Voice of the Spirit

I would like to offer a very special Valentine’s Day greeting to you.

One of my psychic clients was telling me her view of Valentine’s Day in a reading I was giving her just yesterday. Her simplicity and sincerity was heartfelt and heartwarming to say the least and I’d like to share some of her sentiments with all of you.

“You don’t need to buy anyone anything — just tell them that you love them,” she said. “Even if it’s not a lover, tell someone in your life that are loved and appreciated,” she went on to say. “Just let someone know that they’re special to you.”

Thanks for the inspiration!

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you,
Jim

Most of us who are parents never realize the complexities, challenges and effort it will ultimately take when we first bring a child into this world.  Often, we are excited, perhaps for our own subjective reasons and hope that our kids do “turn out” in a certain way; the way we want them to.  However, as the story unfolds, it is filled with twists and turns, some perceivable, while others that can only be experienced and learned as things develop throughout time, frequently in surprising ways to all concerned.

Deep karmic ties

Before we were born into the physical world, we chose our parents, exactly in the same way our children also choose us as their parents before they come into an incarnation.  Children and parents always have deep karmic and spiritual ties, contractual agreements and lessons to mutually learn.  It is never a clean slate between a parent and a child, as in looking at a blank canvas before one paints on it.  There are already former lifetimes shared and pre-written karmic agreements formed spiritually before either the parent or child has incarnated into this current lifetime.  This all happens on the other side, between physical incarnations, where all of the souls involved agree upon terms, conditions, lessons to learn and the ultimate spiritual goals that are to be achieved in a given human journey.

If you were raised by difficult or even abusive parents yourself, you might question, “Why would I have chosen them as my parents, when they were so horrible to me?”  The answer is that we choose our parents and vice versa for what is to be learned spiritually, which could literally be anything - lessons hold infinite possibilities. It all depends on what the souls involved are here to experience!  In a perfect world, every family is not meant to be the stereotypic perfect family: two kids, two happy parents, living in the suburbs, etc.  Each parent and child dynamic is quite unique unto itself and must be assessed on a case by case basis.  These very lessons are what often make parent / child relationships quite complex, with many dynamics and layers to be worked through.

How is your child special and unique?

There are many things that are absolutely singular and unique about your child and every child.  What are their special talents?  What are their one of a kind personality qualities, or quirks?  What stands out about them from the time they were learning to crawl?  As you stop and think about it, these are things that make your child who they are - before they incarnated with you.  The very qualities and talents they possess before being born into this lifetime are theirs, as they bring these gifts with them.

As a parent it is your job to foster, nurture, encourage and help to develop all that is special about your child.  Whether it’s a great musical or artistic gift, like a child who starts drawing, then painting before kindergarten, or someone who shows tremendous abilities to play the piano, seemingly out of nowhere.  It is never out of nowhere.  It comes from the accumulative work and efforts of what he / she has done before being born to you, the parent.  Here, the parent provides the vehicle for the child to blossom into who they are, but the parent should not decide who and what their child must be.  It is already there!  We as parents just need to observe and help it along, so to speak.

Often, the child chooses the parent who is completely willing and able to help them manifest what is unique about them.  For example:  a child who has the gift of athletic ability may choose to be born to a father who himself is an athletic coach.  This sets the stage for the parent to easily and organically be able to help their child along his way to becoming who they are meant to be and therefore, the contract between the two souls can be fulfilled.  Never forget, every single child has attributes and qualities that will never be found in anyone else - ever!  With that in mind, as parents, we keep our eyes and ears open to observe what makes our child special, unique and one of a kind.  These attributes may be revealed later in life as opposed to early on, as mentioned above.  There is no strict rule of thumb for the timing of when it will all start to come of age, but it does happen, sooner or later.

Kids have their own lessons and karma

Besides the special gifts, talents and unique talents of every child, each child also has their own lessons to learn and karma to be worked through.  This also comes with the child before they are born into a human body.  Their lessons are theirs, regardless of how you raise them: meaning, there is nothing you can do to eliminate or take away their lessons and karma.  How you do raise them though, will determine if you help them to learn their lessons, as in assisting them in a positive way, or make it inherently harder for them to work through their lessons and karma by not guiding them in the correct fashion for them.  As a parent, you won’t be able to learn the lessons for them.  No matter how hard you try or how much you love them, they will have to go through certain experiences, hardships, struggles and pain - in short, going through it themselves! 

Even if a parent raised a child absolutely perfectly, (as many of us have aspired to do) they will still have we call in today’s world, baggage!  We must understand our part in all of this! We have not created this baggage; therefore, it is not ours to be able to take it away.  We are there to assist, offer counsel, support, even limits when needed.  We are not intended to merely be just ineffectual bystanders. We participate in the process, but we cannot become the child and step into their shoes.  We can’t be them, or try to take all of their work away from them!  Sometimes this process is so hard for a parent who truly loves their child with all of their heart - not wanting to see them suffer or struggle at all.  However, with the spiritual awareness that their lessons and karma belong to them, we, as parents now know our appropriate role.

Mini me

Sometimes we like to look at our kids as a mirror of us - a reflection of our personal values — an extension of who we are, like a miniature action figure or tiny doll made in our image, a mini me!  If we have preferences, likes, dislike, vocations, religious orientations, we somehow assume that our children will take on our own sensibilities.  If you take a survey of parents anywhere, I bet you would find that most parents have had the exact opposite of what they wanted occur - that their kids have often gone against their values, if not as a statement of rebellion, but as a statement of who they are as individuals. And that is a good thing.  Our children are not miniature versions of us.  They have their own uniqueness and like each of our fingerprints are naturally different, so are we as people - those differences even exist within the sacred bond between parents and children.

We must never lose sight of the fact that even though our children may not follow in our footsteps, they are still affected by us.  If we disapprove of them not replicating us, criticize or condemn them for not building upon who we are, we internally damage and scar them.  Caught between the push and pull of trying to be who they are while being put down by us, the internalization of such guilt really ways heavily on our children.  That guilt can cause multiple problems including low self-esteem and self-destructive behavior.  As each of us as an individual has a set of contributions to offer to the world, God never makes two people to be alike.  Therefore, our children are not supposed to be mini me’s.  It may seem that our bond with them would be stronger if they were clones of us, but it would only inhibit our children from being who they truly are in essence and as individuals.

Even if raised perfectly, they won’t be perfect

Sometimes as parents we look to our relationships with our children as a vehicle to heal our past pain with our own parents, a way of righting the wrongs and hurts of the past.  We may try and be the perfect parent - we will never hit, abuse, scream or yell at them!  Everything will be talked out and reasoned in a compassionate way.  Money is there and a peaceful home will always provide the solace a child needs.  In some strange way, it could almost make sense.  Look at adults who have so many issues from their childhood and upbringing.  Imagine if that negativity had never initially been there; how different this adult would be today, for the better!

However, all of us come into this world with karma and lessons, which initially start off as blind spots in our personality structure.  When we have a lesson to learn, we won’t perceive it before it’s learned.  We only know it once the lesson and karma are resolved.  We will pick personality qualities before incarnating that facilitate the learning, which people could perceive as our bad qualities, even though they are not necessarily bad in reality.  For example:  If one’s lesson is to become humble, they will architect a personality before being born that is arrogant.  This way, there is a vehicle to set up this lesson.  With an already existing humbled personality, everything would have already been a completed fact and already known.  With an arrogant personality, one’s ego goes through different experiences whereby the ego is engaged, encountering struggles, frustration, adjustments, growth and finally, transcendence.  Humility ultimately occurs.

Often, our desire to make our children perfect by raising them perfect is about us and our need to feel good as parents.  Through this perfection, we’re trying to alleviate our own guilt, our own senses of inadequacies.  Through the lofty goal of perfectionism, we become OK!  If I raise the perfect child, then my guilt is washed away clean like being forgiven by Jesus himself, which is something a parent may incorrectly feel inside.  However, with these perfectionistic goals, we make our children neurotic, obsessive, compulsive to be the best and in their absolute desire to please, they may shut down, because they can never reach our standards, the standards that have been inherently unattainable and unfair all along.

When kids are raised the same, they turn out different

Many parents in stable homes raise all of their kids the same way; the same values, disciplines and structures.  The kids have been born only a year or so apart.  The money situation has been consistent as well and no tragedies have befallen the family.  If we came into an incarnation with no predispositions, karma, qualities or pre-existing conditions from former lifetimes, then these children should all turn out the same, or at the very least, close to the same.  For those who believe that we come into this world as nothing more than a blank piece of paper, what would their explanation be for children who were brought up exactly the same, turning out radically different from each other? 

Here again, we see how past lives play into the picture.  As mentioned above, before a child is born, they have acquired many gifts and talents throughout several lifetimes, bring a special quality that is theirs alone, which doesn’t belong to anyone other than them and most certainly have spiritual / karmic lessons they must go through to learn.  And yes, each of us know this before we are born here.  We agree to what we’re supposed to do!  Being born in the physical plane is the ultimate in dumbing down.  We virtually forget everything. Why?  So we can start as infants to grow and learn - to be ourselves and evolve as individuals, certainly not duplicates of our siblings.

For example:  The parents of John Hinckley, the man who was stalking actor Jody Foster and tried to assassinate then President Ronald Reagan to impress her, were emphatic that they raised all of their kids exactly the same.  There were no tragedies, shocking surprises in their upbringings or u-turns.  Nothing was out of the ordinary.  So what happened?  Why did their son do what he did, then?  Because these were his qualities, his choices and on some level, who he was, even though it seems unfathomable to most of us.  With other examples such as three siblings who all choose diametrically opposed careers, or acquire conflicting religious beliefs, brothers and sisters are never joined at the hip regarding who they are.

The key as parents is to offer the same degree of love, consistency, structure and rules to all of our children, although, with the knowledge that they will all turn out different from each other.  We shouldn’t compromise what we know to be right and wrong, yet each child is still going to be who they are; on a soul level.  With that awareness in mind, we are not intimidated by each distinctive and separate essence each of our children bring to us and to the collective as a whole.  We know our job is to realize that the same formula forever yields completely varying and different results.  Since each child has different needs, talents and strengths, as a parent, you do what you can to bring out and enhance what works for them.

Both parent and child teach each other

It would seem normal to presume that as parents, we are the teachers of our children.  After all, we are the adults, who have gone to school, had careers, paid the bills and made our way in this world.  Children come into the world, not even knowing the terrible physical dangers that are present in this world - say wandering into the street naively.  From a spiritual perspective though, it is quite different.  As the great metaphysical master Florence Shinn said, “No one is your friend, no one is your enemy, everyone is your teacher.”  Teaching and learning, from a spiritual point of view, is not about who has the life experience and has gone to college being the actual instructor.  It is a much more deep and profound sense of learning; the concept that everyone we meet is divinely designed to teach us, as we are to teach them.  This higher sense of education is architected in divine mind, perfectly and immutably.  The people we meet, connect with, even bring into this world are already designed to be taught by us and vice versa.  Infinite intelligence already knows this. 

With that in mind, we reevaluate our relationship with our children in a new way.  Instead of being the parent who says, “This is the way it is, end of issue,” we learn to listen and to be open minded.  Certainly we must guide and raise our children, in short, do our job; while at the same time, we are ever learning from them.  There is never such a thing as a one-way lesson.  Teaching is a two-way street.  As children learn, parents learn, or are suppose to.  Often, parents refuse to live and learn and grow through their experiences with their child.  Rigidity makes adults closed to growth and non-flexible.

Certainly, any parent would tell you that there have been many unexpected surprises in raising their children, some easy to handle, while others, quite challenging.  However, there is always something to learn.  This concept should be even taken a step further; it is divinely planned what we’re suppose to learn, therefore, we should assume and trust that our experiences with our children are there to not only teach them, but to enlighten us and expand our growth as well!

Parenting is a job

Parenting is a job - a full time job - with no paid vacation days, or personal days.  It is a constant, ever present job that is work - hard work.  Often, before having kids, we think of how cute and adorable they’ll be laying in their crib, endlessly giggling and then beginning to crawl.  But kids come with their own baggage and set of issues as established above, no matter how perfectly they are raised.  It is important as parents to approach parenting as a job, with its own set of rules and regulations and challenges.

We must love our children - unconditionally.  Not love them only till they do something we don’t like, or even resent, such as marrying a person we can’t stand, doing poorly in school, or indulging in negative behaviors.  With unconditional love, it just is…a continual and endless stream of light and love, without judgment whatsoever, pouring down eternally from the highest universe through us and to our children.  It cannot have conditions on it - or the love will fall short.   No matter who or what our children become, when we love them unconditionally, it will always end up being better for them, meaning that unconditional love always helps our children in one way or another to become better people.  And that doesn’t mean that we need to be doormats and let them walk all over us.  If our children, say, had stolen something from us, there must be consequences for such an action, but the love never stops!  If they don’t do their homework, they must be directed to do so - and if consequences or restrictions are necessary, that is fine.  Yet, unconditional love means that even when they’ve done wrong, they are dealt with by us in a nurturing, compassionate, kind and supportive way.

We must prepare our children to become functioning members of society.  That is our job!  Someday, they will need to take their place alongside everyone else in this world with people who won’t be nice to them and people who won’t care.  Our day-by-day job is to set them up to be able to be a part of this enormous collective consciousness and contribute positively; in whatever way they are divinely designed to do so.  Our relationship with them is secondary to who they as individuals and who they need to become in their adult lives. 

It is a bonus if they can love us in return - but we can’t expect it.  Expecting it is selfish and defeats the purpose of parenting - again, to prepare our children to join this ever moving journey, where only they can bring to the table what God has gifted them with.  Let us say that our kids loving us in return is a nice bonus, like receiving a huge year end check at the end of the year, but we must not be waiting for it.

The hip and with it parent

That super cool parent - the one that initially lets their 6 year old stay up as late as they want - lets them miss school if they don’t feel like going, shares intimate details about their lives in ways that are inappropriate for a youngster; (”I use to smoke pot in college”).  The parent who let’s their kid drink or get high as a teenager, have sex in the house… Of course, most kids would love a parent like that, because they let the child do whatever they want.  How many kids do you know that would rather stay up all night and miss school the next day versus go to bed early and get up and go to school on time? 

This is the parent who wants to be accepted, approved of and not seen as the bad guy.  When a parent goes missing in action and becomes more like a cool big sister or brother, they dramatically harm their child.  However, that child will probably love their mom or dad for being their friend, their buddy - not the authority figure!  (Even if later, the child, as an adult, wakes up and realizes how unstructured and dangerous their upbringing was, they will certainly love this type of parent as they’re growing up).  That kind of love from a child is deceptive and dangerous, because it is at the expense of doing what is in the best interest of the child.  As sobering as it is, parenting is often a thankless job, but it is our obligation to do what’s right by our children.  After, all, we’re the ones who brought them here in the first place.

Ann Landers

The legendary advice columnist Ann Landers once did a survey of her readers.  The basic question was: “If you had to do it all over again, would you still become a parent?”  Overwhelmingly, most respondents said “No, they wouldn’t have children if they had to do it all over again.”  What this means is that somehow, they didn’t get what they wanted out of the experience, which indicated that their expectations weren’t met.  Whether those expectations were that their kids turn out the way they wanted them to, take over the family business, marry someone they approve of, choose a lifestyle the fits their existing values as parents, some or all of these expectations were not met.  With that in mind, it begs the question, what should our expectations be as parents?

I don’t think we can expect a conclusion set up in our own minds and designed by us, as we never truly know what will ultimately transpire regarding our children and their relationship to us.  Certainly, we can’t ever really make them into what we want them to be.  However, we can hope for the best!  We can do our jobs correctly, with humility!  We should call upon God’s divine guidance every day to lead our children in the best way humanly possible!  In a sense, though, it all comes down to our egos - if our ego’s are engaged and invested into our parenting roles, we’ll always come up short.

Don’t let your ego get involved

“How dare my child not respect me?  Who do they think they are, going against my wishes,” a parent questions?  “After all I’ve done for them, they show no appreciation whatsoever,” the parent concludes.  With this righteous indignation, what is really behind what is being stated and the actual problem at hand?  It is the ego of the parent, with all of its dominance, pride and rigidity.  The ego wants what is wants - plain and simple.  Ego doesn’t deal with compromise, or understanding.  Ego is about being king or queen! The more we come from a place of ego as parents, the more we’ll run into trouble with our kids.  Ego attracts itself right back to itself.  Meaning, if you’re coming from a place of ego, people will mirror right back to you your own ego - especially your children.  Why?  Because we interact with our kids on such an intimate level, that whatever their deep-seated issues are, become engaged by us and vice versa!  It’s the same thing with intimate lovers; both parties trigger whatever baggage exists within.

So how do we then deal with our egos as parents?  We must try to not come from a place of ego, as much as possible.  It is never good to parent from our egos.  We should always try to rise above such a lower level of consciousness and surrender the process of raising our kids to our higher selves, where all answers are within reach and divine guidance is ever present.  When we rise above the ego, kindness and perfect guidance will be the foundation of our interaction with our children. We’ve all heard the phrase, you catch more flies with honey that with vinegar.  It is the same thing here.  With surrendering our egos, we no longer expect our children to be grateful.  We have no real right to expect them to thank us, appreciate us, or even acknowledge what we’ve done for them.  That is simply our job.  With that increased sense of humility in mind, we learn to become, as God wants us to be; serving humbly without expectation of reward or appreciation.

Don’t overreact

“You got what on your report card?  You mean to tell me that you have three “F’s” for this grading period,” a parent screams as they question?  “I can’t believe this.  You’re grounded: no telephone, computer, no friends over - go to your room,” the parent shrieks in disgust!  Most of us as parents have probably been through this scenario or something similar.  However, when we take a step back, we should realize that we’ve overreacted.  We’ve taken it too far.  Yes, three “F’s” are not good.  In fact, it could be a real problem.  But does screaming accomplish anything at all?  Of course it doesn’t. 

It either makes the kids angry and defensive, or feeling terrible about themselves, or a combination of both.  None of these internalized energies by the child will help them bring up their grades.  The overreaction only adds fuel to the already existing fire.  So what would be a better way to handle it?  Certainly, the parent has the right to express concern, even disappointment; but in a clear, solution based way.  Why did these grades slip?  Once the problem is established, what’s the plan of action to fix this situation?  This way, the problem is seen by the child as an issue that needs to be resolved, not an emotionally charged out of control blaze of fire with all of the extra appendages that go with this type of drama: anger, rage, defensiveness, acting out, low self esteem and throwing in the towel, because it all seems too insurmountable to the child.

Again, here we see how our children teach us.  If we learn to not overreact, we gain mastery and control of our emotional natures - we learn to become understanding, and most of all, we learn to see things in their proper perspective, not from a highly charged vantage point.  On a deeper lever, this is a lesson of acceptance for us, rising above the judgmentalness that has plagued all of us, whether by being judged or through judging others.  By accepting our children for who they are, we not only help them to grow in self-acceptance, we also help ourselves to rise to a higher level of consciousness.

Children learn by example, not what we say

It had been said that the best type of leader is one who simply leads by example - the person who just does what is right day-by-day, without fanfare or show.  It has been reinforced time and time again that these leaders, whether parents, athletic coaches, teachers, or bosses, have the strongest and most positively profound impact on others.

If we drink, how can we tell our children that they should never drink?  If we smoke, how can we yell at our kids if we catch them with a cigarette?  If we swear all day long and use foul language, how can we censor our children when they do the same?  The answer is obvious — we can’t.  It’s that old hypocritical adage of “do as I say and not as I do.” 

Whether we know it or not, our children really do learn from us - not so much from what we say, but from what we do, even when they’re rebelling and pretending they don’t notice.  They absorb our examples and take their cues in one way or another from us, every single day!  We must set the stage and lay the groundwork, always making sure to raise the bar to the right level.

Think of yourself - do you like to simply be told what to do?  Who does?   Our kids feel the same.  They don’t like to be ordered around, either.  Of course, there are certain things we have to tell them to do, (chores, homework, going to bed) but the point here, is that if you simply set the example every day, consistently, along with letting them know the basics, it will have a much greater impact on them as opposed to telling them how to behave or how to live their lives.  If it doesn’t appear like you’re shoving it down their throats, they’ll absorb and process it all so much more easily, in a seamless way.  Why?  Because their defenses and egos won’t get engaged!  It is a masterful way to parent and far more effective than just using words as the law of the land.

Often we don’t see the results of how our examples have helped to shape and define our children till much later down the road.  In the same way that life is a work in process, so are children.  They are ever evolving, especially before they’re fully functioning adults.  Think of the big picture, the accumulative affect!  It is incomprehensible, the infinite things we will have shown our children from birth till they’re adults and even beyond them being young adults.  As the popular therapist Dr. Phil says, “We never stop being parents.”  All that we do as parents makes an enormous difference, more than anything we ever simply say!  The integrity of your sincere and consistent actions speak louder than anyone shouting from the highest mountaintops! 

Children live what they learn!  Never forget the times you understood when they made a mistake!  Remember when you didn’t lie when you could have - the times you bought them gifts as an expression of your love - how about when you listened to them, without judgment?  As we will raise them till they become adults and beyond that and never really stop being their parents, it takes a lifetime of continual positive examples, day in and day out, to guide them correctly. 

This way, we help our children evolve and develop into being the very best individuals they can possibly be.  As adults, they will make the highest possible contributions to everyone they ever encounter and touch throughout their lives, perpetuating the endless cycle of love that is everyone’s true calling - and real destiny.  This way, as parents, we have done our job, fulfilled our contracts and agreements, by simply doing what is right and for the purpose of the highest good, without emotional expectations of any kind, but for the joy of serving God’s humble purpose.

People are exactly who they are

When we look at the various people in our lives, do we ask ourselves, “Who are they,” or do we pose the question, “Are they who we want them to be?”  Whether it’s our lovers, children, siblings, friends, neighbors, co-workers or anyone for that matter, what are we expecting from others?  Beyond that, what do we have the right to expect - from anyone in our lives?  Below, I attempt to address the opposing conflicts of people being who they are, versus who we want them to be.

First impressions don’t lie

Whether we are aware of our intuition consciously or not, when we first meet someone, we get a gut feeling about them.  It is not conscious or thought out!  It is instantaneous.  What we feel about someone may not make sense at the time, but it is always right.  Our intuition speaks to us with a truth far beyond what outer appearance say about a person. “When I met him, I couldn’t stand him,” a woman recalls.  “But then later, I fell in love with him.  I thought he would change for the better, but he never did.  He turned out to be every bit as bad as I first felt he would be the day when I met him.”  But what happens when we don’t listen to our first impressions?

In the 1960’s there was song by Al Wilson called “The Snake.”  The basic plot line of the song was that a woman found this half frozen snake and took it home to warm it up, nurture it and try to love it.  After stroking its skin and giving it a kiss, the snake returns the favor with a vicious poisonous bite.  The woman is terribly upset, yet the response of the snake is cynical; however truthful:  “You knew I was a snake when you took me in.  What did you expect?”

This story clearly illustrates “the snake” is following and living up to its true nature; it is being who it is.  What was the problem, then?  It was the woman’s expectations: wanting “the snake” to behave in a certain way and expecting it to be grateful to her because she saved it.

There are three pertinent issues here: 1) - Our inability to see people for who and what they really are.  2) - Our expectations that people will treat us in the way we feel we deserve to be treated.  3) - Our expectations that people should treat us in a certain way based on what we’ve done for them or our feelings for them.

See people for who and what they are

If someone looked at a trailer, closed their eyes and asked themselves if it was someday going to become a big beautiful mansion, what would the rational response be?  “Well of course not.  It is just a trailer and will never be a mansion,” would be the obvious answer.  The same thing can be said regarding people.  When you look at a person, you can ask, wish, hope and pray that they are going to be someone or something that fits your needs and wants - but is this really true?

When looking at anybody, you must look beyond your own emotional expectations.  This may seem difficult to do, but it is not if you keep one thing in mind; simply look at the facts.  What does this person say to you?  What do they do?  How are they behaving toward you?  Don’t base your perception of the person in question on your personal needs being fulfilled.  Just look at reality.  A person who never contacts you is not trying to build a connection with you.  Someone who won’t return your phone calls is not developing communication with you.  Someone who ignores you when you pass them by is not really open to a relationship with you.  

Also, don’t romanticize what this person may have been through in the past.  Often, we fantasize that someone has been severely wounded or hurt, as a way of giving them multiple excuses for their behavior regarding us.  It’s as if their negative behavior toward us becomes explainable and excusable if they’ve been “hurt before.”  In my experience as a reader, almost all of the times when I’ve seen someone make excuses for another; it is false and has little or no basis in reality.  As sobering and emotionally frustrating as it may be, the facts speak volumes and shouldn’t be ignored!

Don’t be surprised by someone being themselves

Often we seem to be surprised by someone behaving in the way that they do.  Appearing startled, it’s as if we pretend that we didn’t see it coming.  “Why did my sister treat me this way again, always ignoring me and not returning my phone calls,” a brother questions?  However, is there really anything to be dumbfounded about here?  For most of his life, his sister has ignored him over and over again.  It would be as if every time you ate a certain food, it made you nauseous, but each time it was eaten, you would seem shocked by this occurrence.

Like the old phrase, “a leopard doesn’t change its spots,” his sister has demonstrated the same patterns continually!  So why is her brother surprised, then?  Because he is holding onto the hope that his sister is indeed going to change.  With that hope as the basis of his perception of her, reality becomes like a splash of ice-cold water in the face upon waking.  Since he wants his sister to treat him well so badly, he is willing to exchange hope for reality.  This sets him up to feel like he was blindsided by a truck while calmly driving down the highway.  It’s not that he didn’t see it coming; he chose to not see it coming; therefore, each time that he is disregarded, he goes through the same painful reaction, like scratching an old wound open once again.

If every time you drove down a street full of potholes, your car hit them and damaged the alignment, would you keep driving down the same street?  Illustrated in this way, it almost seems silly to repeat the same choice; but it is indeed the same scenario to set up this predictable emotional hurt again and again.  Instead, if he decided to acknowledge who she is and adjust his expectations accordingly, it sets him up to be much less vulnerable to her negative treatment.  This frees him to first feel better about himself by not allowing her to keep repeatedly victimizing him. 

We can pick our friends, but we obviously can’t pick our family.  Family relationships can be complex, frustrating and are often karmic.  While there are no easy guidelines, I think it’s important to keep certain things in mind: First, you can try to let your family know your needs and see if they are responsive to them.  If they are not open to or considerate of your needs then one has to decide how much to keep the door open.  One can minimalize various family members, but because it is family, it should be decided carefully and on a case by case basis.  In rare instances, ties may need to be dramatically reduced based on issues that simply don’t get resolved.  Always keep in mind, though, that they are simply being who they are, not who we want them to be.

Don’t expect them to change based on your love of them

Love is unconditional.  Real love is without expectation.  Pure love is the highest form of acceptance imaginable!  However, the kind of “love” we’re referring to in this writing, for lack of a better term, can be called “self interest love.”  With “self interest love,” it is that sense of getting what we want.  Unless our desires are fulfilled, we experience the downward spiral of disappointment that first started with fantasy and hope.  Once we realize that he or she isn’t really ever going to change based on our feelings for them, it can be devastating.

“If I continue to love him, I believe that someday he will love me in return,” a woman firmly states.  Here we see how our own emotional expectations define what we believe to actually be truthful about the outcome of a relationship situation.  For any of us who are not involved in those emotions at the time, we could comment on how inaccurate her statement appears to be.  It’s as if she has decided that this is the way it is - end of story.  It’s all based on believing that her love is going to work the miracle: change him, draw him to her and cause him to ultimately love her. 

One could counter with the question, “Why should she love him if he won’t ever love her back?”   Let’s take the question further: Why does anyone love anyone if it won’t ever work out?  First, when we do emotionally commit to someone, we never know the outcome.  However, there is a big difference between hoping someone will love us in return, versus expecting them to do so!  The woman mentioned above has created an expectation sort of like the sureness that most of us have that the sun shall rise in the morning.  Well of course it probably will, but we should refrain from having that same sureness regarding another person giving us what we want, all based on what we feel for them! 

Who loves someone and holds onto those feelings all the while believing that nothing is really ever going to work out anyway?  That would be ridiculous!  That’s like saying I’ll invest in the stock market, knowing I’m going to lose everything I have!  However, hope (within reason) is certainly much more applicable here.  With hope, though, we must also be grounded in reality.  Hope cannot take the place of the facts and the truth of what the other person is doing or not doing regarding us.

However, when our love of another has expectation attached to the belief of changing someone else, it becomes dangerous.  We somehow become justified in our feelings, as if somehow we deserve their love in return.  “I have put a lot into this relationship; therefore I deserve something in return,” a person demands!  This leads to resentment, rage and a possible explosion in our lives.  It’s as if we’re waiting for the birthday present we expected that never comes!

From a higher perspective, try to not base loving someone on changing them, as it doesn’t work that way.  God made us with free will, autonomy and sovereignty.  We are not designed to change based on another’s affection for us.  That is an individual decision, whether it’s emotionally pleasing to us or not!  Rise above that terrible entanglement of the emotions and disappointments that come with the following self-defeating formula:  Love + patience = change of the other person = them loving me in return!

The rescuer expectation

The story of “the snake” given above illustrates an example that gets played out constantly, where a person believes “the snake,” or negative individual involved won’t really end up hurting them.  You might ask, “How could anyone be so blind?”  Because our ego gets involved and the ego wants what it wants!  I believe I’m going to win!  Somehow I will get them to love me, and I will win the battle.  When I do, I’ll feel like a superwoman or a superman!  If a person in this position can get “the snake” to love them, it’s as if they have played the role of God!  In reality, we never love a person like this is spite of their bad qualities; we love them because of their bad qualities!  The badness provides that ultimate challenge and with that challenge, it makes the supposed victory seem so much sweeter.  If you were a boxer, would you feel pumped up knocking out a tiny little 90-pound weakling, or would you need to defeat the heavyweight champion of the world to feel victorious?  Besides feeling merely victorious, the ego projects the essence of being in control through trying to conquer as well.

In these instances, the ego masquerades as being nurturing, caring, kind and even compassionate.  “I have been put in this person’s life to help him heal,” becomes a lofty rationalization.  The illusion of a higher destiny comes into play.  This is merely a smokescreen to hide the true motives behind such actions.  The real motive is that the person wants “the snake” to love them - plain and simple.  And that’s not a bad thing - it just isn’t a higher, compassionate and selfless form of action.  However, with the guise of compassion, one looks admirable in their self-destructive pursuit of people who are like “the snake.” 

Perhaps the root cause of this entire scenario is that the rescuer is trying to actually rescue themselves.  They are attempting to heal their own low self worth through being loved by the other person who is emotionally unattainable (the snake).  It’s as if the validation through being loved is the magic wand that cures everything.  Therefore, “the snake” is given a power over them (in their own mind) equivalent to God Almighty!

But do we ever win this contest?  Depending on the stubbornness and size of our egos, we keep hitting our head against the wall.  Sooner or later, we either get humbled and truly walk away from dangerous relationships, or we keep repeating the same pattern.  At some point, though, we will all get tired of the snakebite, so to speak, and move forward to meet people who truly nurture and care for us!  In this way, we do finally win!

Don’t take it personally

“Judy did it to me again!  Every day I come into work she says something rude and offensive to me.  I’m sick of it,” John exclaims!  Most of us would sympathize with John as no one wants to be addressed in that way.  He took is personally, as most of us would, too.  After all, it was done to him, so why shouldn’t he take it personally?

In reality, though, a person’s behavior toward us has very little to do with who we are, even though what they are doing is being done to us.  It says far more about them than it ever could indicate about ourselves!  Actions are a mirror; a mirror of all that is inside of someone who performs the actions.  We, as individuals merely reflect back to others their own personal inner mirror!  When people attack us, they are in conflict within!  When someone judges us, they are showcasing their internal criticism of themselves.  When someone refuses to acknowledge us, it is a reflection of how they dismiss their own value! 

If that is true, you might say, what can be done then to not take it all so personally?  First, try to gain a perspective that is observational, not reactive.  This way, your emotions, anger and ego are not engaged.  And when you are not drawn in, the treatment of you, however good or bad it is, deflects right off of you and returns to its native nothingness!

Just like when John encounters Judy at work as mentioned above, her actions are about her.  John comes into work, pleasant and friendly, but Judy is mean, slams the door behind her and says something rude.  If you think of it, what did John have to do with this anyway?  Nothing at all…  John’s emotional reaction causes him to initially think that Judy doesn’t do this to anyone else…but that is not true.

Judy has a reputation of being cold, mean, abrupt and terse to virtually everyone.  It just depends on her mood.  It isn’t based on what other people have done or didn’t do to her.  It is built on her ego, arrogance and selfishness.  As her moods overtake the proceedings, she dominates the ambience and the room!  This is all about control!

Remember, when a person conducts themselves in a certain way, it reflects on their level of understanding; their level of consciousness.  Anyone always behaves at their current level of understanding that they possess on a spiritual level.  This way, if you really stop and think about it, it is not about you - it never really is.  With that sense of knowing, it is freeing and liberating to not take it all so personally any longer!

Release the battle and change yourself instead

When it’s all said and done, with all of the energy we put into trying to change people, just think of how much more productive it would be to change ourselves instead?  Don’t worry about carrying the burden of a particular person treating you in a certain way!  Just work on yourself and your reactions to others!  There is an old saying that states that you can’t control other people’s actions, but can control how you react to those actions!  This way, we avoid the obvious frustration of trying to make someone into what we want them to be, therefore, always coming up short.  By releasing the burden and changing ourselves for the better, we become a magnet for new and wonderful people to love us in return — naturally and organically.  Simply by letting go and accepting people for who they are, we set ourselves free!  By doing so, we begin to appreciate ourselves even more and we will magnetize to those who can give something wonderful back to us!  That is the law of the universe - the law of attraction - like attracts like!

In addition, getting off of the roller coaster ride of needing to change people gives us more energy as we’re not drained by that constant push and pull of those types of relationships.  When someone doesn’t change as we have architected them to do, we feel frustrated, anxious, and ultimately as if we have failed!  But this is an unwinnable war!  Sooner or later, we have to throw in the towel…Throwing in the towel is not a defeat, but a victory which allows us the great gift of positive change!  We’re no longer defining our self worth by setting up impossible odds! 

With improved self-esteem, all areas of our lives benefit: health, finance, general well-being and far better relationships will absolutely be ours!  With an improved attitude through releasing the burden and internal change, it is far more likely that all that comes to us will be for our highest good!  It isn’t just the case of letting go of something we want to get nothing in return - period.  By letting go of the battles that can’t be won, we benefit in countless ways endlessly and eternally, bringing to us those who are truly right for us as we are for them!

 So many of us are searching for our perfect partner - the one!  He or she is absolutely out there; of course, the divine universe wants us to meet that special person and yes, we deserve to be happy together… but at what cost?  Believing every new person we meet is the one?  Forcing things into being that are not designed to work - trying to turn a part time sexual partner into a spouse?  Or worse yet, refusing to look at the underlying patterns and issues within us that keep us attracting the same type of wrong person which perpetuates our love lives going around and around in circles?  Let us take a look at these issues and work toward new approaches, healing, clarity and perspective to truly draw to us - the one!

How can everyone be right?

This question may seem quite obvious, you might say.  Everyone isn’t right for any one of us and who could possibly think otherwise?  What about those who literally think that each new person they connect with is the right one?  For many of my clients, periodically a new lover enters the picture.  With each new love interest, certain clients tell me how a new prospect is perfect for them, that the person in question is indeed faithful and marriage is in the not so distant future. 

If I disagree, I will certainly point out what I feel the dynamics of the relationship in question are all about.  When I try to articulate how this new lover is not right for them and they have said the same exact thing about every other person they’ve brought up to me in prior readings, they dismiss what I’m saying.  Instead, they immediately bring the focus right back to the current person in question.  Denying the underlying issues within, they want to hear that he or she is that perfect partner for them and better yet, lets talk about the wedding!  By only hearing what they want to hear, one frequently has to go through heartache after heartache instead of simply listening to what comes through in a reading from spirit for higher guidance.  Beyond that, almost always we do see the red flags that are present ourselves.  We know on a deep inner level that something is wrong.  We can feel it.  The question is whether we listen to our inner voice of truth or deny what we know.

By refusing to see any connection between what makes all of these lovers basically the same person in a different body, no growth occurs.  With that refusal to acknowledge the issues involved, the same cycle simply keeps getting repeated: new lover, it seems perfect, it falls apart, new lover…The difficult thing here is that years, even decades get eaten up by relationships that were not meant or designed to go the distance, where the warning signs are always ever present but ignored and denied.  We must learn to see that if we’re emotionally having the same knee jerk reaction when meeting new people, we must change the old patterns and attempt to look at things more clearly and realistically.

See people for who they really are

One could say that any of us only see what we want to see - we could take it a step further and say we only see what our ego, defense mechanisms and emotions allow us to see.  When we look at someone, what do we see?  Who do we see?  Are we looking at a projection of what we want, the real person or a combination of both?

In only seeing someone as we choose to see them, we set up a terribly faulty foundation to build a relationship upon.  For instance, I’ve had countless clients pretend that a cheating man is actually faithful - that the other women or women he’s sexually active with are merely platonic friends - or that it’s the women who want him as he would never engage in such deception himself.  The problems here are dangerous and obvious as these clients are: cheated on, risking their health, wasting their time and setting themselves up for great disappointment in the end.  On top of that, the disappointments never internally end when the relationships in question actually physically end.  The pain echoes on, facilitating other bad choices, bringing down a person’s hopes, dreams and vitality to live a happy life. 

Not looking clearly at the person who may affect you and your journey more profoundly than anyone else in your life is like strolling onto a highway with blinders on and pretending that none of the vehicles will run you over.  Without realistic perception of our partners, everything goes awry as our choices are based on: delusion, inner emotional deception, false hopes, erroneous expectations and non-truthful projections.  

In seeing someone only partially accurately, it makes choices tricky and difficult.  How deep are their issues?  Is the person in question willing to work on healing these issues?  If it’s just a question of learn to take the good with the bad, put up or shut up, it can be complicated and problematic.  “Well on some days, he’s nice to me, while on others, he ignores me and blows me off.  I keep thinking that maybe I just need to be patient and love him more,” a client rationalizes.  Here’s an analogy:  If someone hugged you on Monday and slapped you on Tuesday, what would you do?  It is so important to realize that if the good and the bad are running a head to head race, relationships don’t usually make it to the finish line in a successful way. 

One could counter these perceptions by stating that everyone is a mixture of good and bad and that no one is perfect.  That goes without saying as of course, no one is perfect.  What’s important though, is the question of whether one’s partner is committed to the relationship or not?  Is sincere effort being put in to make things work?  Are they trying to become a better person for you and themselves?  If it’s just a see saw ride, things eventually collapse.  Here, one should always try to build upon what they perceive correctly about their partner and work from there toward an even deeper understanding of who and what they really are.  Try to make realistic assessments across the board.  This way, one moves toward clarity and with clear vision the decisions that are best in the long run can indeed be made.

If we see a person for who they truly are, it is a Godsend.  Why?  Because for better or worse and whether we like it or not, we can make an informed and accurate choice regarding our potential involvement with them.  By knowing who our lover is, we know what we’re actually in for as acknowledging the truth frees us to make an appropriate decision - whether to stay or go.  Also, knowing what ones good and bad qualities are allows growth to occur.  By knowing the actual problems, one sees what needs to fix things and a plan of action can be put into place.  Communication can improve because what is being talked about is based on reality, not emotional fantasy.  Looking at things honestly helps to cut through the haze of deception, false expectations and cloudiness as highlighted in the above-mentioned examples.  This way, whatever potential a relationship inherently has can be realized in a healthy way.

Playing The Odds

I have had instances where a client tries to play the odds in a reading with me.  “OK Jim, I’ve asked you about 10 different men and now you say number 11 is also not right for me?  Isn’t anyone right for me?” a female client questions in frustration.  Psychic predictions are certainly not a numbers game.  It is not as if one could play the odds and say that if 10 or even 100 prospects are looked at, that certainly one of them must be the right one.  A client may assume that if there are so many people being looked at and I as a reader feel that none of them are a good fit, it can be turned around to make me look negative.  It’s sort of like the majority rules concept.  How can 100 people be wrong and one person be right?  In this instance, the client thinks of love as a poker game; if you keep playing, sooner or later you’ll get a good hand.

Occasionally, I have had times where the first person I picked up for someone in a reading was his or her true-life partner and subsequently, commitment occurs.  Many people soliciting readings ask about tens upon tens of possibilities with none of them being potentially healthy long-term relationships.  Sometimes it’s as if a client feels like they’ve already paid their dues by hearing negative predictions about multiple romantic choices.  They’re fed up now and only want to hear that things will work out with the new person in question.  It’s an understandable feeling that any of us can get frustrated in our search for love, but not at the expense of trying to make a wrong person right.

Remember, as a reader, I can’t make someone be anything other than they are and I certainly wouldn’t pretend to.  I always do my best to look at each situation, energy and possibility dispassionately and with an open mind.  With non-attachment, a psychic is hopefully able to offer the correct assessment at hand for anyone being read for.  Here, the key for any client is to simply look at each person that enters their journey without positive or negative expectation and from a place of openness and receptivity to only the truth.

The turtle and the hare

All of us know the story of the turtle and the hare; the one that went slower, the turtle, actually got there quicker.  We should think of our love lives in the same way.  Take it easy, reasonably and let the pace be natural in getting to know someone.  This way, bad relationships are more likely to be avoided as connections based on false chemistry and illusion aren’t as likely to hook us in.  By not getting reeled into something negative and not right, the space is there in our hearts to allow the right partner to come into our lives.  Remember, we must be an open channel for the divine universe to work through and bring us our perfect partner.  Being in a hurry is like driving through morning traffic to get to work way too impatiently and fast.  An accident may occur.  If something is right, it is most likely to evolve in such a way that is organic, natural, comfortable and makes sense.  The quick fix, immediate connection and the instant soul mate hardly ever leads to anything productive, long-term and positive.

To illustrate the turtle and the hare analogy again, when one goes through many fragmented relationships that could each eat up anywhere from several months to many years, so much time gets wasted.  Those choices could lead to a decade or more of failed relationships.  In the end, one is worse off than where they were when they first started.  Never forget that any of us become scarred through repeated heartache, deception and disappointments.  Think of it this way:  If someone simply moves slowly, most of the bad relationships one could slip into impulsively or carelessly become avoided.  Why?  Because bad relationships often show themselves for what they truly are pretty quickly if you keep your eyes wide open and listen to those around you and your inner voice of awareness.  With less time spent, less pain to work through, one’s heart and spirit are more optimistic and hopeful.  This allows infinite spirit to bring the right partner into the picture.  As I had stated earlier and in other writings, a blessing cannot come to you; it must come through you.  Be an open channel of what you wish to draw to you and throw the rest away!

Again, take your time and allow the relationship to unfold naturally.  Realize too, that if things happen too quick and too fast, one or both parties could activate and involve their defense and survival mechanisms, which could destroy a potentially successful relationship.  How?  Because our defense and survival mechanisms are designed to protect us, keep us alive and out of harms way.  When one becomes emotionally threatened, one’s defenses come to the rescue, causing one to: back off, pull back, withdraw, destroy what’s there, behave in a back and forth fashion, retreat or simply walk away.  By not engaging our fears and survival mechanisms as in: the fear of getting hurt again, the fear of being trapped or the fear of being too vulnerable, we can progress in a much more seamless and positive way with our partners.

I prayed to God

“Jim, he has to be right for me.  I prayed to God and asked for my soul mate to come into my life today.  How can he be wrong if God sent him to me,” a client questions?  First, it is so important to realize that our timing and God’s timing may not be one and the same.  When we pray for anything we must affirm it and own it in the present tense.  However, God may have a different perspective regarding physical time.  What if the right person is in another location and needs to move to your area physically in a year or so to meet you?  What if your perfect partner is going through a divorce and about 3-4 years later will be ready to meet and commit to you?  What if you’re not really ready for a commitment internally, even though you may adamantly think so?  Because you want it emotionally more than anything, you would assume that you must be ready.  Remember, when something is ready for us, it tends to come in - perfectly timed by infinite intelligence.

Beyond that, the first person that comes into you life when a prayer is sent out to the heavens may be a test.  They may not be the correct person at all, but a test:  Have you learned to see people more clearly that you get involved with?  God may send you a person similar to your negative exes to see if you have grown past old habits and emotional patterns.  Have you learned what not to do?  Things are not just so simple as: “I prayed, therefore, God answers my prayers exactly as I want right now!”

Another scenario experienced is when you may have prayed for something, but you have mixed feelings within your psyche about it.  Those mixed energies will also get sent out along with the prayer.  If part of you is closed while another part of you simultaneously open to commitment, you will very likely attract a partner who has the exact same duality and conflict.  We can’t turn off who we are internally.  Just like your heart will always beat, who you are and what you feel in any part of your internal being is always projected outward along with your prayers.

Make sure to pray in the present tense while simultaneously trusting in your heart that infinite spirit knows the right time for you.  Don’t get fooled by those who are not right for you and who may actually represent the same type of lovers you were with in past.  By all means, continue to work on your internal healing; achieving the oneness and pureness of thought, feeling and essence, which manifests the relationship miracles you deserve!

Don’t want it too badly

When we want something bad enough, it is easy, even predictable to lose our objective clarity and clear insight regarding our heart’s longings.  In this instance, our heart’s desire becomes our heart’s disease.  You can look at any number of examples: if someone wants to be famous, they will tend to believe any third rate or make believe “producer” who says they can make them a star.  When someone wants to get rich quickly and easily, they can fall for any number of financial scams such as false lottery winnings sent via email. From a romantic perspective, when one hopes to get married, one can pretend a non committal relationship is leading to an engagement ring.

How much should we want love then?  To attract something, we must be in a state of harmony with what we are attempting to attract.  We must like it, feel good about it, embrace it and be open to it in all parts of our inner being.  Also, we need to feel continually positive and enthusiastic.  However, God would never expect us to “break our backs” to get it.  We must not obsess over it, fret, worry and wallow in frustration, which completely negates the positive prayers we’re sending out.  It is literally like taking two steps forward, then two steps backward.  These examples come to mind:  An athlete may want to win a championship, but at what cost?  Paying someone off to have the star players of the opposing team injured before the game?  We can want to rise in our careers, but at the expense of sleeping 2-3 hours a night?  That is unnecessary, harmful and could kill us!

We must be reasonable in our thoughts and requests to meet the right person.  When we affirm it, send out that affirmation with intensity and clarity.  Then finally - we must release it!  Let go and let God!  Releasing our prayers is the final conclusion of our part in manifesting our hearts desire!  We must absolutely let go so that the wondrous divine universe can do the rest of the job for us.  As the great metaphysical teacher Florence Shinn asked, “Have you ever seen a worried or anxious magnet?  It just sits there and attracts all that is good to it!”

We could never be aware of all of the endless possibilities and variables involved in meeting the one!  Regarding timing, how could we possibly know or calculate all that needs take place to bring the two of us together?  Infinite intelligence surely knows and can arrange everything down to the split second in a far more superior way that we could ever imagine!  What about the countless qualities our perfect partner must possess to be right for us?  Don’t make a list! It will most certainly be incomplete! You would spend the rest of your life trying to write such a list!  Affirm: “God brings my perfect divine life partner into my life today!”  Leave the height, hair color etc. to the infinite wisdom that governs all.

Give up any and all of the burden to a higher power!  Simply do your part:  don’t get fooled by false lovers and believe that everyone you connect with is right, look at anyone and everyone you meet for who and what they are, not what you wish or want them to be.  Please don’t think that the more people you encounter, the more likely someone has got to be right.  Affirm your prayers and affirmations in the here and now!  When making your divine petitions, simply be completely grateful that your requests are answered in the right way — at the right time - as all is perfectly timed in this heavenly universe.  Never forget that before you could ever realize, it is already an established and eternal fact in divine mind!

In my former blog entry; “10 things that make or break a relationship (Part 1),” I mentioned, “We are often conditioned to believe that temporary relationships are somehow not really worth investing into at all.”  In retrospect, I felt that it would be pertinent to write an entire blog entry on the sole topic of temporary relationships: what they mean, their often misunderstood and overlooked value, what we ultimately learn from them and how they play into the bigger collective picture of our love lives.

“Jim, when am I going to meet my soul mate,” a client questions?  “I’m tired of not meeting Mr. Right, so where is he?”  Often, my clients express complete frustration with where their love lives have been and what they’ve already been through.  By the time they ask me the above-mentioned question, they are feeling at the end of their rope.  It’s as if they’ve woken up with the house on fire, and need a fire extinguisher ASAP!

So many of us dream of meeting Mr. or Ms. Right when we are teenagers, even younger oftentimes, but most of the time, your permanent partner will not be the first person you love.  How many of us fall in love with our high school sweet heart, get married, have kids and ride off into the sunset and stay together till death do us part?  Very few of us… 

It is obvious that most of us don’t realize that a relationship will be temporary at the time when we enter into it.  Hardly anyone would fall in love, all the while thinking that it’s never going to work out in the end.  In spite of our best efforts along with all of the emotionalism that comes with a deep relationship, the love that feels so utterly irreplaceable, real and permanent at the time, does not last.

Certain relationships are not spiritually meant to last forever, regardless of how intense we feel at the time.  We often equate intensity with permanence, as if they are one and the same - but they are not necessarily so.  How often have all of us seem someone who thought they had found THE ONE, only later to be dealing with the shattered emotions that come with a break up?  Most, if not all of us.  And while many relationships are not going to last, there are those that ARE destined to be forever and are spiritually / karmically agreed to be the final conclusion of our love lives. 

However, getting there is often much more complex than we could have ever imagined when we engaged in our first romantic kiss.  The important thing is to learn from our temporary relationships.  It’s vital to see the value of how each and every partnership, no matter how bad it seemed at the time, taught us very valuable lessons; lessons that may be critical in being able to truly be prepared for when the right person comes into our lives down the road.

Through relationships that don’t work out, we learn to see what we really need, as opposed to what we thought we needed.  Someone may initially believe that nothing would mean more to them than just sitting at home in a glow of domestic bliss, side by side with their partner.  But as different relationships don’t last, this same person begins to realize that they are more independent than they taught; they still want the partnership, but also, their own sense of space as well.  This awareness can only come through the various experiences in relationships that don’t ultimately last, but do teach us.

Some women may possibly need at least one failed relationship, possibly more, before entering into a lifelong commitment.  Why? To not be jealous, not be clingy and to love him more and need him less. 

If a woman is jealous, that energy can manifest itself is many different ways: over attention he gives to female friends - even male friends for that matter, jealousy over him not wanting to spend every possible moment with her, resentful of other hobbies and activities he may have as well as any close relationships he has with someone other than her; even his own family.

If a woman is clingy, it suffocates the partnership through:  needing constant emotional reassurance along with unreasonable and unrealistic feelings of insecurity.  Losing herself in the partnership through clinginess makes her have less to contribute to the union and will wear down the person she is involved with.

“To need him less and love him more” elevates the relationship to a higher level.  Putting love ahead of need means that it is far less likely for a woman to lean too much on the relationship, but more probable that she will allow him to have a sense of space, (the space I’m referring to here is breathing room and the ability for a partner to have a healthy sense of freedom within a commitment).

On the opposite end of the spectrum, a man may also need one or more failed relationships to be able to commit to a permanent union.  If we ask “why” for a woman, then we should also ask the same “why” for a man; To learn communication, consideration, and get past infidelity, if it is an issue.

When two people are newly in love, communication can seem unnecessary, and somehow there is the illusion that it will all simply take care of itself.  Men often don’t communicate their feelings: what they need, emotionally feel and what they want.  Learning to communicate is not learned over night, of course and through one or more failed partnerships, a man can learn to be more and more verbally expressive and receptive.

Is the concept of men in general being inconsiderate biological or cultural?  I certainly feel that it is cultural, but regardless, men are thought of as the privileged gender; and with that privilege comes inconsideration, as if a man is king.  When entering a relationship, a man may be inconsiderate: their feelings and needs come first, the woman is there to serve him, what he wants is more important that what she wants and we have sex when he has the desire to do so.  But through temporary relationships, a man learns to be considerate; little by little and often, it is a painstaking process, as letting go of selfish habits takes diligence, time and consistency.

If a man has cheating tendencies, he needs to get it out of his system before entering a permanent union.  Imagine the regrets if a man ruined his ultimate relationship by cheating on her through his carelessness and immaturity.  Hopefully, one can learn from their mistakes, grow in responsibility and move toward fidelity. 

Just like in assertiveness training classes, an instructor would tell you to start learning to take charge in your life with very small things; like dealing with receiving the correct amount of change from a clerk at a grocery store as opposed to asking your boss for a raise.  In the same way that Rome wasn’t built in a day, it’s important to know that we learn bit by bit through each and every one of our lovers; what they teach us and vice versa.  Would you really want to try and learn from scratch with your life partner?  That would be virtually impossible to do.  The relationships before the final commitment prepare us, as shown above.

Relationships do not come with an instructional or training manual.  We learn as we love and as we experience.  There are lessons in every relationship that must be taught, than can only be indeed taught by the two people involved.  There is that great spiritual phrase “No one is your enemy, no one if your friend, everyone is your teacher.”  We learn from every union we will ever be in and from a higher perspective, what we learn sets us up to enter into a permanent relationship.  Just like we learn to ad before we do division and divide before taking on algebra, every lover helps us to become who we will ultimately end up being.

Review your past relationships and ask yourself, “What have I learned from everyone I have been with?”  The way they look now is most likely much different that the way they looked years or decades ago. 

At the time a woman may have thought that Bob was the only person for her; there were no ifs ands or buts about it; Bob was the one!  Well, Bob turned out to be a cheater and went so far as to even have had sex with her best friend.  Now, Bob doesn’t look so good after all.  But what did Bob teach her?  Perhaps to not be so myopic and rigid regarding how she views her lovers.  It’s better to be open minded, versus proclaiming an attitude that says, “He’s the one - end of story!”  She may have also learned to not give her trust so freely and easily, as she only knew Bob for a few weeks before she dove in headfirst. 

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard clients as well as friends thank God for not ending up with the person they were once with; and never forget that those endings lead to other options. That old concept of “When one door closes, another door immediately opens,” is very pertinent to these types of commitments that didn’t ultimately last.

Sometimes the intensity of the sexual attraction between new lovers changes everything; it is as if that physical connection becomes like an addictive drug.  In that state of mind, it appears as if there will never be, or need to be anyone else.  But after the sexual excitement tapers off a bit, and there’s nothing else much more there than the animalistic connection, the relationship is seen for what it is. 

And what it IS isn’t bad at all; it is just not permanent.  Again, we learn from these types of relationships as we always do.  I’ve heard many men state how much they were initially so turned on by the act of making love with a particular woman, but in looking back, realize that there was not much else there: no real communication, no common values and no real spiritual values shared either.  The chemistry did the trick, hypnotizing us to think what we’re feeling is so more than it really is. 

It reminds me of how certain actors meet on a movie set; film love scenes together and suddenly get married.  They experienced this energy; albeit it on camera, but by the mere fact that they shared this experience, it opened the door for them to suddenly have a rush of emotions and get married.  Occasionally, one of these relationships works, but for the most part, divorce is usually soon to come.

Don’t take it all too seriously.  If you still want someone from the past, look at him or her for who and what they were.  Chances are, if you look at it with clear vision, you’ll realize that you’re far better off without them.

However, that doesn’t mean that the pain wasn’t real.  What you felt was real.  It’s not just as simple for any of us to chalk it all up to the proverbial learning experience and walk away scott free.  But we need to attune ourselves to the right perspective and release the pain.  Looking at the past in a non-attached, non-emotional way helps us to do just that.

Never forget, though, that a failed marriage or a failed relationship does not spell F-A-I-L-U-R-E!  We cannot try to live up to the perfectionist ideals that state every marriage must be forever - meaning no divorce, ever.  How does anyone know what was agreed to on a deeper soul level by two individuals?  What are they here to teach each other?  There are always lessons to learn and often, many people’s first marriage was the “dress rehearsal,” so to speak, to meeting their perfect life partner, the “main performance,” one could say.

Just like life is a river and completely integrates and blends together, every relationship we’ve ever been through becomes a part of the entire collective of our love lives.  What we learn from all of our temporary relationships is priceless, positive and necessary for us to move forward to meet the right lifelong partner for us.  From hurt, to heartache, to growth, to being humbled, to becoming better people, to learning to make better choices, to learning who we are and what we truly need… as our growth continues… We do ultimately find and unite with the person we are truly supposed to be with - the person who completes us and we complete on a deep and cosmically profound level — as perfectly designed, created and timed by infinite spirit.