Voice of the Spirit

Here is the second half of “10 Undeniable Red Flags.”  In this writing, I attempt to further establish the following two points: First, by denying the red flags shown to us in our relationships with others, the damage that occurs in our life doesn’t just last for the duration of the relationship.  It carries on indefinitely.  Secondly, and on the other hand, when we heed the warnings of the red flags and act accordingly, our lives change irrevocably for the better, often leading to the fulfillment of our dreams. 

6-An apple is not an orange

When we’re attracted to somebody, or desperate, or especially lonely, it’s so easy to compromise our principles and values with the hope of making a relationship work.  However, nothing lasts in the long run that is unnatural for either party.  Just as an apple is not an orange, we will never be able to be anything other than ourselves in a relationship — nor will the other person.  And when either person tries to be someone other than themselves, the relationship eventually falls apart.  Worse than that, though, is when we try to make the other person be who and what we expect them to be, or vice versa… If we want to stand a chance at a successful relationship, we must accept others and ourselves as we are.  Who we are truly represents our values, and those values define our goals and dreams.

Take a look at your goals and your dreams.  Are they being met in a particular relationship?  If they’re not, don’t escape into denial and fantasy and pretend that things are ok when they’re clearly not.  The right person will help you to manifest your goals and dreams; not take you further away from them.  Whether it is owning a business, having a home, making a certain amount of money, wanting to have a family or not, a faithful and honest relationship, or anything else that is important to you, it should never be denied for the sake of a relationship.  When goals and dreams are unfulfilled, and either party is not allowed to be who they are, it all leads to failure — sooner or later.

This is exactly what happened to Amy and Mark.  After a couple of months of dating, Mark decided to move in with Amy.  The red flags started appearing within weeks of the two living together.  Amy was cheap and saved every penny, while Mark was generous with his money. Since Amy didn’t like this about Mark, she started criticizing him for his spending habits:  “Mark, I don’t want to have to take care of you financially if you spend so much money that you go broke.  You need to stop spending right now,” she warned.  Since Mark didn’t immediately heed her financial advice, she started punishing him by ignoring him periodically and withholding sex. 

After four months into the relationship, Mark decided to change his financial habits, and stopped spending money.  He didn’t do this because he thought it was the right thing to do, but because he believed he could become who and what Amy wanted.  Mark went into denial, and continued to hope that things would somehow work out, all because he wanted the relationship to succeed.  At the same time, Amy refused to budge, as she was bound and determined to make Mark into who she wanted him to be.  For a while, Mark started to lose his identity in the relationship.

They both ignored these huge red flags and got married about seven months into the relationship anyway.  After the honeymoon, things got worse.  Amy became more paranoid about the couples finances, as they were now jointly intertwined.  Mark, no longer able to be someone he wasn’t, went back to spending his money as he always had.  Because of this, the couple’s sex life dwindled, as the financial issues created a barrier between the two, which limited their intimacy.  Amy became more critical and withholding – and Mark foolishly thought that by hanging in there, things would somehow have to get better in time.

After six long and miserable years of marriage, the couple finally divorced.  However, that wasn’t the end of their problems, as the experience made Amy resentful, bitter, and shut down; therefore, she’s remained alone for ten years.  Mark became afraid of commitment and intimacy because he felt trapped in the marriage, so he got involved with more edgy women who were always fun, yet non committal and unfaithful.  Here we see how the repercussions from the red flags that were denied still affect the lives of both Amy and Mark today. 

There is a lot that can be learned from the story of Amy and Mark as you look at your own relationships.  Never forget to be honest with who you are – and honest about who the other person is.   Just think of how it would sound if someone came up to you and proclaimed, “I am so upset that this apple in my hands in not an orange.  How can I make it into an orange?  Why isn’t it an orange, since I don’t want it to be an apple?”  The same thing applies to people.  We are who we are, and that is represented by our values, goals and dreams – none of which can be denied if we want to have a truly successful relationship. 

7-Everybody counts

By the mere fact that a relationship involves two people, it would seem clear that both people’s needs should be considered.  As everybody counts, no one should be treated disrespectfully.  However, that is certainly not always the case, as most of us have experienced firsthand in our relationships: whether romantically, in friendships, with family, and/or in our careers.  And there are so many ways that someone shows us that we don’t count.  A prime example of this is when someone we’re romantically involved with doesn’t make time for us…

When your lover refuses to make time for you, it is clearly a huge red flag.  After all, who wants to only be sort of in the picture – maybe every once in a while?  Often, someone puts you on the shelf, and only deals with you when it is convenient for them.  People can always use the excuse that they’re busy – sure, the whole world is busy.  Or, they just blow you off and ignore you.  But in reality, one always does what’s important to them, and if someone doesn’t make time for you, it clearly indicates the real lack of value they feel toward you. 

This is exactly what happened to Joe in his relationship with Heather, a woman he’s been with for a year.  She kept repeatedly telling him that she was busy when he tried to make plans with her.  “Joe, I’m busy on Monday, and I’ve got to see my family this Tuesday, and the girls are getting together on Wednesday.  Maybe we could get together Thursday, but I think I have to help my girlfriend move that day,” Heather said.  “I’ll get back to you and let you know,” she added.  These may all sound like plausible excuses from a busy girl, but Heather hasn’t made time for Joe in over a month.  These are just this week’s agenda of pre-existing activities that prevent her from seeing him.  Realistically, Heather just doesn’t value Joe all too much – that is clear.

As it should be with any healthy relationship, Heather needs to make time for Joe.  She should be offering him one of the most generous gifts of all, the gift of time – not only in quantity, but also with quality.  However, she refuses to do so, and it certainly frustrates Joe.  He’s even tried to address this with Heather multiple times, but she just blows it off or simply makes excuses for her actions.  Even with this red flag, Joe refused to exit the relationship, because Joe doesn’t feel deserving of being treated well.  He just escaped into the denial that she would eventually make more time for him.  So now he’s been in the same pattern with Heather now going on five years.  Just think if Joe would have extricated himself from this relationship based on the red flags early on.  He would have been in a different position today – potentially with a much better person for him than Heather…

In addition to not making time for you, another red flag that shows you don’t count is when someone is inconsiderate of you.  Their selfishness and self-centeredness is clearly shown when they dismiss or disregard your needs.  (Remember, a need is something that is essential to one’s well being and survival; not just a want, or a wish.)  Through being inconsiderate, they set the tone and define the limits in the relationship.  Remember, it’s all about them.  It’s their show and they are the star – you’re merely an invited guest if and when it suits them.  This empowers their ego, and allows them to be in control of the situation.  These qualities especially reveal themselves when you’re in a time of crisis, and the other person still demonstrates a lack of consideration for what you’re going through, even then.

This exact thing repeatedly happened to Mike with his brother Omar.  Mike’s needs have never been considered by Omar, but Mike has ignored the red flags based on the fact of the old adage that blood is thicker than water.  Omar is all about Omar, and other people’s needs don’t matter to him.  Whether it’s the needs of Mike or anyone else’s, Omar is only looking out for number one, as he is a truly selfish man.

Recently, Mike was devastated about being demoted out of the blue at work (especially because he didn’t feel he deserved it).  Mike was quite angry at his boss, and was considering turning in his resignation the next day.  Clearly, he needed some rational input on this situation, as whatever he did could change the course of his career irrevocably.  So he ignored the issues that have been there, and called his brother:  “Hey Omar, I’m furious about what happened at work.  My boss demoted me today, and I have absolutely no idea why,” Mike said.  What in the heck should I do about this?” he questioned.  “I’m so angry that I’m really thinking about quitting tomorrow, as I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I’ll show him,” Mike vented!

Predictably, Omar was only partially listening to Mike without offering any input in return.  After a minute or so, Omar simply changed the subject to talk about himself.  “Man, I want to go out and get a great steak tonight,” Omar said.  “Doesn’t that sound good?”  In frustration, Mike ended the call, as he knew the issues that had been there all too well.  Yet Mike has always refused to come out of denial, and acknowledge the red flags of how his brother has always treated him.  Therefore, he gets hurt repeatedly.  However, this time, it had serious consequences.

In confusion and anger, Mike ended up quitting his job the next day.  By quitting impulsively, he had to find work immediately, simply to pay the bills.  This forced him to take the first mediocre job offered to him, which has lead to a string of the same type of positions, which he’s still in today.  Instead, Mike could have bided his time at work, while looking for a new position in his career that could have been good for him. 

Of course, it was Mike’s choice, but two other factors come to mind about this situation: 1-If Mike would have been honest regarding the red flags he’s always known about Omar, he could have reached out to someone else who cares.  That person could have potentially helped him to calm down, and make a rational, non emotional decision.  2-If only Omar would have been considerate of his brother Mike’s needs, the outcome of his career path could have turned out much different, and possibly more positively.

As seen in the case of Joe (with Heather) and Mike (with Omar), the long range consequences for denying and ignoring the red flags that they didn’t count were life altering in a negative way.  We must never lose sight of the fact that the outcomes of our lives turn out radically differently depending on whether or not we heed such warnings. 

8-Talk to me baby

Sherry had been frustrated in her career for years, as she had always wanted to be her own boss.  Making a limited salary was becoming more and more depressing, and she clearly wanted something better.  So she decided to go into business with her friend Karen.  Sherry was well aware of the red flags that had been there with Karen, as she had always refused to communicate with Sherry about whatever issues existed between them through the years.  And if she did, Karen would simply try to make Sherry wrong. 

When the two reached impasses before, Karen would not talk to Sherry for a while; refuse to communicate and heal things, giving her the silent treatment as a form of punishment.  Sherry would always eventually be the one to give in, and extend the olive branch just to keep the peace in the relationship.  Karen was egotistical, arrogant, self righteous, and a-know-it-all.  Sherry had low self esteem, and was terrified of being abandoned.  Therefore, she ignored the repeated red flags through the years, while doing her best to maintain the friendship.

Even through Sherry knew this all too well, she chose to ignore the red flags, and went into business with Sherry.  Here, she delusionally believed that her dream (a new business) would somehow override the real issues that had been there with Karen.  It’s sort of like saying if you have a broken leg, having a facial will somehow make the broken leg go away.  So, when the two opened their online business of selling self help and spiritual books, the problems were immediate.  Sherry put up 90% of the money and did almost all of the work, while Karen did virtually nothing.  Yet, their agreement called for a 50-50 monetary split.  Sherry addressed her concerns:  “Karen, I feel like I’m carrying the entire load: placing the orders for books, fulfilling orders from clients, and doing the shipping and handling.  Could you at least help out with one of these things?” she questioned.  “So are you my boss now?  You do what you do, and I’ll do what I do.  There’s nothing to talk about.  Just don’t try and control my part of the business,” Karen snapped back.  Here, she refused to communicate at all about these real issues, and tried to emotionally intimidate Sherry.

Sherry tried to suck it up for a good 12 months or so, but eventually the business failed.  She even made one last ditch attempt to communicate with Karen on how to salvage the business, but Karen wouldn’t take her call.  So the two ended up in court over who was going to be liable for the expenses of the business, as it never recouped its initial investment and lost money.  In the end, Sherry ended up paying for virtually everything, and lost a lot of money. 

Just like with Sherry and Karen, any relationship can’t grow without sincere communication.  It can never be about silence, winning, being right, making the other person wrong, and refusing to heal things.  Any relationship can’t be one-sided and still work, as it will reach a breaking point.  It’s just a matter of time.  Real communication is about working together for a greater good, learning and growing together, and understanding each other. 

We can all avoid many pitfalls through observing the saga of Sherry and Karen.  The lack of communication from Karen showed Sherry all she needed to know, but by pretending that something “positive” overrides the red flags that had always been there, Sherry paid dearly for this choice.  In fact, she is still struggling financially today.  This could have all been avoided, if Sherry had just listened to what was clearly shown to her by the red flags that had been apparent all along.

9-The same old song and dance

For better or worse, our attractions to people are largely defined by who we are internally at any point in time.  This is based on our self-image, self-esteem, identity and values, which help to shape and focus who and what we’re drawn to.   We usually refer to all of these complex internal dynamics as merely being our “type.”  Sometimes, our type is represented by something like blond hair and big breasts for a man.  Even if it is merely physical attributes we’re attracted to, it still represents something deeper within us.

Sometimes people pretend that varying physical looks in those they’re attracted to actually make them different from each other.  This gives the illusion that they’re not just repeating an unhealthy relationship pattern, when they’re actually choosing the same person in essence over and over again.  Focusing on physical differences is a way of avoiding the real red flags – which are based on the real differences between people.  This is all shown through their essence, not just their physical selves.  Forget the window dressing – that one guy is tall and dark, while another is short and red haired.  It doesn’t mean anything in and of itself.  It is what’s within that separates people.

At other times, our “type” is harder to detect, as it is psychologically and emotionally driven.  What we’re attracted to is the energy and essence that a person carries with them.  If a woman likes dangerous and edgy men, that energy and essence is what will attract her to a particular relationship. 

This is the case with Barbara.  When she met Carlos, the attraction was electrifying and immediate, as his essence immediately drew her in.  Edgy, dangerous, exciting, and unfaithful, he represented the same energy of the men she had been with many times before.  The red flags were all over the place: him lying, being inconsistent, game playing, putting her through emotional drama right off the bat, and wild lustful sex.  As with most of us, she was too drawn in and hooked by the chemistry to walk away, so she ignored the countless red flags that were present.  And just like in former relationships, she became preoccupied, overwhelmed, and devastated by the situation.

You might look at Barbara’s situation and wonder, “What can I do if I’m also drawing in lovers who are not good for me?”  Here are some points to realize:  no one can simply tell themselves to stop being attracted to who and what they desire.  Sexual energy is too strong and powerful of a vibration to just turn it off immediately and want someone else simply because they’re a nice person.  As stated earlier, our attractions reflect deeply and profoundly on who and what we are at any given period of our lives. 

So is there anything that we can do if we wish to change that “same old song and dance” to meeting someone new who could be wonderful for us?  There are three things that I would strongly recommend, so let’s take a look at them:

1-Use your intuition — When meeting new people, immediately be aware of the red flags.  Does this new person remind you in any way of your negative exes?  What do your instincts say about them?  Certainly, don’t look for this new person to be the right one, as that will cloud your intuition.  And don’t slip into denial, which is easy to do when you want something to work out with someone.  If you’re making any excuses for them, it’s time to cut and run.  Remember, your gut won’t lie to you.  Again, ask yourself if they remind you in any way of the negative lovers from your past.

2-Look at the facts — Of course, facts don’t lie – so don’t distort and ignore them.  If someone you’ve just met is married, and you’ve been with married partners before, there’s a red flag.  If you’ve been with alcoholics before and this new person drinks, there’s another red flag.  Some “facts” may take longer to come out, as it can take time for the truth to unfold.  As the facts present themselves, make your decisions accordingly, especially when you are clearly being shown the past patterns you’ve been through before.

3-Change who you are internally and everything changes – Even if we claim to not have a “type,” we will see that there are striking similarities between those we’ve been attracted to.  The answer is not in just meeting new people to find someone supposedly different without first looking at yourself.  You can’t force the outer world to be anything more or other than who you are internally.  Therefore, you must change, as you won’t be able to attract someone better, until YOU change internally.  Again, you can’t “turn off” your “turn ons” and stop who and what you’re attracted to.  But by changing within on a deep and real level, who and what you’re attracted to will also change accordingly.  Also, those you draw to yourself will change proportionately as well.  This is not airy-fairy and up in the clouds – it’s quite literal and real.

For Laura, she decided to break her old unsuccessful relationship patterns and change herself.  When she met Ron, the red flags she had experienced so many times before were right there.  He was afraid of commitment, ostensibly because he had been hurt before, so he only wanted to date Laura part time with no real strings attached.  She had already been down this road, and was tired of meeting men who were unavailable and unattainable. 

So she decided to heed the warnings of the red flags, and dumped Ron.  She then stopped dating for a while and proceeded to work on herself.  She came to discover that her problem stemmed from her divorce.  Since it was so nasty, she became soured toward men, relationships and commitment. This put up an internal wall which wouldn’t allow anyone in who would offer commitment to her. 

Laura ended up doing the internal work she needed to come to peace with her divorce.  She blessed her ex husband, wished him well, and really let it all go.  By doing this, she opened her energy to meet someone good for her.  And in time, it all worked out for her, as she met someone who was willing to love her.  This wasn’t an accident or the luck of the draw.  It happened because she healed her internal issues.  Here, she listened to the red flags she saw with Ron, and made a new choice by doing the work within.  This led her to the relationship that was no longer the same old song and dance!  We can do the same!

10-Is sex all there is?

Often, women see sex as a vehicle to solidify a relationship, while men want sex without much of a relationship.  This was the case with Jody and Rod.  When she met him, Jody liked him right away.  As there didn’t seem to be any initial red flags, she ended up having sex with him on the second night after they met.  Since the attraction was mutual, their intimacy continued on a regular basis.  After a few weeks of this, though, the red flags appeared, as all they ever did was have sex.  Sure, they always talked a bit, hung out at his place and had a few drinks, but the relationship wasn’t moving forward in any other way.

Because of the “chemistry,” Jody decided to give it a chance, yet the pattern continued.  After three months of this, she was clearly frustrated.  “Rod, all we ever do is have sex.  We never go out on a date  — you never take me anywhere.   I don’t really even know your friends.  Wouldn’t it be nice to go somewhere with your friends?  I’d love to meet them,” Jody stated.  However, Rod wasn’t frustrated with the way things were.  He liked it just as it was.  But since he didn’t want to lose the sex he had with Jody, he lied to her:  “Babe, I hear you.  We should go out sometime, and you should meet my friends, too.  Don’t worry – things will change.”  As Rod had done this type of thing to many women before, he sounded believable.

At first, Jody was optimistic about what he said to her, but her intuition felt as if something was still wrong.  This was a huge red flag, as intuition doesn’t mislead or lie.  Deep down, she knew that Rob didn’t mean a word of what he said.  Not only did nothing get better, but in fact it actually got worse.  Rob stopped calling her to come over for sex, and just left it up to her to initiate contact with him.  At least before, he’d call her up to come over.  So six months after she first met him, Jody ended things with Rob permanently.  He was just using her as a convenience, as sex was really all there was…Even though Jody once felt that what she had with Rob was quite special, the sexual intensity that she experienced with Rob is actually quite common.

Because sex is perhaps the most powerful energy we experience in the physical world, we become overwhelmed, hypnotized, and confused by it.  It is cosmic and atomic by nature, and the act of sex is spiritually transcendent.  Its force can transform and heal us; while conversely, it can devastate and destroy us.  The powerful feelings we experience with sex doesn’t mean that the person we’ve shared this with cares for us, is good for us, or someone who wants a relationship.  We assume that because of the intensity we’ve felt with sex, everything else will somehow fall into place: commitment, communication, fidelity, and so forth.  However, that is not necessarily true.  Thankfully, Jody was smart enough to see the red flags for exactly what they were, and cut her ties with a man who was only offering her one single thing – sex.  And there are many couples who are quite compatible sexually and feel titillating passion, yet have nothing else to offer each other.

For Jody, even though she had mixed emotional feelings about her choice, she knew she did the right thing.  And this was confirmed just a few months later, when she actually met a man who ended up being the one to truly love her.  He was really the right match for her, and vice versa.  Because she had removed what was in the way, the divine universe was able to bring a dream to her!  And the relationship worked, as they married and are happy today!  These dreams are not just for Jody, but for all of us who heed the warnings of the red flags that are ever present for us – as they protect, guide, watch over us, and keep us out of harm’s way every single day.  It is simply our job to listen and act accordingly!

We tend to think that our success and happiness in life is an acquiring process.  What can I do to get what I want?  We visualize, affirm, and pray for our heart’s desire.  Then why don’t our dreams come true, then?  Because often, manifesting our success and happiness is the exact opposite, and a removal process.  We must remove what’s in the way, to become an open vessel for the divine universe to work through.  Red flags will always show you what’s in the way, and what you need to remove.  Become that open channel of all the divine universe affords you and clear the pathway by removing the negative self destructive relationships that are holding everything back, and let your highest blessings and greater good come to you.

Loooking for a new direction?  If you are interested in having your own private reading with Jim1537, click here.

At the end of a relationship, have you ever wished that you only knew certain things about the person in the beginning? Would it surprise you to know that those very things may have always been there – for you to see? We need to always look for the “red flags” when meeting new people, whether in romantic relationships, friendships, career or business partnerships. “Red flags” are the divine universe’s way of providing us with the necessary warning signs and alarms that are vital to protecting us from negative and debilitating life changing relationships.

How many times have I heard clients say, “If I only would have listened to my first impressions and what my gut said when I met that person, I wouldn’t have gone through such a horrible experience. The red flags were right there for me to see, but I ignored them, and did what I wanted to do anyway.”

As we look back at our failed and problematic relationships, we’ll see that the red flags and warning signs were indeed there. Whether immediately apparent or revealed in a reasonable amount of time, who a person really is and what their true intentions are toward us always become clear.

We now need to incorporate the awareness from what we’ve been through before into our experience today, as to not make the same missteps again. Also, we need new tools that will help us to see people for who they really are and help us to identify the red flags right off the bat or shortly after we have met them.

To achieve that end, I have written the two-part series: “10 Undeniable Red Flags.” Today’s blog entry offers Part 1, #’s 1-5, while Part 2, #’s 6-10 will appear in my the next entry.

1-First Impressions Don’t Lie

When we meet people, our innate psychic radar is tuned in loud and clear. You can refer to it as intuition, gut level instinct, or an unexplainable feeling. Whatever you choose to call “it,” we are always “checking out” who a person really is when we meet them; even if we don’t believe in psychic ability, intuition or anything beyond our five mundane senses.

Why do we do this? It ties into our need to survive. What we’re looking for, even if we’re consciously unaware of this process, is to know who and what a person actually is; beneath their veneers and social skills. By intuitively “checking someone out,” we see if they will threaten, harm, lie to us, or be beneficial in our lives. It is the intuitive equivalent of stepping into a house we may purchase, looking around, scrutinizing it, and seeing if it’s a good or bad choice. Do you remember the phrase, “The devil is a gentleman?” Very few people instantly come off bad or project that they’re a negative person — certainly not in polite society. In the beginning, most people are on their best behavior. Also, the only way to draw you into the new relationship is to appear to be a good person.

So whatever your first impression is, it will be correct, especially if you’re going into it with an open mind. Sure, if you’re meeting a blind date, and you want them to be “the one,” that clouds your real intuition, which can easily be replaced by your emotional desires pretending to be your gut. However, if you’re just being natural and neutral without expectation when you meet someone, your initial take on them will be correct. Often, these feelings are absolutely contradictory to who a person “seems” to be, and don’t make sense at all. However, they’re not supposed to, as intuition is not logical. Intuition is beyond what we can perceive with our five physical senses.

This very thing happened to Jennifer when she met a man named John who dressed well, was attractive, successful, and quite polite. By anyone’s standards, he was a fantastic catch. Yet something felt wrong — really wrong. When she stood next to him, she was unsettled. Something just didn’t feel right, which she couldn’t explain to herself, understand why, or even begin to know what it was. Yet, in the midst of John gently talking about taking her on a lovely dinner date and gazing wistfully at her with his bright blue eyes, Jennifer’s uneasy feelings grew stronger. So she decided to listen to what she felt, even though it seemed odd, and rejected John’s offer of a date. What a smart move she made, as Jennifer later found out that he has several girlfriends, and that one of these women actually accused him of being abusive toward her. By Jennifer listening to her gut, she avoided a potentially disastrous involvement that could have potentially lead her to a horrible life altering entanglement. Here, her first impression showed her the truth, as it always does – and Jennifer was smart enough to listen, as we all should.

2-Instant Connection

“I have never felt a feeling like this before. I was instantly so attracted to him, I couldn’t believe it. Our eyes locked, and I was completely hypnotized. From the moment we met, I fell in love,” Suzie explains about her new love, Jason. “I know it’s happening so fast, but it feels so right,” she adds. Quickly, the couple moved in together, and became engaged within a few months. Shortly after, the two married.

However, after the dust settled, the couple realized that they really weren’t compatible at all. Within a year or so, Suzie and Jason were divorced. The instantaneous chemistry they experienced clouded the reality of who they really were as individuals, how they related to each other as a couple, and what they each needed in a relationship.

Do you remember the phrase? “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.” When meeting someone who becomes our new best friend, or falling in love instantly, there are usually serious problems. With “instant connection,” it’s largely based on fantasy. By connecting so quickly, the reality of who a person is and the real chemistry of a relationship is obfuscated and made unclear. This way, (at least in the beginning) one can write the script any way they want. Since it’s new, there’s no water under the bridge, baggage, issues, or problems; at least not yet. However, sooner or later, the reality of the actual dynamics between two people always reveals itself.

As in the case of Suzie and Jason, the feelings they experienced hardly had anything to do with how they truly felt about each other on a real level. They were both open to and looking for a certain experience – in the short of it, a whirlwind romance. Suzie and Jason both provided a fantasy experience for each other, and projected what they wanted the other person to be. That fantasy was bought into enough for them to even get married.

Yet time proved their relationship wasn’t based on compatibility, shared goals, values, or dreams. Suzie and Jason became interchangeable parts in each other’s agenda, and used the relationship to have the experience they individually desired. This experience was both emotionally and financially quite costly. They both became disillusioned in love, and had to pay high lawyers’ fees, as the couple fought over an expensive home they jointly purchased.

So it is crucial when meeting people to never deny the red flag of “instant connection.” If something is right, it will stand the test of time, and it will make sense as the relationship unfolds. If it isn’t right, why put yourself in such a difficult situation, where you can become hurt, used, disillusioned, world weary, and even devastated? Just like when driving a car, you hopefully wouldn’t turn on the ignition, and immediately jam the acceleration pedal to the floor. With any new relationship possibility that crosses your pathway, let it grow organically and reasonably. This way, the true reality of the “connection” you and this person share becomes revealed in a timely fashion. This helps you to navigate your journey safely and productively.

3-What you see is what you get, sort of…

We often hear that honesty is the best policy in relationships, but are there ever situations where too much honesty can be a red flag…?

Too much truth can hide a lie

“Janice, I’m married. Just wanted to let you know the facts right off the bat,” Jose said. Here, Janice is startled and surprised by what Jose, a man she just met, has said to her. “He’s so honest. At least I know what I’m dealing with,” Janice confides to a girlfriend. Days later, Jose said to her, “I may be married, but I haven’t had sex with my wife for years. The sight of her disgusts me, so I always sleep in the basement.” Janice is further intrigued. Since Jose was initially honest about being a married man, she thinks that what Jose is saying now (about not being sexually active with his wife for years), must also be true. However, it was a lie. Jose has had a regular sex life with his wife since they were married.

Some people, such as Jose, initially tell the truth in a way that is unflattering to themselves by declaring such things as: “I’m married.” “I’ve had a drug problem in the past.” “I’ve been arrested once before a long time ago.” “You might ask, “Why would anyone do this?” Because these types of admissions are designed to make the person saying such things look totally honest, which allows them to gain the trust of others. It appears as if a person such as Jose is actually noble, and willing to risk it all, solely to tell the truth. Then, if trust can be gained, it is presumable that the other person, such as Janice, will believe what is also said to them. It can actually create an even deeper trust, as someone like Janice feels that they’re in on the secret, and included in on private and privileged information. It all creates a powerful smoke screen.

What if the person admitting their past drug problem said it to hide the fact that they’re still doing drugs now? How about if the person acknowledging they were arrested before said it to avoid the reality that they actually did hard prison time recently, and has trouble with the law again? The red flags are clear. When any of us meet someone like Jose, we should always ask ourselves: “Why would someone I just met tell me things about themselves that are downright incriminating? What do they have to gain by telling me this information? Who am I to know all of this…?” Something is obviously wrong, and it can’t be denied.

Unfortunately, Janice bought into the illusion of Jose being a blatantly honest man. She had the affair with him, and eventually discovered that he and his wife were still having sex. Janice was his mistress for five long years, as she couldn’t put her mind around the red flag of his “false honesty.” Even though honesty may not always be designed to camouflage a lie as it was for Jose, it can be a powerful game and even a weapon.

Honesty as a game and a weapon “Cindy, I don’t want a commitment,” David flatly states. He just started communicating with Cindy online, and wants to establish the rules of the game straight away. On the other hand, she also recently started talking with Frank, another man she met online. Frank says the opposite of David: “I’m looking to get married now, Cindy, and that’s what I want.”

Both of these honest statements are a red flag. Why? Because these two “honest” men come into a new relationship with a pre-existing agenda, without even knowing who Cindy is. This means that these men are not really open to what a new relationship can be. Cindy is put in the position of having to accommodate the rules of the game, as laid out by David or Frank. The agenda of David is to avoid commitment, yet still have sex, while Frank is looking for a wife, plain and simple. This allows them to establish control of whatever builds from the initial contact, as they have rigidly defined the parameters of what the relationship will be from here on out.

However, Cindy realized that what these two men were engaging her in a game – one where only they set the rules. As she really did want a real relationship, she cut her ties with David and Frank, and began meeting new people.

In addition to it being a game as is was with David and Frank, too much honesty can also be a quite powerful weapon: “I don’t like your dress,” Bill says to Tasha, who he’s on his first date with. “I think it’s not very attractive on you at all,” he further chimes in. Here, his honesty makes Tasha feel bad about herself, especially because she didn’t even ask Bill what he thought of her dress. “What do you want me to do? Lie? I’m just being honest with you,” Bill further defends. This type of honesty is a huge red flag, as it allows Bill to attack Tasha’s self image and self esteem, which sets himself up to use honesty as a way to dominate, control, and potentially abuse her. Tasha felt so energetically molested by Bill’s comments, that she dumped him flat that evening, as the red flag was so crystal clear to her. Bill tried to further create excuses for his behavior; that’s he a little blunt, but that he doesn’t mean to hurt anybody…but Tasha refused to buy into it.

Honesty as an excuse

Like Bill, some use honesty as a way of defining their faults right up front, simply as a way of excusing them. “I know I’m always late. That’s just the way I am. I’m sorry, but I just wanted to let you know up front,” Kevin says to Joel, a new potential business partner. “If I show up late, don’t take it personally, as it’s just the way I’ve always been,” he further adds.

 Here, Kevin is not trying to acknowledge his faults as a way of working on them and becoming a better person. It’s just a way of him saying that this is who he is and the way it will be, and for Joel to be prepared to deal with it. Kevin is using honesty as a way of justifying being inconsiderate of his potential new partner, and setting the tone. If Kevin’s late and his partner has to wait, who gets victimized? Of course, Joel does. However, Joel decided to ignore this red flag. He chose to see Kevin’s admission as forthright and decided to go into business with him anyway: “Hey, no one’s perfect. So Kevin’s late sometimes. I can deal with that,” Joel said.

However, little did Joel know that it would cost him a valuable business contract. In typical fashion, Kevin showed up late for a business meeting where a potential investor simply got tired of waiting around. He then pulled the plug on investing into Kevin and Joel’s enterprise. This was all because the potential investor was soured by Kevin’s lack of professionalism.

In any relationship, whether professional or personal, we all want to be involved with someone who is honest. That goes without saying. However, we need to watch for the instances where too much honesty becomes something we get fooled by. It is a definite red flag whenever honesty is used to set up or achieve an additional agenda or ulterior motive.

 4-Lies, Lies, Lies Very few people just lie through their teeth when you first meet them, as no one would consider a person like that to be credible on any level. Anyone who lies about anything and everything appears mentally ill. Therefore, a good liar mixes the lies with the truth. More importantly, though, is to watch how a liar slowly and insidiously incorporates their lies into a new relationship. Things might start off seemingly good, until the story of who they are and what they initially presented themselves to be changes and shifts — a little at a time.

If the red flags are not apparent immediately, they will begin to be revealed within a reasonable amount of time. The key is to not get emotionally hooked into the person within that probationary period, as you’ll need to extricate yourself from the relationship if the lies begin emerging.

That’s exactly what happened to Jonathan. He came up with an idea for an internet business, and in looking for someone to work with, he ran into Edward, who claimed to have launched several successful internet ventures. Edward offered names of people he had worked with, and the information he provided seemed to check out at first.

However, as several weeks unfolded, holes started appearing in Edward’s story. He assured Jonathan that he would speak with former associates, and even mentioned times where communication would occur. However, these “partners” never called Jonathan as Edward had promised they would. At first, it was explained as so and so was busy, out of town, and will get back in touch. After three weeks of this, Jonathan became suspicious.

Edward put Jonathan in touch with some financial investors, who sounded upbeat and positive in the initial conversations about funding the project. Edward then assured Jonathan that the money was going to come within a few weeks. As Jonathan waited, the money never came. The only thing that moved forward with the project was that Edward wanted Jonathan to sign papers to make him a partner.

It was now about 6 weeks into this, and nothing had materialized as Edward promised it would. Although not instantly, the red flags revealed themselves in a timely fashion well within 90 days. Jonathan had seen enough warning signs, and decided to terminate his new relationship with Edward, and simply moved on.

Maybe not at first, but liars always do get caught and busted. Their deception and secretiveness will make a person they’re involved with suspicious and mistrustful of who they are and what they do. Eventually, it all comes out. But what if it’s too late? Meaning, what if one is too emotionally involved to cut their ties once the lies are completely unveiled?

This is what Laura went through when she started dating Chuck in early 2006. At first, Chuck declared that he was a faithful man, open and honest, only dates one woman at a time, and would never lie to Laura. (Initially Laura’s intuition strongly warned her to stay away from Chuck, as her gut felt that something was wrong.) Yet she decided to continue dating him and let the situation unfold, as she had no tangible proof of him being a liar.

As time went on, he seemed more and more secretive, and closed off a lot of the time. It got worse after the first few weeks of their relationship. When he explained where he was and what he was doing, there were holes in his stories – timelines and dates didn’t add up or make sense. How could he be with his mother, yet be spotted in a bar by one of Laura’s friends at the same time? It was becoming increasingly clear after about 4 weeks, that Chuck was deceptive. In spite of these multiple red flags which grew stronger, she was emotionally too involved to just get out.

So she asked God almighty to show her what her new boyfriend was doing, as she supposedly wanted to know the truth. Do you recall the phrase? “Don’t wish for something, you might just get it.” Laura’s wish was definitely granted to her within 7 weeks. One day, she came over to see Chuck, who was in the shower when she arrived. He accidentally left his computer on, and as Laura walked by, it was all there for her to see: pornographic pictures from other women, sexually explicit messages, and dates and times when Chuck would be meeting these other females. It all came out — as it always does. However, when she found out the truth, she claimed it was too late for her to get out of the relationship. She was too emotionally into Chuck, and therefore, she decided to stay with him.

Very few people lie extensively right off the bat. The red flags may be apparent in small ways (which should never be denied), but if not, they will emerge. At first, a liar has to create a smokescreen that might seem plausible. With Edward, he played himself off as being more successful than he was and tried to string Jonathan out with false hopes. With Chuck, he portrayed himself as the good guy — but through time, the illusion came crashing down. The real key is to never deny any red flags that present themselves at any point in the relationship, whether in the beginning or a bit down the road; before your emotions get too involved. Even if it’s not apparent at first, it all comes out in the wash. Just be open to the truth, and don’t deny the red flags, as they never lie as people like Edward and Chuck do…

5-Push me, pull me For any of us who have been in a push me pull me relationship, its dizzying effects can be worse than being dumped. The ups and downs and roller coaster-esque ride not only cause us to lose our center; they can also make us relinquish control of our lives. Being preoccupied, unable to focus at work, not eating, worrying incessantly if and when we’ll hear from them, draining our friends by repeating the same concerns over and over again, and shutting down are all typical symptoms of the push me, pull me syndrome.

Usually, the red flags are apparent pretty quickly as the new lover you’ve met comes on strong at first – in fact, very strong. This is necessary for them to hook you in. Without coming on strong initially, it is presumable that you won’t invest your mind, body, and soul into this new relationship. That investment on your part is necessary for them to be able to play this game on you. Then, once you’re hooked, they pull back. Why? This is their way of establishing control, setting the tone, limits, parameters, and dynamics of the relationship. They see you when it’s convenient to them, and if and when they choose not to, you’re put on the shelf till they decide to connect with you later. It allows them to have their cake and eat it too.

They are counting on you clinging to false hopes, as you can remember that way it initially was, and hope for a return to the magic that briefly once was. After all, the honeymoon just occurred. You can believe that by being patient and biding your time, things will someday go back to the way they were in the beginning. Remember, the person in control serves two masters: on one hand, the relationship, and conversely, their ego, selfishness and mind games which creates inconsistency, distance, avoidance and unavailability. And it’s all done on purpose…because if you believe they’re confused, and/or become confused yourself, the relationship keeps on going.

Using confusion as a way to create confusion

This is what Joyce went through when she met Steve who immediately showed a strong interest in her. After about three weeks or so, he began playing the push me, pull me game. Here was a gigantic red flag, and it created a lot of confusion for Joyce – exactly as it was supposed to. Steve claimed that he was actually the one who was confused. He said that he knew he had feelings for Joyce, but wasn’t sure if he was ready for a relationship (even though he’s the one who aggressively pushed it). He then told Joyce that he wanted to still see her, but he couldn’t promise anything. He might not always be there, be he would try, is how he spun it.

But in reality Steve wasn’t confused at all. He simply pretended to be to confuse Joyce. This is intended to create the illusion that he’s a man struggling to figure things out, work through his pain, past issues and baggage, and today’s uncertainty. However, those premises are entirely false. He knew exactly what he wanted, which was to have Joyce in a non-committal relationship simply as a sexual partner. So he pretended to be taking her to the moon, when in actuality, he wasn’t really taking her anywhere, to lure her in. The truth is that Steve has always been selfish, non-committal, and unfaithful – not searching his soul for answers and clarity to perplexing relationship issues.

Joyce bought into this initially, but she chose to not deny this red flag, and eventually cut Steve off for good. For a while after she terminated the involvement, he called and tried to sweet talk her, but she caught on to who and what he was, thankfully.

The push me, pull me relationship doesn’t only happen in romance, but also in any type of relationship, including friendship. And just because it’s not romantic, doesn’t mean that the effects would be any less powerful.

Cheryl and Joan worked together, and had the same interests in art museums and movies. Cheryl would ask Joan to go to an art museum showing, followed by a movie, but Cheryl soon came to realize that she couldn’t always depend on Joan. Some of the time Joan would go, then other times, she’d back out at the last minute for no apparent reason. Cheryl tried to be understanding and flexible, but after a few months, this red flag was undeniable. She couldn’t take it anymore. So she decided to address this issue with Joan.

Joan became hostile and defensive when she responded: “I am an adult and have the freedom to live my life the way I choose. I don’t owe you an explanation for my choices.” However, this wasn’t about freedom and being who you are. Joan’s actions were about selfishness, taking Cheryl for granted, and having it both ways. Joan wanted to be in control and follow through with plans when she wanted to, or simply blow them off if that suited her.

Since Joan refused to meet Cheryl half way, she didn’t know what to do. After all, she also worked with Joan, and didn’t want to create a huge problem. It really hurt Cheryl’s feelings, as she thought she had made a real friend – not a fair weather acquaintance. So as hurt as she was, she decided to gently fade away from Joan, a little at a time. Joan still wanted to engage Cheryl in activities from time to time, but she was always busy or had things to take care of.

Those such as Steve and Joan are trying to use mixed signals as a way to control, limit, and define the relationship – in a selfish, inconsiderate way, solely on their terms. There is no confusion or struggle within them. They know the game and how to play it. This is a huge power trip as they decide when and how things will be done. With push me, pull me it’s always about them – not about you, regardless of how it is presented.

You may feel wanted, needed, or important, but you’ll only be a vehicle for the other person’s gratification, duplicity, narcissism, and inconsistency in that most dreadful reality we’ve probably all been through of “push me, pull me.” However, it is up to us as to whether we cut our ties, or stay in situations that have been shown to be negative to us. When we walk away, we save ourselves literally from horrific life altering consequences that can affect our entire journey irrevocably.

Keep in mind that in Part 1 of “10 Undeniable Red Flags,” I intended to show that we can avoid negative and toxic relationships. There’s no one or nothing up in the sky setting us up for a fall and for punishment. It is us who makes these choices to accept an involvement with someone who will hurt us. However, the red flags are always there for us to see: sometimes immediately, or within a reasonable amount of time so we can extricate ourselves from a bad situation. It is up to us what we do with the red flags that come to us as a supreme gift from the divine universe that forever tries to watch over us, protect us, and guide us. In the next blog entry, I will conclude this two part series with the second half of this writing.

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

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How would you respond to the question, “What is the world’s biggest problem?”  It’s safe to say that one or more of the following list would be included in your answer:  the current economic crisis, global poverty, children who go to bed hungry every night, people without health insurance, untreated disease in poor countries, the environment, global warming, our political leaders, violence, murder, and war.  But does this list include the real problem, or merely the symptoms?  Just like when someone is sick, they are experiencing the symptoms and manifestations of the underlying health issue and disease, but may not know the root cause of what made them sick.

What if I told you that the world’s biggest problem is not on the above mentioned list at all…? 

It has to do with one simple thing; and that it is merely a matter of perception – our distorted, illusory human perception and all that builds upon that perception.  The biggest problem facing us is the illusion of separation – the illusion that we perceive anyone and everything in this world as being separate from ourselves. 

My name is Jim, and I am a male who lives in the United States.  Janel is a woman who lives in Paris, France.  We have never met each other in the physical world.  It is presumable that we both perceive ourselves as being separate from each other.  After all, she’s tens of thousands of miles away from me.  She lives over there, and I live over here. My pain is not her pain, and her joy has nothing to do with my joy

However, that is not true.  Janel and I are interconnected – just like the trees, plants, animals, and you are all interconnected.  In fact, the entire universe is connected.   There is no separation. Separation is an illusion.  This is not airy fairy spiritual talk – it is the truth.

Physics now proves that all atoms, molecules, and everything in this universe is interconnected.  What a child does in Siberia right now affects what a businessman is doing in New York.  Before, physics didn’t validate this truth that all is interconnected, which has been taught by great spiritual masters, yogis, and enlightened teachers for centuries.  But now, physics and spirituality agree on this principle that governs the universe.

In addition to physics, we can see everything as interconnected from a spiritual level.  Whether you refer to is as God, infinite intelligence, source, eternal creative principle, or divine love, “it” is one energy.  As everything originates from this source, everything that exists is connected to source.  Therefore, nothing is separate.  How could it be?  We, along with everything else are just extensions and projections of source.

Think of the divine flame that ignites all life, motion, and activity within this vast universe.  It is from within this eternal spark that everything originates.  That fire, which burns eternally, is at the core of everything: humans, animals, plants, atoms, molecules and inanimate objects.  This perpetual flame is the core which illuminates and connects all, like an endless cord that links everything together.  We can even see this connectedness when a child joins the dots of a picture by drawing connected lines.  When the lines are completed and connect all of the dots, that picture is analogous to the connectedness within the universe. 

Since our perception of being separate from everything is inherently illusory and false, what does this all mean on a practical day by day level?  How should it affect our choices and the way we treat each other?

We have all heard the golden rule stated in the Bible:  “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  This is so important, because it defines the core of how we are literally the same as our neighbor.  What we do to another creates energy.  That energy leads to a consequence which we ourselves experience.  It doesn’t matter whether it comes back right now, or much later in physical time.  It all does comes back to us sooner or later.  As it’s clear that for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction, we know that what we do to others is what we do to ourselves.

Most of us probably agree that the golden rule of the Bible is a good sentiment, and to some degree, try to live up to this ideal.  However, if we fall short, we tend to not weigh ourselves down with too much guilt. 

The real reason we let ourselves off the hook so easily is because we see ourselves as separate from the person we hurt.  Even though we might feel somewhat bad for what we’ve done, we think that it is only them who is really suffering.  The bottom line is that we believe that our actions affect them – not us.  In a selfish “survival of the jungle” sort of way, we are still alive, safe, and ok.  Therefore, it is easy to disregard our sins.

If we take it a step further, many spiritual teachings explain that what we do comes back to us.  The law of karma applies to everyone, and sooner or later, all that we do indeed comes back to us.  Therefore, we need to be forever careful of our actions toward others.  What we sow, we shall reap!  This tends to give us pause for concern, but does it really force us to respect our neighbor to the degree that we should? 

Seeing karma clearly can be complicated and hard to measure.  If I steal from you on Monday, it is doubtful that you or someone else will steal from me on Tuesday.  Karma doesn’t usually come back to us right away, as in “instant karma.”  Therefore, our perception of karmic repercussion becomes convoluted.  Besides, we’re still alive, and seem to be ok.  Therefore, it’s still pretty easy to disregard the karmic repercussions we only somewhat fear.

If we look at what we do to others realistically, both scientifically and spiritually, we then begin to perceive what our actions truly do to us.  Since there is no separation between you and I, it isn’t just a matter of what I do to you will someday come back to me, (like the karma police are waiting around the corner and will get me down the road).  Whatever we’re doing to others is actually being done to ourselves in real time. 

If I stab you, I have just stabbed myself.  That is reality – not the illusion that you’re bleeding on the ground, and I have run away from the scene of the crime unscathed.  Since the reality is that we are all connected, for me to stab you, is something I am also doing to myself.  With the actual act comes the fact that something has just occurred.  It is permanently and forever registered in the spiritual planes of reality as a connected act.  It is not a matter of the illusion that we live by in our earthly lives; that we are separate from others.

Just because we don’t see it physically doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.  Since we live in the physical world of complete illusion, what we see with our own two eyes is also illusory.  We only see the world of physical matter, and don’t see beyond into the eternal reality that everything in the universe is joined.   With our physical eyesight, can we see and study the Akashic records, which record every single occurrence that has and will ever happen for eternity?  Do we see when and what our actions toward others does to us?  Can our eyes see how what we’ve done will ultimately affect us?  Of course not.  What we see is false and unreal.  It is based on the illusion of the physical plane, and since this plane is completely illusory, it would make sense that looking at it is the same.  If you look at an illusion, what you see is an illusion.

It’s simple to grasp if you keep in mind that the perception of anything being separate from anything else is false.  Interconnectedness of everything is real.   Think of a mother carrying a baby before the baby is born.  It would be hard to argue that the fetus and the mother are not interconnected.   Family members who live together certainly impact each other’s lives in obvious and dramatic ways.  That shows connectedness.  If a doctor helps someone to be healed, the connection is clear.  Look all around you!  From the trees whose roots keep growing deeper into the ground, connectedness is everywhere.  It’s just a matter of whether we wish to see it or not!

When a father abuses his son, he is abusing himself.  When a corporate executive steal millions of dollars from the shareholders of the company he works for, he is stealing from himself.  If you pick up a gun and blow someone’s head off, you’ve just taken yourself out of this world.  There is no way around that I am you, you are me, and everything is connected. 

Use your body as an analogy.  Do you see your arm as connected to your shoulder?  Of course you do.  So you could say that there are two body parts:  your arm and your shoulder, yet you see them as joined.  Think of two people:  you and your spouse.  What you do affects them, which in turn affects you.  Of course if you upset your spouse, you’ll probably hear about it right away.  In that moment, I’m sure you would realize that what you did affected them, which in turn affected you.  Therefore, the two of you are certainly connected.  Wouldn’t it be wiser for you to see the two of you as interconnected at all times, and not just in times that are dramatic?  This way, loving acts would be offered and received always.

If everyone realized the simple truth that all is connected, people would stop hurting, using, abusing, and killing.  There would be no more poverty, as no one wants to starve.  Greed would be gone, as no one wants to be ripped off and penniless.  The environment would be pure and clean, as who would want to pollute themselves and be a toxic wasteland?  Murder wouldn’t exist, as none of us want to be violently taken out of this world?   War would vanish.  Who would desire to engage in deadly combat with themselves?

Even if we just based our actions on the survival instinct we so strongly carry, we would no longer hurt others, or anything, as we would know that as we hurt others, we are damaging ourselves in real time.

Let us start healing ourselves.  That helps to heal the world.  Remind yourself that all that you do toward others is simply actions that you are doing to yourself – literally.  Ask the question, “Do I like what I’m doing to me?”  Not, do I like what I’m doing to others?  Remember, you’re really doing it to you!  If you always keep that in mind, you won’t do wrong by others, hurt the environment, or harm anything – none of us would. 

Of course, people want to make everything complicated, but the solution is simple.  If the foundation of a building is laid correctly and solidly, all that is built upon it will be solid also.  If we see ourselves as interconnected to everything, the foundation of our actions would be loving and respectful.  This way, in all situations, one and all would be safe, secure, nurtured, and treated with great dignity and respect.  With that truthful awareness, the problems of this world could begin to be healed. 

 If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

Throughout our lives, we’ve not only absorbed the negativity of our environment and all that was around us and programmed into us, we also learned to think and speak in such ways that are negative and harmful to us, creating the very reality that we certainly don’t want. The great spiritual master Catherine Ponder said that if you don’t like your life, take a look at it and realize that you created it. This may sound punitive, but it is not. It is empowering to know that if you created your life as it is now, you can most definitely rebuild and change it for the better!

Often, we seek to transform our lives through the power of affirmations. However, most of us have experienced or known someone who has faithfully affirmed for years; even decades, yet manifested little or no results. Why is this? Because, we often possess internal blocks, barriers, negativity from our environment, as well as our own negative thoughts and words, which have been lodged in the subconscious mind. These “realities” are the exact opposite of what we are trying to affirm, creating a complete war of the wills. Therefore, it is not enough for us to just affirm what we want. That won’t in and of itself get the job done. We must look at what our issues are within, acknowledge those factors honestly and heal them, along with affirming.

The subconscious mind
First, whatever you take in from external sources, as well as what you think and say is forever being recorded, “picked up” and stored by your subconscious mind; 24 hours a day – 365 days a year. So what does our subconscious mind, something most of us view as being quite illusive and mysterious, have to do with how we create our reality and all we manifest?

Simply stated, the subconscious mind “picks up” whatever it receives, meaning anything externally, as well as all you think and say: screaming, daily conversation, your hopes, dreams and fears, negative talk and positive talk, celebration and condemnation, humor, as well as the most causal of seemingly insignificant utterances. It doesn’t matter if what you say is on purpose or not, as our subconscious records everything.

The subconscious mind cannot differentiate between right and wrong. As it is neutral, it doesn’t recognize good as being the opposite of bad, therefore it does not filter out anything at all. It cannot censor you. Even if you don’t directly tell your subconscious mind your requests, it is always listening, and will “pick up” whatever it receives. But it doesn’t just stop there — as in functioning merely as a tape recorder.

Our subconscious mind will also work toward sending out what it receives and stores, and projecting it out into the universe. It is being projected to create and manifest reality. Again, the subconscious mind cannot separate right from wrong. That is why we must dislodge the negativity stored in the subconscious, as the negativity helps to block our affirmations from working, and/or gets sent out along with our affirmations, and contaminates what we positively say.

Our internal blocks and barriers
If we wish to manifest our dreams through affirmations, we need to look at some very critical factors that cannot be avoided. These are our internal blocks and barriers that we carry. I cannot stress how vitally important it is to address and heal these issues; “our stuff,” so to speak, if we want to truly manifest our dreams!

I would like to introduce a man who will be referred to as “P.” Think of his situation like a Mexican standoff: If P is defensive toward intimacy within and fearful of commitment, that is a brick wall within him. That “brick wall” will block the effectiveness of an affirmation designed to bring a new lover into his life. He must work on letting go of his internal walls, and releasing those old negative attachments. That is what will open the pathway to the subconscious mind, which is where our affirmations must reach if we want them to actually work. It would literally be like having completely clogged arteries, which must be opened up if we want the blood flow to get through our bodies.

This is a tricky process. Often, our defenses DON’T want us to heal – that’s right, our fears, ego, and emotions DON’T want us to heal! Why? Because, we are protecting ourselves based on our fears; and fear is about survival. Try talking yourself into choking to death. That’s how your fears – any fears, see it. Trying to overcome the fear is akin to choking to death.

Meaning, P does not really want to let a new lover into his life. Therefore, he is conflicted. His emotions, fears, ego, and defenses are bound and determined to prevent anyone from coming into his life, as it would threaten his survival.

Then, another part of him may say he wants a new lover. That could have duplicity, though. On one hand, he may only be ostensibly saying he wants someone new, when in reality, he does not. Why? To avoid his fears from being detected, because once they are detected, they cannot stay hidden from view and continue to control and protect him. If he claims he wants someone new, then his fear is not able to be looked at honestly. It could be rationalized by P that he simply hasn’t found anyone yet, but is trying. Never forget that defense mechanisms fight tooth and nail to stay alive, as well as disguise themselves in any way they can.

On the other hand, he may legitimately want a new lover, but just does not know how much his fears are in the way. Even if is not a game on his part as mentioned above, these fears will still prevent his affirmations from doing anything for him. So either way, the fears must be looked at, addressed, and healed!

“J” is a woman who definitely wants a new lover, and claims she only wants a nice, positive partner. However, she is emotionally attracted to abusive, cheating, and arrogant men who won’t commit to her, as it is exciting and dangerous. This is what she really likes. Here we see a definite conflict. When she says an affirmation for a new and wonderful lover, her emotional desires will ALSO get sent out with her positive affirmation. It is like preparing a lovely casserole and stirring poison into it before cooking it. What would come out of the oven would be a disaster. It is the same thing with the type of man J will attract – as yes, she is sending out energy, but propelling dangerous mixed signals into the universe, which is what she’ll get back, unless she heals her emotional nature.

Therefore, it is paramount that J works on healing her emotional issues, as she, like all of us cannot stop sending out what we feel inside when we’re affirming. It is like saying that our penthouse is clean, but our basement is filled with toxic waste, and somehow, that will produce a clean home. Both must be cleaned – not just one or the other.

As we see J’s situation, of course it is not self-flattering to her. Therefore, it is likely that she will not admit that this who she really is and what she actually desires. Who wants to say that they are asking the universe to bring them a cocky, cheating, arrogant, non-committal jerk? No one would.

So when J indeed met her new “bad guy,” the rationalization was that he and she have chemistry. She further went on to defend him by saying that no one’s perfect, and that she can’t help who she loves. As the magnetization (that she pretends is positive, too strong and valid to deny) consumes her, she stays in the relationship

However, J, as well as any of us who are in her position must acknowledge what we really feel and want, and look at the darkness within and the choices that build upon that darkness – without judgment, but with self-honesty. Why? Because a million positive affirmations won’t make J’s dreams come true, unless she heals what is self destructive within her in addition to affirming. Here we see that in reality, J is getting what she really wants – what she emotionally wants. She may claim the contrary; how she longs for a healthy relationship, but it’s not true.

In addition to the powder keg of J’s situation, we should also avoid affirmations that push our hot buttons and attack our defenses. If “S” hates her ex husband “M’s” guts, it would be hard for her to affirm: “I love M unconditionally and appreciate all he has ever done to me!” (Of course, she needs to eventually reach that point in her spiritual development to be at peace, but she might not be ready yet.)

So here is an alternative: “I now release my former relationship with M to its highest peace and highest good!” We must try to not engage our defense mechanisms when affirming, as they will fight back, and make the affirmation ineffective. It is always better to not collide with our defenses if at all possible, to allow the affirmation to have a more open pathway to the subconscious. At the same time, we must keep working on healing our defenses and what created them in the first place.

We should also try and stay away from words and phrases that we can’t wrap our minds around, such as statements that are too big for us to believe. If “C” can’t conceive of being a multi millionaire yet, she shouldn’t affirm that she is one. Because she can’t conceive of this as a true statement, she would be better to say: “I now receive wonderful financial blessings today!” Since she can’t grasp the concept of being a multi millionaire at this time, she is leaving the dollar amount to infinite intelligence, which is fine. Once she is able to conceive of being a multi millionaire, then she could affirm that reality directly.

Letting go of the internal blocks, our barriers within, and healing our deepest and darkest issues allows us to dislodge the negativity that has been present in our subconscious minds, which is necessary and essential. Beyond that, we need to take a clear look at our words, get rid of the negative, and clean up our vocabulary, so to speak.

Our words
Whether you realize it or not, right now, at this very moment, you are helping to create your reality by all you say – literally by every single word that comes out of your mouth. What we say can cause us to be a beacon of health and well-being, win 200 million dollars in the lottery, and manifest a career of dreams; or on the other hand, our words can create catastrophic illness, debilitating backbreaking poverty, and complete frustration in our jobs.

In reading this, you might ask yourself, “How do the words I say in my normal daily life actually create reality, as in my health, wealth, and success? Don’t words just come and go?” As we have established the unbridled force of the subconscious and that it is power without direction, we now need to look at how our words are a part of how and what we manifest:

1-Words are energy; powerful energy. This includes the actual meaning of the words, and the emotional/vibrational intensity behind them that comes from within us.

2-Once voiced, that energy is sent out to the entire universe. (It doesn’t matter whether the words we say are positive, neutral, or negative, as the subconscious does not filter or censor the meaning of what we say.)

3-Our words begin to register an impression in the spiritual planes, as indicated by what we’ve said, the energy behind what we’ve stated from within us, and the force of our subconscious minds. (This process can be referred to as “carving out reality.”)

4-The degree of how powerfully our words are registered has to do with severable variables:

A-The degree of how much emotional/vibrational power is behind our words.
B-The amount of times we state something, as the more we say anything, the stronger it gets registered.
C-The degree of how much we believe in what we say, or not.

5-As impressions are registered in the spiritual planes based on points 1-4 above, those impressions create actual “reality.” Finally, “reality” as we know it reaches us in the physical world, and is manifested in our daily lives.

Think of it like being a painter: The painter starts out with a blank canvas. This can be thought of as the infinite and open-ended possibilities of our words.

The choice of colors, brush strokes, and designs by the artist create a picture. Our words do the same thing: They absolutely shape and create what we manifest in our lives.

When the painter has completed his or her picture, it is the result of many artistic choices. This is the same thing that happens with our lives, as what we create is the end result of our many words, combination of words, and the emotional/vibrational power behind all we’ve said.

In realizing just how much our words create reality, it should cause us to stop and think of just how important it is for us to watch every single word that comes out of our mouths! This is why it is so important to be aware of what you say all of the time. It is our job to make sure that everything that we say is for the highest good of us as well as others.

Negative words must go
Most of us think of our negative words as casual utterances or a way of venting what we feel, and only relevant to the passing moment in which they are said. If we speak of being broke, we’re just expressing what we’re going through. After all, shouldn’t we able to talk about what’s happening in our lives?

Saying we hate someone is merely thought of as “letting it all out,” because that person did something bad to us. Their actions made us angry, and therefore, we have the absolute right to verbalize how we feel. “What’s the big deal,” one might ask? “I only said that I don’t like them.”

Complaining about our health problems day in and day out is believed to be just a way of sharing with others the trials and tribulations of our life. After all, the pain and suffering is all consuming to us when we don’t feel good.

So we just keep on talking, and don’t really stop and think that our words do far more than merely come out of our mouths, and then simply scatter to the four winds. Whether positive, neutral, or negative, what we say forever changes destiny. Our words create, carve out, and design the very reality we live in: day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute, and even lifetime after lifetime!

We cannot always control our feelings or our thoughts, but we CAN control our words. So our first step is to stop voicing the negative. Keep in mind that whether viciously shouted, or said in passing, all that we negatively say will dramatically affect our lives, the lives of the others, and the entire world for the worse.

Of course we won’t completely stop voicing negative words overnight, but through time, we can weed out the words that don’t serve a higher purpose any longer. We start this process by making the commitment to no longer saying the things that harm ourselves and others.

Top 10 things to never say
Here is a short “Top 10” list of some things that we should never say:

1-We should never voice hatred, resentment, or viciousness about anyone or anything.

2-We should never affirm that we are broke, or don’t have money.

3-We should never refer to ourselves as being sick or unhealthy.

4-We should never verbally wish anything bad upon anyone.

5-We should never judge, criticize, or condemn others, (regardless of what they may have done).

6-We should never speak badly of, judge, criticize, or condemn ourselves.

7-We should never refer to others or ourselves as being unimportant or worthless.

8-We should never refer to our own or another’s physical appearance or any aspect of the body as being ugly.

9-We should never yell, scream, or verbally attack anyone.

10-We should never say that our lives won’t work out for the best.

In addition to this “Top 10” list, the biggest problem most of us usually have is speaking when we’re angry. There is such a tremendous energetic force behind explosive words, that its effect can be immediately life altering. There have been people that were so furious as they were screaming, that they immediately went into cardiac arrest, or had a stroke right on the spot. So it is of utmost importance to not say negative things when we’re mad.

If you’re angry at a person, shout this out (and fill in the blank with the person’s name): “I now release_____________to his/her highest good!”  Say it over and over again if you have to. It will only help, as you’re transforming your anger into sending the person you’re mad at to their highest good. It would be like nose diving a plane into the ground, and suddenly pointing it right back into the sky and a safe flight.

If you’re angry over a situation, scream the following (and fill in the blank with the situation you’re upset over. Let’s say if it’s your job that’s troubling you, insert “my job” in the blank space): “I now cast the burden of________________to divine love!”  By releasing the burden to divine love, there are no more problems. Divine love can take care of it for you!

The reason I kept these first affirmations in this writing so short, is that most of us can hardly think or see straight when we are furious. This way, even when we’re volatile, we can use these easy to remember statements, and they will absolutely help us as well as others.

Words and phrases to watch out for
Here are some key words and phrases that we must watch out for, as they will work against your ability to affirm your way to health, wealth, and success:

1-“But” – The reason the word “but” is problematic, is because it negates whatever was stated that came before it. So whatever you declare in the first part of an affirmation, becomes null and void through the word “but.” For example: “I meet a new and wonderful lover, but it comes to me when the time is right.” Even though this statement might be one that we’ve heard people say, it is not effective as an affirmation, as the words “I meet a new and wonderful lover,” (which is the purpose of this statement), get negated by the word “but.”

2-“Will” – The word “will” immediately puts the affirmation in the future, which does little or nothing to make our requests happen. If one said, “I will be rich and successful,” they have done virtually nothing to achieve that goal with this affirmation. Affirming in the future does not help us reach our goals, as we must always affirm everything in the present tense, where we can manifest our dreams. Other similar words and phrases to watch out for are: “Someday,” “Down the Road,” “Later down the road,” “In the future,” and “At some point in time.”

3-“Maybe,” “Perhaps,” “Possibly,” and “We’ll see” – These words do not indicate anything definite, and because of their wishy-washy nature, don’t work well in the context of an affirmative. Here is an example: “I am perhaps going to purchase a wonderful new home today.” Here we see how the word “perhaps” proves to be ineffective. Of course these words and phrases have their place in the English language, but are not effective when trying to manifest through our spoken word.

4-“If” – Usually the word “if” is not helpful in affirmations, as it is a word that is contingent on something else other than what is stated in the affirmative happening. However, there are times when “if” is useful. When we don’t know what to do, and are not sure what to ask for in our lives or a given situation, the word “if” can be of help spiritually. For example: If a woman didn’t know if she was supposed to reunite with her husband or not, the following affirmation could apply: “If it is for the highest good for me to reunite with my husband, he comes back into my life today, under grace.”

“Under grace” is a phrase that means “a gift from God,” which is based on God’s unconditional and perfect love for us. These gifts are not earned, or worked for by us. This is most important, then, as many of us feel unworthy of receiving blessings, often based on negative reinforcement, which has been picked up and stored by our subconscious mind. Saying “under grace” helps us to transcend our feelings of low self worth, and allow our miracles to come to us.

5-“Should of,” “Could of,” “Would of,” – These phrases represent regret and a sense of non acceptance for our actions and choices. Therefore, it would be unlikely for these phrases to be of any help when affirming.

6- Negating or Denying – The use of “negative” words such as “don’t,” “can’t,” “won’t,” “never,” “not,” and “doesn’t,” are not often used in affirmations. Sometimes though, they can be of use, but it is tricky as to when and how the concept of using words, which negate and deny something are helpful.

If we negate or deny something, we must immediately follow it with a positive affirmative. For example: “I am not poor, as financial abundance now reaches me under grace!” Here we see that we are following a denial with an affirmative.

To only say “I am not poor,” would be a disaster. Why? Because the subconscious mind is unable to conceive of not doing something; it is only capable of doing something. It is like having a car that can only go forward, but not backward. So the subconscious might pick up this statement and not process the “no” in it at all, but instead, register it as: “I am poor,” which would produce the exact opposite results of what we want!

Therefore, as we’re looking at the many variables and complexities in our choice of words, we must remove all negativity from our vocabulary and incorrect ways of speaking, if our sincere attempt is to use our affirmations to manifest the positive life we divinely deserve.

We can now let go of the internal blocks, our barriers within, healing our deepest and darkest issues, stopping all of the negative talk, as well as learning what to do and what not to do. Therefore, we clear a most profound pathway – a highway to eternity, the road which allows us direct access to our subconscious minds – where we possess enough power to transform the world. This allows the true magic of our positive affirmations to work for us.

The power of affirmations and how they work
It would be easy to start thinking back on all of the negative things you may have said, and begin to ask yourself: “Haven’t I really said a lot of bad things before? Oh my God, how can I really begin to make my words work for me now?” First off, all of us have said the wrong thing, so don’t feel guilty! Remember, as words can destroy, they can also heal. Now we will see exactly how our words can not only heal, but bring us miracles.

An affirmation is a verbal declaration, and a confirmation of reality. It is the manifestation we wish to bring to us, and our spoken word propels our verbal requests into motion! Like a rocket ship racing to the moon, our affirmations travel beyond space and time, and come back to us, right in front of our very eyes. As we now know what to do and what not to do, our affirmations can indeed work for us.

In reality, there is no future or past, except within the illusion of time in the physical plane. Since time doesn’t really exist at all, there is only now – the wondrous, glorious, eternal now. So when affirming, we must always state our requests in the present tense; in the here and now. Doesn’t it make perfect sense? If we’re declaring our words into the spiritual realms where there is only now, we would have to state our demands in the present tense to manifest our divine desires.

So saying an affirmation in the future does little or nothing to make it happen. For example, saying: “I will be healthy” is a waste of breath. By stating our request in the future, we step outside of “now” and reality, and into a nonexistent future. Therefore, we come up empty handed. What we need to affirm is: “I am healthy.” By affirming our demand in the present tense, we help to make it come into being.

An affirmation needs to “cover the ground,” and must absolutely be a complete statement. A woman once said to me, “Jim, I just want a man who is really going to be in love with me.” I asked her, “Is that all you’re asking for? Do you realize that you really won’t get what you want?”

Let’s analyze why this statement was self defeating. First, what did she ask for? She simply and only asked for a man who would be in love with her. That was her sole petition to infinite intelligence. What if a man came into the picture who was indeed in love with her as she asked for, yet she wasn’t attracted to him at all? What if that man was an abusive alcoholic? Since her affirmation didn’t “cover the ground,” it leaves a million doors open to allow the WRONG man to enter her life – yet someone who would be in love with her.

Here would be a good affirmation for this woman:
“I now meet my perfect, divine romantic life partner who is in love with me!”

Here, let’s analyze this affirmation: It covers time but stating the phrase: “I now meet.” That means that this meeting occurs in the present tense. We only want to affirm in the here and now to be able to bring our blessings to us.

It covers everything that he should be to her by referring to him as: “my perfect, divine romantic life partner.”

“Perfect” means that he is absolutely the right man for her in every way. One could never make a list long enough to represent all of the qualities any of us would need in a partner. (I’ve actually known people who have tried to map out the list of everything they want in a mate, and some of these lists were anywhere from 10 to 100 pages long!) So the word “perfect” covers everything.

“Divine” means that he is sent from a higher spiritual energy. This means that he’ll bring out her higher self, and vice versa. In short, he is sent from the vibration of the highest possibility and greatest good!

“Romantic” means that this won’t just be a friend, but a lover. Romance is of course better than just sex in a relationship, so the word “romantic” represents a lover who comes with the right energy; one that is beautiful.

“Life partner,” indicates that this would be a permanent union, and not merely temporary.

Finally, it also declares that he will be in love with her by stating: “who is in love with me.”

So as we see, every single word of an affirmation must be chosen specifically and correctly, as to be a complete request in every way; leaving no stone unturned. Remember the universe will tend to grant our requests quite literally, so we need to make sure that what we’re asking for is really and completely what we truly want!

NOTE: In addition to being said out loud, an affirmation can be written, or spoken silently within your own mind. Whether, said aloud, written, or spoken silently within, there must be no external noise distractions around you when affirming, such as television, radio, or people talking. Why? Because those things could get sent out along with your affirmation, which would be like multiple people all talking at the same time. Will the message and request sent out be singular and clear? Of course not!

If you’re affirming in your car without the radio on and your windows are rolled up, that is OK. The same would apply to affirming in the shower, as that noise is not content based.

A cautionary note
First, I would not recommend that you try and design affirmations yourself, unless you’re going to study this process extensively, as to not create affirmations that are wrong, incomplete, or harmful. Florence Shinn was pivotal in her design of affirmations, and her book of her complete writings is still available, and you can click here to purchase this classic book. This book of her complete writings is reasonably priced, and has many truly great affirmations that you can use safely and effectively.

Also, I’ve been designing affirmations for over thirty years. I have found that what is most effective for me and my clients is to come up with an affirmation while offering a reading, as I am in your energies directly. Since I’ve done it for so long, I can create an affirmation for you instantly, and then say it right back to you. Even though I would always offer valid affirmations, they also need to feel right to you. Often, the changing of words or phrases makes all of the difference in the world. Since I use my clairvoyance to feel what words will click with you, while still adhering to the correct principals of affirmations, I can choose the words that will be most effective all the way around. I can send it to you right on the spot, and it’s yours, at no extra charge. That is my gift to you!

The gift of affirmations
Think of your words and affirmations as your magic wand, a tool for transformation, and your ability to literally change the world. In addition to all of the tools in this writing which are essential, you must believe in what you say! It is imperative that we have perfect belief and faith in everything we affirm. Florence Shinn said that if we had perfect faith, we would only need to say an affirmation one time! Therefore, our work is not only learning to affirm correctly, but having the unshakable faith that moves mountains – and yes, every one of us can do it! Furthermore, we must do it if we want our affirmations to work for us.

Speaking your way to health, wealth, and success, is one of the most effective ways to heal your life. We must mean every single word from the core of our being when affirming – and not question the results…We already know the outcome.

If your name is Joe, and someone asked you what your name was, you would simply say, “Joe.” Imagine if that person challenged you and said, “Your name isn’t Joe.” What would you do? You would chuckle, walk away, and forget this was even said to you! That is perfect faith! Faith is not crying on your knees and begging! Faith and perfect belief are matter of fact! Does the sun rise in the morning? Are my affirmations going to manifest? Both questions must have the same answer! YES!!!!!

It is with this faith that the gift of affirmations becomes not just window shopping, but you receiving the gift of the entire store – as everything that is yours by divine right can now reach you today — this very day, under grace. That is what makes this a world of magic, wonder, and eternal blessings — all released through the atomic and endless power of your spoken word!

Here is an affirmation I designed for you to achieve this very dream:
“I now receive every blessing that is mine by divine right. My health, wealth and success are already established facts in divine mind and reach me today in perfect ways. As all of the blessings I deserve come to me right here, right now, under grace, I am eternally thankful for the wondrous and eternal gifts I always receive. Today is the day where miracle after miracle occurs in every area of my life!”

May the eternal love, light, blessings, and miracles you so rightfully deserve now be yours — Jim

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

Here’s a nice, short (350 words) helpful blog entry on How to Be Mindful During the Holidays.

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

Most people used to think of our health as something that could be identified solely by two things: our genetic family history, and in addition, our lifestyle choices such as diet, smoking, whether we exercise or not, being overweight, along with consumption of alcohol and drugs.

Besides genetics and lifestyle choices, illness was also thought of as something that just randomly happened – like the roll of the dice, or the luck of the draw.  Some people just ended up sick, while others didn’t.  One person who never smoked a cigarette in their life could become diagnosed with lung cancer, while someone else who smoked two packs a day might never get the dreaded disease many refer to as “The Big C.”

In recent decades, the awareness has come into the medical community that illness may not be totally based on genetics, lifestyle choices, and/or at random – and that there are some other causes that can be verified.  Even conventional doctors acknowledge that stress can play a large part in our health, especially for prolonged periods of time.   With the fast pace of living we are all under now, many of us experience sleep deprivation, which can also create serious health problems and life threatening accidents.

For many of us, stress, a fast paced life and sleep deprivation being identified as factors that affect our health may seem as obvious as the sun rising in the morning, but to doctors who would think otherwise, this was quite a revelation.  After all, can science clearly and precisely determine just how much these issues affect our health?  There are those who live under tremendous stresses and still remain healthy, while others who have relatively stress free lives experience dire illnesses.

To complicate matters even further, the industrialization of our society causes many people to have serious illnesses due to environmental hazards, such as toxic waste dumps which contaminate the water we drink, the air we breathe, and our food supply.  Besides entire species being threatened of extinction, we now hear of communities of people who have been stricken ill, with some even dying, because of nearby health hazards due to industrialization.

Besides industrialization, some feel that our health is simply a matter of God’s will, and our “destiny,” which we have no control over either way.

There are also spiritual masters who teach that certain illnesses we manifest in our bodies were spiritually agreed to by us before we came into a given lifetime, for the purpose of learning lessons and/or burning negative karma.

But on top of all of the factors mentioned above, many who are spiritually minded have come to believe in recent decades that illness is something we as individuals do create for ourselves.  It is now perceived that we have a lot to do with whether we’re sick or healthy – not just for the obvious reasons of genetics, lifestyle choices, stress, and even the environment, but due to the mind, body, and spirit connection we possess.  Now a mainstream concept within our culture, the idea that we create our own illnesses has been something that great spiritual masters have taught for decades – even centuries.

All of the above mentioned factors pose the question of just how much of our illnesses are self created, while what part of our health, if any, is simply beyond our control?  As the old mainstay of “without your health, you have nothing” rings so true, I will attempt to probe all of these questions step by step in this writing with the purpose of all of us having and manifesting the best possible health and well being.

Which came first – the chicken or the egg…?  Karma and genetics 

It would seem logical that if both of our parents and/or other family members had heart disease, so would we at some point in our lives.  After all, it is in our genetic profile.  This would presume that genetics help to dictate our health, propensity to certain diseases, and even our longevity of life.  So with this mindset, genetics come first, (meaning they are the cause) and our health is the effect.

From a spiritual perspective though, it is the exact opposite as it pertains to our health lessons, issues and karma.  While we are still on the other side before incarnating, we choose our parents and family depending on what it is that our health lessons and karma are to be.  The reasons we choose our parents and family (from a health perspective) are multi-faceted:

1 – If we are spiritually agree (before incarnating into a given physical lifetime) to have certain health issues, we choose parents and family who also have the same health issues.  From a spiritual perspective, this is the rarest of options – one that says we are predestined to have the same health issues and problems that have been present in our family history.  There is no way of statistically verifying this, but my sense throughout all of my spiritual work is that only a very small percentage of health issues we manifest fall into this category of being predestined, and verifiable through family genetics.

2- We may choose parents with a health issue to break the pattern and NOT manifest the illnesses they have.  In this instance, the spiritual agreement is to NOT carry the genetic pattern any further.  If one or both parents had cancer, the agreement is for us to be cancer free.  Here we are setting up a life where we are compelled spiritually to end a pattern that needs to stop, and that is our role.  This option occurs more often than option 1 listed above, but is less prevalent than option 3, which is indicated directly below.

3- What feels to me to be the most likely possibility regarding our health as related to our genetics is that it is optional and choice driven.  I heard a doctor on CNN state it this way:  “Our genetics are the gun, but we either pull the trigger or not.”  In this instance, we have the ultimate choice as to manifest good health, or to carry on the pattern of our parent’s health problems. 

That “pulling the trigger” can be quite literal, as in becoming a drug addict when our father was one.  It can also be internal.  The fear of getting sick in the way mom or dad did can be a terrifying and haunting reality within us.   As we get close to the age that mom had a stroke, we fear that we too will have one.  That helps to “pull the trigger” as well.  As we create what we fear, we must realize that being in a positive frame of mind, and NOT identifying with, or being scared of our family’s health issues helps us to be healthy.

In addition to the choices we make once we are in a physical lifetime, the end result is always preceded by the spiritual agreements we set up before coming in this incarnation.  The good news is that in most or almost all instances, we do have a choice as to whether to repeat a family health issue or not and that we are not just a mirror of our genetics.  This way, out health is largely in our hands.

What did you just put in your mouth? – What we ingest and lifestyle choices

It may sound crude to ask someone, “Hey, what did you just put in your mouth?”  But the old cliche of “You are what you eat” could be expanded to say: “You are all you put in your mouth and how you live?”  This statement includes everything ingested in addition to food, including alcohol, drugs, as well as the type of lifestyle we engage in.

Of course all of us now know that fatty and processed foods are bad for us, along with smoking, alcohol and drugs.  And yes, we should exercise and not get overweight as these are all serious contributors to our health, regardless of all of the other factors covered in this writing.

But perhaps, there is a more profound reality to these choices.  What we take in our bodies and how we live truly shows what we think of ourselves, how we view our bodies, and the value we feel we have or don’t have of.

If someone said, “I’m a heroin addict, but I really like myself,” what would we think of such a claim?  Or how about, “I’m eating greasy cheeseburgers everyday but I do value my body.”  Stated in this fashion, these statements sound utterly absurd.

They certainly back up the title of one of my recent newsletters:  “Actions Speak Louder Than Words — A Spiritual Perspective,” as our actions say more about us spiritually than anything we could ever say.

We must first make the adjustments necessary regarding what we take in along with lifestyle changes.  Then, we must get to the bottom of the emotional and psychological reasons as to why we did the things we did.  We overate because we were emotionally frustrated and food provided a comfort – a false comfort.  We need to come to terms with what motivated us to overeat, and heal that pain in addition to redefining our eating habits.  We drank because we wanted to numb our inner pain, and escape what we felt.  Stopping drinking is the beginning, not the end of our sobriety.  We must work through and uncover all of the reasons within us as to why we drank.

Then, we not only alleviate the symptoms, but we get to the root cause of why, and with answering and healing the most profound question of “why,” we help to transform our health for the better!

Hey, it just happened… – The random affect

For those of us who don’t acknowledge the reality that for every effect, there is a cause, we can perceive that stuff just happens regarding our health in seemingly random ways.  “Statistically, there’s a certain number of people that get a disease, and you’re just one of them,” is a statement to back up such a mind set.

Some people get stricken with life threatening illnesses, and have no idea why.  The fear, terror, and the perplexity of why this happened can rivet people’s sense of well being and even their belief systems down to their core.

But spiritually, there is always a cause behind an effect – and usually, it is us who is the cause regarding our health.  If we look at it from the most obvious perspective, it sounds completely realistic: 

• You eat more, therefore, you gain weight, and your health suffers.
• If you’re overweight, you eat less, lose weight, and improve your health.
• You exercise, and probably live a longer and healthier life.

 Here, we’re seeing causality in the most obvious of ways.  But what about the causality that comes from within?  How do we feel about our bodies?  Do we like what we see when we look at ourselves naked in the mirror?  If we do, we’ve improved out health.  Why?  Because thought is energy, and if you like what you see in the mirror, the thought of “I am ok” is generated to your body.  And liking your body helps to improve your health as your body absorbs the positive messages being sent to it. 

If we say, “I’m so ugly and hideous,” when we look at ourselves, we’ve helped to lead ourselves to illness.  Saying such a statement is the cause, which creates energy that says, “My body is no good.”  And of course, your body will pick up this energy, and if reinforced long enough, carry out the energy of the original cause, which is to make the body ugly and hideous. 

It is so important to always find what you DO like about your body and celebrate it – and never refer to your body as ugly, unattractive, or undesirable.

Remember, each of our bodies are created by the divine architect, who creates everything perfect in divine image!   By knowing this and identifying with this reality, you help to increase the likelihood of long lasting health!

This is killing me! – The stress factor

“I’m late for work – I don’t have time for lunch – I’m late picking up the kids – I can’t sleep because I’m worried about my presentation at work tomorrow – I’m stuck in rush hour traffic and can’t get home to cook dinner,” are statements that we all say or hear.

“Oh my God – you mean I feel asleep at the wheel, and that’s what caused the car accident.  Did I hurt anyone else,” a man waking up in the hospital asks in bewilderment?

All of these statements unfortunately probably sound all too familiar, as most of us experience one or most these realties every day.

Welcome to the modern world, where the stress and demands of a fast paced life make us sick, injured, and even kill people every day!

As I mentioned earlier in this writing, even doctors acknowledge that stress plays a factor in our health:  High blood pressure, headaches, nervous tension, shallow breathing, panic, anxiety, all weigh heavily on the body and bring our health dramatically down,  Remember, we weren’t originally made to live this way on a daily basis. Yes, most of us can handle brief periods of stress – but not day in, day out, for years and even decades.

One could say, “But I can’t control this.  This is the way life is.  What can I do as I have bills to pay?”

A deeper question needs to be asked.  What is the bottom line here – Are you willing to sacrifice your health for a deadline at work – drive when you’re not alert and rested and potentially fall asleep at the wheel?

Here are three points worth considering:

1-Cast the burden of stress daily to infinite intelligence and divine love!  Here is an affirmation: “I now let go and release all stresses today to divine love and now go free to be relaxed, balance, and forever healthy!”  This will certainly help to dissipate and release stress from within.  Also, try to just let go and let God, literally.  There may always be things that may stress us out, but by mastering the concept of giving up the burden to a higher power, we lift a ton of weight off of ourselves, and let the highest good manifest in our lives!  Each issue becomes less important, as we are travelling through this world lighthearted, free and unattached.  This will improve our health immeasurably!

2- Modify the stress the best you can, and when necessary, be willing to make tough choices.  Sure, it would be great to never have to sleep, as we would get more done.  However, nature didn’t create us that way.  Our bodies can handle the occasional night with short sleep, but when we start making a pattern of it, then it is bad.

If you miss an event, or didn’t get to work overtime and make more money, oh well, so be it!  At the end of the day, your health shouldn’t be compromised.

3-It is not worth sacrificing your body, the only body you have, all for the sake of stress, achievement, and a fast pace lifestyle!  You can always find another job – money can be made.  You can always redirect your day to day activities!  Always know your bottom line, and put your health first, no matter what, as you only have one body, and without that one healthy body, you have nothing!

Why am I coughing when I step outside? – Industrialization

Since industrialization has been around before any of us were born, we may just sort of assume that this is the way it has always been.  However, there was a time when there were no automobiles, trains, planes, and deadly smoke billowing out of factories around the clock.  We once lived in a world where species and life forms were not on the verge of being wiped off the face of the earth.  Since industrialization is a fact of life, we all have to deal with its effects, but here are some points worth considering to maintain your health in the midst of our modern world;

1-We all need to try and do whatever we can to change the world to become friendly to humans, the environment and all forms of life.  This may seem like a tall order, but a great long range goal!  Anything you do moves the world at large in the right direction.

2-Make sure the tap water in your area is suitable to drink.  If not, drink purified water, which will help to keep your system healthy and cleansed.

Try to live in an area that has healthy air to breathe, and if you can’t, use air purifiers in your home to improve the air quality in your immediate environment.

Educate yourself regarding the food you eat.  Learn to read labels, and stay away from food that is processed.  Buy organic and natural if you can, and grown your own food if at all possible.

Make sure to give praise and thanksgiving for everything you eat, and affirm that all you take in digests perfectly in your system, and brings you complete health and well being,

3-Affirm that you are in a state of harmony with the environment and the outer world.  By doing so, you are more likely to improve your health, as being in a “state if harmony” with the world is always good for our bodies. 

In addition to having the best possible water, air, food, and living in the healthiest environment possible, make sure to be respectful and reverent of nature and all that is present on earth.  Be good to the world around you and the world will be good to you!  Even in the midst of an industrialized society, respect and reverence for the world and life will help to bring that same energy and reality back to you, providing a cornerstone to build your health on! 

Am I meant to be sick? – God’s will and karma 

It is God’s will that I get sick?  Is illness meant to be?  Do I have a choice as to be healthy or not?  Are my health problems predestined?

These are all questions any of us might ask if and when we get sick; the eternal “Why did this happen to me?”

As it pertains to sickness, it is quite rare that we actually agree (on the other side before being physically born) to have a certain illness at a specific time in an earthly lifetime.  In all of my spiritual work, I would estimate that less than 5% of all illnesses are predestined.

If that is correct, then when, why, and how would being sick be predestined?

If we have certain spiritual and/or karmic lessons that tie into being sick or ill in a certain way, then we would sign a contract (on the other side in our spiritual bodies before being born) to manifest an illness in a specific time and way in our coming physical lifetime.  With this type of contract, one could call it God’s will, or “destiny”, as our higher self agrees to take on this lesson.  If we agree to it in our spiritual contract, we will not be able to get out of it once we’re in the human form.

Let me give you an example of someone I believe had a spiritual contract to have a certain illness at a specific time.  There is no way of proving this, but I will share with you what I saw.

I had a female friend who I met when I was a teenager.  She had sex appeal, charisma, good looks, a huge ego, and was attached to all of her feminine attributes, including ”the millions dollar hole,” a nickname for her pussy.  In fact, she was a model for a time. Her human attachment to these things caused her to be manipulative, arrogant, and egotistical.

When she was in her early to mid thirties, she developed breast cancer.  She ultimately lost both of her breasts and her hair.  In addition, her body became quite distorted through the tough medical treatments that accompany battling cancer.  She fought the disease for 9-10 years, and then transitioned into spirit.

I felt that she had set up her earthly life (before incarnating) with all of the feminine attributes mentioned above, along with a strong attachment to such things.  Her lesson was to be stripped of all that she was attached to.  Why?  So that she could become unattached and humbled, for her growth on a soul level.  Even though she didn’t process this lesson in her personality before leaving this world, she experienced it, which was the objective of her soul. 

The good news is that it is so seldom that we spiritually agree to manifest a certain illness as my friend may have, and that we are largely in control as to whether we’re sick or not.  With that awareness, the question needs to be posed, “Then why do so many people get sick?”  Besides the choices that directly affect our heath such as what we ingest, our environment, lifestyle, and stress, that answer is a little three letter word.

Sickness and sin; two peas in a pod – How we create our illnesses

“The germ of its own defeat is present in every negative thought, word and deed we engage in.  It literally makes us physically ill.”  Spirit just gave me this message as I was writing, and it belies a very simple and truthful reality:  “Sickness is sin.”  Meaning, whenever we sin, we help to make ourselves sick.  It doesn’t matter whether we hurt others, and/or ourselves.  Our body pays the penalty, and the more we sin, the sicker we get.

In this context, “sin” is much broader than in Biblical terms, which is based on the Ten Commandments.  Anything that is contrary and goes against the reality of divine love can be considered a sin.  For example:  If we believe that we’re born with the birthright of prosperity, keeping ourselves in poverty is a sin.

Keep in mind that this little three letter word comes from a Latin word which means an act of suicide.  It’s easy to grasp if you think that sin creates a negative energy, and since all we think, do and say comes back to us, our body houses our repercussions and becomes ill when and as we sin.

1-What you think can make you sick

The Dalai Lama says that “To think of killing someone is the exact same thing as killing them.”  The point that he’s making is that thought is reality, and that what we think is tangible and real; not just internalized and hidden from the world.

 What do we think of ourselves?  If we think that we’re not good enough, unattractive, never going to be a success, unworthy of money, and a loser, these thoughts are sinful.  Why?  Because they are contrary to God’s divine image of us, which is one of magnificent perfection!  These thoughts will not only help to manifest their reality, they will make you sick.  Why?  Because thought is energy, and the energy behind all of these thoughts is negative toward you.  That continued negativity wears down the body, its defenses and creates illness within us.

I had a client who though her body was ugly for decades.  She mentally focused and obsessed on the areas of her body which she felt were unattractive. She held these sinful thoughts for so long about herself, that eventually, her body started manifesting serious negative health conditions that were visible to anyone seeing her. Even though she didn’t think badly of others, her sinful thoughts toward herself did harm her body.

Thinking badly of others will make you sick.  The old phrase of,”I am my brother’s keeper” (in thought) rings true here.  It’s not enough to refrain from physically hurting someone or avoiding an attempt to ruin their reputation.  We need to really just listen to our thoughts, and see them for what they are.  If we think negatively of someone, work toward replacing that thought with something positive about that person.  Or at the very least, bless them and let them go.  Right there, you’ve legitimately improved your overall health. 

Harboring resentment and jealousy of others helps to tear down our cells.  Holding onto feelings of hatred based on prejudice on any level attacks our bodies.  Whether based on race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, appearance, or any prejudgment, we must do our best to not hold on to any part of it, even if just for the sake of our bodies.

Thought is the origin from which we build our reality, and thinking badly of others, helps to cripple the physical foundation of our bodies.  Try to raise your thoughts to a higher level regarding those you don’t like.  You might say, “I can’t because I don’t like them.”  That’s precisely why we need to mentally perfect ourselves on those who we think badly of, because it will improve our health immeasurably.

2-Your words can make you gravely ill

“Life and death are in the power of the tongue,” states the Bible.  Perhaps, no truer words have ever been spoken.  When you listen to people talk all day long, it’s a miracle that they’re still ok by the end of the day.  Favorite topics include: Death, tragedy, accidents, murder, sickness, poverty, gossip, criticizing and hating others, and the theme that “Life really sucks!”  With the atomic power of words, this voicing of negativity comes back to us and affects our bodies.  If you think that a person may say 25 negative statements per day for 10 years, that’s literally 91,250 negative thoughts, or the equivalent of 91,250 drops of poison in their body over a ten year period.

We sometimes believe that if we speak badly of someone we don’t know, it’s no big deal.  “I hate his guts, and don’t want him to become President,” an angry man says of a political candidate!  “She’s an out of control monster.  I can’t wait for her to get hers,” a woman rants about a reckless celebrity!

Most people think that they’re just harmlessly venting.  However, it is the exact opposite, especially if we care to be physically healthy. These hateful words come back to roost, right inside of our bodies!

Wishing bad upon others is a surefire recipe for a health crisis.  Most of us wish badly upon those who have hurt us, so yes, we are not crazy.  We didn’t just make it all up — something really did happen.

“I wish that everything she did to me comes back to her,” a woman says of her former friend who stole her boyfriend away.  But what we wish upon them will come back to us.  It is not as if that we are exempt from the repercussions of our negative wishes because we have been victimized.  The law of the universe is quite clear: We need to wish well upon everyone, especially those who have hurt us!   Think of it this way:  If we wish bad upon someone who has hurt us, we get hurt twice:  Once from what they originally did to us, and again when the bad we wished upon them harms our health.

Constant criticism of others tears down our vitality and brings disease to us.  “Look at her.  She’s fat, ugly, and disgusting.  No one would want her,” a woman says of her co worker.

Probably the worst example of our words making us sick is when we’re angry.  “I hate the SOB, as he keeps hurting me, and he’ll never stop.  I wish he would die,” a young man says of his mean father!

“My life is horrible and it will never get any better.  I give up trying, and f*&^ everything and everyone,” a woman shrieks!

With the power of such anger propelling these words, it is like guzzling a can of Drano. In these moments, we need to step back and ask ourselves, “What did I just say?”  Sure, we feel momentarily better for getting it all out, as we vented, but it is the same thing as having a bad temper and punching someone.

Our cornerstone to redirect what we say, which will heal our bodies, is to use our words for only three purposes:  To heal, proper, and bless!  With our new vocabulary, our health will continue to benefit every day.

3-Shut down and your health shuts down too

So many of us as adults have learned to shut down as way of surviving – by not feeling and shutting down our emotional pain.  Therefore, we suppress (consciously) and repress (unconsciously) our emotions, which in time can make us gravely ill.  Think of it like a damn (our body) and the water (our emotions) keeps building up till the damn eventually gives!  It is the same with our health.  Suppress your feelings for years and even decades, and it sets you up for a potential heart attack!  Our bodies, although usually resilient, can only take so much.

A great therapist once said it best when she stated, “Acknowledging your feelings will never kill you, but denying them will!”  She was right.  Our emotions are designed to cause us to react and motivate us to take action.  They are in a sense our fuel, and a necessary part of what drives us.  Turning those feelings inward and off, especially painful ones, is like activating a ticking time bomb inside.

I knew a woman who had been sexually abused in childhood, which dramatically affected her self esteem, choices in men, and her overall view of the world.  She learned to turn off her emotions as a way of surviving, because what she felt was too scary at the time.  However, she continued that pattern for decades, instead of working on acknowledging her feelings and healing her past as she became an adult, so her health ultimately paid the price, as she developed cervical cancer. 

When we close off, it’s like shutting a door.  We can’t cut and close just one section, as the entire door gets shut.  It is the same with us.  When we suppress and repress, we globally shut down, as we can’t just pick and choose what we wish to bury; all of it gets buried inside.  We become depressed, lethargic, our circulation suffers, along with our overall health and well being, and since we are closed, it is extremely difficult for our health to repair.  Remember, a blessing never comes to you – it must come through you!  We must work on opening up to our feelings, work through the pain, and allowing ourselves to let our emotions work for us, which allows us to become an open channel for healing and maintaining our body.

4- Selfishness and hurting others hurts our bodies

When we are self centered, selfish, and even narcissistic, we may think that we are getting our way and looking out for number 1, but we are ultimately only hurting number 1 — the one and only body we have.

Since physics proves that everything within the universe in interconnected, we are all connected and here to offer our unique gifts to others.  When we refuse to contribute to others as we are supposed to, we sin.  We have denied our divine purpose to the collective, and the world suffers as it is only us who can contribute what we’re here to offer.

Imagine if a parent spiritually agreed to nurture their child’s talent for acting, put them through acting school, and financially assist them as they were making their career happen.  Then, due to selfishness, the parent reneged on their spiritual promise, therefore, their child did not get acting lessons, and consequently, didn’t “make it” as an actor.  Destiny was changed for the worse due to the selfishness of the parent and ultimately, their body would pay the penalty.

When we hurt others, we usually don’t physically attack them.  What we typically do is cheat, lie, manipulate, deceive and play mind games.  These sins are detrimental to our health, even though we may have thought we got away with it at the time, as our negative mission was fulfilled without us getting caught.

There was a woman who was jealous and resentful of a new female coworker.  So she set out on a mission to get the new co worker fired through discrediting her to the entire office.  Through maneuvering and manipulating, she achieved her objective, as the new co worker lost her job after only one month.  She seemed to get away with it, but when the repercussions of her actions came back years later; her body paid the price.

I remember a man who cheated on his wife constantly and even though his wife tried to save the marriage, her efforts failed.  After many years, he divorced her for another woman.  You might think, “Oh, I bet the new woman cheated on him.”  No, she did not.  It wasn’t the new woman, or any other woman who paid him back for his sins.  It was his health that reaped the repercussions, as he developed fatal prostate cancer.

When we hurt others, it is not merely the act that affects them.  How their life was changed irrevocably, and presumably for the worse, is like dropping a pebble in the water; the ripples keep on going.  This is what happens to our health, as the negative ripples come back and tear down our bodies.  As we stop harming others, though, it is like a most powerful medicine that repairs and restores the temple of the living God – our physical body.

5-I can’t forgive, and if that means I get sick, oh well…

I remember a client of mine who had many people she hadn’t forgiven, including her ex who use to physically abuse her, neighbors who damaged her property on purpose, plus her three children who all used her and stole from her financially.  She was beginning to get ill, and I knew why.  Her lack of forgiveness was eating her body alive, and I tried to tell her so.

Her response might surprise you when she flatly said: “I don’t care if I get sick; I’m not going to forgive them.”

But if you think about it, it’s not that unusual.  Many of us refuse to forgive, but most of us know that we should.  Forgiving doesn’t mean that you have to accept someone who hurt you back into your life.  It isn’t condoning what they’ve done, either.  You do not become vulnerable to being harmed again through forgiveness; it is the exact opposite.  Forgiving sets you free, surrounds you in divine protection, and heals your mind, body, and spirit.

In fact, forgiving those who have wronged us is one of the strongest keys in the world to our health and well being.  Its positive effects can probably not begin to even be measured.  There is nothing bad that comes from forgiving.  Only good comes from this healing act.

Almost all medicines have side effects, and some quite serious.  Forgiving has none.

As doctors can be expensive and misdiagnose us, forgiveness is free and will never get it wrong, not even one time.

Medicine can often alleviate some of our symptoms, but not always get to the root cause of an illness and offer a complete cure.  Forgiveness heals the cause and is a cure.

Forgiving allows you to fly with the eagles by setting you free from the dark and poisonous energy that internally rots our bodies.  Never lose sight of the fact the energy is everything.  By holding on to hatred, resentment, anger, bitterness, and the proverbial “Life isn’t fair” attitude, these energies work hard on every cell in our bodies, tearing them all down!  With forgiving, you are free, lighthearted, filled with openness and joy, happiness, and physical vitality.

We are now releasing the burden, like lifting a ton of weight off of our tired and aching backs.  There is nothing scary about it.  Not forgiving those who have hurt you poisons you – It doesn’t affect them at all…  “Oh, they’ll get theirs,” you might say!  Those thoughts don’t help you and certainly don’t hurt them. 

Your body, once paying the penalty for non forgiveness, can now be washed clean as virgin snow:  ageless, timeless, and in perfect health.  As we forgive, we bathe ourselves in eternal light and unconditional love!  One of the greatest healers of all time is process of releasing all who have hurt us to their highest good, and living by the law of divine love.  Yes, we have all been hurt, and we have all harmed others.  Therefore, we also need to forgive ourselves for what we’ve done that victimized others, and for any choices we’ve made that have had negative repercussions!

As the phrase goes: “Let the person without sin cast the first stone!”  But when and as we forgive, where are the stones?  There are less and less to throw or be thrown! 

Live for today and be healthy!

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.” Buddha

With this wise quote, we see why living for today is a great tool for our health and well being!

Keep in mind that there is only now.  The past and the future don’t exist, as they are only an illusion.  Therefore, we disconnect from reality by living for yesterday or tomorrow, where we sever our ties with eternal source, light and love! 

Whatever happened before, it is over with!  Let it go, release it, pronounce that you’re at peace, and engage in laughter.  None of it can hurt you anymore,,. You are no longer a prisoner of memories.  Just take the lesson and throw the rest away!  Today is all there is, and live it like you were just born when you woke up this morning!  Look at everything as if you’re seeing it for the very first time!  As the world is new, so is your body!

The future is not yet here, so don’t think about it!  Let go of the fear of getting old, and the terror of all the nightmares that might happen.  Thinking of it truly helps to make all of your fears actually come true, which you don’t want — while living in the here and now helps to guarantee a wonderful future. 

Escaping reality through the dreams of tomorrow, or the terror of what could occur, scatters your energies and dramatically weakens your body!  Don’t dwell on the future for even one moment.  Immerse yourself in all that is right in front of you, like a giggling toddler, engaged in fascination, magic and wonder!  Live in wonder and your body remains like a newborn infant, filled with energy and joy!

Living for ONLY today is an investment in yourself that allows your health to increase – like putting millions of dollars in the bank, sitting back and just watching it all grow.

Let us now feel a new birth!  We are reborn right at this very moment!  We have claimed our perfect health and well being by living in harmony with all that has been ours by divine right all along.

We are most likely all quite familiar with the old mainstay of: “Actions speak louder than words.”  In fact, we’ve all probably heard it a million times before.  This statement can refer to anyone who claims through their words to care for us so very much, but doesn’t really back up those assertions through their actions and in the way that they treat us. Family members make promises of offering emotional and financial support, then renege, or at least fall short via their actions.  Friends can promise to listen to your troubles when you’re going through a tough time, then not follow through, and let those promises just fade away through their actions.  In these scenarios, we see ourselves, as well as the other parties involved, illustrating this old mainstay, both playing out one piece of this two-part puzzle.

But what if we look at: “Actions speak louder than words” from the perspective of only one person carrying out both the actions and the words?  One person plays out both roles.  There is no love interest or another party involved – just you and your relationship to yourself.  Is what you’re doing really the same thing as what you’re saying?  And if not, why?

So many examples come to mind when we think of our actions speaking louder than our words:  “I want a real relationship with a wonderful man,” a woman claims.  However, she only dates married, involved or unattainable men.  Obviously, her actions don’t match the claim of her words.

“I really want to be thin,” a man declares.  However, he overeats daily, and refuses to modify his eating habits to lose weight. 

“I want to be a great success in my career,” a young man boldly proclaims.  In reality, though, he is lazy, wants something for nothing, and doesn’t work hard in his career at all.

Most people don’t really try and look at their underlying issues and problems, which create and perpetuate this dichotomy.  However, it is absolutely crucial to get to the bottom of why our actions and words are not the same, if we ever want to be successful in life.

Not understanding your emotional buttons

Often, we just may not know what our emotional triggers are.  We could believe that somehow our issues are not because of us, but just the luck of the draw.  You know the old clichés:  “Some of us are lucky and some of us aren’t.”  “Life really sucks.”  “Things just don’t work out for me.”   

As mentioned above, this woman could merely think that she can’t control who she chooses to love; it just happens.  It’s like the concepts of:  “I got bit by the love bug” or “Love is blind.”  Without taking responsibility for her choices in love (as of course they are always her choices), her actions and words remain at odds with each other.

With that mindset, she won’t heal her romantic life as she is caught in a pattern.  It doesn’t matter that she isn’t aware of such a pattern.  It still creates the reality of bringing her the same type of men over and over again.  She may not understand her mechanisms, yet she must learn to do so if she wishes to change her situation and manifest her dream of a successful romantic relationship.  In this instance, what she really wants,  to only be with men who are married, involved, or unattainable, contradicts what she says,  “I want a real relationship.”  Since she doesn’t know any better, she needs to make the journey of self-discovery to come to terms with what she really feels – not just fall back on what she verbally claims to feel. 

Here are the reasons for her conflict:  She has a strong fear of commitment, which is based on witnessing her parents viciously fight throughout her childhood.  Then when she was 18, her parent’s marriage ended in a nasty divorce and nothing was ever resolved between her mother and father.  This experience of her first 18 years, laid the foundation for her tremendous fear of commitment (which she is unaware of). 

Within her emotions (which represent her actions), commitment equals violence, fighting, torture and imprisonment.  Therefore, she will avoid commitment at all costs and do all she can to only magnetize to and attract men who will not and can not ever give her that commitment.  This way, she stays safe.

One couldn’t tell her to just stop being attracted to the men who she currently desires  – that wouldn’t work.  She needs to first end these relationships to no longer feed the old patterns.  Then, she should work to emotionally come to a place of inner peace with the way her parent’s marriage and divorce shaped and affected her.  By achieving peace with her past, she will naturally move away from wanting married, involved, or unattainable men.   Her attractions will shift toward a better person for her through her healing.  By learning to understand herself, she will now know better emotionally (not just mentally, as represented by her words).  This helps her to manifest her dream of a successful love life.

How big is your denial?

A person in denial is someone who lies to themselves, rationalizes, knows the truth, but refuses to deal with it or face it.  It is usually quite obvious to others when we’re in denial.  Often, our denial is so blatant, that others are in disbelief that we’re actually in it and don’t choose to see it ourselves.

Regarding the man who claims he wants to be thin, yet overeats daily, it would seem obvious to most of us what he is doing.  “Just stop overeating.  Then, you’ll begin to lose the weight,” a friend remarks.  But remember, the man who overeats daily is not willing to acknowledge his own denial.  Why? Because he doesn’t choose to — because he doesn’t want to.  In short, he still wants to overeat.

But by claiming through his words that he wants to lose weight, it actually allows him to keep overeating.  Why?  It’s as if his words indicate that he is attempting to lose weight, even though he is not trying to do so at all.  And if he’s supposedly trying, how can he be criticized?  He could always turn around and say to someone who sheds light on his eating habits, “I’m trying to lose weight and sure I make mistakes, as I’m not perfect. But I’m trying.  Don’t you have issues and problems, too?”  Here, his words also provide a defense.

The words provide a safe hiding place for his actions (to continue overeating), because, with his words, he is saying the right thing.  In this instance, if he stops the words, there is nothing to hide the very obvious reality that he chooses to keep overeating daily and gain weight, so the words serve as the perfect smokescreen.

People can deny anything they want to, and through their words, keep what they’re in denial about going.  I remember a female client who claimed that she wanted more than anything to catch her husband cheating, and then, she would divorce him.  However, when she finally walked in on him in bed with another woman, she denied that there was any sex involved: “They were just laying there and talking,” she said.  So she really didn’t want what her words so boldly stated, as she stayed married to him (as represented by her actions).

We must no longer use words to facilitate our own denial.  If we’re not doing (in our actions) what we’re claiming we want to do through our words, we must immediately start to look at our real motives and intentions, which are always shown by our actions and choices.  By doing so, our actions and words can begin to work in harmony and together.

When fear provides a covert mission

We fight so hard to silence our fears…Often, we don’t know what we’re afraid of, and frequently have no idea of what we’re actually scared of.  This may sound like the craziest thing you’ve ever read, because we all think of fear as anxiety, panic, a fast heartbeat, sweating, raw terror, shaking in our boots, and running for cover – as something we could never not know.  Certainly we think of fear as something we would always be aware of – like how could we not hear a deafeningly loud siren going off?  So how does it make sense to say that we would not even be aware of an energy we’ve felt as so tremendously overwhelming?

Some fears are quite well disguised and well hidden.  These emotional/psychological fears are designed to operate in our inner reality in such a way that we don’t ever know that they are there – at all.  And that is the purpose and covert mission of such fears.  They carefully architect and build walls and defenses within us, deigned to protect us from danger (in these instances, emotional/psychological danger).  Internal brick walls are created and built through our own emotional pain:  resentment, hurt, anger, rage, fear, and any negative emotions we carry. 

This way, our words will indicate what we want on the surface, but our actions (which represent our covert fears), will make sure to not let the request of our words ever come to fruition.  This can occur in many ways: 

1.  Through building walls so thick within us that our verbal requests do not have an open door to manifest in our lives,
2.  To remove and eliminate anything or anyone that threatens these fears,
3.  Avoiding situations and circumstances that challenge the territorial stronghold of these fears, and
4.  Making choices that are self destructive to us.

Regarding the man who verbally claimed he wanted to be successful in his career, his fear of success was the covert fear than undermined him time and time again.  This fear came from a deep seated feeling of inadequacy within him, and not feeling worthy of success as he believed he was “not good enough.”  So his covert fears did their best to assist him in destroying success in his career.

He would refuse to show up on time for work, and would always act as if he was just tied up with things, suggesting that his tardiness was excusable and benign.  He would argue regularly with his boss, ostensibly because he was trying to help the company, and standing up for his employee rights.  In addition, he would be unnecessarily argumentative with co coworkers, which made his co workers not like him at all.  When he had opportunities to legitimately advance within the company, he would drop the ball and not rise to the challenge; therefore, promotions were denied him.

Here we see that the fears within his subconscious mind and internal emotions were acting against his conscious interests, which were for him to be successful in his career.  These inner fears within him were controlling his actions from behind the scenes.  When I first brought this to his attention, he had no idea what I was talking about.

“Are you saying that I am actually sabotaging my own career?” he asked in shock.  My answer to him was, “Absolutely, yes.”  If you think of it, it makes perfect sense if you simply look at his actions.  Again, these fears are supposed to be hidden from conscious view – he is not supposed to know that they are there.  These fears function like a dysfunctional misguided sort of a guardian angel.

“Why would these fears need to be covert?,” you might ask.  Because if they are hidden from our conscious view, these fears are never healed, which means that they can continue to protect us, and here’s what happens:

• Our fears remain in control of us (and we stay emotionally “safe”).
• Our fears go unchallenged (and fear continues to be in control of our lives).
• Our fears cause us to shut down and make self-destructive choices (the longer the fears remain in our consciousness, the worse our lives become).

With covert fears, it is hard for us to determine the nature of the problem, where it begins and how it affects us.  With overt fears, you’re aware of them, so you’ll take steps to deal with them or merely practice avoidance.  If you’re afraid of flying, you won’t get on a plane, or you’ll take a pill to handle it, or if you’re afraid of elevators, you’ll take the stairs. However, with covert fears, they are hard to detect, as they are designed be hidden,;plus, they become a part of our inner make up and go unnoticed, in the same way we don’t pay attention to the functioning of our kidneys, or other organs.  So words provide the perfect cover, a masterful camouflage.

What my client needs to do is to see the conflict between his actions in his career, and his words.  With covert fears, it is a more complex and difficult puzzle to put together.  He, as with all of us, must look at the area or areas of our lives where we verbally say we want something, yet through our actions and choices, we manifest the opposite, or something different from what we verbally state.  By making the journey of uncovering our covert fears, we are set free to have our actions and words work in a unified way.

The result is chaos

Whether we mean it or not, the sum total of all of these actions, motives, feelings and reasons lead us down a path of conflict of confusion.  When we think of it, it’s easy to say the right thing.  Words are easy to come by – we’ve all heard the phrase “Talk is cheap.”  So many times, we use our words as a vehicle of avoidance and denial.  The words provide the illusion that we really mean what we say. 

However, in reality, if our actions don’t back up those words, there’s something wrong, and that is from within us.  And that has to do with the games we play on ourselves:

1. Sometimes we’re not aware or choose to not be aware of the inner conflicts we possess, so we stay in the dark, which perpetuates the conflict between our actions and our words. 
2. We don’t really emotionally want what we verbally claim we do, so the words disguise where we’re really coming from, as indicated by our actions. 
3. We are weak minded, and only want something for nothing, or what comes easily, so the “talk is cheap” cliché applies. 
4. Our fears are in control, and block us from manifesting dreams, or motivate us to only make bad choices, which are contrary to the positive words we state. 
5. We don’t want to face or acknowledge who we really are, as it is not flattering or complimentary to ourselves, so our words put a nice and false front on what we’re really doing.

Realize that with this game, no one wins – as it is us who most certainly lose.  After all, who’s getting fooled in the end?  The solution must come through a marriage of sorts – a partnership that works between our words and our actions, where they are no longer separated, or diametrically opposed to each other…

One and the same

We must work toward our actions and our words being one and the came – it is a tremendously important step for us to achieve on a spiritual level.  When we are in conflict – when we are duplicitous, it is literally like taking two steps forward, then two steps backward.  As God created us in one single divine image, one of utter perfection and invincibility, we must work through all of our “stuff,” and all of our “issues,” with the sole intent of making our actions and our words no different from each other.  Just like we need to have our right leg work in harmony with our left leg, our mind, body and spirit to be on the same page regarding our overall health and well being, we must make our actions and words have a total commitment of unification to each other.

That comes from understanding who we are on a deeper level, coming out of denial, and uncovering our darkest and hard to detect fears.  This takes work, yet it is necessary.  Watch all that you choose and say with diligence and persistence, and observe where you fall short.  Keep uncovering the story of you – your inner workings and their complexities, as unweaving that most complex puzzle is your key.

As we work through this seemingly endless maze, we come to a place of completion, based on clarity, self-honesty, courage, diligence, oneness, simplicity and true purpose…And then, with our actions speaking no louder, no softer, no different — but rather, exactly the same as our words, our dreams will manifest in our lives.

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