to you!
Resentment & Rage!
Holding onto resentment & rage is like looking at yourself in a fun mirror - you’ll look quite distorted and surreal, except with resentment and rage, it won’t be a fun reflection at all; it is dark, ugly and the results are horrifying. With these two emotional partners in crime, one overreacts to anything and everything. Innocent statements and common conversations conclude with nightmarish results. When a man filled with these dark emotions comes home from work, he explodes when asked by his wife the simplest question as to how his day went. “I had a rotten day, OK. Leave me the hell alone,” he snaps!
It is a pressure cooker and a time bomb which plays havoc on one’s own internal state: heightened blood pressure, tension, headaches, anxiety, panic, overall psychological stress and health problems; these emotions build and build until a boiling point is reached - something eventually has got to give! As this process advances through time, mundane normal day-to-day life serves as a trigger. For example: Driving through the normal flow of traffic turns into a nerve racking disaster, pounding on the steering wheel, weaving in and out of traffic, cursing and swearing. Waiting in line for a few moments at the grocery store is filled with a tension that ruins the day, while common interactions with people turn adversarial and combative.
“I just want to set an appointment to get my oil changed OK? Is that too hard for you to do? Can you hurry up and give me the first time you have? I don’t care if it’s in the morning or afternoon. Would you just tell me what you’ve got? I didn’t ask which day was most convenient for me. You know, this is really irritating. I just want my oil change as soon as possible,” someone yells!
When one is in the throws of resentment and rage, it is absolutely alienating to everyone who comes in contact with them. People get pushed away by being insulted, yelled at, talked over and interrupted. These feelings are a powerhouse and know no boundaries. In one’s own mind, it’s as if no one else could possibly know what they’ve been through therefore, their attacks are justified. The resentment of years, even decades of memories unhealed segues into complete rage and with that, one becomes on the brink…
With these feelings, everything becomes skewed and out of balance: ones perspective on the way they’re being treated, their past experiences, other people‘s motives and common events take on exaggerated and false horrific tones. Blaming and attacking the wrong person becomes commonplace and again, alienates those who are not out to hurt another. Bad choices are made, as the perspective that guides the decision making processes is totally out of balance and out of whack. When things are not seen clearly or objectively, the decisions predicated on this warped view also produce lopsided and not good results.
So what do we do with these two toxic energies? When our lives reach a point where we’re centered in resentment and rage, we must work through these emotions in a methodical fashion:
1) Make the commitment to yourself that you are not going to act out: meaning yelling, screaming, snapping at people, interrupting and being combative. There are very few instances in life that require a reaction proportionate to acting on resentment and rage.
2) Acknowledge what is making you feel so terribly upset. Look at these experiences, and bring it out into the light, in a calm, matter of fact way. Discuss with those who love you and / or a therapist or counselor to gain perspective that is higher.
3) With that acknowledgment, try to look at what you’ve learned that is positive and made you a better person from each of these passages. Whatever good has come out of it all must be celebrated, while the negative part needs to be let go of, one day and one step at a time.
4) Finally, pronounce out loud daily: I am at peace with my past experiences, my life and all that has happened before. It is OK now as I live in peace with the entire world and myself!
Hopelessness
Hopeless and despondent, listless and throwing in the towel…At the end of our ropes, we’ve lost the energy and movement that comes with emotions, both positively and negatively. Whether the exuberance that comes with being optimistic, or the anger that comes with rage, feelings animate us and make us react and take action. With hopelessness, we’re like a limp dishrag…how can we even continue to get out of bed in the morning? “Jim, I can’t take it anymore. I can’t fight this battle any longer. Nothing has ever gone right for me and is just seems to get worse. You tell me to be hopeful, but nothing improves and I’m just so tired,” a client who has given up laments.
Initially, these feelings may sound like the epitaph on a tombstone, but they should not be. We must take action and here is a starting point to deal with this despondency: The first thing to do is to not give in to, wallow in or embrace hopelessness as it is much too much like stepping into quicksand - these emotions will bury you alive. Losing hope is the end of the line, so to speak, and without optimism; it is awfully hard to exist, yet alone really live. Never forget how many times any of us have seen people go dramatically downhill, even lose their lives once all hope is gone. It is truly a death sentence; even if the actual death takes time to occur!
Second, never forget that where there is life, there is hope! Don’t scoff at such an old mainstay - embrace it as being true! We must counter hopelessness with hope, despondency with enthusiasm, listlessness with excitement over our lives - even when it appears that nothing is going right! In countering the negative with the positive, it immediately makes a huge dent in the negativity for the better. I would remind my client mentioned above that they are alive, able to speak, go to work and make living. That certainly is more than a start!
Third, get out of yourself. This will help you to rise above and transcend that dreadful state of hopelessness. How? Start doing acts of kindness for others. Every day, do something for someone else where there is absolutely no motive of self-interest involved whatsoever. Pay attention to what others need around you and be helpful when and where you can. Doing charity work is a great opportunity to do something good for others and at the same time, feel good about yourself! Even though hopelessness seems so insurmountable, we take a enormous bite out of it by simply helping others. You might ask why? Because negative emotions only focus on self - as in “my suffering.” They disconnect us from the rest of this universe and make us feel separate and that leaves us self indulged. By helping others, we are forced out of this imploded “me” negativity and begin to heal. We become connected in a perpetually positive and enriching way.
Perhaps the most profound way I know of to heal hopelessness is the following daily exercise: Look at anyone and everyone who has it worse than you, and immediately pronounce gratitude for all you have. It makes an enormous difference.
If you are strapped financially, think of someone who can’t pay the rent!
If you are sick, think of someone who is terminally ill!
If you are romantically lonely but have some family and friends, think of someone who has absolutely no one to lean on!
If you don’t like your job, think of someone who is out of work!
If you don’t like your physical appearance, think of someone who is disabled!
If you are frustrated with what people think of you, think of someone who is universally disliked and hated!
If you envy what others have, remind yourself of what you do have!
With this in mind, we turn away from identifying with the poisonous and negative emotions that do nothing but bring our lives, our dreams and us down. As we make a new commitment to being positive and giving it our best, the universe will support us, guiding us every step of the way to the peace and harmony that is ours by divine birthright!
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