Voice of the Spirit

 Many people utilize psychics to specifically tell them that things are indeed going to change for the better.  Demanding names, physical descriptions, dates and locations, it’s as if all answers are to be written in stone.  These clients limit a reading to merely yes or no responses; the words “if,” “possibility” or “maybe” don’t exist.  By a client wanting a reader to look at their journey in completely black and white terms, no grey tones are ever acknowledged.  If a psychic doesn’t provide those types of validations, then they are viewed as inferior, negative, not accurate or simply wrong.  When a reader uses the word “if,” it is simply disregarded by these clients.  I have to say that as an advisor, these are the most frustrating types of consultations to give.  Why?  Because life is hardly ever made up of only black and white tones — yes or no answers. 

A reading is a mirror of the pathway that one is currently on and any consultation is based on that road.  Often that pathway needs to change for things to open up in the way the client wishes them to.  In short, it is the client themselves who must change to get what they want.  Since this is often tied into one’s karmic and spiritual lessons, the change is mandatory and not optional for one to manifest their heart’s desire.  The client must grow to get the prize, like studying to do well on an exam.  It is often as clear as the analogy of someone asking when they are going to lose weight as they continue to overeat.  Never forget that a person’s expectations of any reader cannot trump or override the eternal laws of the universe, as life is a series of choices, possibilities, forks in the road and lessons.  Below I would like to address how our need to change manifests in 5 different areas of our lives and what we can do the affect that change for the better.

Money

Money equals vision – the size of our vision.  Whether tiny or as big as the endless skies, how big is your financial vision?  In the Bible, it is stated, “I will give you all of the land that thou seeth.”  This statement applies to money.  You will receive the amount of money you can envision and see.  How much money do you envision?  What are your financial expectations and limitations?

If you expect to be broke, you will stay that way.  We all have heard people complain about being broke.  Some people state it everyday.  What they may not realize is that the more they say it, the stronger it is affirmed and therefore, it becomes a reality.  You might ask, “Doesn’t that seem cruel?  Shouldn’t God give them a break if they’re struggling financially?”  What is important to note is that our reality is largely architected and sculpted by us.  It would be the same thing as wondering why God doesn’t take the wheel of someone driving drunk and recklessly before they crash.  We are in the driver’s seat of our lives, literally and figuratively!  To improve our financial situation, we need to first change our choice of words, by no longer ever saying that we are broke, period.  That alone will change one’s financial situation immeasurably.  By no longer putting it into the power of the spoken word, a tremendous amount of negativity is alleviated from our financial reality, which only helps us monetarily!

Don’t wish for something, you might just get it!  I have heard many clients first ask when their finances are going to improve. Then they tell me that they just want enough money to get by.  I immediately ask them, “You mean to say that you want to be able to pay your bills and then have 20 bucks to go to McDonald’s afterwards?”   In that context, it is quite sobering to hear.  Right then and there, I’ve seen many people change their relationship to money in a heartbeat.  “Jim, I had no idea how I was limiting my wealth through saying such a thing,” one responds.  Let’s replace the initial “Just enough to get by” wish with this request: “I want enough money to be free of lack and limitation forever!”  That change will immediately put into motion prosperity and abundance for all of us!

“I wish someone would give me a financial gift, cause I don’t have enough money to give anything to anyone else,” a client states.  “When will someone do that for me?”  Here, the client has this statement flipped around.  In metaphysical terms, what we wish to receive is what we need to give to someone else.  That will open the door for a monetary blessing to come back to us!  In this instance, one change that would open up finances for this client is to practice tithing.  Giving 10% of one’s income away charitably is a great way to bring in financial abundance to us!  As the great spiritual master Florence Shinn herself said, “To start activity in one’s finances, begin tithing.”

Ask yourself, “Do I deserve to be wealthy?”  If your answer is “no,” or “not really,” then immediately being reinforcing that you do deserve to be wealthy!  If your response is “yes,” but money has not yet come to you, keep reinforcing that you are deserving of prosperity, every single day!  In this instance, it just means that there is still a part of you within that feels unworthy of money, based on low self worth.  It may perhaps be unconscious, but the barriers need to be completely broken through internally to open the floodgates of prosperity for you!

Career

Are you doing what you want, what you love and dream of, or is work just that necessary evil to pay the bills and put food on the table?  Most of us will spend at least one third of our lives working, so it is always best if we love our work, as then it becomes play.  In the simplest of terms, I always recommend for people to do what they love doing and the rest will come; as in the advancement, money, fulfillment and recognition.  Gratitude and appreciation must be at the core of what you’re doing, to really be successful in a substantial and long lasting way. 

However, what is the solution when we’re doing something we don’t like – or worse yet, something we hate, even detest?  What if we don’t know what we want; yet we still don’t like what our current career is?  This could lead people to simply say, “I just want to make a lot of money!  I don’t care what I have to do!”  That type of attitude doesn’t work.  It’s like someone saying that they’re going to start singing today to be rich and famous right away.  They wouldn’t get too far!  The first thing we need to do is to create change, both internally and externally to make our dreams come true.

If you dislike what you’re doing, but don’t really know what your divine calling is, I would recommend to start with this change:  1) – Call upon God’s divine guidance daily to reveal to you your divine career pathway and show you what your perfect career is.  This is important, as you’re surrendering the burden to infinite wisdom.  It may take a while, but sincerely ask for this guidance everyday!  Then, sit back and just wait for your answers.  Don’t look for them, as that can create false leads.  The correct opportunities will come when they’re supposed to as correctly timed by divine mind. 

2) – While you’re waiting for the answers, begin practicing gratitude everyday for the job you currently have.  This is a change I would strongly recommend.  You might question, “Even if I hate it?”  That is precisely why you should build gratitude – because you do hate it!  This way, you turn lemons into lemonade, so to speak.  By developing a positive attitude about whatever it is that you’re currently doing, you open the door to receive more blessings.  Why?  Because negative brings more negative and positive brings more positive.  Make that change by swinging into a better attitude to manifest new career blessings! 

3) – Be willing to take the right steps in physical terms: job interviews, searching all that is available, asking people for leads and knocking on doors!  In short, don’t let your dreams just sit there and turn into pipe dreams.  Turn these dreams into reality by putting yourself out there.  Don’t just do this impulsively or intermittently- do it consistently!  The universe loves the steady energy of us working every day to reach our goals!  This change will be quite powerful for you!  It’s OK if you experience multiple rejections!  Most multi millionaires have failed in business before hitting it big!  They didn’t give up and neither should any of us. Also, start researching ways to make money doing what you like to do!

4) – “I can’t wait any longer.  Nothing seems to be going anywhere in my career,” a frustrated client says.  It’s important to change our attitude in this instance and truly be patient.  Some times tried and true clichés make the point: Rome wasn’t built in a day!  With patience, it allows God’s split second timing to come into play.  Frequently, our timing is based on, “I want what I want right now,” like a child demanding a toy!  However, God’s clock may be different than ours because often, many factors are in play that we could never humanly comprehend or control.  Leave the day, month and year to a higher power!  Also, while you’re waiting for things to unfold, make the change to start giving it your all regarding whatever you’re doing right now.  The divine universe loves a person of positive enthusiasm and will reward you for such enthusiasm.

Ultimately, we shall find the career path which is our divine calling, utilizing our unique one of a kind gifts.  We should always appreciate how we are able to offer our special talents to others, as what we do must benefit, serve and help others.  This way, what we bring to this world through our work is a Godsend for all concerned!

Family & Friends

Friendships, like anything in our lives, need to be maintained.  We can never sit back and expect a friendship to just take care of itself.  If we do, sooner or later, things will go sour.  When we find ourselves being frustrated with our friendships, we must make the changes that are necessary to improve things with those we know, while at the same time, being open to new people who are good for us.

I’ve had many people ask me, “Jim, when am I going to meet some new friends?  I really feel alone in this world.”   Often, as I look at a person in this particular situation, it’s because in reality, they choose to be by themselves.  Even though they may feel lonely, they are comfortable in that aloneness.  Why?  Because they don’t have to give, take a chance of getting hurt again, or sacrifice for others.  In this instance the phrase “To have a friend, you must be willing to be a friend” rings so true.  Often, it’s past hurts and disappointments with others that shut us down.  It’s easy to close ourselves off and find a negative type of solace in being by ourselves; an unhealthy sense of comfort – but eventually it wears us down.  However, we must be willing to make the right changes:  we need to be sincerely open to meeting new people and commit to giving of ourselves to others.  This way, the right people have a doorway to enter into our lives and even if we encounter a few duds at first, good people will make their way into our lives through time.

Sometimes people get frustrated with the friendships they have.  They may feel that their needs and feelings are being ignored and not met.  Little by little, each disappointment builds until a crisis point is reached.  We can’t just bury what we feel and still expect to maintain a friendship in a healthy and reasonable way.  The cornerstone of changing this pattern is through communication. As every friendship has crossroads, crisis points and areas of conflict, we must learn to communicate our needs and address our concerns.  It is exactly in the way these areas are resolved that largely determines the success we will have together.  There is no guarantee as to how each individual person will react to hearing about our frustrations with the friendship we share with them. 

However, we must at least try, because if the person responds favorably, our friendship with them can improve.  Not only does the bond strengthen, but also as people, both parties grow through acknowledging each other and working through conflict together.

Acknowledging those in our lives and being acknowledged is quite powerful.  When any of us are acknowledged, we feel important, special, validated and worthy!  Part of that acknowledgement can be in the form of an apology!  Whatever hurt has occurred, a sincere “I’m sorry” from us or to us is a very healing gift!

In the instances when someone doesn’t receive our concerns openly, we see the limits of the friendship.  We can try and bring about change by voicing our needs and concerns, but it is impossible to force someone to be considerate and listen to us.  It can feel like we’re running into a brick wall, but then at least we know where we stand.  That let’s us determine if it’s worth it for us to: stay in the friendship, set partial limits and boundaries, or completely separate and move on in a different direction in our lives.

As the physical world and all of its affairs are ever evolving, sometimes people just grow apart.  “What happened?  How did we get here?”  Just like you might have had a great little playmate when you were 6 years old, now as a grown adult you no longer have anything in common with this person.  That is OK!  If they were meant to still be there, they would be.  Holding on to what once was, only holds us back!  In these instances, there is nothing that can be done, expect to bless whatever was once there, let it go and hopefully, both parties will move on to more fulfilling friendships.  This change of attitude frees us to enter the next chapters of our journey with new people.  We should always try to be cognizant of all we’ve learned; take the lesson and throw the rest away (meaning the emotions) and by all means, be grateful for all that has been shared!

Even though we pick our family members before we enter an incarnation, we may choose them for lessons other than living happily ever after in a “Leave It To Beaver” household.   Family relationships are often quite complex and it is seldom that anyone gets along famously with everyone in their family.  With these ties being karmic and tying into our past lives, we must realize that there are lessons to learn!  If we’re dissatisfied with members of our family, it is important to look at what changes we can make for the better. 

We can and should try to voice our concerns and needs to our various family members.  Especially since we will be family for this lifetime, countless episodes, experiences, consequences and results will occur between them and us.  Certainly how they respond to us will shape our relationship with them, sometimes in a subtle way, while other times dramatically.  We can only do the best we can and there is no rulebook as to how close or distant we should be with our family members.  These relationships are karmic and must be looked at on a case-by-case basis.  A good guideline, though, is to always try and live by the rule of treating yourself lovingly while treating them lovingly.  Respect is a two-way street!  However, sometimes our deep and intimate emotional needs are simply not able to be met by our family members.  In this instance, God will bring us those who do fulfill us and in that sense, anyone who loves, nurtures and cares for us fills the void left by unfulfilling family relationships!

What all members of a family need to learn will evolve in the same way the plot line of a film evolves – one scene at a time.  As the plot unfolds, it becomes clear what it is we’re here to learn together, our tasks, goals and multiple purposes!  With love as our guide, whatever is the higher purpose becomes the foundation of our varying and often complicated family ties.

Love

Most, if not all of us have been hurt or disappointed in love before.  Even though our pain seems unique to us, we have all been through it in one-way or another.  So many clients ask the million-dollar question, “When am I going to meet the one?”  Although phrased so simplistically, this question often has a very complex answer.  However, one word sums up the basis of the answer:  change!  It is often us who need to change to bring in the right partner.  These changes are not optional; they must be completed to manifest the relationship God has waiting for us. 

1) – Change your emotional expectations.  Based on what you’ve been through before, you do have internal expectations within.  They may be good or bad, even complex, but if you listen without prejudice, you’ll see what your true beliefs are.  If past hurts are not healed, there will be an expectation of disappointment again.  Since it’s what you know through your experience, it becomes what you believe your future holds in store for you.  This must change.  How do we make that happen?  First, we must acknowledge openly what we really feel!  Not just keep asking multiple psychics when “the one” is coming in, all to no avail!  As we acknowledge what we feel, we can replace the negative expectations with positive ones – that indeed our love lives do work out!

2) – Let go of negative lovers.  Negative lovers are poisonous – yes, we learn from them…yes, of course, everything in our lives is a learning experience.  God doesn’t condemn our choices and we have free will to do anything we want…but wait!!  Is the goal to simply experience, or to find happiness?  If the goal is indeed to find long lasting joy with another, we must release and let go of negative lovers.  With each negative lover, it’s like gaining weight.  It you gain 5-10 pounds, losing it is quite doable.  However, if you gained 50-100 pounds over many years, it becomes a serious crisis.  The same destructive effects happen to us through multiple toxic relationships. We become angry, bitter, closed, cynical, self destructive, guilty and caught in a cycle of much heartache.  The sooner harmful unions are let go of for good, the less work, time and healing that has to occur by us to effectively make that change and meet our divine partner!

3) – Open your heart.  Most people I read for who are yet to be in a successful relationship truly believe that they are open – open to love – open to commitment.  They will even argue and defend their position.  “I am absolutely open to love!  I just haven’s met the right person yet, so when are they coming in?”  However, in reality, many are not open to love at all.  It is a smokescreen.  The fears within (based on unresolved past pain) create a protective wall, a wall designed to keep love away!  The former disappointments cause us to go into survival mode, which means that from a knee jerk perspective: love=hurt.  Therefore, love must be blocked from coming in because it will wound us.  A person in this instance either attracts no one, or people who are not really open and never offer a commitment in return. 

This change I’m about to mention is perhaps the most important of all!  Everyday, work on releasing, forgiving, blessing and letting go of all past lovers where negativity and pain have been incurred!  Then, work toward pronouncing out loud everyday that you are open to love and commitment with your perfect divine life partner!  This may take time, as one would be working through a great deal of baggage and a wall with a lot of bricks that built it!  However, don’t give up, as reaching an openness to love from within is the greatest key to bringing in someone wonderful! 

Don’t magnify obstacles!  That’s exactly what your defense mechanisms want because then you can’t get hurt again:  “There’s no one good out there” – “Good lovers are hard to find once you’re older than 21″ – “Where can I meet anyone good anyway?”  “It’s been such a long time!”  But you’re not looking for a lot of lovers!  You’re only looking for the one person who is right for you!  Do not lose sight of the fact that the right person is indeed out there.  But we must unlock the door that we have padlocked (even if we don’t consciously acknowledge or know it) for so long.  That is the change needed to literally change everything! Of course, consider opportunities to meet people as they present themselves.  If you’re looking to pro actively connect with new people, always remember to not get pulled into something negative for you.  The red flags will be there!  As you pass on lovers who are not right, you allow God to have an open door to walk through with the partner who is truly for your highest good!

Health & well-being

If you’ve read my former writings, I’m sure you would have noticed that I put a great deal of emphasis on what comes out of our mouths.  Here, though, I would like to shift that focus to all that we put into our mouths!  Of course, we’ve established that what comes out of our mouths in terms of our words, does change reality – literally.  But what about all that we ingest?  It also changes reality; in ways we may take for granted.  “You are what you eat” is an old mainstay, but how true it is!  I’ve had many clients voice concerns about their health, while at the same time not taking into account all that they take in. 

What is food really for?  Is if comfort when we’re depressed; eating a box of chocolates to ease our frustrations?  Is it there for indulgence; super size, bigger, more..?  Or is it simply there for keep our bodies alive and well?  Like a car needs gasoline, we as physical beings need food for fuel!  Of course we can enjoy at the same time, but our first and foremost concern should be eating healthy and reasonably!  Just like you wouldn’t put dirty or contaminate gas in a car, why would you poison wondrous body!  Many of us diet, than gain the weight back – only to diet again.  Besides the emotional frustration we incur, this roller coaster ride does not promote overall health and well being.  So what do we do then?

We often say that we need to go on a diet.  It sounds like doing some prison time.  But diets come and go.  We must change our relationship to food and change our eating habits and become friends with foods that are nutritious and good for us!  By changing our relationship to what and how much we eat, we being to promote a healthy body!  After we’ve redesigned our eating habits, in addition, we need to emotionally come to terms with what motivated us to eat the way we had in the first place!  Once we alleviate the actual behavior, we should then get to the root cause of why we did so in the first place, as sometimes we just don’t know why.  

Along with our dietary change, exercise is a Godsend.  Whenever God gives us something, there is a reason for it – a profound purpose.  Just like a bee has a stinger and the roots of trees grow deeper in the ground, our bodies serve a functional purpose.  Whether it’s our eyes to see, ears to hear or our legs to walk, we should never take our God given body for granted.  Exercise gives a body respect, pride, health and well-being!  Try not to get so lost in your head – and think that dwelling on the physical is somehow unevolved!  We are in the physical plane! 

Regarding alcohol, cigarettes and recreational drugs, I would recommend for anyone to try understanding why they’re involved in these various habits.  Coming to terms with the reasons why we get into certain habits, helps us to gain clarity, insight and allows ourselves to make new lifestyle choices!  Just like food, though, even if you decide to physically lessen or stop a practice, you must get to the psychological and emotional core of what motivated this behavior.  It is never just a random choice, like driving down highway 1 or 2.   It reflects on who we are, our issues and what we need to heal to achieve the overall health we divinely deserve!  Keep in mind to look at yourself lovingly and without judgment, as you’ll be working through delicate internal issues.

Besides our physical habits, health and well being are completely interwoven into our emotions.  As the great spiritual teacher Florence Shinn said, “For every disease, there is an emotional correspondence.”  We never get sick at random.  For every effect, there is a cause.  Here, we are the cause, helping to create our own illnesses and our internal states of being, even if we don’t realize it.  I’ve seen countless numbers of clients manifest serious illness through not healing their emotional natures and indulging in negative thinking.  The body is the canvas and our emotions and thoughts are the colors and pictures we paint.  Even “rational” doctors today acknowledge that emotions do indeed play a part in our overall health and well being.  In the most obvious sense, serious stress in our daily lives raises blood pressure, for example. 

I remember a female client who made negative choices for a 13 year period where I was reading for her. Back then, she started dating a very uncaring much younger man who took advantage of her financially and cheated on her.  At the time I warned her to get rid of him, as I felt this relationship would have long lasting negative consequences for her.  Unfortunately, she didn’t listen to this warning…It hit me that it would damage her self esteem and for the 2-3 years they “dated,” the damage was done.  His negative and disregarding treatment of her caused to her to really start feeling bad about herself and “not good enough” as a woman.  That led to consistent lower self worth, which began affecting her work and income.  As she was self employed, she started attracting clients who treated her disrespectfully (a mirror of how the above mentioned man treated her) and her income started going downhill.  As this cycle continued over the years (because the original problem was never healed), her income started dramatically plummeting.  This caused her to get seriously stressed. With that stress and the accumulative effect of all of this pain, she couldn’t manifest new and positive clients very well, or any real money as she was in a negative internal state.  All of the combinations of these stresses ultimately lead her to getting seriously ill about a year ago, to the point where she feared dying.  Here, we see how the body is the recipient of emotional choices and from my point of view, all of this suffering could have been prevented, by making positive emotional choices.

It is good to affirm heath and well being everyday, as without our health, what do we really have?  I remember a movie scene were a very rich aging mobster says that he’d give a couple of million dollars just to be able to feel OK for a while.  Here is a great affirmation:  “I am in a constant and perpetual state of complete heath and well being in all parts of me!  I thank God for every blessing I have!”

In addition, we must heal whatever is the root cause of illnesses or any other lack of well being!  Often, the cause doesn’t seem to be related to what our body is experiencing.  For example:  I remember someone experiencing serious indigestion!  I felt that this was due to not appreciating what they had and repeatedly complaining about their life!  That complaining created the indigestion being experienced.  When this person started affirming gratitude for their life and stopped the complaining, the indigestion went away!  What I’m mentioning here are wonderful tools to aid in healing, without any side effects!

As love is the perfect healer of everything and all, we must become a complete circle!  When we love ourselves, love everyone, cherish everything and pronounce gratitude every single day, we have given ourselves the greatest gift of healing imaginable!  For every choice based on love, we contribute to our overall heath and well being!  When we choose fear, resentment, self pity, rage, resentment or any negative emotion; it is like putting repeated doses of poison in our bodies – literally!  We can’t afford to hate anyone or anything, even if it just for the sake of our bodies!  Make unconditional love your foundation, your calling card and best friend and the world with all of its wondrous dreams will be yours! 

Believe me, I know, that changing yourself is the hardest thing that you will ever do!

You already have the tools you need and the lessons are right there in front of you!

If you can take the first steps to change yourself, you can create what you dream of in your life!  Remember, you do have the power! 

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

People are exactly who they are

When we look at the various people in our lives, do we ask ourselves, “Who are they,” or do we pose the question, “Are they who we want them to be?”  Whether it’s our lovers, children, siblings, friends, neighbors, co-workers or anyone for that matter, what are we expecting from others?  Beyond that, what do we have the right to expect – from anyone in our lives?  Below, I attempt to address the opposing conflicts of people being who they are, versus who we want them to be.

First impressions don’t lie

Whether we are aware of our intuition consciously or not, when we first meet someone, we get a gut feeling about them.  It is not conscious or thought out!  It is instantaneous.  What we feel about someone may not make sense at the time, but it is always right.  Our intuition speaks to us with a truth far beyond what outer appearance say about a person. “When I met him, I couldn’t stand him,” a woman recalls.  “But then later, I fell in love with him.  I thought he would change for the better, but he never did.  He turned out to be every bit as bad as I first felt he would be the day when I met him.”  But what happens when we don’t listen to our first impressions?

In the 1960’s there was song by Al Wilson called “The Snake.”  The basic plot line of the song was that a woman found this half frozen snake and took it home to warm it up, nurture it and try to love it.  After stroking its skin and giving it a kiss, the snake returns the favor with a vicious poisonous bite.  The woman is terribly upset, yet the response of the snake is cynical; however truthful:  “You knew I was a snake when you took me in.  What did you expect?”

This story clearly illustrates “the snake” is following and living up to its true nature; it is being who it is.  What was the problem, then?  It was the woman’s expectations: wanting “the snake” to behave in a certain way and expecting it to be grateful to her because she saved it.

There are three pertinent issues here: 1) – Our inability to see people for who and what they really are.  2) – Our expectations that people will treat us in the way we feel we deserve to be treated.  3) – Our expectations that people should treat us in a certain way based on what we’ve done for them or our feelings for them.

See people for who and what they are

If someone looked at a trailer, closed their eyes and asked themselves if it was someday going to become a big beautiful mansion, what would the rational response be?  “Well of course not.  It is just a trailer and will never be a mansion,” would be the obvious answer.  The same thing can be said regarding people.  When you look at a person, you can ask, wish, hope and pray that they are going to be someone or something that fits your needs and wants – but is this really true?

When looking at anybody, you must look beyond your own emotional expectations.  This may seem difficult to do, but it is not if you keep one thing in mind; simply look at the facts.  What does this person say to you?  What do they do?  How are they behaving toward you?  Don’t base your perception of the person in question on your personal needs being fulfilled.  Just look at reality.  A person who never contacts you is not trying to build a connection with you.  Someone who won’t return your phone calls is not developing communication with you.  Someone who ignores you when you pass them by is not really open to a relationship with you.  

Also, don’t romanticize what this person may have been through in the past.  Often, we fantasize that someone has been severely wounded or hurt, as a way of giving them multiple excuses for their behavior regarding us.  It’s as if their negative behavior toward us becomes explainable and excusable if they’ve been “hurt before.”  In my experience as a reader, almost all of the times when I’ve seen someone make excuses for another; it is false and has little or no basis in reality.  As sobering and emotionally frustrating as it may be, the facts speak volumes and shouldn’t be ignored!

Don’t be surprised by someone being themselves

Often we seem to be surprised by someone behaving in the way that they do.  Appearing startled, it’s as if we pretend that we didn’t see it coming.  “Why did my sister treat me this way again, always ignoring me and not returning my phone calls,” a brother questions?  However, is there really anything to be dumbfounded about here?  For most of his life, his sister has ignored him over and over again.  It would be as if every time you ate a certain food, it made you nauseous, but each time it was eaten, you would seem shocked by this occurrence.

Like the old phrase, “a leopard doesn’t change its spots,” his sister has demonstrated the same patterns continually!  So why is her brother surprised, then?  Because he is holding onto the hope that his sister is indeed going to change.  With that hope as the basis of his perception of her, reality becomes like a splash of ice-cold water in the face upon waking.  Since he wants his sister to treat him well so badly, he is willing to exchange hope for reality.  This sets him up to feel like he was blindsided by a truck while calmly driving down the highway.  It’s not that he didn’t see it coming; he chose to not see it coming; therefore, each time that he is disregarded, he goes through the same painful reaction, like scratching an old wound open once again.

If every time you drove down a street full of potholes, your car hit them and damaged the alignment, would you keep driving down the same street?  Illustrated in this way, it almost seems silly to repeat the same choice; but it is indeed the same scenario to set up this predictable emotional hurt again and again.  Instead, if he decided to acknowledge who she is and adjust his expectations accordingly, it sets him up to be much less vulnerable to her negative treatment.  This frees him to first feel better about himself by not allowing her to keep repeatedly victimizing him. 

We can pick our friends, but we obviously can’t pick our family.  Family relationships can be complex, frustrating and are often karmic.  While there are no easy guidelines, I think it’s important to keep certain things in mind: First, you can try to let your family know your needs and see if they are responsive to them.  If they are not open to or considerate of your needs then one has to decide how much to keep the door open.  One can minimalize various family members, but because it is family, it should be decided carefully and on a case by case basis.  In rare instances, ties may need to be dramatically reduced based on issues that simply don’t get resolved.  Always keep in mind, though, that they are simply being who they are, not who we want them to be.

Don’t expect them to change based on your love of them

Love is unconditional.  Real love is without expectation.  Pure love is the highest form of acceptance imaginable!  However, the kind of “love” we’re referring to in this writing, for lack of a better term, can be called “self interest love.”  With “self interest love,” it is that sense of getting what we want.  Unless our desires are fulfilled, we experience the downward spiral of disappointment that first started with fantasy and hope.  Once we realize that he or she isn’t really ever going to change based on our feelings for them, it can be devastating.

“If I continue to love him, I believe that someday he will love me in return,” a woman firmly states.  Here we see how our own emotional expectations define what we believe to actually be truthful about the outcome of a relationship situation.  For any of us who are not involved in those emotions at the time, we could comment on how inaccurate her statement appears to be.  It’s as if she has decided that this is the way it is – end of story.  It’s all based on believing that her love is going to work the miracle: change him, draw him to her and cause him to ultimately love her. 

One could counter with the question, “Why should she love him if he won’t ever love her back?”   Let’s take the question further: Why does anyone love anyone if it won’t ever work out?  First, when we do emotionally commit to someone, we never know the outcome.  However, there is a big difference between hoping someone will love us in return, versus expecting them to do so!  The woman mentioned above has created an expectation sort of like the sureness that most of us have that the sun shall rise in the morning.  Well of course it probably will, but we should refrain from having that same sureness regarding another person giving us what we want, all based on what we feel for them! 

Who loves someone and holds onto those feelings all the while believing that nothing is really ever going to work out anyway?  That would be ridiculous!  That’s like saying I’ll invest in the stock market, knowing I’m going to lose everything I have!  However, hope (within reason) is certainly much more applicable here.  With hope, though, we must also be grounded in reality.  Hope cannot take the place of the facts and the truth of what the other person is doing or not doing regarding us.

However, when our love of another has expectation attached to the belief of changing someone else, it becomes dangerous.  We somehow become justified in our feelings, as if somehow we deserve their love in return.  “I have put a lot into this relationship; therefore I deserve something in return,” a person demands!  This leads to resentment, rage and a possible explosion in our lives.  It’s as if we’re waiting for the birthday present we expected that never comes!

From a higher perspective, try to not base loving someone on changing them, as it doesn’t work that way.  God made us with free will, autonomy and sovereignty.  We are not designed to change based on another’s affection for us.  That is an individual decision, whether it’s emotionally pleasing to us or not!  Rise above that terrible entanglement of the emotions and disappointments that come with the following self-defeating formula:  Love + patience = change of the other person = them loving me in return!

The rescuer expectation

The story of “the snake” given above illustrates an example that gets played out constantly, where a person believes “the snake,” or negative individual involved won’t really end up hurting them.  You might ask, “How could anyone be so blind?”  Because our ego gets involved and the ego wants what it wants!  I believe I’m going to win!  Somehow I will get them to love me, and I will win the battle.  When I do, I’ll feel like a superwoman or a superman!  If a person in this position can get “the snake” to love them, it’s as if they have played the role of God!  In reality, we never love a person like this is spite of their bad qualities; we love them because of their bad qualities!  The badness provides that ultimate challenge and with that challenge, it makes the supposed victory seem so much sweeter.  If you were a boxer, would you feel pumped up knocking out a tiny little 90-pound weakling, or would you need to defeat the heavyweight champion of the world to feel victorious?  Besides feeling merely victorious, the ego projects the essence of being in control through trying to conquer as well.

In these instances, the ego masquerades as being nurturing, caring, kind and even compassionate.  “I have been put in this person’s life to help him heal,” becomes a lofty rationalization.  The illusion of a higher destiny comes into play.  This is merely a smokescreen to hide the true motives behind such actions.  The real motive is that the person wants “the snake” to love them – plain and simple.  And that’s not a bad thing – it just isn’t a higher, compassionate and selfless form of action.  However, with the guise of compassion, one looks admirable in their self-destructive pursuit of people who are like “the snake.” 

Perhaps the root cause of this entire scenario is that the rescuer is trying to actually rescue themselves.  They are attempting to heal their own low self worth through being loved by the other person who is emotionally unattainable (the snake).  It’s as if the validation through being loved is the magic wand that cures everything.  Therefore, “the snake” is given a power over them (in their own mind) equivalent to God Almighty!

But do we ever win this contest?  Depending on the stubbornness and size of our egos, we keep hitting our head against the wall.  Sooner or later, we either get humbled and truly walk away from dangerous relationships, or we keep repeating the same pattern.  At some point, though, we will all get tired of the snakebite, so to speak, and move forward to meet people who truly nurture and care for us!  In this way, we do finally win!

Don’t take it personally

“Judy did it to me again!  Every day I come into work she says something rude and offensive to me.  I’m sick of it,” John exclaims!  Most of us would sympathize with John as no one wants to be addressed in that way.  He took is personally, as most of us would, too.  After all, it was done to him, so why shouldn’t he take it personally?

In reality, though, a person’s behavior toward us has very little to do with who we are, even though what they are doing is being done to us.  It says far more about them than it ever could indicate about ourselves!  Actions are a mirror; a mirror of all that is inside of someone who performs the actions.  We, as individuals merely reflect back to others their own personal inner mirror!  When people attack us, they are in conflict within!  When someone judges us, they are showcasing their internal criticism of themselves.  When someone refuses to acknowledge us, it is a reflection of how they dismiss their own value! 

If that is true, you might say, what can be done then to not take it all so personally?  First, try to gain a perspective that is observational, not reactive.  This way, your emotions, anger and ego are not engaged.  And when you are not drawn in, the treatment of you, however good or bad it is, deflects right off of you and returns to its native nothingness!

Just like when John encounters Judy at work as mentioned above, her actions are about her.  John comes into work, pleasant and friendly, but Judy is mean, slams the door behind her and says something rude.  If you think of it, what did John have to do with this anyway?  Nothing at all…  John’s emotional reaction causes him to initially think that Judy doesn’t do this to anyone else…but that is not true.

Judy has a reputation of being cold, mean, abrupt and terse to virtually everyone.  It just depends on her mood.  It isn’t based on what other people have done or didn’t do to her.  It is built on her ego, arrogance and selfishness.  As her moods overtake the proceedings, she dominates the ambience and the room!  This is all about control!

Remember, when a person conducts themselves in a certain way, it reflects on their level of understanding; their level of consciousness.  Anyone always behaves at their current level of understanding that they possess on a spiritual level.  This way, if you really stop and think about it, it is not about you – it never really is.  With that sense of knowing, it is freeing and liberating to not take it all so personally any longer!

Release the battle and change yourself instead

When it’s all said and done, with all of the energy we put into trying to change people, just think of how much more productive it would be to change ourselves instead?  Don’t worry about carrying the burden of a particular person treating you in a certain way!  Just work on yourself and your reactions to others!  There is an old saying that states that you can’t control other people’s actions, but can control how you react to those actions!  This way, we avoid the obvious frustration of trying to make someone into what we want them to be, therefore, always coming up short.  By releasing the burden and changing ourselves for the better, we become a magnet for new and wonderful people to love us in return — naturally and organically.  Simply by letting go and accepting people for who they are, we set ourselves free!  By doing so, we begin to appreciate ourselves even more and we will magnetize to those who can give something wonderful back to us!  That is the law of the universe – the law of attraction – like attracts like!

In addition, getting off of the roller coaster ride of needing to change people gives us more energy as we’re not drained by that constant push and pull of those types of relationships.  When someone doesn’t change as we have architected them to do, we feel frustrated, anxious, and ultimately as if we have failed!  But this is an unwinnable war!  Sooner or later, we have to throw in the towel…Throwing in the towel is not a defeat, but a victory which allows us the great gift of positive change!  We’re no longer defining our self worth by setting up impossible odds! 

With improved self-esteem, all areas of our lives benefit: health, finance, general well-being and far better relationships will absolutely be ours!  With an improved attitude through releasing the burden and internal change, it is far more likely that all that comes to us will be for our highest good!  It isn’t just the case of letting go of something we want to get nothing in return – period.  By letting go of the battles that can’t be won, we benefit in countless ways endlessly and eternally, bringing to us those who are truly right for us as we are for them!

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

Here in “Working Through Negative Emotions, (Part 2), I hope to go delve deeper through each emotion I’ve chosen to write about here, from the smug safety of cynicism to the often life ending feelings of hopelessness.

As established in Part 1, negative emotions do debilitate and cripple us, and it is paramount for all of us to making the sincere commitment to healing our lives.  We must not give up!  I sincerely hope to offer the perceptive, clarity, insight, exercises, tips and affirmations to assist in this process.  May healing be yours!

Cynicism

When we become cynical, it shuts down our optimism and our hope…  Condemning others, smirking at those deemed foolish, looking down on people… Smug and indifferent, nothing much matters anymore to us as we become cynical.  Through time, this sensibility leads us to becoming more and more closed, even jaded.  And it its own way, it is quite safe.  Why?  Because with cynicism, chances and risks need not be taken.  The cynic sits back on the editorializing sidelines, observes and mocks.  Nothing can move one to any real thunder, positively or negatively.  The hardship of others or even our own suffering doesn’t move us to tears, or feelings of empathy any longer!  Those energies died a long time ago.  

It is a reality of looking irreverently at situations, with an aura of false superiority.  However, some cynics are clever enough to mock themselves also, giving the illusion of being fair:  “I attack you, but I also make fun of myself.  See, we’re even,” one quips.  And it’s all wrapped in a self assured glow of knowing – but knowing what?  That life and its circumstances are a once disappointing, now silly joke! 

Here we’ve lost our dreams; therefore, we dismiss the dreams of others!  We’ve lost our hope, so we scoff at those who are hopeful, deeming them naive and looking through rise colored glasses.  We may feel safe behind this dismissive armor known as criticism, but at what cost to ourselves in the long run?

How did we get here?  If we look at ourselves and our circumstances, very seldom do we change our relationship to life, the universe and our inner reality over night.  It happens throughout time, many experiences and multiple emotional passages.  With cynicism, like most other negative emotions, the process is slow and drawn out…  Sometimes it’s not even perceived as occurring at all…and we’re not supposed to necessarily know it is even happening to us…

The momentum of cynicism often operates in a covert fashion, like a secretive undercover mission.  It’s mostly done behind the scenes of our conscious awareness.  Why?  Because if the person experiencing this process doesn’t consciously know that they are becoming increasingly cynical, these feelings and attitudes cannot be dethroned, uprooted and healed, so they remain.  If we perceive ourselves as being reasonable, there is nothing to look at and address.  Therefore, there IS nothing to heal, allowing the cynicism to grow and remain unchecked, like a disease spreading throughout us that goes undetected and if only marginally perceived, blown off.

“Jim, I know I won’t get the promotion as I’m not connected politically in the office.  I don’t suck up to the right people, so guess what, I won’t get the position.”  I’ve been here before.  Since I don’t play the game, I don’t get promoted, even though I am the most qualified.  Oh well, my career stinks and so does life and I don’t really care at all anymore,” a female client who has thrown in the towel says.  Here we see how cynicism has evolved throughout time based on repeated disappointments in her career and leads to pessimism.  Here, the very cynicism that my client perceives as being real is simply her negative reaction to what has occurred.  And the danger of this mindset is that it keeps the very thing going that she has been so frustrated by.  Believing in a reality most assuredly helps to perpetuate that exact reality and in this instance, she is metaphorically digging her own grave.

You might question, how would I expect my client to have a positive attitude about her career?  She has had several legitimate disappointments.  My answer is that whatever experience we go through is not as important as our reaction to it.  With repeated “disappointments,” it’s of course easy to become cynical.  Once we’ve become that way, there’s not much good that will come through holding onto and embracing that energy!  It is kind of like driving down a dead end street.

What my client should do is to work toward asking herself what she has learned through what came before.  What did the universe teach her?  What was the lesson?  And always, take the lesson and throw the rest away, meaning, do not hold onto the emotions regarding whatever has happened.   Pronounce that is it OK!  A new door will open!

To whatever degree any of us are cynical; we must make a reverse journey if you will – a return to and a reclaiming of openness to life, trust and positive receptivity – in a sense, a reclaiming of our lost innocence.  We first do this through working through the varying layers of cynicism and letting them go:  life sucks, condemning other people, feeling jaded, non motivated, living without hope, giving up, life will never get any better, mocking and criticizing others and overall insincerity. 

Of course this doesn’t mean to throw away what has been taught to us and trust simply anybody and anything that strolls our way.  We have learned and all experiences enlighten us.  However, we need to let go of the cynicism that saps our vitality, hope and ability to dream.  Without a dream, we might be able to exist, but find it impossible to really live!  Affirm daily: I see the magic and wonder in all that has come my way!  I appreciate my past experiences and see my journey as positive and enriching!

Criticism

Whatever we say when criticizing someone else reflects more about how we truly feel about ourselves than the person we’re criticizing!  When we criticize others, we are simply voicing our own opinion of us!  Our words are an utter mirror of how we actually feel inside.

To elaborate on this point, the things we dislike about ourselves get projected outward onto others.  Let’s say that if we feel unattractive deep within, we might look at a female celebrity on TV and proclaim, “Look at her, she really got fat and ugly!  She needs to go on a diet!”  The real issue here is that the person doing the condemning doesn’t feel good about themselves, therefore, it’s time to attack another.  It even feels good, because the inner feelings of poor self worth get unleashed and thrust upon someone else which provide a momentary release.  It’s like a man having a bad day at work and unloading all of his internal negativity on his wife when he comes home.  He’ll feel better monetarily as he got it out, but she certainly won’t.  In addition, it doesn’t help him to heal his issues anyway.

Sometimes our narrow mindedness causes us to criticize, judge and place blame on others.  “Pete down the street left his wife and kids for another woman.  He left her for some young home wrecker who’s half his age.  What a jerk,” a neighbor exclaims!  Never lose sight of that great biblical phrase that most of us don’t practice which is, “Judge not, lest ye be judged!”  We should not put down others at all.  It is not our spiritual calling – leave that one to a higher power!

On top of that, very few of us realize how deeply we put ourselves down.  You can hear it if you read between the lines of what people say.  “I’ve never had a good relationship; why doesn’t love ever work our for me?  I probably wasn’t worth much to anyone anyway,” a male client who has been frustrated in relationships says to me.  Here, if we look at the last sentence of his statement, it speaks volumes.  The person, although causally, is giving away how they really feel about themselves and their self worth.  Hardly any of us proclaim from the mountaintop how bad and unworthy we feel about ourselves – it is often underplayed as highlighted above.

It is quite frequent that we pick up these bad self-image signals early in childhood.  Whether it is the critical, domineering parent, or not shining alongside the other children as much as perfectionism wants us to, we learn to think and feel badly about ourselves.  These tapes must be reprogrammed.  Not just for the obvious reason that self criticism can be negative, but because it brings down our health, finances, as well as every other area of our journey.  Perpetuated, it attracts harmful situations and damaging circumstances back to us.  Here, the law of attraction is in play.  If you feel not good about you, you magnetize to those people and circumstances that give that negativity right back to you without exception.

Let us first try to not keep criticizing others; meaning, if you can’t say something good about someone, don’t say anything at all!  It is a good starting point.  From here, work toward pronouncing what is positive about people, all the while removing yourself from the role of judge and jury!  It is not a matter of what someone else is doing or has done!  People sin and hurt others all day long.  Even if the sin is egregious, it is not our divine calling to condemn others.  Last, but not least, as we achieve these above-mentioned goals, we no longer criticize ourselves!  And when we stop looking down on us, we are free to accept others, the entire universe as well as ourselves without pointing the finger!

Practice this simple exercise daily:  Observe everything you say about others!  If you stop criticizing others, it will help you to no longer criticize yourself!  It so absolutely liberating to be free of the negative vibration of criticism!

Finally, affirm out loud:  I accept everyone for who they are and what they’ve done with grace and divine love in my heart as I also accept myself the same!

Revenge

Revenge is a living breathing poison that infects us down to our core.  When getting even is the ultimate goal… and we do indeed get our revenge, we will never be happy in the long run.  Why?  Because the payoff of a negative emotion such as revenge, simply stated is receiving back what we’ve done to another: poisonous, unhealthy, debilitating and punishing — to us.  It hurts us.  Never lose sight of the fact that the divine universe doesn’t make exceptions for any of us exacting revenge based on the degree that we have been hurt by another.  That old adage of “Two wrongs don’t make a right,” really takes on new meaning here.  We just like to make that tiny little exception to the rule when we’ve been wounded, when we’ve been damaged!

“I wish bad upon my ex.  I wish the same thing on him that he did to me.  I want God to pay him back.  Yes, I can’t wait to get even.  I pray for revenge every day and you know what, God will give it to him because of what he did to me.  Just wait and see,” a client emphatically proclaims! 

What happened here is that her ex husband and father of her children left the state, ostensibly claiming it was for a new job.  But deep inside my client knew he was lying, which I confirmed.  There was another woman – or women, and although multiple psychics said he was coming back, I knew he wasn’t and he never did. 

So what she did to get even was to try and ruin his new job, cause problems with his cell phone service, get his money and take him to court.  And she did get some of what she wanted: she disrupted his career, discontinued his cell phone service and even got some money.

OK, so she got her revenge!  Was she happy?  Of course not.  She then went into a cycle of getting involved with destructive relationships, became physically weaker, even sick, and her finances went downhill.  In this instance, that what she sent out came back quite rapidly – within a year to two.  Sometimes, though, it can take: years, decades, even lifetimes for the repercussions of our revenge to boomerang back on us.

I counseled her as I do everyone that revenge is not a good thing to indulge in.  Some heed my advice, while others don’t.  So how do we let go of the desire for revenge?  What can we do?

First, it’s important to note that revenge is the end result of many other emotions:

1) Hurt – it all starts with hurt, the feeling of rejection, being lied to, betrayed, disappointed, even feeling played.

2) Anger – As a defense mechanism, anger comes to the rescue to put us in survival mode.  Anger prepares us for battle, so with righteous indignation, we move forward.  ”I’m not going to take it anymore!”

3) Not Letting Go – By holding onto all of this, a false momentum builds – obsessing mentally and emotionally keeps it going – not being able to sleep.  It consumes one from day to night.  Something must be done to stop this!

4) Getting Revenge – Delusionally thinking that evening the score will make things better and help one feel better.  It may seem to make us feel good for awhile, but it’s a negative high, like robbing a bank.  Part of the illusion is that leveling the playing field exalts us to new heights when in actuality; it takes us into the gutter.

So here we see how revenge is built throughout a process of different emotions, all interrelated, and none of them positive for us.  We must work through these layers of feelings in reverse order to eventually heal the foundational core issue at hand – the hurt.

First, make the commitment that you are not going to seek revenge.  No matter what, you are not going to indulge in getting even.  Second, ask divine love to help you let go of this person and situation and release all of the inner burdens to divine spirit!  After that, we must acknowledge our anger, but not validate it.  We may feel angry – OK, we’ve been hurt, that’s understandable.  We must not plan to build on it but work toward dissipating it.  Last, but not least, take care of you!  Learn from the hurt.  Is there anything that can be done to minimize the likelihood of something like this happening to you again based on what you’ve been taught?  Look at all you can and have learned and let go of these vengeful feelings in loving and supportive way to you!

Resentment & Rage!

Holding onto resentment & rage is like looking at yourself in a fun mirror – you’ll look quite distorted and surreal, except with resentment and rage, it won’t be a fun reflection at all; it is dark, ugly and the results are horrifying.  With these two emotional partners in crime, one overreacts to anything and everything.  Innocent statements and common conversations conclude with nightmarish results.  When a man filled with these dark emotions comes home from work, he explodes when asked by his wife the simplest question as to how his day went.  “I had a rotten day, OK.  Leave me the hell alone,” he snaps!

It is a pressure cooker and a time bomb which plays havoc on one’s own internal state: heightened blood pressure, tension, headaches, anxiety, panic, overall psychological stress and health problems; these emotions build and build until a boiling point is reached – something eventually has got to give!  As this process advances through time, mundane normal day-to-day life serves as a trigger.  For example: Driving through the normal flow of traffic turns into a nerve racking disaster, pounding on the steering wheel, weaving in and out of traffic, cursing and swearing.  Waiting in line for a few moments at the grocery store is filled with a tension that ruins the day, while common interactions with people turn adversarial and combative.

“I just want to set an appointment to get my oil changed OK?  Is that too hard for you to do?  Can you hurry up and give me the first time you have?  I don’t care if it’s in the morning or afternoon.  Would you just tell me what you’ve got?  I didn’t ask which day was most convenient for me.  You know, this is really irritating.  I just want my oil change as soon as possible,” someone yells! 

When one is in the throws of resentment and rage, it is absolutely alienating to everyone who comes in contact with them.  People get pushed away by being insulted, yelled at, talked over and interrupted.  These feelings are a powerhouse and know no boundaries.  In one’s own mind, it’s as if no one else could possibly know what they’ve been through therefore, their attacks are justified.  The resentment of years, even decades of memories unhealed segues into complete rage and with that, one becomes on the brink…

With these feelings, everything becomes skewed and out of balance: ones perspective on the way they’re being treated, their past experiences, other people‘s motives and common events take on exaggerated and false horrific tones.  Blaming and attacking the wrong person becomes commonplace and again, alienates those who are not out to hurt another.  Bad choices are made, as the perspective that guides the decision making processes is totally out of balance and out of whack.  When things are not seen clearly or objectively, the decisions predicated on this warped view also produce lopsided and not good results.

So what do we do with these two toxic energies?  When our lives reach a point where we’re centered in resentment and rage, we must work through these emotions in a methodical fashion:

1) Make the commitment to yourself that you are not going to act out: meaning yelling, screaming, snapping at people, interrupting and being combative.  There are very few instances in life that require a reaction proportionate to acting on resentment and rage.

2) Acknowledge what is making you feel so terribly upset.  Look at these experiences, and bring it out into the light, in a calm, matter of fact way.  Discuss with those who love you and / or a therapist or counselor to gain perspective that is higher.

3) With that acknowledgment, try to look at what you’ve learned that is positive and made you a better person from each of these passages.  Whatever good has come out of it all must be celebrated, while the negative part needs to be let go of, one day and one step at a time.

4) Finally, pronounce out loud daily:  I am at peace with my past experiences, my life and all that has happened before.  It is OK now as I live in peace with the entire world and myself!

Hopelessness

Hopeless and despondent, listless and throwing in the towel…At the end of our ropes, we’ve lost the energy and movement that comes with emotions, both positively and negatively.  Whether the exuberance that comes with being optimistic, or the anger that comes with rage, feelings animate us and make us react and take action.  With hopelessness, we’re like a limp dishrag…how can we even continue to get out of bed in the morning?  “Jim, I can’t take it anymore.  I can’t fight this battle any longer.  Nothing has ever gone right for me and is just seems to get worse.  You tell me to be hopeful, but nothing improves and I’m just so tired,” a client who has given up laments.

Initially, these feelings may sound like the epitaph on a tombstone, but they should not be.  We must take action and here is a starting point to deal with this despondency:  The first thing to do is to not give in to, wallow in or embrace hopelessness as it is much too much like stepping into quicksand – these emotions will bury you alive.  Losing hope is the end of the line, so to speak, and without optimism; it is awfully hard to exist, yet alone really live.  Never forget how many times any of us have seen people go dramatically downhill, even lose their lives once all hope is gone.  It is truly a death sentence; even if the actual death takes time to occur! 

Second, never forget that where there is life, there is hope!  Don’t scoff at such an old mainstay – embrace it as being true!  We must counter hopelessness with hope, despondency with enthusiasm, listlessness with excitement over our lives – even when it appears that nothing is going right!  In countering the negative with the positive, it immediately makes a huge dent in the negativity for the better.  I would remind my client mentioned above that they are alive, able to speak, go to work and make living.  That certainly is more than a start!

Third, get out of yourself.  This will help you to rise above and transcend that dreadful state of hopelessness.  How?  Start doing acts of kindness for others.  Every day, do something for someone else where there is absolutely no motive of self-interest involved whatsoever.  Pay attention to what others need around you and be helpful when and where you can.  Doing charity work is a great opportunity to do something good for others and at the same time, feel good about yourself!  Even though hopelessness seems so insurmountable, we take a enormous bite out of it by simply helping others.  You might ask why?  Because negative emotions only focus on self – as in “my suffering.”  They disconnect us from the rest of this universe and make us feel separate and that leaves us self indulged.  By helping others, we are forced out of this imploded “me” negativity and begin to heal.  We become connected in a perpetually positive and enriching way.

Perhaps the most profound way I know of to heal hopelessness is the following daily exercise:  Look at anyone and everyone who has it worse than you, and immediately pronounce gratitude for all you have.  It makes an enormous difference. 

If you are strapped financially, think of someone who can’t pay the rent!

If you are sick, think of someone who is terminally ill!

If you are romantically lonely but have some family and friends, think of someone who has absolutely no one to lean on!

If you don’t like your job, think of someone who is out of work!

If you don’t like your physical appearance, think of someone who is disabled!

If you are frustrated with what people think of you, think of someone who is universally disliked and hated!

If you envy what others have, remind yourself of what you do have!

With this in mind, we turn away from identifying with the poisonous and negative emotions that do nothing but bring our lives, our dreams and us down.  As we make a new commitment to being positive and giving it our best, the universe will support us, guiding us every step of the way to the peace and harmony that is ours by divine birthright!

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

 When we think of our negative emotions, we tend to believe that even though they are icky and crummy feelings we’re going through at the time, they certainly won’t destroy our lives.  It’s as if bad feelings come and go, like the waves of the water or the changing of the seasons.  Life has its ups and downs and we deal with them, even if just barely so.  We often underplay the long-term importance of these emotions, viewing them as being synonymous with bad moods we all go through: sad, angry, depressed, frustrated or feeling hopeless. 

But negative emotions are toxic: they internally destroy our lives, our health, polluting out overall spirituality and create harmful, poisonous energy within us.  We must make the journey inward to honestly face what we feel to begin the cleansing and healing process that is pivotal to our overall well being.

Whether we know it or not, these feelings within also get sent out into the universe, so whatever is going on inside is constantly being projected – 24 hours a day, year ‘round.  What we propel outward, even if it is unconscious, draws right back to us the total mirror and utter reflection of all we feel.

Jealousy – Envy

There is a great metaphysical definition, which defines a person as being jealous when they won’t allow themselves to do what someone else is doing.

If we were clarifying that definition, we would say:  When person A doesn’t allow himself or herself to do what person B is doing, they become jealous.  Here we can illustrate this point: If John, (person A) didn’t allow himself to work on his physique and become healthy and in shape, he would become envious of Paul, (person B) who takes care of his body, works out and is in terrific shape.

What’s interesting about this spiritual concept is that it presumes that person A can do what person B is doing.  They are just not allowing themselves to do so!  With that statement in mind, we know that our hands are not tied being behind our backs and we can achieve our goals.

“Jim. I hate the fact that my sister is rich and I’m not.  She doesn’t deserve a penny, she just married a rich guy.  This just isn’t fair,” a client of mine states emphatically!  Here we see how the seeds of self-destruction are being sown.  Through her negative preoccupation with her sister’s financial status, this client doesn’t allow herself to receive her own financial blessings; the ones God has been trying to send her. 

If God was indeed trying to give her these monetary miracles, then why isn’t she getting them, you might question?  The answer is simple: because she is not open to them.  Her negative mind set regarding her sister’s fortune closes down all channels and pathways for her financial windfalls to come to her.  It’s like taking the phone off the hook and complaining that no one is ever calling!

There is a wonderful tried and true concept by the great metaphysical master Florence Shinn that states: “A blessing never comes to you; it must come through you.”  To elaborate on this premise, we must be an open channel for God to work through.  The door must be open in our mind, heart and spirit for God to walk through and bring us gifts!

As I always advise people to never be jealous of anyone or anything, some people listen, and with that, they move into receiving their own blessings — their own successes! 

However, I’ve seen people who are just too addicted to the negative rush of envy.  Why?  Because then they don’t have to do anything to make their dreams come true. Isn’t it easier to drop the ball then to throw it?  They can just feed off of the negative charge: talking disparagingly about others who have more, gossiping, wishing bad upon the objects of their resentment and so on… Through refusing to let this darkness go, their lives go downhill- sometimes slowly, while other times quite rapidly.

Here is a dynamite affirmation by spiritual master Florence Shinn to neutralize jealousy.  Use it whenever you feel any envy at all:  What God has done for ___________, he now does for me and more!   Of course, the blank space is the person or situation the jealousy is over. As with the example of the resentful sister mentioned above, the affirmation would be voiced as: What God has done for my sister’s finances, he now does for me and more!

Greed

In the Bible, there is the story of the Israelites who were walking through the desert, hungry and thirsty, so God sent them Manna (food and nourishment) from heaven.  It may seem like a cut and dry episode, but the point of this story is to illustrate the very strong spiritual foundation of how we are always truly provided for.  Our needs our taken care of.  Whatever we require does immediately appear on our pathway!  This is God’s supreme and perfect plan for us.

But it is often what we want that we may not get, especially if what we have our sights set on is coming from a place of greed.  For some, nothing is ever good enough…  If they have a substantial amount money to live comfortably on, they want more – and if and when they get more, it has to continue to be even larger – right now… 

In short, whatever gifts God gives them are never going to suffice in their own mind.  It is a bottomless pit of accumulation – a glass with a hole in the bottom. Even though you keep filling it up, the water drains out every time.  It’s sort of like the old adage of a football coach, “You’re only as good as your last win.”  It’s almost as if that whatever is gotten today is forgotten by tomorrow.

“I did get the new promotion you predicted, but my raise wasn’t as big as I wanted.  When am I going to get a really hefty financial increase,” a client questions?  I might surprise them by saying that they first need to practice gratitude for what they do have.  Then, by feeling appreciative, a larger raise will come.  Some say, “I hear you, but I just want to know when I’m going to get more money,” which probably won’t lead them to their desired outcome.  On the other hand, there are those who are thankful, therefore opening the door to receive a larger raise down the road.

As a reader, I’ve seen the following scenario too many times to count; a person has what they need, but don’t appreciate it at all, so they keep demanding more.  And for a while, they can ride this energy out – repeatedly demanding and getting frustrated…

However, if they don’t learn to become grateful, greed spreads like a disease.  If more doesn’t come in the time frame their ego designates, things start going downhill.  (If greed is at the core of the desire, what is sought after either doesn’t come, or it manifests in a negative, disadvantageous way).

Even when an endless appetite to accumulate is ever present and working against us, God is still providing for us.  In spite of anyone dissipating and squandering their supply through lack of appreciation, wanting more, and taking for granted what they already have, they are still taken care of!  Even when things do appear to spiral downward as in less money, worse health, and more unhappy circumstances, God still has our backs!

It is important to redirect our requests and neutralize greed through first expressing appreciation and gratitude every single day, without exception by affirming: I thank the universe today and every day for the gift of life and every miracle I receive!

Then, with that in mind, we can ask infinite spirit for greater blessings.  However, we must ask for the miracles that are ours by divine right, and not based on greed.  We need to become joyous receivers and not behave like bratty spoiled children.  Just like when your parents gave you a wondrous gift for Christmas when you were a youngster, hopefully, you thanked them with glee!  It is the same thing now.  Life in and of itself is a tremendously precious gift!  Give thanks for everything you have!

We should affirm: I now receive all of the endless miracles and blessings that are mine by divine right!  By wanting all of the good that God wants for us and not what greed consumes, we can’t go wrong!

Hatred

“I hate my ex husband for what he did to me.  He cheated on me, divorced me and married the other woman, and to top it all off, he left me penniless in our divorce.  I truly hate that man,” a client states.  While I empathize with my client’s suffering, I know that holding onto this negativity only hurts her.

It’s like the old phrase of cutting off your nose to spite your face.  Never lose sight of the fact that hating another only hurts the one doing the hating.  It’s like drinking poison to punish someone else.

The first thing that needs to be noted here is the tried and true spiritual law of the universe.  No matter what we’ve been through, or how much we’ve been wronged, we must stop the hating and forgive those who have been malicious to us.  We won’t be set free or able to find any real happiness till we let go, bless and wish well whoever has made our lives worse. 

The divine universe doesn’t make exceptions to this law based on the degree of pain or misery incurred by the one who has been victimized.  Meaning, it’s not as if that the more pain any of us have been through, the more exemptions we receive regarding our hatred of others.  It is our spiritual calling and destiny to learn to let go of this toxic darkness and once and for all, stop the hating. 

It’s not as if this is a like a photograph in our personal photo album that we can just take out and view when we wish.  It is a cancer that eats away at our internal well-being, our health, our finances, our emotional frame of mind and psychological balance.  In short, we become destroyed through hatred – of anyone or anything.

When people are defensive regarding this frame of mind, they may fire back at someone who tries to help them out of their negativity.  “You have no idea what I’ve been through.  Who are you to tell me to stop hating someone who destroyed my life,” someone questions?  Of course no other person can ever truly walk in another’s shoes and feel exactly what they’ve been through and it is sad that they feel this way.  But two things are important here: First, if someone is trying to assist another out of this abyss, they do empathize; they do care-that’s exactly why they are trying to help aid the healing process.  Secondly, the defensive person is not trying to let go, move on and resolve things for themselves.  It’s like someone wearing his or her misery as a proud badge of honor.

Others sometimes falsely believe that setting the one who has hurt them free is a way of sanctioning and condoning those very actions that were harmful to them.  This is simply not true.  Releasing the other person frees the one who was once doing the hating.

Instead of poisoning ourselves a little at a time, day by day…Let’s release this darkness once and for all!  Never forget that we are only as close to the kingdom of heaven (which is within our own minds) as to the degree we hate anyone or anything.  Meaning, our state of mind defines the limits of our happiness and bliss, literally.

To heal these old derelict emotions, affirm out loud: I now release all feelings of hatred to divine love and am now set free to be at peace with everyone and everything!

Blame

When we blame others, we usurp our own supreme power.  It is like being in the driver’s seat of your car, throwing your hands up in the air and claiming that someone or something else took control of the wheel.

“Jim, you don’t understand.  My mother told me I was never going to amount to anything my entire childhood and guess what, she was right.  It’s because of her that I’m where I’m at today,” a client emphasizes!  Here we see how blame has become a way of relinquishing control of ones’ own destiny.  And while we should feel great compassion for what my client has been through, it’s important to note that playing the blame game always sets us up to lose.

Mom said this, yes, but it’s a different time and place now.  One can look at things in a new, fresh way.  We do have choices, and this very old and non-productive pain can be released.  Remember, negative emotions are not permanent anyway and by no longer feeling crippled by Mom, my client gets a new lease on life.  If Mom is not at fault any longer, then life becomes a wide-open highway with endless opportunities!

Blame is usually a process that evolves throughout time – very seldom do we just point the finger at one person, circumstance or thing.  It is usually the accumulative affect of years, even decades of disappointments that left unhealed, turn into chronic blame, which assists us in forging a negative emotional identify.  Like quicksand, we sink deeper and deeper, eventually drowning ourselves in feelings that seemed so reasonable and justifiable at the time.

Think of this perspective: Would you rather be the one in control of your life, or let other people, circumstances and events call the shots?  The answer is obvious.  Any of us would like that decision making power.  Then we must take it – not wait for it to be given to us, as we must own it.  Blaming others is a way of saying, “I am no longer the captain of my own ship.”

Of course, disappointments and pain are at the root of this.  All of us have been seriously hurt, wronged, even shattered at some point in our lives.  I don’t think you can find one adult person, even teenager, who doesn‘t share these feelings.  So what do we do with these negative energies?  We should express compassion for ourselves as well as others when wronged, but is compassion the same thing as validating blame?  Not at all!  Doling out fault must be stopped.  It is like cutting off your legs and trying to walk or closing your eyes and trying to see.  Believing that someone else is responsible for what we’ve been through, leaves us powerless.

As we begin letting go, we must realize that the ultimate goal is to see and view everyone-yes, everyone, as blameless!  Sounds hard to do?  I think it is for most of us.  However, divine love sees all of us as blameless, and we must being this process by first, seeing ourselves as blameless.  Next, we can see others, the circumstances in our lives and the entire universe as exempt from fault.  This may be a long-term process, but pointing the finger dramatically restricts our initiative to live productive, healthy long-term lives.

Sometimes we do truly blame ourselves.  “If only I would have chosen a different career path,” someone laments.  “I’d be so much happier now.”  “Why didn’t I finish school back then because now it’s too late,” someone questions in regret? 

Please don’t do this to yourself.  We never really know just what the plan of the higher universe truly is.  Our ego may think we know, but do we really ever know…?  By trusting that the universe IS on our side, we will criticize ourselves less.

With a guilty verdict, it is like boxing yourself into a corner with no way out.  If it’s my fault, your fault, God’s fault, or because of circumstances beyond our control, how can we trust in each day to live?  We must release the debilitating effects of blame to divine love and cleanse these feelings. 

It is no one’s fault – it is all right now – all things do indeed happen for a divine reason – we are all going to be OK!  Affirm daily; I am blameless, everyone I’ve ever known is blameless, as God and the universe are eternally on my side, watching out for me and providing me with endless happiness!

Self Pity – Bitterness

Sometimes we hear someone saying that they’re going to throw themselves a little pity party, a sad celebration, wallowing in “singing the blues” for just a while.  It may sound cute or endearing, sort of like staying home from school with a little flu bug while mom takes care of you when you’re a child…

But in reality, a pity party is hardly a celebration – it is a decline into the feeling of being a victim which leads to resentment – then to “life is totally unfair” which segues into righteous indignation- leading to the ultimate angry question, why haven’t things ever turned out right for me?  It finally climaxes with a shriek of, “Whoever is up there calling the shots is a dirty rotten %&$*!”

What we see here is that self-pity is an emotion that leads us into a steady downward spiral, like a snowball rolling down the side of a mountain.  The momentum systematically leads us to a sense of bitterness and with that bitterness, it is awfully hard to get up and face the world with a smile.  In reality, it is actually hard to function at all if self-pity and bitterness have been present in our lives for many years, even decades.  As mentioned above regarding other negative emotions, things get worse.

But strangely, self-pity and bitterness become our “friends,” providing a negative payoff, a false comfort zone if you will, like a womb, pacifier or blanket of negativity. You might ask why anyone would want to hold onto or embrace such emotions.  Because self-pity allows one to feel sorry for themselves, which exonerates them from self examination or responsibility for all that has happened.  In that sense, they are not at fault.  It becomes safe to “cry in one’s beer,” and wallow.  This way, one doesn’t have to try, fail, risk being foolish, getting their hopes up only to be disappointed… In short, it is emotionally quite safe and perversely comfortable to live in self-pity.

Yes, we’ve all done it, and we must feel empathy with anyone who has done it or is doing it.  Whatever any of us may feel about another, don’t judge them for what they feel, as they are indeed going through something.  In my experience as a reader, I have found that anyone who has held onto feeling sorry for themselves long enough always becomes bitter, sooner or later.

What do we do then?  How do we reprogram our minds and emotions to transform ourselves from declining in self-pity to living in victory?  We must first pronounce that we are at peace with all that has happened before and be thankful for whatever good came out of every situation.  Here is a strong affirmation: All that has happened before in my life has been for my highest good and I am now at peace with my past!  I thank God for my life!

By neutralizing the darkness of the past, we begin to let go of identification with self-pity, which allows us to move into a fulfilling journey and toward freedom.

And it’s always important to try our best to come to a sense of resolution in a positive way with out current experiences.  We are reprogramming our reactive mind and emotions.  Sure, certain things are not going to go our way.  Guess what – that’s OK!  We are going to work toward finding whatever lessons and growth that comes out of all in our lives!  Through having an open and positive mind, we begin to see, feel, embrace and ultimately experience life for its absolute greater good!  Don’t ever see yourself as the victim again — see yourself as the triumphant winner – blessed with endless and eternal miracles!

In next week’s blog entry, I will conclude this writing with “Working Through Negative Emotions (Part 2),” focusing on the following emotions: Cynicism, Criticism, Revenge, Resentment & Rage, and Hopelessness.

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Regarding astrology, almost everybody knows what “sign” they are and it’s not unusual for many people to read their daily horoscopes.  And of course, “my sign is,” as it is often stated in popular culture, is simply your sun sign – meaning the position of the sun in the sky at your exact time of birth.  Say, if you’re born on August 29, your sun sign is indeed Virgo at approximately 6 degrees.

Your sun sign embodies your basic personality, the ego, your sense of “I am.”  It is the foundation of who you are and in a fundamental way; the inner you.  It represents your basic personality and make up in ordinary daily life; when things are “normal.” 

But how many people know about their earth sign – which is the opposite of one’s sun sign?  If your sun sign is Aries, then your earth sign, or polar opposite is Libra.  Not many people realize just how vital it is to look at your earth sign as well as you sun sign to gain a deeper understanding of how we deal with life’s struggles.

Your earth sign is your survival sign, representing how you cope with adversity and tough times, in a sense, your survival skills on this earth.  Just like a turtle goes within its shell, and a bee stings, your earth sign provides you with the skills needed to deal with stressful times.  When the chips are down, if you’re afraid or in a panic, you will draw upon and emulate your earth sign, (again, the exact opposite of your sun sign).  When your existence takes you out of your normal comfort zone, when life throws you a curve ball, and especially in issues that deal with survival, you will call upon your earth sign.

In studying astrology for an extended time with world-class astrologers beginning when I was a teenager, and having utilized astrology in my psychic practice now for over three decades, it is quite fascinating to me how people so strongly pull on their earth sign in difficult times.

Below, I would like to take you through a journey of all twelve signs of the zodiac, shedding light on the qualities of our sun signs and our earth signs, and then demonstrating how we react when drawing upon the qualities of our earth sign, both positively and negatively.

Sun Sign: Aries – Earth Sign: Libra
Aries are usually self-starters, like being in control, are aggressive, sometimes impulsive and impetuous, and like the symbol of the Ram, charge headfirst into situations. Ruled by Mars, Aries make great athletes, as they are naturally competitive.  Aries also make strong leaders, as they possess dynamic, energized personalities and are action-based individuals.  Many a prominent figure in this world has born under the sign of Aries, such as musician and social activist Bob Marley.

But when an Aries finds their back against the wall, they immediately draw upon the strength of their earth sign, or survival sign, Libra.  In this mode, they will seek compromise, look toward partnership to resolve conflict, as they try to find harmony. Attempting to find balance, they don’t like things being topsy-turvy.  Peace must be achieved in order to create the desired answer needed.

When pulling on the negative aspect of their earth sign of Libra, an Aries would become uncertain, ambivalent, and internally unable to make a decision or a decisive move.  Procrastinating, avoiding conflict and not facing issues, one may simply keep avoiding what needs to be done.

Sun Sign: Taurus – Earth Sign: Scorpio
Ruled by Venus, Taurus the bull is known for being stubborn, and making very prodding steps, even digging their heels in.  Taureans are steady, rock solid and resist change. They like material comfort and the finer things in life, and often have very pleasant tones to their voices.  Many a great singer including Barbra Streisand has been born under the sign of Taurus.

When the chips are down and a Taurus pulls on their opposite sign Scorpio, they become secretive, strategic, calculating, and burn with an inner intensity designed to resolve the conflict at hand.  Where Taurus would pragmatically move step by step, Scorpio may sting by attacking the situation with an all or nothing passion and
intensity, all designed to win.

If a Taurus was pulling on the weaknesses of their earth sign Scorpio, they would let their anger get the best of them, unravel any sense of good judgment through indulging in dark and revengeful emotions.  Feeling vindictive and needing to get even, they may foolishly shoot from the hip and ultimately undo their own position.

Sun Sign: Gemini – Earth Sign: Sagittarius
The sign of the twins, Gemini, is versatile, flexible, changeable, a jack-of-all-trades and a master of none and likes variety in their lives.  Ruled by Mercury, Geminis learn quickly, are dexterous with their hands as witnessed by musician Prince, communicate well and can lose interest in things easily.  They tend to see things in the small and immediate picture and for the short run.  Probably the worst thing for a Gemini is when they get bored.

When stressed, they would immediately think as Sagittarians do: outside of the box, call upon the big picture, think philosophically and bring about change.  In this survival mode, one will reject orthodox thinking, and try something unconventional and brand new if needed.

Pulling on the self-destructive aspect of their earth sign Sagittarius, Gemini would become too grandiose in their approach, thinking in much too big of terms that are unrealistic and not practical for a solution.  Careless, even false answers are just grabbed out of thin air, and thrown at the problem in a frivolous fashion.

Sun Sign: Cancer – Earth Sign: Capricorn
Cancer the crab, ruled by the moon, is a sign of deep emotion, intuition, and sometimes, even oversensitivity.  Liking family, cooking and the home, Cancers need security.  When they are hurt or feel threatened, they withdraw in their shell, as indicated by the
glyph of the crab, and retreat for safety.  Like Helen Keller, Cancers use their deep ability to feel: their environment, other people’s needs, their own emotions, and are often naturally quite psychic.

Under duress, Cancerians draw upon their survival sign of Capricorn, switching from feeling emotional to being: logical, rational, and in control.  In this polar opposite energy they plan, detach, and look for bottom line hard cold facts.  In Capricorn mode, they want to be the boss now, and take complete charge of the situation and “take care of business.”

Drawing upon the negative side of Cancer’s survival sign Capricorn, one would become negative, morbid and fatalistic in their belief in a true resolution being able to be achieved.  Pessimistic thinking would undermine the situation at hand and prevent them from seeing an optimistic answer.

Sun Sign: Leo – Earth Sign: Aquarius
Leo the lion comes from the heart; a place of pride and nobility.  Ruled by the sun, Leo does indeed rule the jungle and must feel important; needing to be the center of attention and the benevolent benefactor of generosity.  With their often-large egos, even arrogance, Leo likes to be the star of the show.  Many a great entertainer has been born under the sign of Leo, such as Mick Jagger.   Leo’s can also be quite sentimental, as their heart does rules their head, so to speak.

When a Leo feels under the gun, they will immediately lean on their polar opposite sign of Aquarius.  In this mode, one: thinks of solutions for the problem at hand in a humanitarian and broad minded way, factually, with complete unattachment, always looking for the highest good to come out of the situation at hand.  There is a clear and enlightened answer, and it shall be found!

The negative side of Leo’s survival sign of Aquarius brings one to a place of coldness, too much detachment bordering on being non sympathetic and uncaring.  Simply processing the situation mentally and intellectually without a sense of empathy does not fix the issues.

Sun Sign: Virgo – Earth Sign: Pisces
Virgo the virgin loves to analyze, dissect and pick things apart.  As a perfectionist ruled by Mercury, Virgos are critical, both of others as well as themselves, possessing unusually high standards that are hard to meet.  Leonard Bernstein represented the Virgo ability of being able to pay attention to detail as he meticulously did as an orchestra conductor.  Purity and cleanliness are also both Virgo attributes, while they also are most at home being in service to others.  Sometimes they may over analyze a situation and knit pick to a fault, having a hard time simply letting it mentally go.

It times of stress, Virgo switches to the opposite modality of being a Pisces.  Here, one dreams, intuits, escapes from reality into fantasy to let the problem get solved.  Using a sense of faith and intuition, they may let things go to arrive at the proper conclusions in an intuitive way.  In time, the answer will come, magically; even mystically. 

When Virgo is in survival mode and functioning in the negative aspect of Pisces, they can escape into self-delusion, self-pity and wallowing in the troubles that are going on.  Even alcohol or drugs can numb the pain, but a negative sense of running away is the mode of reaction.  Not facing reality provides a sad but safe place.

Sun Sign: Libra – Earth Sign: Aries
Libra, the sign of the scales, likes balance, harmony and peace.  Fairness and justice are important to this Venus ruled sign, but they can sometimes become indecisive, even procrastinating in their search for things to be equitable and fair.  Libras do not like when the scales are tipped to either side; but prefer for things to be in absolute balance.  Julie Andrews is a perfect example of how Librans often have a strong sense of what is beautiful, can be quite artistic and graceful.

When life throws a curve ball to a Libra, their actions will be quickly become swift and energized.  “Something needs to be done here now,” is what one might declare.  Pulling on their Aries survival sign, they immediately want to manifest a plan of action; it must be initiated as soon as possible, right now.  They now become the leader, not the one who compromises to make everyone happy. They are in fight mode and will do their best to get the job done.

The negative side of Libra’s opposite sign, Aries, brings about unpredictable and impetuous choices that are not well thought out or properly executed.  Hitting their head against the wall, a lack of temperance or reason is heightened by irrational actions out of the blue too aggressive and forceful.

Sun Sign: Scorpio – Earth Sign: Taurus
Scorpio the scorpion can sting and can even get vindictive.  Ruled by Pluto (and in old school astrology, considered to be co-ruled by Mars), Scorpios are passionate, highly sexual, fixed, calculating, intense and secretive.  There is no middle ground for them.  They are either seen as the eagle flying high above the clouds and rising above the lower world, or as the scorpions down and dirty in the dust.  You’ll find many a Scorpio to go through transformations in a given lifetime, as Pluto, their ruling planet, brings about death and rebirth.  Many a celebrity who represents sex appeal is born under the sign of Scorpio, such as Rock Hudson. 

In tough times, Scorpio will call upon the attributes of their earth sign Taurus by planting themselves in the ground and heeding all of their inner intensity.  Here, they quickly become level headed, steady, slow moving and prodding in looking for a solution. There won’t be a rush to judgment, or a “throw the baby with the bath water out” mentality in this instance.  Passion is replaced with a steady, calm, step-by-step approach to seek a resolution.

When a Scorpio falls back on the negative side of their survival sign Taurus, one digs their heels in stubbornly without any flexibility or openness to new insights.  Looking at things from a fresh perspective is not in play here, as the negative Taurus energy will shut down any movement or progression toward resolution, and fall back on being fixed and rigid.

Sun Sign: Sagittarius – Earth Sign: Gemini
Sagittarius, ruled by Jupiter, loves freedom.  Sagittarians forgive and forget, and always try to see the big picture in everything.  Thinking small is not typical for the sign represented by the archer, and small crises tend to bore these individuals.  Big plans, and a broad perspective make Sagittarians expansive in their decisions and goals.  Free spirited, often wanting to have a good time, Sagittarians love a good party, such as Frank Sinatra.

In a crisis, Sagittarius, now drawing upon their earth sign Gemini, tends to think of multiple options: try this first, try that next, and don’t be afraid to consider all avenues available.  “The answer is right here somewhere,” one may say.  Drawing on the versatility of their opposite sign Gemini, they look at a problem from any number of angles to get things done and rather quickly.  Don’t take too much time looking at just one solution, but go through a series of options till you get it fixed.  If one thing doesn’t work, immediately go to the other.  Talk it out and verbally express what needs to be achieved, as that will help bring about solutions.

If a Sagittarian pulls on the lower side of their earth sign, Gemini, they would immediately become scattered, grasping for straws, as if they were going around in circles.  Fickle and flitting from thing to thing, energies would become all over the place, so to speak, with no clear plan of action.

Sun Sign: Capricorn – Earth Sign: Cancer
Capricorn, ruled by Saturn, likes to be in control.   Many Capricorns like Richard Nixon have been dominant political figures.  Being the boss, thinking in rational, factual terms, are all hallmarks of the sign symbolized by the goat.  This sign doesn’t like to be wrong, and can argue a point to the end to prove that they are indeed correct.  Sometimes cold, Capricorn often leaves emotion out of the equation, in favor of facts and figures.

When under fire, Capricorn will indeed exchange logic for emotion and intuition.  Going into survival mode and calling upon their earth sign Cancer, one withdraws, and feels the situation out, both emotionally and intuitively.  What feels right becomes the mode of operation in this type of situation, and the gut level instinct overrules anything rational and logical.  What becomes real is what one feels.

If a Capricorn felt out of control and started dealing with the negative side of their survival sign Cancer, they would withdraw into a cloud of intense, even melodramatic emotions.  Sadness and oversensitivity would cause then to shut down and lick their
wounds.  Retreating into their shell, they would have no desire to come back out.

Sun Sign: Aquarius – Earth Sign: Leo
Ruled by Uranus (and once considered to be co-ruled by Saturn), Aquarius is one of the most intellectual signs of the zodiac.  Questioning authority and convention, many a socially conscious person like Oprah Winfrey has been born under the sign of Aquarius.  Represented by the water bearer, this sign is humanitarian, detached, innovative, pioneering and looks at life through humanitarian eyes.  Forward thinking in a non-emotional way, Aquarians view everyone in this world as one piece of the bigger, collective whole.

When challenged and in rocky waters, Aquarians flip the coin, so to speak, and emulate their earth sign, Leo.  In this mode, one gets angry and wants to solve the crisis by ruling the roost, and roaring like the lion.  With their head held high, it’s time to be the king, and restore order in the jungle, meaning whatever the actual crisis is, it must be put to an end once and for all.

However, if an Aquarian slipped into the negative side of Leo, their opposite sign, they would become loud, arrogant, boastful and bossy.  Thinking they could steam roll over anyone or anything in the way, they would lose any sense or reason or rational perspective.  I am not just the king, but a dictator, becomes their motto.

Sun Sign: Pisces – Earth Sign: Virgo

Pisces, ruled by Neptune (and formerly believed to be co-ruled by Jupiter), is represented by the glyph of the fishes.  Pisces is perhaps the most sensitive sign of the zodiac.  With an innate sense of living in their dreams, Pisces can escape reality; sometimes through spiritual / religious faith, clairvoyance, and work professionally in illusion, such as film and photography.  When a Pisces pulls on their higher self, they receive transcendent information from a higher source, such as Albert Einstein did.

When difficulties confront a Pisces, one might think that they would just run and hide, but quite the contrary.  They would pull on their earth sign, Virgo and begin to look at things in a meticulous, analytical way.  Weighing in on every minute detail, paying attention to facts and dissecting the situation becomes the mode of action here.  Being critical with high standards, this resolution will be one that demands to be noticed, as it will be chock full of important subtleties.

On the other hand, when Pisceans negatively pull on their polar opposite of Virgo, an individual would become neurotic, over picky, not seeing the forest from the trees, so to speak and think about everything too much.  Refusing to relax with the problems at hand, too much over analysis doesn’t allow spirit to offer a true resolution.

As you see above, we don’t just remain centered in our primary personality energy, based on our sun sign.  We flip the coin and pull on our earth sign, our survival sign, which interestingly is the exact opposite of our basic personality make up.  Most of us would have never have thought of such a phenomenon occurring and it is through the study of astrology that we attain this awareness.

Try this simple exercise of recalling how you’ve reacted in situations where the chips were down and some aspect of survival issues were at stake.  As you recollect, ask yourself, “Was I behaving like my sun sign or my earth sign?”  Chances are, you drew heavily upon that inner survival strength that comes from our ally – our earth sign.

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“Bad Boys” are exciting and dangerous – just like riding the highest roller coaster or driving a car 100 miles per hour intoxicated with you hair blowing in the wind.  It is all quite an adrenalin rush — till you crash, and someone gets seriously injured or killed…

We scratch our heads, wondering why women connect with “bad boys” – yet it is as predictable as the sun rising in the morning that so many women will get hooked up with these types of men.  Their friends and family plead, even begging them; “Get rid of him.  He’s no good for you.  He’s a cheater and a liar, and doesn’t care for you!”  But rarely does one listen…yet is it unable to be determined why she won’t heed the warning…?  There are always reasons why.  And just like a building may have a basement, foundation, several floors, and at the top a penthouse, there are several layers as to what makes women click with and seek out (consciously or unconsciously) “bad boys.”

So in thinking of what and who “bad boys” are, here is a definition that is the basis of this writing; Men who do some or all of the following, in varying degrees; cheat, lie, don’t offer commitment or consistency, play mind games, exploit women financially, abuse women emotionally and or physically, and don’t inherently care about the well being and needs of the women they are involved with.

The basement – the subconscious mind

The core seed of what draws women to “bad boys” is far beneath the surface and what can be easily seen.  It is not perceived or felt at the conscious or cognitive level and just like the basement is underground; the motives for these choices are hidden from view.

The real foundations fundamentally tie into a woman’s self image, self perception, self worth and self esteem.  What does a woman feel about herself?  Not just on the surface, but down to their inner core.  It you ask a woman that question, most individuals would state that they like themselves, or at the very least, don’t wish to punish or destroy themselves.  Who would honestly say that?

However, as we look deeper, down to the subconscious mind, we again ask, what does she really feel about herself?  What I’m referring to here is when a woman’s self image is damaged, not just as a human being, but specifically as a woman:  not feeling pretty or sexy enough, not feeling she deserves to be loved and respected, the unconscious desire to punish herself to validate that already existing feelings of poor self worth, that somehow she is just a bad person and the sense the her needs don’t matter or count. 

These issues tie into multiple sources with varying origins:  Parents who were overly critical and unable to be pleased, childhood abuse that is emotional, physical and / or sexual, and former unsuccessful relationships as well as failed marriages. Also, the classic psychological scenario where a woman is looking for Daddy applies here, especially if her relationship with her father was abusive, damaged, distant, out of reach or emotionally negative for her.

Past life karma and lessons brought into this life are a source for this dynamic as well; bringing in negative self esteem and self punishment from former incarnations, which facilities the need to heal oneself through initially attracting bad relationships, only to work through them to ultimately be healed and set free.  Also, her soul may be at the point of evolution where these types of relationships are a part of what she chooses to experience for her growth and maturity on a soul level, again, hopefully to heal and rise above such self-destruction.  As we can see, these issues are often complicated, but in short, these dynamics that one carries deep within add up to feelings of not liking oneself, as a woman.

And remember, baggage never just sits there within.  It is a living, breathing three-dimensional energy that creates motion, momentum and movement, both internally and eternally.  It is a call to action! This energy sends out a strong vibrational signal; like a radio wave broadcast to the entire universe 24 hours a day, every day of the year.  That uninterrupted signal is like a lasso that wraps around “bad boys” and draws them right back to the source – the woman sending out this energy.  If this woman was in a room of 300 men, she would magnetize to one or more of these types, as the law of attraction is ultimately powerful and does work.

The Foundation – the emotional bodies

The foundation of these relationships is actually built on quicksand and not a rock.  It is not in the least bit sturdy at all, yet it may feel more rock solid at the time.  What makes it all come together is a dark, exciting, compelling and all consuming adrenaline rush most of us call chemistry – the excitement, fire, passion, draw, and sexual electricity that hypnotizes, confuses and blinds us to the real truth. 

The actual truth is that the chemistry, which feels so overwhelming and real, is a mirage.  The mirage is the combination of emotional feelings on the surface that initially hook the woman in: sexual attraction, dynamic lovemaking, mystery, emotional danger, excitement and unpredictability.  However the reasons behind the chemistry again, are based on what fuels it all from behind the scenes; all that is underneath the surface of the woman’s internal make up. Those energies, as mentioned above, are not healthy or enriching at all and destroy people’s lives.  This “negative” chemistry masks or camouflages the real problems inherent in the relationship.

Regarding a new love interest, my client says, “Jim, I have never had sex like this before in my entire life!  My ex husband was so boring in bed and I felt so trapped in that marriage, and sure, he loved me, but I wanted something so much more real and exciting in my life.”

Again, the chemistry is the camouflage.  Being stuck in a satisfactory, yet from her point of view, boring marriage for years, made her feel trapped.  Because of feeling imprisoned, she developed a fear of commitment, even though she doesn’t know it.  Since these types of men don’t commit, she is never going to have to face her fear of being trapped by him, so in a perverse sense, she is free.  Leaving the marriage made her feel guilty (under the surface), so a negative guy becomes a perfect match, because he will indeed punish and abuse her, making her “pay for her sins,” so to speak.  Also, the excitement of “bad boys” replaces real intimacy, which requires a truly open heart from both parties to be present.  It’s like drinking Pepsi all day; you get jazzed up, but there is no nutritional value, as opposed to eating a balanced and healthy diet.

Here, we see the motivations of her attraction, and they are not based on the higher or evolved self, but the lower and dark self — and we all do have our lower selves to contend with.  He will provide her with all of her negative needs being met: to not face her fear of commitment, having excitement replacing intimacy and the desire to be punished based on the subconscious guilt for leaving her marriage.  There are reasons for her choices and actions, just not the ones she believed were motivating her..  Here I could say to her, “You don’t like him in spite of him being bad, you want him because he is bad. 

There are several floors in this building – the mental process

Regarding relationships with “bad boys,” that old phrase “My mind is playing tricks on me,” should be rephrased to state; “I am using my mind to play tricks on me.”  Through rationalizations, excuses and trying to construct a reality that is convenient to perpetuation the relationships, one weaves themselves into a complex web of self-delusion and self-deception that can be quite harmful.

“Oh, I’m just having a good time.  I need a guy who’s wild in bed,” a woman wanting some fun says.  But is she considering the health risks involved?  I have warned women of the serious health consequences from being with a guy like this; some listened, and some simply didn’t.

“He’s a man – what do you expect?  Plus, I believe that his ex wife was such a bitch.  I mean she never stopped nagging him, so I got to cut him some slack,” a woman excuses.  However terribly this man treats her, she will roll out the pardons; only seeing exactly what she chooses to see and not the truth.

“I don’t believe he caused his ex to file for bankruptcy.  I don’t intuitively feel that he physically abused her either.  I see a different side of him.  She’s just saying this to break us up,” one rationalizes.  Here, the woman is trying to create whatever reality she needs to make him OK — not just by his forgiving his past deeds, but also by pretending they never happened at all.

Often, the intensity of the feelings give the relationship a false validation, allowing the mind to run rampant and define the illusions of  “deep connection” to mean anything that is desired.  It is like pretending a dollar is actually a million dollars.  One can believe it as long as they want, but is it really true?

And when friends, family and loved ones get too close to telling the truth; having factual evidence of him cheating and lying, the woman can always fall back on the old adage:  “None of you know him like I do,” as if somehow he and she have a special bond that no one in the world could ever understand or comprehend.  Never forget, the more anyone attacks him, the more likely the woman will defend him to the death, as if he is her little puppy dog being kicked by an angry and vicious mob.

Beyond that, women will frequently acknowledge that “bad boys” are indeed bad news for females, but counter that initial premise with the concept; there is always an exception to every rule, and that exception is the man they are with.

Even deeper than that, a woman may assert her ego by deliberately picking a “bad boy.”  Why?  To conquer him, which would enable her to feel in control of the relationship.  That “control” is designed to empower her, which in her own mind heals the long-standing issues under the surface as mentioned earlier in this writing.  By picking this type of man, the challenge makes the conquest seem so much more of a victory, as he certainly is a worthy opponent.  But what is there really to win here?  He won’t love or respect her or help her to heal the pain, so the fantasy of control and winning is only a temporary illusion.

The penthouse – the “spiritual” aspects

As time goes on, one declares “higher” reasons, a “higher purpose” so to speak, as to why they’re with this type of man.  I’ve had clients tell me, “This is meant to be.  From the moment we met, I felt a connection with him like I’ve never felt before.  God has put me in his life for a reason and I believe that he truly loves me, no matter what you say.”  This woman believes that this is her spiritual “destiny,” and by having faith, all of the pain, abuse and suffering is redeemed in the end.  In short, it will all somehow work out by the grace of God and he will love her.  It’s like a movie that looks like everyone is going to be killed, but by the end, we’re all riding off into the sunset.

The lengths one may go to validate this “spiritual” premise are life altering.  Many call multiple psychics, and enter into psychic addiction where they have to hear constantly that he loves them, will commit in the end and that the other women will soon be gone.  Some become so obsessed with the situation that they lose family and friends who can’t cope with hearing about it anymore, especially when their opinions are disregarded, unless those opinions accommodate the emotional denial the woman is in.  Depression and not eating can lead to not focusing on the day-to-day tasks at hand, and over time, create serious health problems.  By being so myopic, one’s performance on their job greatly suffers, as if nothing in the world matters but “him.”  In the worst case scenario, this can even lead to ultimately getting fired, leaving their life in disarray.

Sometimes we want a big luscious piece of cake, but we get spinach with no butter.  One goes into a relationship hoping that things will work out and that they’ll walk away with the prize in the end.  But with “bad boys,” there is no prize, but instead, the tough learning experience. We grow from everything we go through and in every experience; there is an inherent lesson.  It may just not have been the conclusion we subjectively wanted.

Beyond that, there are lessons that are soul agrees to take on that may not be pleasant – and those lessons can tie into these types of relationships.  Only God may know for sure, if we were supposed to do this, or on the other hand, it was simply a pathway that we chose to walk down, in the same way we make choices every day.  And choices do indeed have consequences. 

However, women who have loved “bad boys,” who want to break that cycle to attract and manifest healthy loving relationships in their lives, need to first work on recognizing the patterns.  This requires looking realistically at any new man they meet and not just getting drawn in by the initial attraction and chemistry. Women must honestly ask themselves, “What do I really want?”  Not pretend that their love is going it “change him” and that God is going to touch this guy and in a sense, make him what the woman wants him to be. 

If a woman wants to heal and learn from what she’s been through, it must be done all the way down to her core, where the real issues that drive the ship are present – and that is a process.  Through time and effort one can and will learn to like, respect, appreciate, value and most of all, love themselves first and foremost, to open the door to meet someone truly positive and healthy to build an enriching life partnership with.

Here, in Part 2, topics 6-10 of “10 things that make or break a relationship,” I attempt to bring to a conclusion what I began in Part 1, topics 1-5 in my most recent blog entry.

As stated in my prior blog entry, each of the below mentioned topics can be looked at as separate issues in and of themselves, or as pieces that together, create a much bigger collective puzzle, unlocking the questions we all have regarding our deep and personal unions.  Since our love lives not only tie into our deepest hopes and emotional desires, but also our most profound fears and defenses, I hope this writing offers potentially helpful and clarifying information.

6- Infidelity

Mostly all of us have experienced some aspect of infidelity.  Whether it is being cheated on, seeing the effect of cheating on a friend or family member, or doing the cheating ourselves, I don’t think any of us can say we’ve lived a life without being touched somehow and in some way by unfaithfulness.  Cheating is as engrained into our collective consciousnesses as any long-standing traditions we’re used to thinking of as cultural mainstays.  There are so many countless angles and aspect of infidelity, that I thought it would be pertinent in this writing to focus on the concept of how unfaithfulness affects a relationship. 

What do we expect when we enter into a relationship regarding fidelity?  Most of us don’t go into expecting cheating, lies and deception.  But what happens when it does occur and how do we handle it then…?

I remember a client of mine who had been married for 30 years and couldn’t grasp how I was strongly feeling that her husband was cheating.  She wasn’t being defensive or in denial about it, she just couldn’t make sense of it logistically; “He works all day at the bank, then he comes home to me, and we’re together till he goes to work the next day,” she reasoned.  When I tuned in deeper, I felt something was going on at work.  It seemed unlikely, as he worked in a bank – not a strip club or bar.  But my feeling persisted.  She assured me she would check into it, follow my psychic leads and see what she found out.

I did hear back from her a short time later, and sure enough; he was having a long-standing affair with a female coworker.  The sexual activity was right there, in his office; behind a closed and locked door, as he was an executive in power and could get away with it.

Needles to say, she was devastated…She didn’t see it coming, thought she had a faithful husband, as there were no apparent signs of cheating at all – so the repercussions on her were dramatic: loss of trust in her husband, feelings of betrayal, and the sense that keeping her heart open was a scary proposition.

With this scenario, several repercussions can happen.  In this particular instance, my client did stay in the marriage, at least at that time, but was quite wounded – and those wounds are awfully hard to heal.  One person would head straight to a divorce attorney, and “take him to the cleaners,” while others would attempt to somehow fix things.  It’s as if the relationship is a delicate crystal figurine – when it’s thrown against the wall, it is very hard to glue back together.

Many spouses, who experienced this type of ultimate and supreme deception, become shattered beyond repair, thinking it’s somehow their fault and that they somehow brought it on.  Even if they divorce, the deep emotional wounds can lead to choosing people who are not right for them, as the healing may take longer than most of us are willing to wait before connecting with someone new.  This is like having a broken leg, and beginning to jog on it way before it’s back to normal.

Often, someone senses something is wrong — it’s in their gut.  “I feel my husband is cheating on me…” But instead of trying to get to the bottom of it, they sort of sweep in under the rug, tune it out… even pretend this nagging gut feeling is somehow not real; “Oh, all of us get crazy feelings.  It must just be my imagination.” 

But it isn’t…  Remember, if something feels wrong, it probably is wrong!  Intuition doesn’t lie, and avoiding the truth won’t make the problem go away; it postpones the inevitable until it hits us, often right between the eyes.  This type of person, even after finding out, may rationalize the situation; “Oh, no one’s perfect!  He’ll outgrow it I’m sure.  We all make mistakes.”  Here the person keeps the gravy train of denial rolling for as long as possible. Not facing it won’t make the problem go away…

On the flip side of the coin, there are those who feel their significant other’s unfaithfulness down to the core of their very being, and they want to find out what is really going on.  I’ve seen many people follow their gut level instincts, even doing seemingly strange things:  “I just had a feeling to go to this restaurant, and when I got there, she was sitting there with the other man.  I just knew,” a husband suspecting something shady going on explains.  Often this kind of deception ends the marriage, as the spouse is willing to know as well as face the truth — even going as far as to look for it.  He may choose to end the relationship and find someone new, probably better for him.

Then we see those who confess their infidelity, not because they want to atone or because of feeling truly remorseful… There is a much more ugly game here – confessing to the crime actually translates into:  “You weren’t good enough as my spouse so I had to do this; I’m confessing to punish you and make you feel bad about yourself and gain more control over you; I’m pretending to be honest so I can have the power to manipulate you back into the game and watch you tolerate what I do; I’m offering the truth to test the limits of what I can get away with and still win!  This sort of person loves to stretch the rubber band as far as they can without actually snapping it.  Frequently, the spouse here may accept this type of scenario once, maybe even twice, but after a while, the disingenuousness of this makes a partner fed up, feeling used, trapped and played.  Most of the time, the one lied to ends up leaving, sooner or later.  Confessing can also be a way of absolving oneself of ones own guilt, selfishly needing to be forgiven, no matter how it hurts their partner.

Sometimes one knows in their heart that their companion is being unfaithful – but their companion denies it, even vehemently.  Every time it’s brought up, it leads to a fight; “I’ve told you over and over again, that I’m not seeing anyone.  There is no one else,” a husband yells! 

What can be done here?  She can’t seem to catch him, yet she feels it – remember, this is the man she’s had children with, made love to for decades-she can sense what her man is out there doing.  In this instance, we need to call upon a higher power for guidance, truth and clarity.  I have offered the following affirmation to many of my clients in this precarious position, with great results:  Infinite intelligence, if my partner is cheating on me, bring me the truth and the proof immediately!  In time, the affirmation brings the reality of what’s going on right back to them, in startling ways! 

I remember a client telling me that after using this affirmation, a small piece of paper with the other woman’s phone number on it was found on her living room floor – no rhyme or reason – there it was!  After she caught him, she was free to know that she wasn’t being paranoid or over reactive; therefore, she was able to file for divorce.

The effects of infidelity can be devastating.  Sometimes infidelity totals a relationship and ends it permanently like an atom bomb dropped onto a city.  Other times people struggle with it, not wanting to see it till they have to, tolerating it perhaps till it becomes excruciating and they finally end up letting go.  For some people, even their partner having a one night stand makes them end the relationship right then and there.  Others who are in denial or afraid of losing the relationship, may simply be willing to live with chronic cheating.

Sometimes we don’t feel we deserve any better; complications regarding kids and finances can make getting out difficult; the hope of healing the relationship and also, because many of us just can’t emotionally let go and move on, keeps us stuck and paralyzed.

Since infidelity is culturally embedded into our collective psyches, we tend to overlook the devastation it can cause.  It usually breaks the relationship, and even if it doesn’t kill the partnership entirely, it always makes things much worse…

7- Fear of Commitment

Fear of commitment is quite common in today’s society – maybe not quite as frequent as infidelity, but as a reader, I’ve observed it getting stronger all the time.  I may surprise you with the concept that “fear of commitment” is often a complete and utter game; it’s like someone saying they’re partially pregnant – or having just a touch of cancer —- sounds ridiculous?  Think of it.  The purpose of the “fear” is to conveniently limit and structure the relationship to accommodate the “fearful” person’s terms; you can call it “having your cake and eating it too.”

A person is only afraid when it suits them; when it’s convenient.  Remember, you can’t just turn fear on and off at will.  It is much too powerful and overwhelming of a force.  Fear is about life and death survival, not being fickle, capricious and inconsistent. 

If he or she wants to have sex, they’re not afraid at all, are they?  If they need companionship for a while, then viola, the fear apparently just vanishes!  But when his or her commitment issues kick in, they can’t be reached, go missing in action, and reappear when it suits their needs.  It’s often a control game and a way of serving two masters: like worshiping both Jesus and the devil, overeating all day and fasting the next, going on a drinking binge, then staying sober a while.  This kind of push and pull never works for the one on the receiving end – especially when she or he starts indulging in excuses and rationalizations for what is being done to them.

If someone was truly afraid, they would stay away from relationships like the plague.  Do you know anyone who is really terrified of flying, who occasionally flies, then doesn’t fly for a while, then flies if they feel like it?  Quite doubtful…

“Jim, you don’t understand.  My lover has been hurt before.  Their ex was such a monster, and they are so afraid of getting hurt again.  That’s why they pull back, and see more than one person.  They are just confused,” a client defends their back and forth lover.  Here is probably the biggest excuse; That someone has been hurt before – therefore, their terrible behavior: from cheating, to lying, to inconsistency, to not being there for their partner, to being mean spirited, all becomes explained, even excused.

But wait a minute.  There are two points to consider here:

1 – Is this person even telling the truth about their past?  When I question a client who’s saying this, I ask them, “How do you know what they’re saying is truthful and accurate?  Were you there?”  Almost always it comes out that my client is only hearing one side of the story – their lover’s version, which in many instances is purposefully deceitful.  Sometime a client says, “You know Jim, maybe you’re right,” while other times, they vehemently defend the person by claiming that I’m wrong and not picking up on them accurately as a psychic.

As a reader, I have witnessed countless examples where the person hearing all of this boo-hoo-hoo sob story is being fed absolute lies.  The ex wasn’t a monster; in fact, the ex treated my client’s lover like gold.  My client’s lover was the one who squandered the finances and cheated.  So why does this person portray themselves as the little wounded lamb at the stake?  That is obvious.  Because they are trying to elicit false sympathy.  If it’s not their fault then how can they be blamed?  Victims are never responsible.  If he or she is the victim, presumably one has to be patient, compassionate and understanding, which allows the gravy train to just keep on rolling.

2- On the other hand, even if this person was married to a monster, how and why does today’s bad behavior become justified?  It’s as if to say that is OK if he or she treats an entirely new person terribly, because they were once treated badly themselves.  It’s like a defense lawyer pleading mercy for his 40-year-old client, claiming that they had a bad experience at age 3.  At a certain point, we all, including those who are divorced, need to take responsibility for what we do, especially in new relationships.

In this instance, here are the real points to evaluate: is he or she making any attempt to work on this “fear” and trying to heal their issues?  Are they doing anything whatsoever to improve the relationship, in any way at all?  What is being done to come to terms with their past?  All of us have been through this and that – but that doesn’t excuse repetitive, chronic, negative behavior toward another person – it’s like a continuing orgy of alcohol and drugs. 

It is like taking two steps forward, then two steps backward.  In the end, you’re right back to where you started.  Very seldom, does this sort of person heal and forge the journey to really make the relationship work, making it a waste of time for the person on the receiving end to: wait it out, hope and pray, give it time, or pretend that things are going to get better.

Then there are those who make no bones about it; they don’t want a commitment.  Why?  Because they’re selfish – plain and simple.  They don’t want a partnership – with all of its obligations, compromises and the potential expectations of their lover.  They view love as a ball and chain – so part of this game is to be totally up front about it; “Hey, we can hook up sometimes, but I am not looking for a commitment,” a man who is an old hand at this says to his new girlfriend.  And the woman may think she’ll be OK with it, even convincing herself that she’s a big girl, and can handle such an “arrangement.”  Usually, infidelity is an issue with this sort of guy as well.

Under the surface, the woman’s ego may think that in time he’ll change, come closer to her, and through her love and sexual prowess, make him commit.  It is extremely unlikely for that to happen.  This man knows the drill; can recite it in his sleep, like a lecturer who has given the same speech for decades to his audience.  This man knows what he wants; casual sex and that’s about it.  This “relationship” is like building a house on a tremendously crooked foundation – the house will eventually topple over and fall, meaning it’s never going to turn into a successful and meaningful union.

On the other hand though, there are those who are predisposed to fear of commitment for a variety of reasons and even though they are, they can and do change if and when they meet the right person.  Sometimes it takes that special someone to bring out the best in another, when the match is really correct between the two parties.

However, the fearful person needs to be a sincere person and must in some say shape or form be open to the idea of working through the scare.  If there is some degree of openness, there may be light at the end of the tunnel here.  Frequently, these relationships may evolve clumsily and awkwardly, even with fighting and struggle, but if the fearful person works through their issues, that growth can make a relationship work!  Besides an open heart, it takes tremendous courage to face one’s owns demons, but I have seen it happen. 

I had a client who had met a man who she “clicked” with in a really sincere way right off the bat.  He admitted he had fear of commitment issues, and committed to trying to work on himself.  She, however, was pushy and wouldn’t leave it alone.  “If you don’t want to get married, then just let me know.  My biological cloak is ticking,” she persisted.  This was pushing him away, and I remember adamantly telling her to back off, and let him be his own man and arrive at his conclusions all on his own; not be brow beaten by her.  Luckily for her, she did just that – and in a matter of months, he proposed marriage to her.

Whether a person’s fearful claims are falsely stated, quasi true, or legitimately tied into what happened prior, “fear of commitment” will truly ruin a relationship unless healed.  For those who are the game players, the game continues, with people’s lives being ruined.  For those who are open, willing to work on themselves and legitimately willing to care about another person, healing can and does occur; and it is this courage that opens the door for a strong and lasting partnership.

8- Respect & Appreciation

I have heard so many clients express their frustration and despair regarding how they feel they’ve been taken for granted by their companions, wives or husbands.  “I don’t feel appreciated for anything I do for my wife,” a husband says.  Through time, the gleam in his wife’s eyes has gone away and the magic, once there, faded: hardly any hugs or kisses when coming home from work; sex is less frequent and rather routine; no compliments are paid and little or no respect is shown.  “What went wrong,” he questions in exasperation?

You might wonder, “Why would anyone want to be in a commitment like that?”  Of course none of us would, but then how do so many of us get from being truly once in love to being viewed or seeing our partners like “that old couch in the corner?

Often, this process is very slow in the making and over many years.  It’s like overeating a little at a time, gaining a few pounds every couple of weeks to a month.  In a couple of years that could add up to about 100 pounds!  We get into ruts, patterns, and looking at the same person everyday is perceived as boring, or simply routine!  We lose our respect and appreciation for who they are and what they’ve given us; “I’m so bored with my husband.  I would love to meet someone new and exciting,” a wife fantasizes. 

Here there is a choice; to slip into an affair, or try and build on what she already has that is real and positive.  If she chooses to not see someone on the side, here is one way of beginning to enhance her marriage; this affirmation is an affirmative I have shared with multiple clients with extremely positive results; I now look at my partner as if I am seeing them for the very first time!  By focusing on seeing your lover through these eyes, a new and fresh perspective emerges, which reinvigorates the relationship.

Sometimes a wife feels tuned out by her husband, and doesn’t know why.  She tries to make sexual advances that are rebuffed and blown off.  This is devastating for her self esteem, and builds barriers, not bridges.  Here, the husband has lost his appreciation for his devoted wife, who wants to please him and like Chinese water torture, his neglect wears down the marriage one drop of water at a time, so to speak.  He needs to open his eyes to what he has, or eventually, he may lose his marriage.

When something, anything isn’t taken care of, what happens to it?  If you don’t maintain your lawn, how does it look in 1 year?  A relationship needs to be taken care of also.  Respecting your partner and showing appreciation contributes to that overall maintenance a relationship needs.  Anything left unattended an unnourished, doesn’t prosper or grow; and eventually dies.  If you don’t water your garden, it time, it will die too. 

When either you or your partner  finds that the respect is next to nil and the appreciation is sorely lacking, here are some tips that will help to bring it back:

Tell your partner that you appreciate them being in your life frequently!

This may seem small, but saying that or hearing it said, lights any of us up!  To feel special is a priceless gift…  Being treated shabbily is a dime a dozen proposition – like meeting someone in a bar trying to hustle you into bed…

Voice to others; especially family and friends, just how much you respect your lover!

Instead of the put down, “My husband did another stupid thing today, when is he gonna learn?” Try this, instead:  “My husband is a great person and really smart!  I really respect and admire him!”

Really make love and don’t let your sex life slip!

Sex is important to a romantic and intimate relationship – and it should be… remind your partner that they are beautiful, handsome, attractive, whatever nice superlative you prefer – but don’t avoid intimacy, or let it get routine – it’s not even as much about trying new things sexually, as it is to be present when making love – there for your partner and deeply into them!

Don’t expect -Appreciate

Just like we shouldn’t expect that we’re going to get exactly what we want in our daily lives, we should never expect or demand it from our partners.  “I want a snack,” a husband demands, after his wife has had a long and trying day.  His wife, normally happy to oblige, feels slighted, and not respected.  She has legitimately had a difficult day.  Wouldn’t it make such a difference is he had said, “Honey, I know you’ve had a rough day.  Do you mind making me a snack?”  This shows appreciation, not expectation, and more likely than not, she would be willing to make him the snack. Why?  Because she loves him!

Respect your partner’s opinions and point of view

“Oh boy, what a stupid thing to say,” a husband patronizes!  It’s obvious that none of us want to hear such a thing – especially from the one we love – but it is terribly common, even predictable.

This kind of comment should simply not be said.  Why?  Because it is disrespectful to the other person.  And if it is said over and over again; year in and year out, it causes someone to simply shut down, which wears down the durability of a relationship.  Always be open to what your lover has to say… and if you disagree, state your opinion tactfully.  Don’t interrupt them, but listen.  That concept of we hurt the ones who are the closest to us really needs to be flipped around to be, “We must treat those closest to us the best!”  They have been making the journey with us – they deserve respect in return.

Respect & Appreciation are both qualities that need to be given and received – for a long term relationship to really work, both of these elements truly need to be there – it’s like oxygen and food – both are essential for survival.  And yet, we can see how we may take these two great gifts of the universe completely for granted, as if respect just means that you’re basically not physically or emotionally abusing someone, and appreciation is an occasional thank you.  But that is like saying that putting a penny in your bank account once a year will make you rich someday!

You know that old phrase, “You don’t know what you got till it’s gone?”  Don’t let that happen to you and your partnership, through not respecting or appreciating what you truly have.  Remember, long-term relationships that really can and do work for us are not common.

9- Consideration

Consideration is so often such a misunderstood term.  A lot of people think that being considerate in a relationship is the same as doing anything your partner wants; always saying yes; not having a voice of your own or simply giving in.  Some may see it in those exaggerated or caricatured terms because they’re afraid of giving up the selfishness and self-centeredness that makes them feel in control and get their way.  With selfishness, it’s about the proverbial “me!”  With consideration, “you” becomes equal to “me.”

Think of it this way; Consideration is the ability to be aware of your partners needs; to be receptive to what makes them whole and trying your best to offer it; listening to them with an open mind and heart, and always taking them into account regarding all decisions, choices and in every way.  Consideration is not about being walked all over – it’s about balance and fairness!

Children are selfish; they take other kid’s things, pound their fist for what they want, and cry till they get a new toy.  In short, children are not considerate.  They’re not supposed to be; hopefully that comes as you get older.  But it doesn’t ever come naturally or easily.  It needs to be worked on.  In the same way you demanded as a child and you later must sacrifice for your child when you become a parent, you must learn to be considerate of your lover as the relationship evolves.  And some of us are naturally more considerate than others, but inconsideration is like a repeated, ever present metaphorical slap in the face…

“I don’t care if you have to get up early in the morning.  Let’s have sex tonight,” a husband demands.  “Honey, I am so tired.  Could we just wait till tomorrow,” his wife offers?  This type of situation is quite frequent.  Whether the husband tries to force her anyway, pouts and ignores her, or expresses sincere understanding for his wife’s position, his actions show the degree of consideration or lack of it he has for her.

What do most couples typically fight about?  Money and sex.  Keep in mind that most people live out their power issues in relationships, as most of us don’t simply walk up and down the street, trying to control and boss around strangers – it is all usually done behind closed doors with our lovers where it may not be seen by anyone other than our partner.

With money, it shows who controls the partnership.  Simply stated, whoever controls the purse strings, controls the relationship. Money is about power!  If you’re even questioning this thought, ask yourself if men and women who are financially poor have the same stature and influence in this world as men and women who are rich? 

When one partner is financially inconsiderate of the other, it can be a disaster in progress and break a relationship; “I just bought a whole new set of living room furniture,” a wife confesses to her husband.  “Don’t worry; we’ll somehow pay it off.”  The husband is angered – even enraged; understandably so.  Were his needs taken into consideration, not just financially, but emotionally?  He also has to live with the repercussions of his wife’s choice here…

Consideration is a day-by-day effort – it’s like showering.  You probably don’t only take a shower once a week.  For most of us, staying clean is a daily task.  We need to look at consideration in the same way; each day has it’s challenges and its choice’s; and when we’re in a commitment, none of our choices are separate or isolated from our partner – it is like being joined at the hip – but in a good way! 

For example:  You’re hungry.  Do you just eat, or ask your partner what they would like to eat, and make a collective decision?   A friend calls up and says he wants to come over tonight and visit.  Do you just make that arrangement without consulting your spouse first, as it affects them too, or do you ask if it’s ok with them?  You want to take a vacation.  Is your mind already made up where you want to go, or are you going to openly discuss it with your significant other so both of you can enjoy your getaway?  By considering your partner, you really do give your union the legitimate opportunity to grow well into the future.  

Through consideration we not only become better individuals, as the world is never just about “me,” we strengthen the intimacy, connection, security and potentially lifelong bond we currently share.

10- Selfishness & Ego

When you’re a championship athlete, a rapper or rock star, selfishness and ego may not only be good – they may be the very essential components that are actually required to get you to there – straight to the top – as it must be all about you!

But selfishness and ego are among the worst things in a relationship – destroying partnerships and people’s lives in a most horrifying way!  It “being all about you” discards, marginalizes and ruins your partner, as they become reduced to a role of emotional slavery.  But often, this is done on purpose…

Like two dogs that meet, and then fight for supremacy: who is the top dog — who is the pack leader — who is privileged and who gets to eat first?  This process also can happen when two people enter into a relationship.  Who is dominant and who is passive, and to what degree does that selfishness suffocate and strangle the other person, as well as the relationship?

“We’re moving to Florida.  That’s where I want to live, so pack your bags,” a selfish wife instructs her husband.  “But I don’t like Florida. I’m afraid of hurricanes and the heat is not good for my health,” her husband tries to reason.  “Too bad, that’s where we’re going,” the wife finalizes the discussion.

The selfishness here, besides being just that, also changes the course of her husband’s life – potentially forever.  This is not a small choice, like eating out or cooking tonight.  He is stuck – he can either make the move, reluctantly, and experience potentially serious health problems, or stay behind, which may lead to a divorce or at least a separation.  Either way, he loses, as he wants to be with his wife, yet shouldn’t sacrifice his health.  Her selfishness completely discards who he is and what he needs.

“I just got a huge promotion, and bought a new Mercedes Benz,” a man brags to his friends at dinner.  “I should be running this company in just a while.  In fact, my sales numbers were the biggest in the company this past quarter,” he continues to boast.  The friends, who are somewhat embarrassed by his prideful display, try to change the subject and ask his wife a question, “Jane, I heard you were thinking of going back to school.  What did you want to study?”  Before Jane can answer, her husband brings the conversation right back to himself again.  “You know, I recently heard that I might be getting an enormous bonus at the end of the year.”  His wife and their friends sheepishly concede defeat, and everyone has to endure this onslaught of her husband tooting his own horn.

Here, though, the ego is not going to be isolated to merely his career.  It will always be about him: when he wants sex, what is being talked about, where we’re going on vacation, always having to be right and how we’re spending money.  His ego is suffocating – and that is on purpose.  He’s not stupid; he likes it that way!  Jane is an object, not a three-dimensional individual within this marriage.  His ego, through time, will get her so worn down that she either files for divorce, or becomes so imploded she can barely function.

Through selfishness and ego we function and build primarily from our root chakra, our survival chakra – the first chakra of our seven spiritual chakras – our genital chakra.  What is the root chakra for?  Simply stated; Sex and survival.

We must become giving and humble in our partnerships and in life – it is the way we are designed to evolve.  We are not suppose to stay like animals who fight for supremacy, and struggle over who eats first (which is literal and also representative of any situation where one person has to be first and the other, second)…  That is a primitive and disgusting proposition for human beings who must heed the calling of growing up, spiritually, ethically, morally and in plain and simple terms, just becoming better and kinder people.

This is of ultimate importance when trying to build a long lasting relationship.  Two must learn to work as one and when two become one, long term success and happiness can be achieved.