Voice of the Spirit

Most people used to think of our health as something that could be identified solely by two things: our genetic family history, and in addition, our lifestyle choices such as diet, smoking, whether we exercise or not, being overweight, along with consumption of alcohol and drugs.

Besides genetics and lifestyle choices, illness was also thought of as something that just randomly happened – like the roll of the dice, or the luck of the draw.  Some people just ended up sick, while others didn’t.  One person who never smoked a cigarette in their life could become diagnosed with lung cancer, while someone else who smoked two packs a day might never get the dreaded disease many refer to as “The Big C.”

In recent decades, the awareness has come into the medical community that illness may not be totally based on genetics, lifestyle choices, and/or at random – and that there are some other causes that can be verified.  Even conventional doctors acknowledge that stress can play a large part in our health, especially for prolonged periods of time.   With the fast pace of living we are all under now, many of us experience sleep deprivation, which can also create serious health problems and life threatening accidents.

For many of us, stress, a fast paced life and sleep deprivation being identified as factors that affect our health may seem as obvious as the sun rising in the morning, but to doctors who would think otherwise, this was quite a revelation.  After all, can science clearly and precisely determine just how much these issues affect our health?  There are those who live under tremendous stresses and still remain healthy, while others who have relatively stress free lives experience dire illnesses.

To complicate matters even further, the industrialization of our society causes many people to have serious illnesses due to environmental hazards, such as toxic waste dumps which contaminate the water we drink, the air we breathe, and our food supply.  Besides entire species being threatened of extinction, we now hear of communities of people who have been stricken ill, with some even dying, because of nearby health hazards due to industrialization.

Besides industrialization, some feel that our health is simply a matter of God’s will, and our “destiny,” which we have no control over either way.

There are also spiritual masters who teach that certain illnesses we manifest in our bodies were spiritually agreed to by us before we came into a given lifetime, for the purpose of learning lessons and/or burning negative karma.

But on top of all of the factors mentioned above, many who are spiritually minded have come to believe in recent decades that illness is something we as individuals do create for ourselves.  It is now perceived that we have a lot to do with whether we’re sick or healthy – not just for the obvious reasons of genetics, lifestyle choices, stress, and even the environment, but due to the mind, body, and spirit connection we possess.  Now a mainstream concept within our culture, the idea that we create our own illnesses has been something that great spiritual masters have taught for decades – even centuries.

All of the above mentioned factors pose the question of just how much of our illnesses are self created, while what part of our health, if any, is simply beyond our control?  As the old mainstay of “without your health, you have nothing” rings so true, I will attempt to probe all of these questions step by step in this writing with the purpose of all of us having and manifesting the best possible health and well being.

Which came first – the chicken or the egg…?  Karma and genetics 

It would seem logical that if both of our parents and/or other family members had heart disease, so would we at some point in our lives.  After all, it is in our genetic profile.  This would presume that genetics help to dictate our health, propensity to certain diseases, and even our longevity of life.  So with this mindset, genetics come first, (meaning they are the cause) and our health is the effect.

From a spiritual perspective though, it is the exact opposite as it pertains to our health lessons, issues and karma.  While we are still on the other side before incarnating, we choose our parents and family depending on what it is that our health lessons and karma are to be.  The reasons we choose our parents and family (from a health perspective) are multi-faceted:

1 – If we are spiritually agree (before incarnating into a given physical lifetime) to have certain health issues, we choose parents and family who also have the same health issues.  From a spiritual perspective, this is the rarest of options – one that says we are predestined to have the same health issues and problems that have been present in our family history.  There is no way of statistically verifying this, but my sense throughout all of my spiritual work is that only a very small percentage of health issues we manifest fall into this category of being predestined, and verifiable through family genetics.

2- We may choose parents with a health issue to break the pattern and NOT manifest the illnesses they have.  In this instance, the spiritual agreement is to NOT carry the genetic pattern any further.  If one or both parents had cancer, the agreement is for us to be cancer free.  Here we are setting up a life where we are compelled spiritually to end a pattern that needs to stop, and that is our role.  This option occurs more often than option 1 listed above, but is less prevalent than option 3, which is indicated directly below.

3- What feels to me to be the most likely possibility regarding our health as related to our genetics is that it is optional and choice driven.  I heard a doctor on CNN state it this way:  “Our genetics are the gun, but we either pull the trigger or not.”  In this instance, we have the ultimate choice as to manifest good health, or to carry on the pattern of our parent’s health problems. 

That “pulling the trigger” can be quite literal, as in becoming a drug addict when our father was one.  It can also be internal.  The fear of getting sick in the way mom or dad did can be a terrifying and haunting reality within us.   As we get close to the age that mom had a stroke, we fear that we too will have one.  That helps to “pull the trigger” as well.  As we create what we fear, we must realize that being in a positive frame of mind, and NOT identifying with, or being scared of our family’s health issues helps us to be healthy.

In addition to the choices we make once we are in a physical lifetime, the end result is always preceded by the spiritual agreements we set up before coming in this incarnation.  The good news is that in most or almost all instances, we do have a choice as to whether to repeat a family health issue or not and that we are not just a mirror of our genetics.  This way, out health is largely in our hands.

What did you just put in your mouth? – What we ingest and lifestyle choices

It may sound crude to ask someone, “Hey, what did you just put in your mouth?”  But the old cliche of “You are what you eat” could be expanded to say: “You are all you put in your mouth and how you live?”  This statement includes everything ingested in addition to food, including alcohol, drugs, as well as the type of lifestyle we engage in.

Of course all of us now know that fatty and processed foods are bad for us, along with smoking, alcohol and drugs.  And yes, we should exercise and not get overweight as these are all serious contributors to our health, regardless of all of the other factors covered in this writing.

But perhaps, there is a more profound reality to these choices.  What we take in our bodies and how we live truly shows what we think of ourselves, how we view our bodies, and the value we feel we have or don’t have of.

If someone said, “I’m a heroin addict, but I really like myself,” what would we think of such a claim?  Or how about, “I’m eating greasy cheeseburgers everyday but I do value my body.”  Stated in this fashion, these statements sound utterly absurd.

They certainly back up the title of one of my recent newsletters:  “Actions Speak Louder Than Words — A Spiritual Perspective,” as our actions say more about us spiritually than anything we could ever say.

We must first make the adjustments necessary regarding what we take in along with lifestyle changes.  Then, we must get to the bottom of the emotional and psychological reasons as to why we did the things we did.  We overate because we were emotionally frustrated and food provided a comfort – a false comfort.  We need to come to terms with what motivated us to overeat, and heal that pain in addition to redefining our eating habits.  We drank because we wanted to numb our inner pain, and escape what we felt.  Stopping drinking is the beginning, not the end of our sobriety.  We must work through and uncover all of the reasons within us as to why we drank.

Then, we not only alleviate the symptoms, but we get to the root cause of why, and with answering and healing the most profound question of “why,” we help to transform our health for the better!

Hey, it just happened… – The random affect

For those of us who don’t acknowledge the reality that for every effect, there is a cause, we can perceive that stuff just happens regarding our health in seemingly random ways.  “Statistically, there’s a certain number of people that get a disease, and you’re just one of them,” is a statement to back up such a mind set.

Some people get stricken with life threatening illnesses, and have no idea why.  The fear, terror, and the perplexity of why this happened can rivet people’s sense of well being and even their belief systems down to their core.

But spiritually, there is always a cause behind an effect – and usually, it is us who is the cause regarding our health.  If we look at it from the most obvious perspective, it sounds completely realistic: 

• You eat more, therefore, you gain weight, and your health suffers.
• If you’re overweight, you eat less, lose weight, and improve your health.
• You exercise, and probably live a longer and healthier life.

 Here, we’re seeing causality in the most obvious of ways.  But what about the causality that comes from within?  How do we feel about our bodies?  Do we like what we see when we look at ourselves naked in the mirror?  If we do, we’ve improved out health.  Why?  Because thought is energy, and if you like what you see in the mirror, the thought of “I am ok” is generated to your body.  And liking your body helps to improve your health as your body absorbs the positive messages being sent to it. 

If we say, “I’m so ugly and hideous,” when we look at ourselves, we’ve helped to lead ourselves to illness.  Saying such a statement is the cause, which creates energy that says, “My body is no good.”  And of course, your body will pick up this energy, and if reinforced long enough, carry out the energy of the original cause, which is to make the body ugly and hideous. 

It is so important to always find what you DO like about your body and celebrate it – and never refer to your body as ugly, unattractive, or undesirable.

Remember, each of our bodies are created by the divine architect, who creates everything perfect in divine image!   By knowing this and identifying with this reality, you help to increase the likelihood of long lasting health!

This is killing me! – The stress factor

“I’m late for work – I don’t have time for lunch – I’m late picking up the kids – I can’t sleep because I’m worried about my presentation at work tomorrow – I’m stuck in rush hour traffic and can’t get home to cook dinner,” are statements that we all say or hear.

“Oh my God – you mean I feel asleep at the wheel, and that’s what caused the car accident.  Did I hurt anyone else,” a man waking up in the hospital asks in bewilderment?

All of these statements unfortunately probably sound all too familiar, as most of us experience one or most these realties every day.

Welcome to the modern world, where the stress and demands of a fast paced life make us sick, injured, and even kill people every day!

As I mentioned earlier in this writing, even doctors acknowledge that stress plays a factor in our health:  High blood pressure, headaches, nervous tension, shallow breathing, panic, anxiety, all weigh heavily on the body and bring our health dramatically down,  Remember, we weren’t originally made to live this way on a daily basis. Yes, most of us can handle brief periods of stress – but not day in, day out, for years and even decades.

One could say, “But I can’t control this.  This is the way life is.  What can I do as I have bills to pay?”

A deeper question needs to be asked.  What is the bottom line here – Are you willing to sacrifice your health for a deadline at work – drive when you’re not alert and rested and potentially fall asleep at the wheel?

Here are three points worth considering:

1-Cast the burden of stress daily to infinite intelligence and divine love!  Here is an affirmation: “I now let go and release all stresses today to divine love and now go free to be relaxed, balance, and forever healthy!”  This will certainly help to dissipate and release stress from within.  Also, try to just let go and let God, literally.  There may always be things that may stress us out, but by mastering the concept of giving up the burden to a higher power, we lift a ton of weight off of ourselves, and let the highest good manifest in our lives!  Each issue becomes less important, as we are travelling through this world lighthearted, free and unattached.  This will improve our health immeasurably!

2- Modify the stress the best you can, and when necessary, be willing to make tough choices.  Sure, it would be great to never have to sleep, as we would get more done.  However, nature didn’t create us that way.  Our bodies can handle the occasional night with short sleep, but when we start making a pattern of it, then it is bad.

If you miss an event, or didn’t get to work overtime and make more money, oh well, so be it!  At the end of the day, your health shouldn’t be compromised.

3-It is not worth sacrificing your body, the only body you have, all for the sake of stress, achievement, and a fast pace lifestyle!  You can always find another job – money can be made.  You can always redirect your day to day activities!  Always know your bottom line, and put your health first, no matter what, as you only have one body, and without that one healthy body, you have nothing!

Why am I coughing when I step outside? – Industrialization

Since industrialization has been around before any of us were born, we may just sort of assume that this is the way it has always been.  However, there was a time when there were no automobiles, trains, planes, and deadly smoke billowing out of factories around the clock.  We once lived in a world where species and life forms were not on the verge of being wiped off the face of the earth.  Since industrialization is a fact of life, we all have to deal with its effects, but here are some points worth considering to maintain your health in the midst of our modern world;

1-We all need to try and do whatever we can to change the world to become friendly to humans, the environment and all forms of life.  This may seem like a tall order, but a great long range goal!  Anything you do moves the world at large in the right direction.

2-Make sure the tap water in your area is suitable to drink.  If not, drink purified water, which will help to keep your system healthy and cleansed.

Try to live in an area that has healthy air to breathe, and if you can’t, use air purifiers in your home to improve the air quality in your immediate environment.

Educate yourself regarding the food you eat.  Learn to read labels, and stay away from food that is processed.  Buy organic and natural if you can, and grown your own food if at all possible.

Make sure to give praise and thanksgiving for everything you eat, and affirm that all you take in digests perfectly in your system, and brings you complete health and well being,

3-Affirm that you are in a state of harmony with the environment and the outer world.  By doing so, you are more likely to improve your health, as being in a “state if harmony” with the world is always good for our bodies. 

In addition to having the best possible water, air, food, and living in the healthiest environment possible, make sure to be respectful and reverent of nature and all that is present on earth.  Be good to the world around you and the world will be good to you!  Even in the midst of an industrialized society, respect and reverence for the world and life will help to bring that same energy and reality back to you, providing a cornerstone to build your health on! 

Am I meant to be sick? – God’s will and karma 

It is God’s will that I get sick?  Is illness meant to be?  Do I have a choice as to be healthy or not?  Are my health problems predestined?

These are all questions any of us might ask if and when we get sick; the eternal “Why did this happen to me?”

As it pertains to sickness, it is quite rare that we actually agree (on the other side before being physically born) to have a certain illness at a specific time in an earthly lifetime.  In all of my spiritual work, I would estimate that less than 5% of all illnesses are predestined.

If that is correct, then when, why, and how would being sick be predestined?

If we have certain spiritual and/or karmic lessons that tie into being sick or ill in a certain way, then we would sign a contract (on the other side in our spiritual bodies before being born) to manifest an illness in a specific time and way in our coming physical lifetime.  With this type of contract, one could call it God’s will, or “destiny”, as our higher self agrees to take on this lesson.  If we agree to it in our spiritual contract, we will not be able to get out of it once we’re in the human form.

Let me give you an example of someone I believe had a spiritual contract to have a certain illness at a specific time.  There is no way of proving this, but I will share with you what I saw.

I had a female friend who I met when I was a teenager.  She had sex appeal, charisma, good looks, a huge ego, and was attached to all of her feminine attributes, including ”the millions dollar hole,” a nickname for her pussy.  In fact, she was a model for a time. Her human attachment to these things caused her to be manipulative, arrogant, and egotistical.

When she was in her early to mid thirties, she developed breast cancer.  She ultimately lost both of her breasts and her hair.  In addition, her body became quite distorted through the tough medical treatments that accompany battling cancer.  She fought the disease for 9-10 years, and then transitioned into spirit.

I felt that she had set up her earthly life (before incarnating) with all of the feminine attributes mentioned above, along with a strong attachment to such things.  Her lesson was to be stripped of all that she was attached to.  Why?  So that she could become unattached and humbled, for her growth on a soul level.  Even though she didn’t process this lesson in her personality before leaving this world, she experienced it, which was the objective of her soul. 

The good news is that it is so seldom that we spiritually agree to manifest a certain illness as my friend may have, and that we are largely in control as to whether we’re sick or not.  With that awareness, the question needs to be posed, “Then why do so many people get sick?”  Besides the choices that directly affect our heath such as what we ingest, our environment, lifestyle, and stress, that answer is a little three letter word.

Sickness and sin; two peas in a pod – How we create our illnesses

“The germ of its own defeat is present in every negative thought, word and deed we engage in.  It literally makes us physically ill.”  Spirit just gave me this message as I was writing, and it belies a very simple and truthful reality:  “Sickness is sin.”  Meaning, whenever we sin, we help to make ourselves sick.  It doesn’t matter whether we hurt others, and/or ourselves.  Our body pays the penalty, and the more we sin, the sicker we get.

In this context, “sin” is much broader than in Biblical terms, which is based on the Ten Commandments.  Anything that is contrary and goes against the reality of divine love can be considered a sin.  For example:  If we believe that we’re born with the birthright of prosperity, keeping ourselves in poverty is a sin.

Keep in mind that this little three letter word comes from a Latin word which means an act of suicide.  It’s easy to grasp if you think that sin creates a negative energy, and since all we think, do and say comes back to us, our body houses our repercussions and becomes ill when and as we sin.

1-What you think can make you sick

The Dalai Lama says that “To think of killing someone is the exact same thing as killing them.”  The point that he’s making is that thought is reality, and that what we think is tangible and real; not just internalized and hidden from the world.

 What do we think of ourselves?  If we think that we’re not good enough, unattractive, never going to be a success, unworthy of money, and a loser, these thoughts are sinful.  Why?  Because they are contrary to God’s divine image of us, which is one of magnificent perfection!  These thoughts will not only help to manifest their reality, they will make you sick.  Why?  Because thought is energy, and the energy behind all of these thoughts is negative toward you.  That continued negativity wears down the body, its defenses and creates illness within us.

I had a client who though her body was ugly for decades.  She mentally focused and obsessed on the areas of her body which she felt were unattractive. She held these sinful thoughts for so long about herself, that eventually, her body started manifesting serious negative health conditions that were visible to anyone seeing her. Even though she didn’t think badly of others, her sinful thoughts toward herself did harm her body.

Thinking badly of others will make you sick.  The old phrase of,”I am my brother’s keeper” (in thought) rings true here.  It’s not enough to refrain from physically hurting someone or avoiding an attempt to ruin their reputation.  We need to really just listen to our thoughts, and see them for what they are.  If we think negatively of someone, work toward replacing that thought with something positive about that person.  Or at the very least, bless them and let them go.  Right there, you’ve legitimately improved your overall health. 

Harboring resentment and jealousy of others helps to tear down our cells.  Holding onto feelings of hatred based on prejudice on any level attacks our bodies.  Whether based on race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, appearance, or any prejudgment, we must do our best to not hold on to any part of it, even if just for the sake of our bodies.

Thought is the origin from which we build our reality, and thinking badly of others, helps to cripple the physical foundation of our bodies.  Try to raise your thoughts to a higher level regarding those you don’t like.  You might say, “I can’t because I don’t like them.”  That’s precisely why we need to mentally perfect ourselves on those who we think badly of, because it will improve our health immeasurably.

2-Your words can make you gravely ill

“Life and death are in the power of the tongue,” states the Bible.  Perhaps, no truer words have ever been spoken.  When you listen to people talk all day long, it’s a miracle that they’re still ok by the end of the day.  Favorite topics include: Death, tragedy, accidents, murder, sickness, poverty, gossip, criticizing and hating others, and the theme that “Life really sucks!”  With the atomic power of words, this voicing of negativity comes back to us and affects our bodies.  If you think that a person may say 25 negative statements per day for 10 years, that’s literally 91,250 negative thoughts, or the equivalent of 91,250 drops of poison in their body over a ten year period.

We sometimes believe that if we speak badly of someone we don’t know, it’s no big deal.  “I hate his guts, and don’t want him to become President,” an angry man says of a political candidate!  “She’s an out of control monster.  I can’t wait for her to get hers,” a woman rants about a reckless celebrity!

Most people think that they’re just harmlessly venting.  However, it is the exact opposite, especially if we care to be physically healthy. These hateful words come back to roost, right inside of our bodies!

Wishing bad upon others is a surefire recipe for a health crisis.  Most of us wish badly upon those who have hurt us, so yes, we are not crazy.  We didn’t just make it all up — something really did happen.

“I wish that everything she did to me comes back to her,” a woman says of her former friend who stole her boyfriend away.  But what we wish upon them will come back to us.  It is not as if that we are exempt from the repercussions of our negative wishes because we have been victimized.  The law of the universe is quite clear: We need to wish well upon everyone, especially those who have hurt us!   Think of it this way:  If we wish bad upon someone who has hurt us, we get hurt twice:  Once from what they originally did to us, and again when the bad we wished upon them harms our health.

Constant criticism of others tears down our vitality and brings disease to us.  “Look at her.  She’s fat, ugly, and disgusting.  No one would want her,” a woman says of her co worker.

Probably the worst example of our words making us sick is when we’re angry.  “I hate the SOB, as he keeps hurting me, and he’ll never stop.  I wish he would die,” a young man says of his mean father!

“My life is horrible and it will never get any better.  I give up trying, and f*&^ everything and everyone,” a woman shrieks!

With the power of such anger propelling these words, it is like guzzling a can of Drano. In these moments, we need to step back and ask ourselves, “What did I just say?”  Sure, we feel momentarily better for getting it all out, as we vented, but it is the same thing as having a bad temper and punching someone.

Our cornerstone to redirect what we say, which will heal our bodies, is to use our words for only three purposes:  To heal, proper, and bless!  With our new vocabulary, our health will continue to benefit every day.

3-Shut down and your health shuts down too

So many of us as adults have learned to shut down as way of surviving – by not feeling and shutting down our emotional pain.  Therefore, we suppress (consciously) and repress (unconsciously) our emotions, which in time can make us gravely ill.  Think of it like a damn (our body) and the water (our emotions) keeps building up till the damn eventually gives!  It is the same with our health.  Suppress your feelings for years and even decades, and it sets you up for a potential heart attack!  Our bodies, although usually resilient, can only take so much.

A great therapist once said it best when she stated, “Acknowledging your feelings will never kill you, but denying them will!”  She was right.  Our emotions are designed to cause us to react and motivate us to take action.  They are in a sense our fuel, and a necessary part of what drives us.  Turning those feelings inward and off, especially painful ones, is like activating a ticking time bomb inside.

I knew a woman who had been sexually abused in childhood, which dramatically affected her self esteem, choices in men, and her overall view of the world.  She learned to turn off her emotions as a way of surviving, because what she felt was too scary at the time.  However, she continued that pattern for decades, instead of working on acknowledging her feelings and healing her past as she became an adult, so her health ultimately paid the price, as she developed cervical cancer. 

When we close off, it’s like shutting a door.  We can’t cut and close just one section, as the entire door gets shut.  It is the same with us.  When we suppress and repress, we globally shut down, as we can’t just pick and choose what we wish to bury; all of it gets buried inside.  We become depressed, lethargic, our circulation suffers, along with our overall health and well being, and since we are closed, it is extremely difficult for our health to repair.  Remember, a blessing never comes to you – it must come through you!  We must work on opening up to our feelings, work through the pain, and allowing ourselves to let our emotions work for us, which allows us to become an open channel for healing and maintaining our body.

4- Selfishness and hurting others hurts our bodies

When we are self centered, selfish, and even narcissistic, we may think that we are getting our way and looking out for number 1, but we are ultimately only hurting number 1 — the one and only body we have.

Since physics proves that everything within the universe in interconnected, we are all connected and here to offer our unique gifts to others.  When we refuse to contribute to others as we are supposed to, we sin.  We have denied our divine purpose to the collective, and the world suffers as it is only us who can contribute what we’re here to offer.

Imagine if a parent spiritually agreed to nurture their child’s talent for acting, put them through acting school, and financially assist them as they were making their career happen.  Then, due to selfishness, the parent reneged on their spiritual promise, therefore, their child did not get acting lessons, and consequently, didn’t “make it” as an actor.  Destiny was changed for the worse due to the selfishness of the parent and ultimately, their body would pay the penalty.

When we hurt others, we usually don’t physically attack them.  What we typically do is cheat, lie, manipulate, deceive and play mind games.  These sins are detrimental to our health, even though we may have thought we got away with it at the time, as our negative mission was fulfilled without us getting caught.

There was a woman who was jealous and resentful of a new female coworker.  So she set out on a mission to get the new co worker fired through discrediting her to the entire office.  Through maneuvering and manipulating, she achieved her objective, as the new co worker lost her job after only one month.  She seemed to get away with it, but when the repercussions of her actions came back years later; her body paid the price.

I remember a man who cheated on his wife constantly and even though his wife tried to save the marriage, her efforts failed.  After many years, he divorced her for another woman.  You might think, “Oh, I bet the new woman cheated on him.”  No, she did not.  It wasn’t the new woman, or any other woman who paid him back for his sins.  It was his health that reaped the repercussions, as he developed fatal prostate cancer.

When we hurt others, it is not merely the act that affects them.  How their life was changed irrevocably, and presumably for the worse, is like dropping a pebble in the water; the ripples keep on going.  This is what happens to our health, as the negative ripples come back and tear down our bodies.  As we stop harming others, though, it is like a most powerful medicine that repairs and restores the temple of the living God – our physical body.

5-I can’t forgive, and if that means I get sick, oh well…

I remember a client of mine who had many people she hadn’t forgiven, including her ex who use to physically abuse her, neighbors who damaged her property on purpose, plus her three children who all used her and stole from her financially.  She was beginning to get ill, and I knew why.  Her lack of forgiveness was eating her body alive, and I tried to tell her so.

Her response might surprise you when she flatly said: “I don’t care if I get sick; I’m not going to forgive them.”

But if you think about it, it’s not that unusual.  Many of us refuse to forgive, but most of us know that we should.  Forgiving doesn’t mean that you have to accept someone who hurt you back into your life.  It isn’t condoning what they’ve done, either.  You do not become vulnerable to being harmed again through forgiveness; it is the exact opposite.  Forgiving sets you free, surrounds you in divine protection, and heals your mind, body, and spirit.

In fact, forgiving those who have wronged us is one of the strongest keys in the world to our health and well being.  Its positive effects can probably not begin to even be measured.  There is nothing bad that comes from forgiving.  Only good comes from this healing act.

Almost all medicines have side effects, and some quite serious.  Forgiving has none.

As doctors can be expensive and misdiagnose us, forgiveness is free and will never get it wrong, not even one time.

Medicine can often alleviate some of our symptoms, but not always get to the root cause of an illness and offer a complete cure.  Forgiveness heals the cause and is a cure.

Forgiving allows you to fly with the eagles by setting you free from the dark and poisonous energy that internally rots our bodies.  Never lose sight of the fact the energy is everything.  By holding on to hatred, resentment, anger, bitterness, and the proverbial “Life isn’t fair” attitude, these energies work hard on every cell in our bodies, tearing them all down!  With forgiving, you are free, lighthearted, filled with openness and joy, happiness, and physical vitality.

We are now releasing the burden, like lifting a ton of weight off of our tired and aching backs.  There is nothing scary about it.  Not forgiving those who have hurt you poisons you – It doesn’t affect them at all…  “Oh, they’ll get theirs,” you might say!  Those thoughts don’t help you and certainly don’t hurt them. 

Your body, once paying the penalty for non forgiveness, can now be washed clean as virgin snow:  ageless, timeless, and in perfect health.  As we forgive, we bathe ourselves in eternal light and unconditional love!  One of the greatest healers of all time is process of releasing all who have hurt us to their highest good, and living by the law of divine love.  Yes, we have all been hurt, and we have all harmed others.  Therefore, we also need to forgive ourselves for what we’ve done that victimized others, and for any choices we’ve made that have had negative repercussions!

As the phrase goes: “Let the person without sin cast the first stone!”  But when and as we forgive, where are the stones?  There are less and less to throw or be thrown! 

Live for today and be healthy!

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.” Buddha

With this wise quote, we see why living for today is a great tool for our health and well being!

Keep in mind that there is only now.  The past and the future don’t exist, as they are only an illusion.  Therefore, we disconnect from reality by living for yesterday or tomorrow, where we sever our ties with eternal source, light and love! 

Whatever happened before, it is over with!  Let it go, release it, pronounce that you’re at peace, and engage in laughter.  None of it can hurt you anymore,,. You are no longer a prisoner of memories.  Just take the lesson and throw the rest away!  Today is all there is, and live it like you were just born when you woke up this morning!  Look at everything as if you’re seeing it for the very first time!  As the world is new, so is your body!

The future is not yet here, so don’t think about it!  Let go of the fear of getting old, and the terror of all the nightmares that might happen.  Thinking of it truly helps to make all of your fears actually come true, which you don’t want — while living in the here and now helps to guarantee a wonderful future. 

Escaping reality through the dreams of tomorrow, or the terror of what could occur, scatters your energies and dramatically weakens your body!  Don’t dwell on the future for even one moment.  Immerse yourself in all that is right in front of you, like a giggling toddler, engaged in fascination, magic and wonder!  Live in wonder and your body remains like a newborn infant, filled with energy and joy!

Living for ONLY today is an investment in yourself that allows your health to increase – like putting millions of dollars in the bank, sitting back and just watching it all grow.

Let us now feel a new birth!  We are reborn right at this very moment!  We have claimed our perfect health and well being by living in harmony with all that has been ours by divine right all along.

We are most likely all quite familiar with the old mainstay of: “Actions speak louder than words.”  In fact, we’ve all probably heard it a million times before.  This statement can refer to anyone who claims through their words to care for us so very much, but doesn’t really back up those assertions through their actions and in the way that they treat us. Family members make promises of offering emotional and financial support, then renege, or at least fall short via their actions.  Friends can promise to listen to your troubles when you’re going through a tough time, then not follow through, and let those promises just fade away through their actions.  In these scenarios, we see ourselves, as well as the other parties involved, illustrating this old mainstay, both playing out one piece of this two-part puzzle.

But what if we look at: “Actions speak louder than words” from the perspective of only one person carrying out both the actions and the words?  One person plays out both roles.  There is no love interest or another party involved – just you and your relationship to yourself.  Is what you’re doing really the same thing as what you’re saying?  And if not, why?

So many examples come to mind when we think of our actions speaking louder than our words:  “I want a real relationship with a wonderful man,” a woman claims.  However, she only dates married, involved or unattainable men.  Obviously, her actions don’t match the claim of her words.

“I really want to be thin,” a man declares.  However, he overeats daily, and refuses to modify his eating habits to lose weight. 

“I want to be a great success in my career,” a young man boldly proclaims.  In reality, though, he is lazy, wants something for nothing, and doesn’t work hard in his career at all.

Most people don’t really try and look at their underlying issues and problems, which create and perpetuate this dichotomy.  However, it is absolutely crucial to get to the bottom of why our actions and words are not the same, if we ever want to be successful in life.

Not understanding your emotional buttons

Often, we just may not know what our emotional triggers are.  We could believe that somehow our issues are not because of us, but just the luck of the draw.  You know the old clichés:  “Some of us are lucky and some of us aren’t.”  “Life really sucks.”  “Things just don’t work out for me.”   

As mentioned above, this woman could merely think that she can’t control who she chooses to love; it just happens.  It’s like the concepts of:  “I got bit by the love bug” or “Love is blind.”  Without taking responsibility for her choices in love (as of course they are always her choices), her actions and words remain at odds with each other.

With that mindset, she won’t heal her romantic life as she is caught in a pattern.  It doesn’t matter that she isn’t aware of such a pattern.  It still creates the reality of bringing her the same type of men over and over again.  She may not understand her mechanisms, yet she must learn to do so if she wishes to change her situation and manifest her dream of a successful romantic relationship.  In this instance, what she really wants,  to only be with men who are married, involved, or unattainable, contradicts what she says,  “I want a real relationship.”  Since she doesn’t know any better, she needs to make the journey of self-discovery to come to terms with what she really feels – not just fall back on what she verbally claims to feel. 

Here are the reasons for her conflict:  She has a strong fear of commitment, which is based on witnessing her parents viciously fight throughout her childhood.  Then when she was 18, her parent’s marriage ended in a nasty divorce and nothing was ever resolved between her mother and father.  This experience of her first 18 years, laid the foundation for her tremendous fear of commitment (which she is unaware of). 

Within her emotions (which represent her actions), commitment equals violence, fighting, torture and imprisonment.  Therefore, she will avoid commitment at all costs and do all she can to only magnetize to and attract men who will not and can not ever give her that commitment.  This way, she stays safe.

One couldn’t tell her to just stop being attracted to the men who she currently desires  – that wouldn’t work.  She needs to first end these relationships to no longer feed the old patterns.  Then, she should work to emotionally come to a place of inner peace with the way her parent’s marriage and divorce shaped and affected her.  By achieving peace with her past, she will naturally move away from wanting married, involved, or unattainable men.   Her attractions will shift toward a better person for her through her healing.  By learning to understand herself, she will now know better emotionally (not just mentally, as represented by her words).  This helps her to manifest her dream of a successful love life.

How big is your denial?

A person in denial is someone who lies to themselves, rationalizes, knows the truth, but refuses to deal with it or face it.  It is usually quite obvious to others when we’re in denial.  Often, our denial is so blatant, that others are in disbelief that we’re actually in it and don’t choose to see it ourselves.

Regarding the man who claims he wants to be thin, yet overeats daily, it would seem obvious to most of us what he is doing.  “Just stop overeating.  Then, you’ll begin to lose the weight,” a friend remarks.  But remember, the man who overeats daily is not willing to acknowledge his own denial.  Why? Because he doesn’t choose to — because he doesn’t want to.  In short, he still wants to overeat.

But by claiming through his words that he wants to lose weight, it actually allows him to keep overeating.  Why?  It’s as if his words indicate that he is attempting to lose weight, even though he is not trying to do so at all.  And if he’s supposedly trying, how can he be criticized?  He could always turn around and say to someone who sheds light on his eating habits, “I’m trying to lose weight and sure I make mistakes, as I’m not perfect. But I’m trying.  Don’t you have issues and problems, too?”  Here, his words also provide a defense.

The words provide a safe hiding place for his actions (to continue overeating), because, with his words, he is saying the right thing.  In this instance, if he stops the words, there is nothing to hide the very obvious reality that he chooses to keep overeating daily and gain weight, so the words serve as the perfect smokescreen.

People can deny anything they want to, and through their words, keep what they’re in denial about going.  I remember a female client who claimed that she wanted more than anything to catch her husband cheating, and then, she would divorce him.  However, when she finally walked in on him in bed with another woman, she denied that there was any sex involved: “They were just laying there and talking,” she said.  So she really didn’t want what her words so boldly stated, as she stayed married to him (as represented by her actions).

We must no longer use words to facilitate our own denial.  If we’re not doing (in our actions) what we’re claiming we want to do through our words, we must immediately start to look at our real motives and intentions, which are always shown by our actions and choices.  By doing so, our actions and words can begin to work in harmony and together.

When fear provides a covert mission

We fight so hard to silence our fears…Often, we don’t know what we’re afraid of, and frequently have no idea of what we’re actually scared of.  This may sound like the craziest thing you’ve ever read, because we all think of fear as anxiety, panic, a fast heartbeat, sweating, raw terror, shaking in our boots, and running for cover – as something we could never not know.  Certainly we think of fear as something we would always be aware of – like how could we not hear a deafeningly loud siren going off?  So how does it make sense to say that we would not even be aware of an energy we’ve felt as so tremendously overwhelming?

Some fears are quite well disguised and well hidden.  These emotional/psychological fears are designed to operate in our inner reality in such a way that we don’t ever know that they are there – at all.  And that is the purpose and covert mission of such fears.  They carefully architect and build walls and defenses within us, deigned to protect us from danger (in these instances, emotional/psychological danger).  Internal brick walls are created and built through our own emotional pain:  resentment, hurt, anger, rage, fear, and any negative emotions we carry. 

This way, our words will indicate what we want on the surface, but our actions (which represent our covert fears), will make sure to not let the request of our words ever come to fruition.  This can occur in many ways: 

1.  Through building walls so thick within us that our verbal requests do not have an open door to manifest in our lives,
2.  To remove and eliminate anything or anyone that threatens these fears,
3.  Avoiding situations and circumstances that challenge the territorial stronghold of these fears, and
4.  Making choices that are self destructive to us.

Regarding the man who verbally claimed he wanted to be successful in his career, his fear of success was the covert fear than undermined him time and time again.  This fear came from a deep seated feeling of inadequacy within him, and not feeling worthy of success as he believed he was “not good enough.”  So his covert fears did their best to assist him in destroying success in his career.

He would refuse to show up on time for work, and would always act as if he was just tied up with things, suggesting that his tardiness was excusable and benign.  He would argue regularly with his boss, ostensibly because he was trying to help the company, and standing up for his employee rights.  In addition, he would be unnecessarily argumentative with co coworkers, which made his co workers not like him at all.  When he had opportunities to legitimately advance within the company, he would drop the ball and not rise to the challenge; therefore, promotions were denied him.

Here we see that the fears within his subconscious mind and internal emotions were acting against his conscious interests, which were for him to be successful in his career.  These inner fears within him were controlling his actions from behind the scenes.  When I first brought this to his attention, he had no idea what I was talking about.

“Are you saying that I am actually sabotaging my own career?” he asked in shock.  My answer to him was, “Absolutely, yes.”  If you think of it, it makes perfect sense if you simply look at his actions.  Again, these fears are supposed to be hidden from conscious view – he is not supposed to know that they are there.  These fears function like a dysfunctional misguided sort of a guardian angel.

“Why would these fears need to be covert?,” you might ask.  Because if they are hidden from our conscious view, these fears are never healed, which means that they can continue to protect us, and here’s what happens:

• Our fears remain in control of us (and we stay emotionally “safe”).
• Our fears go unchallenged (and fear continues to be in control of our lives).
• Our fears cause us to shut down and make self-destructive choices (the longer the fears remain in our consciousness, the worse our lives become).

With covert fears, it is hard for us to determine the nature of the problem, where it begins and how it affects us.  With overt fears, you’re aware of them, so you’ll take steps to deal with them or merely practice avoidance.  If you’re afraid of flying, you won’t get on a plane, or you’ll take a pill to handle it, or if you’re afraid of elevators, you’ll take the stairs. However, with covert fears, they are hard to detect, as they are designed be hidden,;plus, they become a part of our inner make up and go unnoticed, in the same way we don’t pay attention to the functioning of our kidneys, or other organs.  So words provide the perfect cover, a masterful camouflage.

What my client needs to do is to see the conflict between his actions in his career, and his words.  With covert fears, it is a more complex and difficult puzzle to put together.  He, as with all of us, must look at the area or areas of our lives where we verbally say we want something, yet through our actions and choices, we manifest the opposite, or something different from what we verbally state.  By making the journey of uncovering our covert fears, we are set free to have our actions and words work in a unified way.

The result is chaos

Whether we mean it or not, the sum total of all of these actions, motives, feelings and reasons lead us down a path of conflict of confusion.  When we think of it, it’s easy to say the right thing.  Words are easy to come by – we’ve all heard the phrase “Talk is cheap.”  So many times, we use our words as a vehicle of avoidance and denial.  The words provide the illusion that we really mean what we say. 

However, in reality, if our actions don’t back up those words, there’s something wrong, and that is from within us.  And that has to do with the games we play on ourselves:

1. Sometimes we’re not aware or choose to not be aware of the inner conflicts we possess, so we stay in the dark, which perpetuates the conflict between our actions and our words. 
2. We don’t really emotionally want what we verbally claim we do, so the words disguise where we’re really coming from, as indicated by our actions. 
3. We are weak minded, and only want something for nothing, or what comes easily, so the “talk is cheap” cliché applies. 
4. Our fears are in control, and block us from manifesting dreams, or motivate us to only make bad choices, which are contrary to the positive words we state. 
5. We don’t want to face or acknowledge who we really are, as it is not flattering or complimentary to ourselves, so our words put a nice and false front on what we’re really doing.

Realize that with this game, no one wins – as it is us who most certainly lose.  After all, who’s getting fooled in the end?  The solution must come through a marriage of sorts – a partnership that works between our words and our actions, where they are no longer separated, or diametrically opposed to each other…

One and the same

We must work toward our actions and our words being one and the came – it is a tremendously important step for us to achieve on a spiritual level.  When we are in conflict – when we are duplicitous, it is literally like taking two steps forward, then two steps backward.  As God created us in one single divine image, one of utter perfection and invincibility, we must work through all of our “stuff,” and all of our “issues,” with the sole intent of making our actions and our words no different from each other.  Just like we need to have our right leg work in harmony with our left leg, our mind, body and spirit to be on the same page regarding our overall health and well being, we must make our actions and words have a total commitment of unification to each other.

That comes from understanding who we are on a deeper level, coming out of denial, and uncovering our darkest and hard to detect fears.  This takes work, yet it is necessary.  Watch all that you choose and say with diligence and persistence, and observe where you fall short.  Keep uncovering the story of you – your inner workings and their complexities, as unweaving that most complex puzzle is your key.

As we work through this seemingly endless maze, we come to a place of completion, based on clarity, self-honesty, courage, diligence, oneness, simplicity and true purpose…And then, with our actions speaking no louder, no softer, no different — but rather, exactly the same as our words, our dreams will manifest in our lives.

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

I concluded Part 1 of “When self help doesn’t help” with the commitment to writing about why we refuse to heal, and what we need really do to change our negative qualities and behavioral patterns here in Part 2 of this two-part series. As stated in my last blog entry, all of the positive techniques of self-help and self-improvement we seek and utilize: Creative visualizations, affirmations, meditation, etc., do little or no good to improve our lives, unless we face, address, and heal the negativity in our lives – which comes solely from us.

We need to set ourselves free and manifest the lives we dream of – lives that are free from the limitations of the negativity which starts from within and externalizes in our lives! So why is it then, that we refuse to do just that for ourselves…? Does it make any sense for any of us to continue hurting ourselves, and those around us? Why do we get in the way of our own healing, and what must we do to make our lives legitimately successful? Below, I would like to address the reasons why we refuse to heal and change our lives for the better, and what we need to do to bring about positive growth and transformation.

It’s not flattering – Remember, facing our own negative qualities is never easy to do, and it certainly is not flattering to who we like to see ourselves as being. We all have our own self-image of ourselves, and that image is quite different than who we really are. Often, we don’t want to see the ugliness in us, as it doesn’t feel good, and it certainly is not flattering to call ourselves on the carpet for our own “stuff.” It’s even worse when someone else does this to us. How many of us like, or accept another person telling us something not good, or negative about ourselves?

“Don’t tell me that I’m not considerate of you. You always get your way, and we always do what YOU want,” John says to his girlfriend Cindy, who has just expressed her concerns to John regarding how he’s been treating her. However, in reality, it is John who has always been the inconsiderate one: The couple does what John feels like doing, goes where he wants to go, and he is the one who always makes the decisions in the relationship. Everything has to go John’s way, and Cindy complies, until she reaches the breaking point where she just can’t take it anymore. And when she addresses her concerns with John, it is like walking into a hornet’s nest. Why? Because what she is saying (although true), it is not at all flattering to the self-image John has created of himself. Therefore, he turns it all around and hurls it back on her.

Instead of legitimately considering what Cindy is saying, he immediately goes into a mode of attack, which for all intents and purposes, prevents him from healing, as he is refusing to see anyone else’s point of view – in this instance, his devoted girlfriend Cindy’s.

For him to become a better person, what he would need to do is to step outside of his inconsiderate, selfish and controlling ways and start looking at Cindy’s concerns with an open mind. What is she saying? Why is she saying it? John needs to ask himself if he has done these things to Cindy: “Have I been inconsiderate and selfish? Is everything about me?” Remember, it takes great courage to face these questions, as they are not at all flattering to who John perceives himself to be. However, he must heal these issues if he intends on really improving himself as a person. Coming to terms with his inconsiderateness, selfishness and changing his ways to truly consider Cindy’s needs will do infinitely more for his self-improvement than unlimited positive creative visualizations.

Life or death survival — Usually, we immediately go into a defensive mode when someone expresses their concerns to us regarding the negative way we have been treating them. When someone addresses such issues with us, it can trigger our fear of survival. In our own minds, it is as if someone is attacking our very ability to live and breathe. Our fear of staying alive is engaged.

This is a carry over from primitive times, when we really were always in danger of survival – ancient times, say, as when we were living in the jungle. Around every corner and at every turn, we could die – literally. This fear of survival was so deeply branded into our consciousness, that it is still present in our collective and individual psyches.

Today, we hardly face life and death situations and circumstances (as when we lived in the jungle), so this fear of survival is now applied and allocated to emotional and psychological issues: Power plays in the workplace, encroaching on our neighbor’s property, being emotionally confronted when being inconsiderate, feeling challenged when we are playing mind games, someone questioning us regarding our need to be in control, being threatened by emotional intimacy in a relationship, and the list goes on and on…

That’s how fear works – it is always about survival. When someone confronts us about who we are or what we’ve done, it is a reflexive knee jerk reaction that frequently takes place within us. We must defend ourselves!!! But it is this very defensiveness that prevents us from healing our lives. We won’t really grow as long as we need to see ourselves in a light that is only designed to make us feel warm and fuzzy about ourselves. It is paramount that we must be willing and open to see our actions, choices, thoughts and deeds for the negativity and ugliness that they are.

If we just continue to react, as if someone has literally just pulled a gun on us, we won’t be able to even begin to grasp what we need to do to heal our lives. What we should do is to observe ourselves if and when we feel like we’re going to overreact in an inappropriate way, and instead, step back, take a deep breath, and NOT react. All of the self help books in the world won’t matter, as long as we react like we’re fighting to stay alive – simply through inappropriate triggers, based on our interactions with others in our day to day lives.

“Would you stop emailing me and leave me alone,” Joanne shrieks at her new boyfriend? “I’ll get back to you when I have time, OK,” she fires back in an email response! Here, the real reason as to why Joanne is reacting this way is not because she is busy or because she has things to do; it is based on her fear of survival.

Joanne was recently divorced, and now feels that commitment equals being in a prison (even though she won’t acknowledge that fact). As she felt trapped in a miserable marriage for twenty years, now her fear of closeness and commitment is as strong as a wild animal of the jungle who is afraid of being caged. In her fearful mind, she has been set free (through her divorce from an emotionally imprisoning marriage), and does not want to get trapped again. Joanne reacted disproportionately and therefore, showed her true colors – that she is afraid, in fact, terrified. “Of exactly what,” you might question? Of intimacy and commitment.

So when her new boyfriend Steve emailed her several times as he hadn’t heard from her and was worried about her, she attacked him like a wild animal who had been backed into a corner. Was Steve being pesty? No, not at all, as he and Joanne had been communicating multiple times daily for 10 weeks, and now, he hadn’t heard back from her in 9 days. It would make perfect sense as to why he was concerned.

So what does Joanne do then? Should she just continue reacting in this way, time and time again? Of course not. Joanne needs to stop overreacting, and begin observing her behavior honestly, without blinders on, or the following mental scapegoats: “I don’t want to be bothered right now — I’m in a bad mood – He’s too smothering,” etc. These scapegoats only obfuscate the real issues at play, which is her fear of intimacy and commitment, plain and simple.

All of the positive affirmations she could say will not really help her, as her issue is how her fear of survival is connected and bound to her intimate relationships; based on what she had been through in her marriage and divorce. Now, she must face it, address it and heal it, if she really is committed to self-improvement.

The big payoff – When we engage in negative behavior, we often like to make excuses: “I’m the victim — I’ve been wronged before — I don’t know why I did it — I didn’t mean to — It’s your fault.” These rationalizations may sound quite generic, because they are. These excuses don’t begin to explain the real answers as to why we engage in and perpetuate bad behavior. In reality, there are always reasons as to why we act in certain ways – and those reasons constitute an emotional psychological payoff for us – often, a big ugly payoff.

In the same way we do things based on our positive needs, such as eating to stay alive; we also do things based on our negative needs, such as certain husbands who cheat on their wives for their own sense of ego, excitement and recreation. Needs, whether positive or negative, always seek to be nourished.

“I met this young hot girl who was flirting with me, and I just had to go for it,” Jerry says. “I’m not getting divorced; this was just a fun thing, you know, to make me feel good, and to get a little wild.” Here, Jerry receives a big payoff; one that is ripe with negativity, but nonetheless, a payoff: Needing to inflate his ego, excitement, and wanting to feel a sense of adventure. These motives are not ones that most of us would consider endearing – yet they do explain Jerry’s payoff.

Keep in mind that we are conditioned to think of “our needs” as somehow being synonymous with something that is healthy or good for us as well as others. In actuality, needs can be either positive or negative as mentioned above, yet most of us don’t like to think of the payoff we’re receiving in negative terms. If we see the payoff as negative, then we can’t justify continuing to engage in bad behavior that is harmful to ourselves and others. In the short of it, doing the negative stuff feels good to us in some way, or we wouldn’t keep doing it.

Bullies, whether children or adults, love to physically hurt others. They get off on it. Their fist doesn’t just inadvertently fly into some other person’s face randomly. It is on purpose, and creates a big payoff: Feeling powerful, establishing superiority and dominance, intimidating others, feeling in control, and releasing their anger and hostility onto others, which makes them feel relieved as they’ve unloaded their anger on someone else and therefore, have vented their frustrations. All of these motives are quite ugly, yet they are real for those who engage in this type of activity, as it creates a big payoff.

With the example of an emotional psychological payoff, we get something out of our negative behavior – a dark reward prize. So how do we convince people in this mindset to go change their ways? Should we recommend that they end their big payoff? Think of it, how can we make the case to go from something (even though it is not good) to nothing? That won’t work. What we need to do, is to replace the negative payoff with a positive payoff. One that helps others and enriches everyone’s lives!

So if someone is working on self-help, they must begin to redirect their negative payoffs to positive ones. First, acknowledging what they’re doing without blinders on is the initial step. Then, they must systematically redirect their choices from bad to good – and that won’t be easy. However, it must be done. Meditating all day long will do very little good, if one continues to seek and indulge in negative payoffs in their life. By building on positive payoffs, legitimate self-improvement will occur.

It takes hard work – A lot of people think of self-help in a very superficial way: Say some affirmations, burn some candles, do a few cleansings and you’re in business. However, the real self-improvement we seek through self help is hard work and not accomplished overnight. As I said in last week’s newsletter, it’s where you separate the men from the boys, metaphorically – those who work hard versus those who are looking for a quick and easy fix. And it’s all about facing the worst qualities you have, and tackling them head on. In the same way you couldn’t lose 50 pounds in a week, it takes consistent and diligent effort to really improve ourselves.

“Ok Jim, I know I’ve dated some rotten losers, but now I want the right man for me, so where is he? I did some affirmations and visualizations, and I’m ready to meet Mr. Right,” a client impatiently states. Here, we see that this person is looking for a quick fix, but is she really willing to do any real work to manifest her heart’s desire? Coming to terms with why she liked bad men, and reprogramming her needs and desires to now be healthy are things that she needs to do for herself. Our emotional natures do not change overnight and must be healed and redirected by hard work throughout time.

Not just in this client’s case, but for all of us, there is no quick fix to truly self improve. This is exactly why people who only approach self-help from a superficial level simply don’t get there. The real key is to be prepared for hard work – and know that diligent and consistent effort really does help you to manifest your dreams, more than any amount of aura cleansings will. If you take it one simple day at a time, you’ll get there.

The ego gets attached – When we look at the reasons why we don’t really improve when working on self-help, one of the most overlooked issues is how our egos get attached to certain things – in this instance, negative things. The ego likes to have its way, and get what it wants – and it is stubborn and resistant to growth. So whatever negative qualities our ego is attached to, creates problems for us. We may be into lying, because we like getting away with things and fooling people, or arguing with others to prove that we are right. Many of us like winning at everything and can’t accept losing – even at something as basic as checkers. But when the ego is in the way, our attempts at self-help prove to be of little or no value.

George is a man who always has to be right. He’ll argue over politics, religion, and just about anything at all. With this mindset, he never listens or learns – he just keeps trying to force his self-righteous opinions (falsely stated as facts) upon others. “Don’t tell me who will be the right president. I already know, and I will tell you,” George exclaims! When someone else states an opposing point of view, George immediately cuts them off, while dismissing their insights as hogwash. “Oh you don’t know what you’re talking about, and you’re wrong as wrong can be,” George firmly states.

So here, George refuses to listen and learn, which only strengthens the density and darkness of his ego. If he ever wishes to take advantage of his efforts to improve his life, he must first learn to build his reality without the ugliness of his ego. Not just in George’s case, but for all of us, this is something we all must do, as removing this aspect of the ego opens infinite doors to self-improvement.

Be self-honest — When we are engaging in negative behavior, we hardly want to acknowledge such behaviors for what they are. Instead, we try and keep it all hidden, rationalized, and disguised. Why? Because, then the negative behavior does not have to be healed or changed and we still get to do what it is that we want to do. Meaning, the negative payoff we are receiving can still keep paying dividends to us. In cut to the chase terms, we won’t have to grow or truly change. Often, excuses can provide a distraction from looking at the real issues.

“I’m working on myself and I’m sorry that I’m not perfect, but I’m trying,” a woman says. “I do yoga and go to therapy.” But here, this woman is also engaging in an extra marital affair behind her husband’s back with her best friend’s husband. She is not addressing this issue and not being self-honest about it at all. She isn’t discussing it in therapy, or trying to stop the affair. She just thinks that by going to therapy and doing yoga that somehow she will improve as a person.

We must work at being self-honest, and calling a spade a spade. This requires removing the blinder and justifications, and looking at ourselves, and our actions in a very sobering way. It is like splashing cold water in your face early in the morning. It can be quite startling.

We must regularly question our motives, and keep probing as to why we do what we do – over and over again, especially when we hurt ourselves and others. We must think of real self-improvement very much like peeling away the layers of an onion. It is a long and involved process. All of the self-help techniques in the world will not help us to heal, while we are still engaging in negative and destructive behaviors. We must work at being self-honest, which is a vital key to real self-help and self-improvement.

Don’t be offended – Don’t be offended by seeing yourself in ways that are not flattering. Remember, we are all flawed, and that’s OK! Don’t hold on to a defensive stance like a person who can never be confronted about anything. We have all known that type of individual. They’ll blow up and counterattack you for anything you say, unless it is exactly what they want to hear. Don’t be that that way, as you’ll make yourself and others utterly miserable.

There are many psychological / emotional reasons as to why we don’t deal with our own “stuff.” It is not flattering to face one’s own demons. To acknowledge that we are engaging in ugly or negative behavior without any excuses or rationalizations can make us look like a “bad person.” So, instead, we choose to avoid such seemingly self-incriminating thoughts and perceptions.

But we shouldn’t think of ourselves as bad people – we don’t need to look at ourselves as if we have been branded with a “bad person” branding iron right across the forehead, no matter what our issues are. A negative issue should be looked at enthusiastically as something we need to heal. Don’t let any negative possibility of who you are and what you’ve done offend you, as there is absolutely nothing to be offended about.

“Let the person without sin throw the first stone,” is a great Biblical phrase of truth. I would like to take it even further: We have all reincarnated more times than we can count and all of us have all done horrible things, yes – just awful things — worse than we could now imagine. We have all committed murder – that’s right, every one of us has killed, as we all have performed unconscionable acts in one lifetime or another…

So let’s drop the vanity, armor, defenses, ego and walls that prevent others from addressing their concerns with our negative behavior toward them, and look at who we are from an honest perspective – one that allows us to really achieve the self-improvement we have struggled to manifest for so long.

Really look in the mirror – Let’s take a look at the woman mentioned above who was betraying her husband through an extra marital affair with her best friend’s husband. She didn’t address the affair in therapy and avoided a real opportunity for growth. If she is really committed to self improvement, she should bring this subject up with her therapist and attempt to get to the bottom of the reasons as to why she was doing this. As therapy can indeed be a tool for transformation, she needs to take this opportunity for self help by really looking in the mirror.

“Why am I betraying my husband? Why am I also betraying my best friend? What am I trying to accomplish through this affair? Why won’t I stop the affair? What are my real motives for doing this?” These are the questions she should be looking to answer.

Of course her first response will be that she’s attracted to her best friend’s husband and can’t help it. But she cannot stop there. She must work to getting to the core of her real motivations and own them without excuses.

She is bored with her husband as he presents no challenge to her, and therefore, wants excitement in her life. She also feels competitive with her best friend. What better way would there be to win, and flex her muscle against this friend, then by having an affair with her husband. It is an ultimate display of power and victory, in the darkest way. She won’t let the affair go as she is too wrapped up into the ego gratification of: winning, excitement, getting away with it, being in control, and like a master manipulator, the one who’s calling all of the shots.

Through her acknowledging these facts, she can begin to use the tools for self help (in this instance, therapy), to really help herself grow as a person, and truly change her life for the better!

In conclusion – In the same way you wouldn’t perform surgery on yourself blindfolded, you must open your eyes and look truthfully at yourself when using self help tools and techniques. These tools for transformation are only useful if you’re really willing to look in the mirror and face your demons – not sweep them under the rug and avoid them. We must be willing to make a deep commitment to unlocking the truth, through making a journey within that is not light and fluffy, but deep, real and life altering.

Also, please do not view looking at, addressing and healing your negative issues and qualities as being a punitive process. You are not being punished, but rather, becoming enlightened and healed! The long and endless journey of discovering you is perhaps the greatest journey of all – one that will help you to be a better being for all of eternity. The more you understand and heal yourself, the more you will gain universal knowledge of everything under the sun. The pathway to enlightenment through self-help is one of facing and healing the ugliest and darkest parts of ourselves. It is removing the negative that helps to set us free, not merely adding positive on top of what is already negative. That does virtually nothing.

Whatever our worst qualities are, God loves us unconditionally. But that is not enough… We must make the journey to always become closer to the image God has created us in – one of not just talking the talk, but walking the walk – and we do that by facing, addressing, and healing all that is dark, ugly and negative within us – and that work will transform our lives for the better — forever.

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

In Part 1 of this writing, I will attempt to shed light on when and why self help doesn’t work.  So many of us have tried to improve our lives for so long, and still end up coming short.  But there are reasons why…

In recent decades, self-help, spirituality, therapy, and inner healing have all become tools for transformation that an increasing number of people have utilized.  As we look at where things are at now, we often forget how it used to be.  Fifty to sixty years ago, most people did not do creative visualizations or go to see a therapist.  A person who went to a therapist was considered, more or less, to be “crazy.”  With that stigmatization, many people denied themselves the help they may have desperately needed, and just hobbled through life, often in a destructive downward spiral.  However, nowadays, it is commonplace for people to go to see a psychologist or psychiatrist; in fact, there hardly seems to be any stigmatization whatsoever regarding being in therapy any more.  It is even often seen as admirable:  “Look at him, he’s trying to heal his issues,” many would say about a man in counseling.

Meditation, self help books and seminars, new age philosophy and workshops, all designed to help you become a better you, have now become a huge worldwide industry.  Once considered a fringe or “out there” kind of a thing decade’s prior, these tools for transformation are now regarded as a “normal” part of our society.  People often try everything: from yoga to meditation, reading multiple self-help books, therapy, affirmations, visualizations, to attending seminars. 

But why is it then, that so many people find themselves coming up utterly short and still being terribly frustrated after working so long and hard on themselves?  Why are their lives not functioning or working anywhere near the degree that they want them do – even after years or decades of working on “getting there?”  Why doesn’t self help work for them?

The main reason why most people who work on self improvement don’t manifest the life they want, is that while they’re attempting to manifest the positive, they simultaneously refuse to face, deal with and heal the negative.  I am referring here to their own negativity, which comes from within.  If this negativity is not faced head on, addressed and healed, the attempts at manifesting a positive life will prove to produce little or no results.  Working on the positive does not in and of itself replace the negative, as these issues must be directly healed, if one really wants to manifest a better journey.

It would be like having cancer, and working on producing beautiful and smooth skin.  What would improving your skin have to do with healing the cancer within?  Even worse, by ignoring it, the cancer will most certainly spread.  Think of it like the old Biblical concept:  A house built on sinking sand will never last.  If the foundation within us is negative, whatever we try and build on it (in this instance, a positive life), will certainly sink.

In the short of it, we must face and heal our own worst qualities, which cripple ourselves, others, and prevent us from manifesting our dreams.  Keep in mind that I am not referring here to egregious crimes that certain people commit.  Hardly any of us engage in such crimes as: Assault, murder, child molestation, and armed robbery.  Statistically, most of us will never be arrested. 

I’m speaking of the negativity that starts within us which affects all aspects of our journey both internally and externally – our relationship to ourselves, and how we treat others.  And yes, it is quite ugly, even though these qualities are usually socially acceptable – or at the very least, tolerated in society.  Keep in mind that all of these qualities help to prevent us from growing spiritually and reaching our dreams.  Each one of these examples illustrated below, will hinder us from self-improvement.  Here, I would like to further define and illustrate the negativity I’ve been touching on above:

I’m a good person no matter how poorly I treat others – This is perhaps the most fundamental and common problem that prevents people from manifesting the self-improvement they’re working toward.  When we do negative things to others, we should not add the word “but” after it.  The word “but” negates, excuses or justifies the bad act.  However, this type of pardon when we use the “but” word, is extremely commonplace.  Ask yourself, “How many people simply state that they are a bad person — period?” Hardly anybody.  Many of us want to do whatever it is that we want to do, with little or no regard for how it affects others, yet still at the end of the day, hold onto the thought of “But I’m a good person.”

“I know I hurt him when I didn’t pay him back the money I borrowed, but I’m a good person,” a woman says regarding a male friend she just financially exploited.  “My finances have been really tight, and he has enough money anyway,” she further rationalizes.  Here, we see how this woman is trying do exactly what she wants to do with no regard for the other person she is hurting, yet still conclude with the concept that she is still a good person when it’s all said and done. 

This woman also would not take his calls regarding him getting his money back, refused to explain her financial situation to him, or to give him the chance to understand where she was coming from.  If she would have put the energy into trying to somehow work things out with him; even asking for a time extension, requesting to pay him back in smaller increments, or just telling him what her problems were, the situation may have been able to be resolved positively.  Instead, she uses her energy to proclaim that she is a good person, which is simply a way of her needing to make herself feel OK for what she’s done, when she could have tried to fix this issue between herself and her male friend.

Lying, manipulation, and deception – Often, we create an excuse or rationalization as to why we would lie, manipulate and deceive.  Most of us who are working on self-improvement, would not feel OK just doing such things without qualifying it in our own minds.  Yet qualifying it prevents us from facing and healing it. 

“I had to lie to my boss, as I might have gotten fired if he knew I that I kept using company time for my own private project,” a company employee says.  This man may think he got away with it, but this type of lie creates negative karma.  Why?  Because whenever we take away another person’s ability to make a choice, we indeed create negative karma.  Here, this employee is not giving his boss the chance to make HIS choice – whether to accept his actions, reprimand him, or terminate his employment.  This sort of action may seem benign, as if, who would ever know?  However, just because one isn’t caught, doesn’t mean that their action doesn’t affect their journey.  This choice of lying to his boss helps to keep this company employee in an insincere and deceptive vibration, which doesn’t lend itself to spiritual growth.

Cheating on our partners – With cheating being done behind the back of our partner, he or she is not only denied their ability to make a choice, but their well being, and physical health (regarding sexually transmitted diseases) is completely disregarded and put at serious risk.

“I told my husband that I needed to go to the west coast to deal with a family matter.  But I’m actually going to meet a man I’ve been corresponding with over the Internet and have sex with him.  I don’t mean to hurt my husband, but I’m so bored in my marriage, and just need a little excitement,” a bored housewive explains.

Here, by this wife cheating on her husband, she creates negative karma.  She is denying her husband his ability to make a choice, deceiving him and also putting him at risk.  If she told him what she was really going to the west coast for, he might possibly accept such a choice, try and work on saving the marriage, or request a divorce.  But through being cheated on, he is having the wool pulled over his eyes, so to speak, and is denied his divine right to make his choice.  This action brings down the vibration of the wife who is doing it, and therefore, makes it harder for her to enlighten herself through self-help techniques, while engaging in such activity.

Using others for our own selfish gain – When we see someone else as a vehicle to benefit us (at the other person’s sole expense with no regard for their well being), it is an act that holds us hostage to a negative internal vibration, which holds us back from legitimate growth.

“This person had some information I needed for a new career project I want to launch, so I took her to lunch several times and played the game like I was interested in her as a person.  I wasn’t really interested in her as a friend, so much, but just wanted to pick her brain and get the info I needed,” a male entrepreneur confesses.

This entire act and motive displays the germ of its defeat in its inception.  With no regard for the other person, it creates a negative energy.  Here, it is not a question of whether he got what he wanted or not.  He did get what he wanted, and fooled the other person in the process.  Yet his motivation was faulty from the beginning.  As so many of us base our perception of our actions on the fact of whether we get what we want or not, our actions become OK (in our own minds) if we can get what we want in the end.  We’ll find a way to make ourselves feel OK, as we know inside that what we did was wrong, but still, insist on feeling good about it!  This is a rationalization that still allows us to have our way, but still excuses the fact that we hurt another in the process.  However, actions that harm or exploit others are never beneficial to actual self-improvement, and are not neutralized or negated by creative visualizations or positive affirmations. 

Selfishness masquerading as altruism – Many people pretend that they’re acting out of selflessness and for the good of others, when in actuality, they have a self-centered and selfish agenda all along.

I knew a man who would always go out of his way to help people, supposedly because he cared for people and the human race.   He claimed his motives were completely altruistic and of a humanitarian nature.  However, as I got to know him better, I observed something about him every time he did something for another.  He always was looking for something in return.  He either wanted to be approved of and told how wonderful he was, have these people be indebted toward him so they owed him (which put him in the position of power), or he wanted a definite favor in return.  Yet he would always try and present himself as the person who was just a do-gooder for others, as if his actions were coming from a higher place of consciousness.  The disingenuousness of his actions held him back from really growing in the way he claimed he wanted to, as these choices were of self-interest and not the self-delusional premise of humanitarianism he presented them to be.  If he simply learns to help others with no basis of self-interest, he will evolve as a person.

Meanness justified through victimization – There are those who excuse their own mean acts toward others, based on supposed or past hurts that are not related to the current situation at all.

“Hey, I don’t mean to treat you so terribly, but I’m still not over my last relationship,” a woman says to her new boyfriend.  This woman is choosing to make her new boyfriend pay the price for what supposedly happened to her before.  This new man really does care for her, and is trying his very best to please her. However, she keeps treating him badly, ostensibly because she was hurt before.  This type of treatment of him keeps both parties in a state of arrested development.  Through punishing him, she perpetuates and reinforces the negative vibration she has been in for quite some time herself.  By proclaiming herself to be the victim, this game can keep going, potentially indefinitely.  Even if this man sees through her game, she can maybe find other men who would at least initially buy into her as the victim.  The reason it is a game is because this woman is doing absolutely nothing to try and heal her “issues” from the past.  She admits what she’s doing, yet keeps doing it anyway.

On top of it, it was eventually discovered that she was not representing her “victimization” accurately or correctly at all.  She had twisted the story of her past to make herself out to be a victim.  Therefore, she can illicit false sympathy, which she can get, as men who have been attracted to her buy into her as the victim – after all, a victim supposedly just needs a little TLC and patience for everything to work out.  (There is something quite romantic about saving a wounded person through your love.)

So initially, she is seen as a sympathetic character, which reinforces to a man that he can feel comfortable in moving forward with the relationship.  This woman is not working on healing her issues, which prevents her from internal growth and improvement, as her actions are based on a sort of a character she’s created to manipulate and punish men she’s involved with.  She needs to let this sensibility go to stop the repetitive, old and destructive patterns.

Interrupting and not listening to others we’ve wronged – Interrupting is clearly a way of shutting people out and not listening.  In addition, when we refuse to listen to those who we’ve wronged, we add insult to injury.

I knew a woman who interrupted constantly.  In fact, one couldn’t complete a sentence without her cutting them off, changing the subject, or simply talking over them.  After a while, it became apparent that this woman wasn’t interested in really hearing anything anyone else was saying to her.  It was always about her – her proving her point, her being right and not really blending with anyone else.  How could this person begin to really improve herself, when she can’t even listen to another person’s opinion?

Worse that that, though, is that when she wronged someone, she would refuse to listen to them when they needed to express their hurt to her.  I remember a male friend of hers sent a letter to her as to why he wanted to end their friendship, detailing the many hurts that she had inflicted on him.  Instead of listening and trying to understand, she fired back counter attacks and took absolutely no responsibility for her actions.  This man needed to be heard, which could have saved, or at least partially saved the friendship.  However, her refusal to even acknowledge what she had done terminated the bond. 

Ego gets in the way – Most of us don’t like to be told or feel that we’re wrong.  Often, when we’ve hurt others, our ego and defense mechanisms don’t want to take responsibility for our actions. Therefore, we turn it back around on the person or persons we’ve hurt, which creates even more negative karma that the original negative act we did.

“My friend told me that I was the one who was inconsiderate for not showing up for the plans we made,” a man says.  “I had to remind her of the times that I didn’t like the way that she handled certain situations, and also, how I had something come up and completely forgot our plans.  Why should I apologize to her?”

In this instance, this man’s ego is in the way.  Instead of putting himself in the place of his friend, who was sincerely upset and hurt that the plans they mutually agree to weren’t followed through on by him, he turned it around on her.  Citing erroneous examples of what she did before, and rationalizing why he didn’t show up, allows his ego to win and be victorious.  When this happen, we further dig ourselves deeper into a negative spiritual vibration.

This type of thing could be turned around even further yet, so that this man pretends that he has to forgive her for her “overreaction,” and even performs a bogus forgiveness meditation.  The appropriate thing to have done, would have simply been for him to apologize and make it up to her.  With that apology, he would grow, she would feel better and the vibration within him and her is elevated and lifted higher.

Holding anyone in a mental place of anger, resentment, and punishment – To spiritually evolve and improve our lives, we must hold everyone, especially those who we feel have hurt us in a place of absolute forgiveness and unconditional love.

 “I hate my mother,” a young woman flatly states.  “She allowed my father to abuse me when I was a child, and did absolutely nothing to protect me.  I wish she would die and rot in hell.  Whenever I think of her, I wish that she would go through exactly what I’ve been through.”  Here, this hatred will poison this young woman, and bring her life down immeasurably.  And like with most of us who feel this way, something really did happen.  Hardly anyone makes it up, or fantasizes something like this.

But the way the universe is set up, is that whatever we wish upon others, will come back to us.  There isn’t an exemption clause to this universal law that states that it is Ok to wish bad upon those who have legitimately caused us pain.  This law applies across the board.  For this young woman, this is her issue that needs to be healed.  Meditating more, for example, won’t heal this problem, as she needs to face it and work on healing how she feels toward her mother and finding peace in her heart.

Holding onto negative emotions from before — Often, we feel we can’t let go, or we simply choose to not release the negative emotions within ourselves regarding our past experiences.  Remember, heaven is not a physical place, like Los Angeles, California that you can take a plane to get to.  It is a state of consciousness.  To be in a heavenly state here, or on the other side, we must cleanse and rid ourselves of the internal negative emotions regarding our past experiences.

 “Jim, you don’t know what I’ve been through.  I have been divorced three times, and my first ex husband abused me.  How do you expect me to let go of that,” a client questions?  “So don’t tell me to let go of the pain, when you haven’t lived through it.”

Here, we see how this person is trying to validate holding onto their pain.  It would be like having an excruciating, debilitating headache, and attacking a doctor who was trying to help the person get rid of it.  Of course, no one knows what any other person has been through.  That goes without saying.

But in this instance, this person could read all of the self help books in the world, but until they work on the real problem, which is letting go of the pain of three failed marriages, it will do little or no good to help this person improve their life. They must not obfuscate the problem, and face it for what it is – and then, they will truly begin healing their journey.

Finding comfort in being a victim – It can be so safe to be a victim.  “Why,” you might ask?  Because a victim can never be blamed; they are not responsible for their life; they can feel sorry for themselves; and when things don’t work out, it is always someone else’s fault. It can also illicit sympathy from others.

“I don’t care about anything anymore,” a man says. “ Everything I have tried has never worked, so I’m just giving up.  Nothing will ever work for me, and everyone has treated me badly.”  This man is sealing his own fate by pronouncing out loud into the power of the spoken word that things will never work out, as they never have before.  What he doesn’t realize, though, is that he is holding on to the identity of being a victim, and with that, there is a comfort.  Think of it: No chances, no failure, no risk, and no self blame.  It is utterly safe.  To wallow in self-pity and feel sorry for oneself, becomes its own perverse type of comfort and prevents internal growth.  No amount of affirming positive blessings changes this, as the problem must be faced for what is really is.

Being closed and blocked within — When we are internally closed to something, we won’t be able to manifest it.  As the great metaphysical master Florence Shinn said, “A blessing can never come to you, it must come through you.”  Meaning, we must be an open channel for God to bring us a blessing. 

Often, I’ve seen clients claim they want something desperately, like a new romantic relationship.  However, they are actually internally closed to it.  This could be based on past hurt, fears, and issues that have not been resolved from before.  So they’re actually shut down, even though they may not know it or be willing to admit it.

It’s like pulling oneself in opposite directions — there is a war within.  With these blocks, a new and positive lover won’t come into the person’s life.  They must work diligently on removing the blocks, by coming to terms with what the problems actually are.  It isn’t just a matter of affirming that these blocks disappear or reinforcing the positive.  We must acknowledge what we’re trying to let go of, as how could we heal something, if we don’t know what it is that we’re trying to heal?  By removing these internal blocks through honest acknowledgement and healing, the door can be opened for someone new and wonderful to enter the person’s life.

What I’ve attempted to do in Part 1 of this writing is to explain many of the reasons why and when self-help doesn’t work.  In Part 2, I will tackle the concept of why people fight against healing their negative issues and refuse to heal.   For self-help to really work for us, we must be self-honest, work hard, along with facing reality.  These keys are the true tools we need for positive transformation in our lives and that is the ultimate goal, which I will attempt to address n Part 2 of “When self-help doesn’t help!”

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

“When I am going to hear from him?  Is it in within the hour, today, tomorrow – tell me… WHEN!!!!!???  I had a hang up call earlier – that HAD to be him, right?  I’ve talked to 50 other readers, and they ALL say he is my soul mate!  When are we going to get married?  I knoooooow he loves me!”

You might perceive the scenario just stated as exaggerated, and hard to imagine, but it is indeed absolutely real.  Welcome to the world of psychic addiction, where frantic and desperate people repeat the same questions to multiple readers over and over, day and night.  Obsessively and compulsively, readers are called constantly by clients seeking reassurance, hand holding, and most of all, comfort.  Like a tape loop that soothingly plays over and over:  “This person loves you and is absolutely your soul mate.  This is God’s destiny, and of course you will be with them forever and ever.  You need to be patient!  Patience is one of your lessons, dear.”

 Are these clients looking for legitimate and clear answers, or to simply have their psychic addiction fed?  Well, that depends. Sometimes a client is so centered in their lower self (the obsessive emotions, ego, arrogance, self destructive and denial mechanisms), that they refuse to hear or receive anything other than what they already believe to be true. 

The ego and emotions want to be spoon-fed everything already believed as gospel truth right back to them, with no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  Often these clients do whatever they can to maneuver the reading to get the preconceived results they want.  They even go so far as to pretend they really want to hear the truth, only to find fault with ethical readers who disagree with them, as a scapegoat.

On the other hand, there are those who really want to grow, break the addiction, and heal their lives.  Their higher self (their spiritual self, strength and connection to God’s infinite wisdom), is looking for the truth, which brings them out of their own fog into clarity, honesty, accurate counsel and potential peace of mind.  These clients do indeed listen, and at least look at what comes through from spirit with an open mind; therefore, they grow out of negative patterns.  Sometimes that happens quickly, and other times it is more laborious, but they do get there!

And there are those who are struggling between their lower and higher self, literally at war with themselves.  These clients display mixed results, as I’ve witnessed over thirty years of offering readings.  I’ve often been pleasantly surprised at how certain individuals pull themselves up by the bootstraps, so to speak. 

As I have had successful long-term relationships with many clients for decades, each and every reading has been a vehicle for continual growth, dealing with the issues that come up, and forging new ground.  It has been thrilling for me to see lots of my clients manifest their dreams.

On the flip side of the coin, though, I’ve seen people literally self destruct and destroy their lives through negative choices, and a defiant refusal to listen to anything other than what they are currently dead set on believing.  These people continually call countless readers, praising those who accommodate their ego and emotions, no matter how dark those energies may be, constantly craving the fix of having their erroneous belief systems validated at all costs.

When someone is psychically addicted though, and doesn’t want to be helped, they usually call me just once for a few minutes, don’t like what I have to say to them and never call me again.  As I don’t feed the addiction, which angers them, they immediately find another reader amongst the plethora of psychics out there who will do whatever it takes to “keep the meter running.”

I often say to these clients, “If you’ve heard the same answer from 50 other readers, why are you wanting to me to simply feed back to you what they’ve already said to you?  That won’t really help you.  If the other readers are so right, why are you calling me?”  Because it’s like a drug addiction – if you were recently just high, it wears off, and you need another fix.  It is the same thing with psychic addiction – a client craves to hear the same information: “He’s gonna call.  He’s not having sex with her.  She’s just a friend.  He’s a really great guy who’s just been hurt before.  Of course he loves you even though he isn’t calling you.  He’s the one.”   The addicted client needs to hear it again and again, as the reading becomes the fix and the validation of what they demand to hear.

Right there, something is obviously wrong.  While I understand that these are people in real pain, it is not healthy financially, emotionally or spiritually for a client to give that type of power away to any psychic and a reading.  An honest session should never be based on what other readers have said.  Stating that 50 other readers say it’s so is designed to manipulate, twisting the arm of a reader to feed the addiction.

Any reader that doesn’t validate the fantasy, denial and addiction of the client is labeled as DOOM AND GLOOM – AND NEGATIVE!  That label has been thrust on me many times for not buying into client’s addictive fantasies. With that stigmatization, any positive benefits that could help the client heal and take control of their lives are lost.

Some clients can’t grasp how some readers see things differently, as if 50 readers saying the same thing must make it true.  Hearing that many psychics say the same thing has the effect of adding credibility to the fantasy and denial.  I try to explain to them that readings are not a majority rules type of situation, and in any profession, different professionals disagree. One reader can get it right, while 50 other readers may get it wrong. 

What’s terrible, though, and unfortunately real, are psychics who scam vulnerable clients who are in psychic addiction.  If the readings themselves don’t bring the desired results the client craves, the next step is often buying spells, paid candle burnings, and hexes to achieve the desired results.  

“Honey, I can bring him back to you,” the reader reassures.  “Really, honestly, how much would it cost,” whimpers the client? The reader pauses and gently whispers, “Well, I don’t like to charge for this type of thing, as it is God’s work, but it will take a lot of time.  What can you afford?”  “I don’t know, I mean I’m not sure,” the client clumsily fumbles.  “Well, for this intense of work, I would need at least $20,000 dollars,” the reader asserts.  “Well, I guess I could take a second mortgage on my house,” the client says.  “Yes honey, it is worth it, as this love is meant to be and then he will be with you forever,” the reader reassures. 

Of course, after the reader did not pull off being God, and the client is on the verge of bankruptcy, the client’s life often crumbles.  Broke, disappointed and disillusioned, the client may not know where to turn.  The client has been fed this diet of false hope for so long; months, years and even decades, that so much valuable time has been lost.  That time could have been devoted to growth and a truly positive journey. 

You might wonder to yourself, “How could anyone be so easily played?”  My response may surprise you when I say, “Don’t be so quick to judge anyone’s choices.”  Any of us have been vulnerable at different times in our journey, and capable of choices and judgments that are not healthy.  Keep in mind that when any of us are intensely emotionally engaged, we can all lose our perspective and center.  It’s a question of how far one is willing to take it.  For example: There are jilted lovers who literally murder their exes based on jealousy and rage, while others simply go out and find someone else after one relationship doesn’t work out!

 So when is someone experiencing psychic addiction?  Here are some tell tale signs:

• Calling multiple readers with the same questions repetitively, frequently and sometimes daily.
• Hearing the same answer from multiple readers, and still needing to call for more readings for even more reassurance of the exact same answers.
• Inability to make a decision in life without calling a reader.
• Still calling with the same questions, even though the time frame for those predictions hasn’t passed yet.
• Spending more than they can afford, and not curbing the spending, even they’re experiencing enormous financial burdens.
• Refusing to accept a different viewpoint of their situation, even when alternate viewpoints are intelligently and supportively stated.
• Willing to do whatever it takes to get their wishes met through a reader, including spells and hexes.

Some of the things you can to do to break the addiction cycle:

• If you’re going to call, set a budget and stick to it.
• Only call when in a calm state if mind.
• Before you call, ask yourself some questions:  Has the time period passed regarding past predictions?  Is there anything new you need to focus on for your growth?
• Read over notes from past readings, and see if this takes away the urge to call.  If it only wants to make you call more, than it may be an addictive pattern, especially if nothing has changed.
• Draw upon support from family and / or friends who have your best interests at heart.
• Consider seeing or talking to an addiction specialist. 

Ultimately, who is responsible for psychic addiction?  Is it those readers who play on the vulnerabilities of innocent people, or is the client who uses the reader as their fix?  In reality, it is both.  Just like the slave needs the slave driver, both sides feed off of each other, and keep the cycle going.

Like any God given gift, psychic ability can be used for positive or negative purposes.  For example:  having money is a blessing from God, but it can be used as a tool to facilitate arrogance, selfishness and greed.  The money in and of itself is not negative, but the application mentioned here is.

Looking for spiritual guidance, accurate predictions and healthy insight is a completely different issue than psychic addiction.  Every reading you get should be able to help facilitate growth, channel messages from those in spirit, and encourage prosperity and well-being in every area of your journey.  These people make their OWN decisions – I just advise and offer counsel, which is what any reader should do!  With the perception out there of psychics being scam artists, that last thing needed is for readers to reinforce those stereotypes.

 As a client, always maintain control of your journey and your destiny.  It is important to consider whatever is coming through, but never become addicted to hearing what your emotional desires crave to hear.  If you do ever become psychically addicted, draw upon whatever support is there for you to break the addiction – whether from a therapist, an ethical psychic or spiritual teacher, friends, or family!  Always remember, you’re meant to be in the driver’s seat of your journey – not anyone else!

 If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

 What is now?  Is it simply the day we’re living in – as in today is Mondaythe 10th of August 2009?  We chronicle all the events of the physical world through times and dates that happen in successive moments that pass.  One may say, “Today I got up late at 7:00 but still made it to work on time by 8:30.”  Once it’s 8:30, we can’t go back and change what we did at 7:00.  That moment, in time, is already done and over with.  This indicates to us a sense of progression in our daily lives – as a story from point A to point B and so on.  It can be very much like watching a movie.

Regarding time in the physical world, let’s consider the following proposition: Person A sets their watch to 10 years into the future, while person B adjusts their watch to 5 years ago in the past while both of them still try to live a normal life today.  Now if we considered this as an experiment to do, what would most people say regarding our little proposition?  They would of course, laugh and say, “Adjust your watches to today’s date and time.”  So in the physical sense of time, all of us would agree that we should have all of our clocks and watches set to the this current moment.

In addition to time in the physical world, there is also the sense of time within us.  How do we relate to the past, present and future internally?  What time and date do we live in inside ourselves?  Certainly, most of us function in the current day we’re physically in: going to work, making dinner, going to bed etc.  However, are we living in the present tense within, or are we internally living in the past, or perhaps the future?  It may be hard to gage as to whether we are centered in today, the past or possibly tomorrow, and if so, to what degree, as there is not a easily tangible watch to determine this, or a clock on the wall to look at which would provide a clear and decisive answer.

For example, when we wake up in the morning on a sunny day where nothing extreme is going on in our lives, what and how do we feel?  For those of us who are living in the pain and hurt of the past, the day will appear heavy, not pleasant, troublesome or labor some to a certain degree without any apparent external reason.  Why?  Because living in the negativity of the past weighs us down, saps out vitality and makes today appear less promising.  Whatever the issues are: a childhood trauma where peace has yet to occur, a tragic death of a loved one that is still haunting us, a relationship that has failed where no one better has yet replaced them, or any number of disappointments, the hurt of the past takes away the natural joy of all that this very day has to offer us.  It’s as if the misery of what happened before smudges our glasses with dirt and mud; what we see then is not at all clear.

A common example of living in the past occurs when we have been wounded before in love and we now meet someone who is really attracted to us on a healthy and legitimate level.  They do everything right, but we mistrust them and project them as someone who is bad — just like the others we have been with before where things didn’t turn out right.  Since we have been hurt before, the pain of the past comes up to haunt us and potentially ruin what is right here in front of us.  The panic feels real!  The suffering happened – it’s not made up; so therefore, it must be occurring again… This is what our fears misconstrue and muster up.

If the pain of the past eclipses openness to this new relationship, the potential union will most certainly fail.  And it is hard to let go of this baggage while trying to give someone a chance.  We should have come to peace with the negativity of what happened in the past in prior negative relationships before getting involved with someone.  It’s similar to attempting to lose weight while you’re competing for an athletic trophy.  The baggage should have been shed before the competition.  Here we see how the past can really derail our efforts and short-circuit our blessings of today.

For those of us who are living in the future, it’s as if today doesn’t really exist.  Whatever is present in the moment: the sun, birds, or fresh air is dismissed or disregarded, all to be able to escape into an internal world of fantasy, where at some yet to be determined point in the future, things will be great!  Living in the future separates us from the wonderful now that is right in front of us and leaves us in a state of fuzzy, warm and glowing projections in our own mind that have yet to occur.  “When I finally meet HIM, I’m going to be happy,” a woman says.  “When I get that new fantastic job I’ve been waiting for, then I can finally feel good,” a man states.  However, these things have yet to occur and should not be dwelled upon.  In reality, all we have is today, so all we should focus on is the now.

Living in the future may appear to be a better option than living in the past, but it really isn’t.  The future falsely takes us away from what we need to do and how we need to be present in the here and now.  It’s as if we’re Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz – there is a brighter future out there… somewhere… over the rainbow…I’ll keep dreaming…But there’s one huge problem with this.  The future, like the past, does not exist.

Even in the Wizard of Oz, it all turns out to be not real by the end of the film.  The rainbow and dreams Dorothy was searching for are not there; or somewhere far off in the distance.  Her dreams are right here!  It scatters our energies to dwell in the illusive future and through this dissipating of energy, we prevent our blessings from coming to us today.  Living in the future is like taking all of your money and just dreamily throwing it to the heavens.  The money would scatter to the four winds and be all gone.

It is worth noting that there is a difference between living in the future and planning for the future.  Obviously, emotionally living for tomorrow is not good for us and can be illustrated by the following point.  If someone said, “My future is going to be great because I’m going to win the lottery and be rich tomorrow,” that would be living in the future in a non beneficial way.  On the other hand, planning for the future is a completely different matter and something we should do.  Here is an example of someone who is living for today while planning for the future:  “I do my best day by day and I save $100.00 every month to plan for the future.”  Obviously, we all have to make choices that set up the best possible tomorrow, all the while being aware that what we choose to do today does indeed set up tomorrow. 

Perhaps the great spiritual teacher Florence Shinn said it best when she offered her metaphysical interpretation of living in the past and in the future.  She stated that the two robbers who were on each side of Jesus when he was being crucified: one on the right side and the other on left side weren’t merely common criminals.  They were robbers of something much more profound – one robber who she called “the past,” stole the gift of today by keeping us stuck in the past.  The other robber, referred to as “the future,” also took the gift of today away from us by keeping us lost in the future.

Above, we have been taking a look at various examples of how people live in the past or the future.  Keep in mind that can only be done within, not in the external world.  It’s not as if you could physically be in kindergarten again.  So regarding the past and the future, do they actually exist at all?  Time as we know it in the physical world has been long proven an illusion by physics.  So as we watch the clock, moment-by-moment, time is only an illusion to document and chronicle all that happens here on earth in a way that makes sense to us in our current human form.  Outside of the physical world, time is non-existent, therefore, there really is no past or future.

The now we have a hard time with is the internal now.  With that in mind, how could it possibly make any sense at all for any of us to live for yesterday or tomorrow within?  As it disconnects us from today, which is all there is, our goal then should always be to eternally live in the moment.  However, how do we achieve this, especially when we’ve been scarred by the past, or feel the need to escape our current unhappy circumstances by projecting into a potentially better future?

Let’s first take a look at how to let go of living in the past. To no longer stay stuck in the past, it is really about your attitude and intent.  Ask yourself what you really want to do with the pain, hurt and disappointment of yesterday.  Are you holding on to it all?  Do you identify with the pain of the past?  Is it a friend and comfortable in some way?  Is living in the misery of yesterday easier then letting it all go and risking what is familiar to try to live for today?

If so, that needs to change.  If you really and truly want to let the negativity of the past go, you can and will.  Your desire is what is most important.  Ninety percent of the battle is having a true, passionate desire to release it and let it all go.  When your commitment is rock solid, God will provide you with all of the tools that are necessary every step of the way:  whether a therapist, a psychic, a friend, a book, or whatever.  If there are struggles, that’s OK.  What counts is which one is the winner: either staying stuck in the past or living for today.  If you can’t get out of the past on a given day, affirm out loud:  I am at peace with my past and I now celebrate living happily and joyously in the wonderful now!”  Do not give up!

Regarding living in the future, the problem is not as apparent as living in the past.  Why?  Because one could argue that we have to set goals and project what we want for our lives down the road.  So in that sense, one could easily live for tomorrow, where living for yesterday clearly provides no new opportunities.  Even if you have future goals, though, don’t emotionally live for the victory of tomorrow.  Don’t sit back and proclaim, “When I have a lot of money, then I’ll be happy.”  Do what you can do today and live for this moment as you help to create the life you desire.  I’ve seen many people disconnect from the day they’re in by dreaming of a non-existent future.  So much energy is wasted that way.  Do what you can do now, which sets up the future in a positive way but again, don’t escape today by living in tomorrow.

Here are some easy and powerful tools to live in this moment:  Look all around you and be grateful!  Bless the past, let go of the hurts from before and release it to divine love from deep within with all of your strength.  It isn’t rocket science.  It’s easier than you think.  By letting it all go to divine love where all conditions are permanently perfect, it is over with!  You are free – and you are at peace.  It isn’t so important what actually happened physically back then – it is how it is still affecting you!  By letting go, it no longer has power over you!  You can be happy in this moment!

Dwelling on the future is living for what has yet to actually happen and disconnects you from the glorious moment of this very day!  The future doesn’t exist — it has yet to occur, therefore, it shouldn’t be used as a vehicle to escape or run away from being present in this moment!  To live right here, right now takes consistent effort, but it must be done.

Living in the moment – this very moment is one of the most profound things any of us can do.  Why?  Because by living in this moment, we erase all of the sorrow of the past, we stop scattering our energies by focusing on the future – we are right here, right now!

Being in this very moment internally, not just merely externally is what we need to do – and be.  Most of us are living in the physical moment – living out the activities of our lives. It is that mundane sense of now that most of us understand and live in.  However, it is the internal state of now that very few of us really understand or master but as we grow spiritually, it is mandatory to do so, not just a pipe dream of feel good spiritual talk.  Getting it mentally does little or nothing to keep us in this moment.  It must gotten in the gut – where real change occurs, down to the core of our inner being.   Without now, we have nothing.  It would be like trying to drive a car blindfold.  The past and the future blind us, yet we still keep driving that car – until it crashes.

Watch your thoughts, words, actions and choices daily!  When drifting into the future as an escape, bring yourself back to the present!  Don’t dwell on things that are yet to be!  Don’t escape today by trying to fantasize tomorrow.  Whatever is in front of you, make the most of it!  If you’re feeling like you need to run away from life through the future, bring yourself right back to reality through doing something loving for someone else.  This helps you to get out of yourself and keeps you prospering in the present.  In any instance when you’re helping someone, you’ve just hit the jackpot.

Through living in the “Now,” this most important three-letter word, we also connect with another most vital and eternal three-letter word – as “God” reflects eternity and all that is in this glorious moment for our highest good and the greater good of all, we connect to eternity and forever through living right here, right now – with Now and God being one and the same, divine love envelops and nurtures us through our eyes that look at everything as if we’re seeing it for the first time — by no longer stepping outside of reality into the past or the future – but by living as God created us to live – right there, right now.

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

Here is the second half of “10 Undeniable Red Flags – Part 2.”  In this writing, I attempt to further establish the following two points: First, by denying the red flags shown to us in our relationships with others, the damage that occurs in our life doesn’t just last for the duration of the relationship.  It carries on indefinitely.  Secondly, and on the other hand, when we heed the warnings of the red flags and act accordingly, our lives change irrevocably for the better, often leading to the fulfillment of our dreams. 

6-An apple is not an orange
When we’re attracted to somebody, or desperate, or especially lonely, it’s so easy to compromise our principles and values with the hope of making a relationship work.  However, nothing lasts in the long run that is unnatural for either party.  Just as an apple is not an orange, we will never be able to be anything other than ourselves in a relationship — nor will the other person.  And when either person tries to be someone other than themselves, the
relationship eventually falls apart.  Worse than that, though, is when we try to make the other person be who and what we expect them to be, or vice versa… If we want to stand a chance at a successful relationship, we must accept others and ourselves as we are.  Who we are truly represents our values, and those values define our goals and dreams.

Take a look at your goals and your dreams.  Are they being met in a particular relationship?  If they’re not, don’t escape into denial and fantasy and pretend that things are ok when they’re clearly not.  The right person will help you to manifest your goals and dreams; not take you further away from them.  Whether it is owning a business, having a home, making a certain amount of money, wanting to have a family or not, a faithful and honest
relationship, or anything else that is important to you, it should never be denied for the sake of a relationship.  When goals and dreams are unfulfilled, and either party is not allowed to be who they are, it all leads to failure — sooner or later.

This is exactly what happened to Amy and Mark.  After a couple of months of dating, Mark decided to move in with Amy.  The red flags started appearing within weeks of the two living together.  Amy was cheap and saved every penny, while Mark was generous with his money. Since Amy didn’t like this about Mark, she started criticizing him for his spending habits:  “Mark, I don’t want to have to take care of you financially if you spend so much money that you go broke.  You need to stop spending right now,” she warned.  Since Mark didn’t immediately heed her financial advice, she started punishing him by ignoring him periodically and
withholding sex. 

After four months into the relationship, Mark decided to change his financial habits, and stopped spending money.  He didn’t do this because he thought it was the right thing to do, but because he believed he could become who and what Amy wanted.  Mark went into denial, and continued to hope that things would somehow work out, all because he wanted the relationship to succeed.  At the same time, Amy refused to budge, as she was bound and determined to make Mark into who she wanted him to be.  For a while, Mark started to lose his identity in the relationship.

They both ignored these huge red flags and got married about seven months into the relationship anyway.  After the honeymoon, things got worse.  Amy became more paranoid about the couples finances, as they were now jointly intertwined.  Mark, no longer able to be someone he wasn’t, went back to spending his money as he always had.  Because of this, the couple’s sex life dwindled, as the financial issues created a barrier between the two, which limited their intimacy.  Amy became more critical and withholding – and Mark foolishly thought that by hanging in there, things would
somehow have to get better in time.

After six long and miserable years of marriage, the couple finally divorced.  However, that wasn’t the end of their problems, as the experience made Amy resentful, bitter, and shut down; therefore, she’s remained alone for ten years.  Mark became afraid of commitment and intimacy because he felt trapped in the marriage, so he got involved with more edgy women who were always fun, yet non-committal and unfaithful.  Here we see how the repercussions from the red flags that were denied still affect the lives of both Amy and Mark today. 

There is a lot that can be learned from the story of Amy and Mark as you look at your own relationships.  Never forget to be honest with who you are – and honest about who the other person is.   Just think of how it would sound if someone came up to you and proclaimed, “I am so upset that this apple in my hands in not an orange.  How can I make it into an orange?  Why isn’t it an orange, since I don’t want it to be an apple?”  The same thing applies to people.  We are who we are, and that is represented by our values, goals and dreams – none of which can be denied if we want to have a ruly successful relationship. 

7-Everybody counts
By the mere fact that a relationship involves two people, it would seem clear that both people’s needs should be considered.  As everybody counts, no one should be treated disrespectfully. However, that is certainly not always the case, as most of us have experienced firsthand in our relationships: whether romantically, in friendships, with family, and/or in our careers.  And there are so many ways that someone shows us that we don’t count.  A prime example of this is when someone we’re romantically involved with doesn’t make time for us…

When your lover refuses to make time for you, it is clearly a huge red flag.  After all, who wants to only be sort of in the picture – maybe every once in a while?  Often, someone puts you on the shelf, and only deals with you when it is convenient for them.  People can always use the excuse that they’re busy – sure, the whole world is busy.  Or, they just blow you off and ignore you.  But in reality, one always does what’s important to them, and if someone doesn’t make time for you, it clearly indicates the real lack of value they feel toward you. 

This is exactly what happened to Joe in his relationship with Heather, a woman he’s been with for a year.  She kept repeatedly telling him that she was busy when he tried to make plans with her. “Joe, I’m busy on Monday, and I’ve got to see my family this Tuesday, and the girls are getting together on Wednesday.  Maybe we could get together Thursday, but I think I have to help my girlfriend move that day,” Heather said.  “I’ll get back to you and
let you know,” she added.  These may all sound like plausible excuses from a busy girl, but Heather hasn’t made time for Joe in over a month.  These are just this week’s agenda of pre-existing activities that prevent her from seeing him.  Realistically, Heather just doesn’t value Joe all too much – that is clear.

As it should be with any healthy relationship, Heather needs to make time for Joe.  She should be offering him one of the most generous gifts of all, the gift of time – not only in quantity, but also with quality.  However, she refuses to do so, and it certainly frustrates Joe.  He’s even tried to address this with Heather multiple times, but she just blows it off or simply makes excuses for her actions.  Even with this red flag, Joe refused to exit the relationship, because Joe doesn’t feel deserving of being treated well.  He just escaped into the denial that she would eventually make more time for him.  So now he’s been in the same pattern with Heather now going on five years.  Just think if Joe would have extricated himself from this relationship based on the red flags early on.  He would have been in a different position today – potentially with a much better person for him than Heather…

In addition to not making time for you, another red flag that shows you don’t count is when someone is inconsiderate of you.  Their selfishness and self-centeredness is clearly shown when they dismiss or disregard your needs.  (Remember, a need is something that is essential to one’s well being and survival; not just a want, or a wish.)  Through being inconsiderate, they set the tone and define the limits in the relationship.  Remember, it’s all about them.  It’s their show and they are the star – you’re merely an invited guest if and when it suits them.  This empowers their ego, and allows them to be in control of the situation.  These qualities especially reveal themselves when you’re in a time of crisis, and the other person still demonstrates a lack of consideration for what you’re going through, even then.

This exact thing repeatedly happened to Mike with his brother Omar. Mike’s needs have never been considered by Omar, but Mike has ignored the red flags based on the fact of the old adage that blood is thicker than water.  Omar is all about Omar, and other people’s needs don’t matter to him.  Whether it’s the needs of Mike or anyone else’s, Omar is only looking out for number one, as he is a truly selfish man.

Recently, Mike was devastated about being demoted out of the blue at work (especially because he didn’t feel he deserved it).  Mike was quite angry at his boss, and was considering turning in his resignation the next day.  Clearly, he needed some rational input on this situation, as whatever he did could change the course of his career irrevocably.  So he ignored the issues that have been there, and called his brother:  “Hey Omar, I’m furious about what happened at work.  My boss demoted me today, and I have absolutely no idea why,” Mike said.  What in the heck should I do about this?” he questioned.  “I’m so angry that I’m really thinking about quitting tomorrow, as I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I’ll show him,” Mike vented!

Predictably, Omar was only partially listening to Mike without offering any input in return.  After a minute or so, Omar simply changed the subject to talk about himself.  “Man, I want to go out and get a great steak tonight,” Omar said.  “Doesn’t that sound good?”  In frustration, Mike ended the call, as he knew the issues that had been there all too well.  Yet Mike has always refused to come out of denial, and acknowledge the red flags of how his
brother has always treated him.  Therefore, he gets hurt repeatedly.  However, this time, it had serious consequences.

In confusion and anger, Mike ended up quitting his job the next day.  By quitting impulsively, he had to find work immediately, simply to pay the bills.  This forced him to take the first mediocre job offered to him, which has lead to a string of the same type of positions, which he’s still in today.  Instead, Mike could have bided his time at work, while looking for a new position in his career that could have been good for him. 

Of course, it was Mike’s choice, but two other factors come to mind about this situation: 1-If Mike would have been honest regarding the red flags he’s always known about Omar, he could have reached out to someone else who cares.  That person could have potentially helped him to calm down, and make a rational, non emotional decision.  2-If only Omar would have been considerate of his brother Mike’s needs, the outcome of his career path could have turned out much different, and possibly more positively.

As seen in the case of Joe (with Heather) and Mike (with Omar), the long range consequences for denying and ignoring the red flags that they didn’t count were life altering in a negative way.  We must never lose sight of the fact that the outcomes of our lives turn out radically differently depending on whether or not we heed such warnings. 

8-Talk to me baby
Sherry had been frustrated in her career for years, as she had always wanted to be her own boss.  Making a limited salary was becoming more and more depressing, and she clearly wanted something better.  So she decided to go into business with her friend Karen. Sherry was well aware of the red flags that had been there with Karen, as she had always refused to communicate with Sherry about whatever issues existed between them through the years.  And if she did, Karen would simply try to make Sherry wrong. 

When the two reached impasses before, Karen would not talk to Sherry for a while; refuse to communicate and heal things, giving her the silent treatment as a form of punishment.  Sherry would always eventually be the one to give in, and extend the olive branch just to keep the peace in the relationship.  Karen was egotistical, arrogant, self righteous, and a-know-it-all.  Sherry had low self esteem, and was terrified of being abandoned.
Therefore, she ignored the repeated red flags through the years, while doing her best to maintain the friendship. Even through Sherry knew this all too well, she chose to ignore the red flags, and went into business with Sherry.  Here, she delusionally believed that her dream (a new business) would somehow override the real issues that had been there with Karen.  It’s sort of like saying if you have a broken leg, having a facial will somehow make the broken leg go away. 

So, when the two opened their online business of selling self help and spiritual books, the problems were immediate.  Sherry put up the money and did almost all of the work, while Karen did virtually nothing.  Yet, their agreement called for a 50-50 monetary split.  Sherry addressed her concerns:  “Karen, I feel like I’m carrying the entire load: placing the orders for books, fulfilling orders from clients, and doing the shipping and handling.  Could you at least help out with one of these things?” she questioned.  “So are you my boss now?  You do what you do, and I’ll do what I do.  There’s nothing to talk about.  Just don’t try and control my part of the business,” Karen snapped back.  Here, she refused to communicate at all about these real issues, and tried to emotionally intimidate Sherry.

Sherry tried to suck it up for a good 12 months or so, but eventually the business failed.  She even made one last ditch attempt to communicate with Karen on how to salvage the business, but Karen wouldn’t take her call.  So the two ended up in court over who was going to be liable for the expenses of the business, as it never made a profit, but lost money.  In the end, Sherry ended up paying for virtually everything, and lost a lot of money. 

Just like with Sherry and Karen, any relationship can’t grow without sincere communication.  It can never be about silence, winning, being right, making the other person wrong, and refusing to heal things.  Any relationship can’t be one-sided and still work, as it will reach a breaking point.  It’s just a matter of time.  Real communication is about working together for a greater good, learning and growing together, and understanding each other. 

We can all avoid many pitfalls through observing the saga of Sherry and Karen.  The lack of communication from Karen showed Sherry all she needed to know, but by pretending that something “positive” overrides the red flags that had always been there, Sherry paid dearly for this choice.  In fact, she is still struggling financially today.  This could have all been avoided, if Sherry had just listened to what was clearly shown to her by the red flags
that had been apparent all along.

9-The same old song and dance
For better or worse, our attractions to people are largely defined by who we are internally at any point in time.  This is based on our self-image, self-esteem, identity and values, which help to shape and focus who and what we’re drawn to.   We usually refer to all of these complex internal dynamics as merely being our “type.” Sometimes, our type is represented by something like blond hair and big breasts for a man.  Even if it is merely physical attributes we’re attracted to, it still represents something deeper within us.

Sometimes people pretend that varying physical looks in those they’re attracted to actually make them different from each other. This gives the illusion that they’re not just repeating an unhealthy relationship pattern, when they’re actually choosing the same person in essence over and over again.  Focusing on physical differences is a way of avoiding the real red flags – which are based on the real differences between people.  This is all shown
through their essence, not just their physical selves.  Forget the window dressing – that one guy is tall and dark, while another is short and red haired.  It doesn’t mean anything in and of itself. It is what’s within that separates people. At other times, our “type” is harder to detect, as it is psychologically and emotionally driven.  What we’re attracted to is the energy and essence that a person carries with them.  If a woman likes dangerous and edgy men, that energy and essence is what will attract her to a particular relationship. 

This is the case with Barbara.  When she met Carlos, the attraction was electrifying and immediate, as his essence immediately drew her in.  Edgy, dangerous, exciting, and unfaithful, he represented the same energy of the men she had been with many times before.  The red flags were all over the place: him lying, being inconsistent, game playing, putting her through emotional drama right off the bat, and addictive chemistry.  As with most of us, she was too drawn in and hooked by the chemistry to walk away, so she ignored the countless red flags that were present.  And just like in former relationships, she became preoccupied, overwhelmed, and devastated by the situation.

You might look at Barbara’s situation and wonder, “What can I do if I’m also drawing in lovers who are not good for me?”  Here are some points to realize:  no one can simply tell themselves to stop being attracted to who and what they desire.  Sexual energy is too strong and powerful of a vibration to just turn it off immediately and want someone else simply because they’re a nice person.  As stated earlier, our attractions reflect deeply and profoundly on who and what we are at any given period of our lives. 

So is there anything that we can do if we wish to change that “same old song and dance” to meeting someone new who could be wonderful for us?  There are three things that I would strongly recommend, so let’s take a look at them:

1-Use your intuition — When meeting new people, immediately be aware of the red flags.  Does this new person remind you in any way of your negative exes?  What do your instincts say about them? Certainly, don’t look for this new person to be the right one, as that will cloud your intuition.  And don’t slip into denial, which is easy to do when you want something to work out with someone.  If you’re making any excuses for them, it’s time to cut and run. Remember, your gut won’t lie to you.  Again, ask yourself if they remind you in any way of the negative lovers from your past.

2-Look at the facts — Of course, facts don’t lie – so don’t distort and ignore them.  If someone you’ve just met is married, and you’ve been with married partners before, there’s a red flag. If you’ve been with alcoholics before and this new person drinks, there’s another red flag.  Some “facts” may take longer to come out, as it can take time for the truth to unfold.  As the facts present themselves, make your decisions accordingly, especially
when you are clearly being shown the past patterns you’ve been through before.

3-Change who you are internally and everything changes – Even if we claim to not have a “type,” we will see that there are striking similarities between those we’ve been attracted to.  The answer is not in just meeting new people to find someone supposedly different without first looking at yourself.  You can’t force the outer world to be anything more or other than who you are internally. Therefore, you must change, as you won’t be able to attract someone better, until YOU change internally.  Again, you can’t “turn off” your “turn ons” and stop who and what you’re attracted to.  But by changing within on a deep and real level, who and what you’re attracted to will also change accordingly.  Also, those you draw to yourself will change proportionately as well.  This is not airy-fairy and up in the clouds – it’s quite literal and real.

For Laura, she decided to break her old unsuccessful relationship patterns and change herself.  When she met Ron, the red flags she had experienced so many times before were right there.  He was afraid of commitment, ostensibly because he had been hurt before, so he only wanted to date Laura part time with no real strings attached.  She had already been down this road, and was tired of meeting men who were unavailable and unattainable. 

So she decided to heed the warnings of the red flags, and dumped Ron.  She then stopped dating for a while and proceeded to work on herself.  She came to discover that her problem stemmed from her divorce.  Since it was so nasty, she became soured toward men, relationships and commitment. This put up an internal wall which wouldn’t allow anyone in who would offer commitment to her. 

Laura ended up doing the internal work she needed to come to peace with her divorce.  She blessed her ex husband, wished him well, and really let it all go.  By doing this, she opened her energy to meet someone good for her.  And in time, it all worked out for her, as she met someone who was willing to love her.  This wasn’t an accident or the luck of the draw.  It happened because she healed her internal issues.  Here, she listened to the red flags she saw with Ron, and made a new choice by doing the work within.  This led her to the relationship that was no longer the same old song and dance!  We can do the same!

10-Is sex all there is?
Often, women see sex as a vehicle to solidify a relationship, while men want sex without much of a relationship.  This was the case with Jody and Rod.  When she met him, Jody liked him right away. As there didn’t seem to be any initial red flags, she ended up having sex with him on the second night after they met.  Since the attraction was mutual, their intimacy continued on a regular basis. After a few weeks of this, though, the red flags appeared, as all they ever did was have sex.  Sure, they always talked a bit, hung out at his place and had a few drinks, but the relationship wasn’t
moving forward in any other way.

Because of the “chemistry,” Jody decided to give it a chance, yet the pattern continued.  After three months of this, she was clearly frustrated.  “Rod, all we ever do is have sex.  We never go out on a date  — you never take me anywhere.   I don’t really even know your friends.  Wouldn’t it be nice to go somewhere with your friends?  I’d love to meet them,” Jody stated.  However, Rod wasn’t frustrated with the way things were.  He liked it just as it was. But since he didn’t want to lose the sex he had with Jody, he lied to her:  “Babe, I hear you.  We should go out sometime, and you should meet my friends, too.  Don’t worry – things will change.” As Rod had done this type of thing to many women before, he sounded believable.

At first, Jody was optimistic about what he said to her, but her intuition felt as if something was still wrong.  This was a huge red flag, as intuition doesn’t mislead or lie.  Deep down, she knew that Rob didn’t mean a word of what he said.  Not only did nothing get better, but in fact it actually got worse.  Rob stopped calling her to come over for sex, and just left it up to her to initiate contact with him.  At least before, he’d call her up to come over. So six months after she first met him, Jody ended things with Rob permanently.  He was just using her as a convenience, as sex was really all there was…Even though Jody once felt that what she had with Rob was quite special, the sexual intensity that she experienced with Rob is actually quite common.

Because sex is perhaps the most powerful energy we experience in the physical world, we become overwhelmed, hypnotized, and confused by it.  It is cosmic and atomic by nature, and the act of sex is spiritually transcendent.  Its force can transform and heal us; while conversely, it can devastate and destroy us.  The powerful feelings we experience with sex doesn’t mean that the person we’ve shared this with cares for us, is good for us, or someone who wants a relationship.  We assume that because of the intensity we’ve felt with sex, everything else will somehow fall into place: commitment, communication, fidelity, and so forth.  However, that is not necessarily true.  Thankfully, Jody was smart enough to see the red flags for exactly what they were, and cut her ties with a man who was only offering her one single thing – sex.  And there are many couples who are quite compatible sexually and feel titillating passion, yet have nothing else to offer each other.

For Jody, even though she had mixed emotional feelings about her choice, she knew she did the right thing.  And this was confirmed just a few months later, when she actually met a man who ended up being the one to truly love her.  He was really the right match for her, and vice versa.  Because she had removed what was in the way, the divine universe was able to bring a dream to her!  And the relationship worked, as they married and are happy today!  These dreams are not just for Jody, but for all of us who heed the warnings of the red flags that are ever present for us – as they protect, guide, watch over us, and keep us out of harm’s way every single day.  It is simply our job to listen and act accordingly!

We tend to think that our success and happiness in life is an acquiring process.  What can I do to get what I want?  We visualize, affirm, and pray for our heart’s desire.  Then why don’t our dreams come true, then?  Because often, manifesting our success and happiness is the exact opposite, and a removal process.  We must remove what’s in the way, to become an open vessel for the divine universe to work through.  Red flags will always show you what’s in the way, and what you need to remove.  Become that open channel of all the divine universe affords you and clear the pathway by removing the negative self destructive relationships that are holding everything back, and let your highest blessings and greater good come to you.

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