Voice of the Spirit

When someone we love transitions into spirit, it can leave us with a gaping hole in our hearts and in our lives.  It’s hard to grasp such an overwhelming and painful loss, unless and until we’ve lived through it.  We expect the phone to ring with them being on the other end — or to come home and there they are, just like it used to be.  But sooner or later, the reality kicks in — they really are gone…and gone for good. 

We will no longer see them in the flesh with our own two eyes, say hello to them, have a conversation, go to dinner, or see them on the holidays anymore.  The emptiness can seem as big as the size of eternity itself, with only our own alienating emotions, many of which are devastating, remaining with us.  We miss our loved ones, and cry, as if a tape loop of pain and misery just repeats itself over and over again… What can we do to find a sense of internal peace with our life altering loss?

The first question I would pose is, “Are they really and truly gone?  Is their “death” like the finale of a movie; the screen says “the end,” and then just goes black…?  Is the story over with, like the last page of a book you’ve just finished…?”  People use the word “death” in such a matter of fact way when referring to anyone leaving this earth. Also, death is the ultimate finality.

 But from a spiritual perspective, a different word may say it best when our loved ones leave this earth; one that says it much more clearly — that word is “transition,” as when our loved ones have transitioned from their physical existence to the other side, where consciousness continues in a different way.  Simply stated, they have moved on, and continue their existence in a new reality.

Think of your loved ones who have transitioned to the other side continuing their journey like the universe we see around us:  grass grows, seasons change, flowers bloom and trees keep rising and tower above us.  They don’t just return to dust – only the physical body does.  Their consciousness continues on in a spiritual reality.  And just like our relationships with people vary in the physical world, the roles our loved ones on the other side do or don’t play in our lives from the other side are multi faceted, with many variables. 

Misconceptions and Falsehoods

I would first like to address with you the many misconceptions, erroneous concepts and falsehoods which people believe regarding their loved ones on the other side and their roles in our earthly journey. These clarifications are designed to offer an accurate perspective regarding the process of our connection to our loved ones in spirit.

1) – Our loved ones are with us and/or supposed to be with us every single day 

This simply is not true.  If they were meant to be with us every day, they would still be here.  They have transitioned, because it was their time to move on, and our time to experience this separation as well.  It can be thought of like a child leaving home to go to college.  However, that does not mean that our ties with them are cut.

It would be like you living in New York, and someone you love moving to Chicago.  Would you be able to see them every single day?  Could they be there with you always? We would still talk with them on the phone, send emails, texts, etc. and indeed see them, but less frequently.  Just like that person who moved to Chicago, when someone we love transitions into spirit, they are not gone forever, just not as much in contact with us as they may have been before. 

Right after a person passes on, they may spend a lot of time around you immediately after they pass.  Sometimes they need to still feel what they’re familiar with, to ease into their new spiritual journey.  They may also want you to feel them to make the process of their transition easier for you.  As time goes on, they should begin moving away from you and focusing on the continuation of their own spiritual journey.  This would mean that contact with them should be lessened.

2) – Once on the Spiritual plane, our loved ones are enlightened

As some people here on the earth plane are spiritually unevolved, while others are highly evolved, it is the same thing on the other side.  Just because someone passes over, does not mean that they are, or become, enlightened.  That assumption cannot be made, in the same way one couldn’t presume that all human beings are either non enlightened or enlightened.  As people always have the option to grow, so do spirits.  While some spirits choose to grow and others don’t, this needs to be looked completely on a case-by-case basis.  Often, a spirit comes through to us in a very similar way as to who they were here on earth and maintain many of their former personality traits; meaning if Dad was humorous as Dad, he may still be that way on the other side.

 3) – Our loved ones become our master teachers and spiritual guides

Just because we may have a connection with our loved ones on the other side, does not mean that they are in a position to guide and teach us on a cosmic level.  First and foremost, our loved ones would have to have the universal knowledge, wisdom and awareness to be able to be our master teachers – the equivalent of a PHD here on earth.  Just because they love us has nothing to do with their spiritual awareness, and what they can offer to us as teachers on a spiritual level for our growth.

When they don’t or can’t come through to us

Sometimes, our loved ones don’t know how, or can’t, come through to us.  As we would like to believe that our loved ones on the other side do indeed come through, there are certain cases however, where they don’t.  Let me explain some of the reasons as to why.

1) – They may be sleeping or resting on the other side 

Especially if they had a long-standing illness on earth, a difficult human life, or a tough transition, they may be in an extended state of rest.  This would be for them to rejuvenate, let go of the attachment to what happened before, in preparation for their new spiritual journey.

2) – They don’t know that they can

Sometimes, a spirit doesn’t actually know that they can come through and connect with us.  It may seem odd, as if one could ask, “In spirit, shouldn’t they know they can reach us here?”  Not necessarily.  If they were closed minded on the physical plane, and didn’t believe spirits could communicate with us then, they may still feel the same.  Even though they are now in spirit, they still may not believe that spirits can communicate with human beings.  Therefore, they don’t know that they are able to reach us.

3) – Have not yet developed the skills

The ability to come through to us from the other side is not a natural given skill.  Unlike being born and naturally being able to breathe without being taught, spirits must learn, or already know how to connect with us.  Our transitioned loved ones must have either: A) – Developed this skill set in another lifetime, or between former lifetimes and still have access to these skills, or B) – Learn these skills now on the other side from one of their master spiritual teachers.  It is very similar to anything studied in school on earth: You have a teacher who instructs you, so you can learn.

 4) – It may not be for the highest good, yet

For reasons we may not understand, it may not be spiritually for the highest good for a loved one to come through from the other side.  It can be an issue of timing:  You may need to deal with certain lessons on your own for your own growth before they are supposed to come through.  There can also be lessons involved that are too complex for us as human beings to understand.  What if both of you are to learn to separate, so that the two of you can learn a lesson of independence from each other?  If the loved one in question was instructed by their master teachers to not come through and if they were listening to and following this guidance, they would heed these instructions, until the time may be right for them to reach out to you.

 5) – They may not be ready to

Sometimes, if the relationship between you and them had been strained, negative or painful on earth, a spirit on the other side may not be ready to come through to us.  Here, they may simply be being stuck and holding onto the negativity they carried over with them from when they were here.  They may have not spiritually grown in such a way to put whatever negative happened between the two of you behind them, at least yet. 

Often, a loved one who transitions may retain a great deal of the personality qualities they possessed when they were here as a human being.  Leaving this world in and of itself does not necessarily reflect on one’s growth and evolution. Again, a spirit, just like a person, may either choose to grow or not to.  In the same way we are not forced to grow here, neither are spirits on the other side.  Hopefully, in time, the negativity will be gotten past, so that a positive connection can be established.

Why and when they do come through to us

One of the first questions you may ask is, “If our loved ones there do come through, does that mean that they can see us?  Do they see what we go through in our everyday lives?  Do they watch over us?”

Our loved ones on the other side certainly don’t watch or view our every move.  Besides violating our privacy, it would not be appropriate for them or for us from a spiritual perspective to (in a sense) be eavesdropping on us all of the time.  They, like us, are also supposed to be learning, evolving and growing.  Remember, they are there and we are here.  Even though the earth plane and the other side are interconnected, it is not as if our loved ones there watch our lives like sitting in front of a TV and watching every scene of a movie. 

They may watch over us to a point; like a parent who’s child has moved out of the house, but is still in contact with them.  The parent still plays a potentially protective role, but more from a distance, then in the way a parent would watch over a toddler.  They may receive information from their master teachers as to the up and coming events in our lives. They will see certain things, perhaps the portions of our journeys that they are spiritually supposed to see, whereby they may be able to offer assistance to us if and when they come through. They themselves may sense if something is wrong, as the connection we have with them, although invisible to our physical eyes, does exist, and it can be thought of as a long distance telephone line between you and they.

With looking at how, when and why our transitioned loved ones come through, there are so many different instances and variables involved.  Here, let’s look at these many dynamics:

1) – To offer love and comfort

Our loved ones will frequently come through to us to offer love, comfort and support, especially in times of stress and difficulty.  Since we are familiar with their essence and energy, we are already connected to them; therefore, we can receive the energy flow they are sending to us.  As they want to help us, they will send this energy toward us and since thought is reality, these “thoughts” of love they project toward us do indeed reach us, and ultimately, help us.

2) – To offer messages

Messages from our loved ones on the other side can be helpful to us, especially because they can assist us in our earthly journeys.  These messages can be received by us directly: 

• We may be able to hear them in our awake state, as in hearing the actual words or portions of the words they are offering to us.  Even if we do not have the gift of mediumship, our special bond with a loved one on the other side may allow us to hear them, because of the depth of our connection and the openness we feel toward them.  
•  Coming to us in a dream with messages, where we may be more likely to hear them, as our normal daily defenses our relaxed and let down.  In most cases when we dream of someone who has passed on, it actually is contact from the one we’re dreaming of.
• We may receive these messages subconsciously and not hear them consciously, at least at first.  These messages will eventually filter up through the subconscious where we may hear them cognitively.  Or we will absorb and process these messages energetically and internally, similar to the way our bodies absorb the food we eat, and utilize it correctly.  Meaning, we may not consciously know what they have said to us, but on a deeper level from within, these messages help us in the way we direct our choices, acts, thoughts, words and deeds.
• Messages may also come through to another family member or loved one who is here on earth.  A spirit medium can also be utilized, as sometimes we or those close to us are not able to receive these messages as that takes a special gift and skill, and/or we are too close to the situation to be objective and simply hear what is being communicated from the other side.  Also, a medium may be able to pick up more specific information, especially if there is important and pertinent guidance that is time based to what is going on at this time in one’s life.

 These messages can vary as much as their communication would have when they were still here in the physical world including:

• Issue warnings of danger and help you to avoid pitfalls, bad decisions and potential problems.
• Advise you to extricate yourself from negative situations, such as a destructive romantic relationship.
• Let you know of conditions to come, whether they are negative or positive, so that you can make the most of what life holds in store for you.
• Offer encouragement for you to make good choices, manifest your dreams, prosperity, and support you in building a positive journey.
• Helping to provide vibrational protection for us to help shield us from danger and harm.
• Positive prayers from the other side that assist us in our journeys.  

 In addition, there can be other messages that are personal to you and them to confirm their presence, which establishes a connection and strengthens the bond that has been there.

Sometimes our loved ones come through with their own unique stamp of individuality, which will represent qualities that would identify them to you as you knew them to be.  It they were judgmental here, they may be there as well.  If they were pushy when human, they may still be just as pushy over there, and if they were gentle when they were in the physical plane, they may come through with a gentle approach in their communication with you.

3) – To make amends

Sometimes there had been prior difficultly in the physical world between our loved ones (now on the other side), and us.  When those loved ones have grown to realize that it is time to heal whatever issues and rifts had existed between them and us, they will come through with a healing message.  They are not being stubborn about it anymore, or defensive, as they are ready to bury the hatchet, so to speak.  This can involve an apology from them to us, or a sense of leaving the past behind.  This type of healing is very positive, as it helps all concerned advance and move forward from a spiritual perspective.

4) – To be a “spokesperson”

If our higher teachers wish to reach us, they will sometimes have the messages relayed through one of our loved ones in spirit.  Since we are familiar and comfortable with the energy of these loved ones, we are more likely to be able to sense, feel, and hear them.  Also, we would trust them, so when their energy came through to us, we would be less likely to close off, shut down, or dismiss what was being sent to us from spirit.  In a sense, our transitioned loved ones serve as being a “spokesperson” for the universal teachers who have the wisdom to guide us, because they lack the personal connection we have felt with those we have loved.

 Spiritual Timing

The master teachers know when it is spiritually the right time for our loved ones to come through.  Of course, these teachers know what is for the highest good of all concerned; therefore, they would guide our loved ones there to reach us here when they are supposed to.  Since there may be lessons involved that we, as people don’t understand, the timing may be different than what we as human beings want. 

There are many factors that need to be taken into consideration regarding the timing of a message:  When are we ready to receive it – how does it tie into the lessons needing to being learned — and when will it be most helpful – and when is it spiritually the correct time?  In the same way you wouldn’t drive a car at age 6 and you would need to wait till you were older and more mature, the same thing applies with when we should receive certain information from the spirit world.

When the time is right, spirit will reach us.  It is our job to wait patiently, and then receive what does come through, knowing that God’s perfect timing will apply to when and how our transitioned loved ones connect with us.

 What not to do

In the same way I just mentioned how we may need to be patient regarding the time frame of when a message comes through to us, there are also certain things we should not do regarding our loved ones who are now on the other side.  It is important to understand the spiritual parameters that guide our relationships to our transitioned loved ones.

1) – Do not expect them to tell you want you want to hear

Often, we are looking for confirmation, or to have our own feelings reinforced by our loved ones on the other side.  However, we can never expect this of them.  Certainly, they are not connecting with us merely to parrot our own existing viewpoint – rather, they are coming through to guide us, help us and potentially enlighten our reality.

2) – Do not expect them to solve your problems

Often, we give a false power to those we love who are now in spirit, as if they are God almighty.  Just like we are in a state of evolution, so are they.  And in the same way we are in the driver’s seat of our journey, our transitioned loved ones are only passengers.  We must always take responsibility for our problems and our actions and choices to hopefully resolve these issues.  Our loved ones from spirit can assist, offer guidance, insight, love, and support, but they cannot solve our problems for us.

3) – Do not expect them to be more spiritually evolved than they are

We often assume that since someone is on the other side, that automatically means that they are high in consciousness – and potentially spiritually enlightened.  This simply cannot be assumed.  In the same way there are people of every possible level of consciousness on earth, it is the same on the other side.  There are those who have not yet advanced, while others have taken the opportunity to grow spiritually.  Do not assume that they have grown, as it would need to be assessed on a case-by-case basis.

 4) – Do not assume what spirit will say to you

Do not pre-script in your mind what messages may come through for you from the other side.  Such assumptions can limit what you are open to receive, and willing to hear.  As spirit may often surprise us with insights that are not currently what we may relate to or understand, we must always approach any message from the other side with a completely open mind.

5) – Do not pull on them

This is perhaps the most important “do not” being addressed here.  If we pull on our transitioned loved ones, we hold them back.  By wanting them to be with us, near us and communicating with us all of the time or frequently, we get in the way of the divine plan.  If our loved ones are in spirit, they are not supposed to be with us in our daily lives.  By holding onto them and pulling on them, we actually prevent them from growing.  Because they love us, they may feel obligated to try and accommodate our wishes, therefore, not move forward with their own spiritual growth.  We should absolutely never pull on them, as they will be there for us if and when it is appropriate from a higher point of view – not just from the perspective of what we emotionally want.

Pets who have crossed over

For many of us, are pets are as close to us as our human loved ones.  When our pets transition to the other side, it can be as devastating as a loss of a person we care for.  Many of my clients have asked me, “Are my pets still connected to me once they’ve passed on?”  The answer is yes, they still remain connected to us.

Animals cross over, and do go into a special place on the other side of light, love and supreme joy.  They are present alongside other animals, and spiritual guides.  (This may involve them being with the same animal friends they knew here; if your family had two dogs who crossed over, they would still be together.)  Often, they run through the fields and do what you would think they would do. 

Regarding us who are still here, they do sometimes come around the house, or in the back yard where they use to play.  Often, my wife and I have seen our own transitioned dogs running through the yard, or being in the house, however, they are not always with us – just occasionally.  As the love they feel for us is like a cord that connects us to them spiritually and forever, they still come back and forth to us in the physical plane, as they feel the same love for us.

The love that is forever

In the same way that our pets love us forever, so do our loved ones (once in the human form), who are now on the other side in spirit. Even though they’re gone from physical sight and our day-to-day lives, they are not absent from our hearts. 

 In reality, the eternal, indestructible and endless cord of love connects us to our loved ones on the other side.  There are no barriers of time and space that can break that tie.  It is absolutely unable to be broken…

And while there are many specifics as to why, how, and when our loved ones from spirit do and don’t come through to us, the energy – the constant flow of unconditional love between us remains with us for all seasons and for all of eternity.  Think of it like an endless and eternal light that shines brightly through all of the passages of our lives – from darkness to confusion, to pain, happiness and elation!  We are comforted by the love that envelops and supports us from the other side, in the same way we felt cradled as infants in the protective arms of those who loved and nurtured us. 

And when they are supposed to help us, they will – when a message is supposed to reach us, it will be offered – as protection is necessary to shield us from danger and harm, it will be there – and most of all, we know that the love that has been built between us is not temporary; like our earthly existences that do come to an end, bur rather, as eternal as eternity is itself.

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When someone hurts us and wrongs us, it triggers a series of internal emotions: starting with the initial shock, to confusion and disillusionment as to why it happened, eventually leading to the feeling of victimization.  Once we identify with being a victim, though, that progresses to even worse feelings such as long term resentment and rage, which can potentially settle into chronic bitterness.  Once we’ve become a bitter person, it is quite hard for us to be at peace, not only with what we’ve been through, but with our lives on any level.  The bitterness serves as a form of ever growing negative bacteria throughout our systems. 

It’s always hardest when we have been close to the person who has wronged us.  We all can pretty much conceive of strangers doing bad things to people; but it is difficult for us to accept that someone who is connected to us – a person we may have even loved, hurting us so badly.  Our personal connection to them presumably makes us feel as if they wouldn’t do something terrible to us.  So when it does, the pain is so much more egregious, because of the depth of our feelings we have for that individual.  We all like to believe that those we love will also care for us in return and when they seriously harm and even destroy our lives, it can be just devastating. 

Then when we look at this person, we notice that perhaps they seem to be doing ok, even though our lives are in shambles – in fact, they always appear to be moving along just fine with their own life – they are not hurting at all like we are!  And we ask ourselves, “How come nothing bad ever happens to them and why don’t they ever get back what they’ve done to others?”  Clarifying these issues from a spiritual perspective is the point of this writing.

As we look at the process of the actions which have been done toward us and how they affect us, we must also look at the same cause and effect relationship spiritually.  According to the law of karma, whatever is done by a person (to us), comes back to that individual.  As you may remember in a previous newsletter, the word karma comes from a Sanskrit root that means “to do.” This refers to the consequences of our actions from past lives and this lifetime, too.  Also, karma can mean “comeback.” All we have done before comes back to us, as in what we have done prior.  In the short of it, from a spiritual point of view, whatever someone has done to you, in time will come back to them.  Since karma is neutral and can either be “good” or “bad,” for the purpose of this writing, all of the karma referred to below will be negative or “bad” karma.

Something I hear frequently from clients is how they are disillusioned and frustrated with the concept of “karma,” as they have not yet seen any negative repercussions come back to the person who has harmed them.  It’s as if they believe that if they were victimized, let’s say in January 2008, that sometime shortly after, weeks or maybe months, that the person who harmed them would and should receive a pay back.  However, this hardly ever happens in such short time frames after the initial hurtful act was done.

This can be one of the most confusing aspects of the law of karma. Especially when someone is feeling hurt by another, it is hard to grasp that it just may take quite a long time for the repercussions to come back to the perpetrator.  Simply stated, there is no strict time frame as to when karma will comeback.  Meaning, we may not see the repercussions occur to the person who has hurt us in the time period that we are emotionally expecting at all.

The exact time when karma comes back to an individual is dependent on when God and the lords of karma (the spiritual forces who govern and oversee karma in the physical world), decide that the time period is correct.  It can be today, tomorrow, years, decades and even lifetimes before karma comes back to an individual. Yes, it can even take lifetimes for it to come back!

You might ask, “Why is the time so variable?”  In part, it depends on how spiritually evolved one is.  The less evolved they are, the more likely karma will come back to them slowly.  In a sense, they may not “know any better.”  However, for someone who does indeed know better and understands the consequences for his or her actions, it is more likely that karma will come back far more rapidly as they, on the other hand, are more spiritually evolved.

Often, God will give an individual many chances to learn their lesson before karma comes back, with the hope that they can spiritually grow and begin atoning for their negative past deeds.  It is sort of like someone being on probation for a crime they committed; with probation, it is hoped that this individual will come to terms with their bad acts and make a change for the better.

Another noteworthy thought is that some people have “instant karma” karma in this lifetime.  Everything seems to come back to them immediately.  That is not random or by accident.  It is part of their spiritual plan.  Whatever they do is supposed to come back immediately, as it forces them to deal with and take notice of the repercussions for their actions.  With instant karma, it becomes less likely to avoid acknowledging their karmic consequences – as those consequences are right in front of them.

In addition, karma needs to come back at the correct time. That time may need to be in line with when someone is supposed to (from a spiritual point of view) from their consequences.  Also, the physical settings and circumstances need to be able to facilitate when the karma occurs.  Since the physical world changes every day, there is the specific time when things need to occur.  It is the same as when there is a specific time for a plane to take off for a destination.

There may also be past life situations and circumstances that cannot be humanly perceived.  What occurred in prior lifetimes also has a huge impact on when karma may come back in this lifetime.  We may not see these time frames as human beings, as there is no way we can prove what happened in prior lifetimes between the individuals involved. For example, Susan may have left her husband Tom in another lifetime for his best friend, which devastated Tom.  In this lifetime, Susan and Tom agreed (before this incarnation) that in this lifetime, Tom would indeed leave his wife Susan.  If we didn’t know the back-story, it could seem wrong, however, there is always more than meets our physical eyes.

But, it always does come back, and that is not meant as a punitive statement.  It is just a natural law of the universe.  Just because we may not witness the comeback, doesn’t mean that it won’t happen.  It always does happen in due time. 

Besides the question of “when” karma comes back, there is also the question of “who” will indeed bring the repercussions to bear.  You might question, “If someone hurt me, wouldn’t I have to be the person who does the same thing to them in return?  After all, it was done to me.”   Not necessarily so.  Often, it is a person entirely different than the person who was originally hurt.  For example:  If a woman’s husband cheated on her and left her for another woman, the other woman may end up being the one who in turn, cheats on him.  Here, it wasn’t his ex wife who paid him back, but it was the other woman.

Often, the person originally wronged is not in a position in the physical world to be the one to facilitate the consequence.  Let’s say, a man robbed a woman in Seattle (who herself continued to reside in Seattle). The robber then moved to New York, so the victim of the robbery would not be anywhere near the robber to potentially pay him back.  If the lords of karma were to bring the karmic repercussion to bear on the robber while the victim was still living in Seattle, another person could be the vehicle for the karma to bear; someone who would be in the vicinity of the robber.

If the original “victim” transitioned into spirit before the time period of the karma to come back to the perpetrator, that “victim” wouldn’t be present in the human form to be a part of that karmic payback; so another person would need to be the catalyst for the karmic consequence.

Also, a person originally wronged may have grown in such a way that he or she wouldn’t be able to act in a punitive way toward the person who once hurt them.  If a man physically attacked another man and seriously injured him (and that man grew to forgive his attacker and had come to a place of peace), he may not be the person who brings the repercussions into being.  He was beyond that energy in consciousness – (one that would have felt compelled to attack back), therefore, through his spiritual growth, he had transcended the negative energy of what happened before.

Besides the “when” and the “who” of karma’s come back, there is also the question of “how.”  How does karma come back?  Let’s look at a situation:  Wouldn’t it make sense that if John ruined the career of Valerie on purpose, that at some point (and even perhaps by a different person other than Valerie), John would have his career ruined in exactly the same way he once did to Valerie? 

Again, not necessarily so.  John’s career actually ended up doing fine in this lifetime, even though he destroyed Valerie’s.  So you might ask, “Why wouldn’t John’s career end up getting ruined, as he did to Valerie’s?  Doesn’t what goes around, come around?”  Often, karma comes back to a person in an entirely different way or in a different area of their life than which the original karma was created.  Karma is not always a mirror of what originally occurred.

Regarding John, even though his career remained intact, his house burned down, plus he had two serious accidents that involved slipping and falling.  All of these problems would have not happened had he not ruined Valerie’s career, as the negative energy he created came back to him, albeit in a different way. 

Let’s say, a man named Joe cheated on several women and wreaked havoc in their lives.  None of these women ever cheated on Joe in return, and in addition, no other new women cheated on him in the future either as a form of payback.  It might seem like Joe “got away with it,” as if he had his fun, deceived multiple women, and just rode off into the sunset.  However, Joe developed serious and life debilitating health problems, ones that wouldn’t have manifested had he not hurt so many of these women and created so much negativity.  It all did come back to him, but in a completely different way than what Joe originally did.  On top of that, Joe may have to work all of this out with these women in subsequent lifetimes, as it was not circumstantially possible to do so in everyone’s current incarnation.

With Joe’s situation, along with all of the above-mentioned examples, karmic repercussions can be quite difficult for us to understand.  So as we look at the “when,” “who,” and “how” karma comes back, it is so much more intricate, multi faceted and complicated in its applications that we may have ever thought prior.

The same frustrations we have all felt regarding it seeming like nothing bad ever happens to those who have hurt us, doesn’t just apply to our daily lives, but also to our court system.  Our courts are supposed to provide justice and repercussions for those who have wronged us – in the same way we believe that karma will come back to those who have hurt us in day to day life.  However, that is not how it always appears to be.

Certainly all of us have seen or experienced court verdicts that were (from a human point of view) unjust.  Murderers walk away seemingly scott free and people get falsely convicted everyday.  You could say, “Where is the karmic justice in that?”  Again, never lose sight of the fact that: 

We don’t know the past life ramifications involved, which means that there may be more complicated lessons and past occurrences between the parties involved that we could ever perceive.

 Karma may not come back in the way, time or fashion we feel is humanly right, meaning that karmic justice may be served subsequent to an “unfair” court verdict: later in this lifetime or in future incarnations.

Only God knows for sure what the karma actually is, therefore, we can’t judge things merely based on current appearances and circumstances. 

Regarding the justice system, here is a question worth asking:  Does a guilty verdict and punishment (prison, execution) by the state constitute a karmic consequence?  It may be part of the karmic consequence, although there is still the issue of the “victim” and / or “victims” involved and what happened to their lives from the negative deeds both internally and externally.  In addition to negative actions, the emotions we feel as “victims” has a tremendous amount to do with how karma is created.  As emotions do create karma, the intensity of such feelings as: hurt, anger, rage, vindictiveness, self-pity and bitterness, function as handcuffs between the parties involved.  With these negative emotions engaged, not only is karma set into motion, but it binds everyone involved to have to come face to face with it all again.  You might say ask, “What for?  Hasn’t the “victim” suffered enough?”  It has to be dealt with again so that complete peace and resolution will ultimately be achieved.

It is most important to differentiate here between God’s eternal karmic justice and justice here on earth, which of course, appears flawed to us.  But in cosmic terms, is it really?   We are all so familiar with the Bible phrase: “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.”  With that old mainstay, we tend to think of karma as bringing about justice; justice in very literal terms – as if to say that if you punched me on Monday, therefore I will punch you soon afterwards. 

Even though it may take a lot of time, and not be perceived in ways that make sense to us, karmic justice is always ultimately and perfectly served from a spiritual perspective.  In reality, God is ultimately not unfair; even though we all have felt those utterly painful emotions that cause us to yell out, “Life just isn’t fair!”

With the nagging question of “How come nothing bad ever happens to them,” we become imprisoned by feelings of hurt, resentment and worst of all, bitterness.  However, we must understand that regarding karma, God and the lords of karma are in charge, not us – and they do know what to do.  We cannot hold onto the feeling that somehow we know and have the right to declare what is right, just, and ultimately, what is supposed to occur once we’ve been wronged.  In our emotional subjectivity, we lose any and all sight of looking at our experiences from a point of spiritual overview.  And it’s not to say that our feelings are wrong; however, emotions may not represent cosmic truth, but rather, simply what we feel as people. 

People want to feel avenged and revenged…. Sometimes, they feel revenge is absolutely necessary to even the score and move on.  However, these needs are not always based on a vindictive need to get even.  A person may simply feel that they really must be vindicated and have closure to put what happened behind them.  However, we must try to let go of these needs, so we can begin putting out lives back together, as there is no guarantee that we will feel avenged, revenged and vindicated regarding what has occurred.

We may have gone through these experiences to learn, and what we are supposed to learn from being wronged, may be different that what we want.  Wanting to get even with others based on being hurt is like drinking poison – and thinking that it will somehow poison the other person.  The more we desire to see it all come back to another, the more we suffer, through indulging in repeated doses of emotional negativity – equivalent to literally poisoning ourselves – a little at a time.

I remember a female client of mine who had dated a male co-worker who had a history of non-commitment to the women he dated.  However, she stubbornly held onto the idea that this “relationship” would evolve into something much more, even though I repeatedly told her that this man would never love or care for her.  So when things didn’t go the way she intended and it all fell apart, she tried to “get even,” by trying to get him to lose his job.  Here, she was trying to take the place of the lords of karma by bringing the karma to bear on this man in the way she felt was right and justified.

What happened however, is that through her negative act, it all came back to her – and everyone in the office turned against her.  Even though she may have been hurt, indulging in this negativity came back to harm her.  It would have served her better to work on releasing this man, and praying for forgiveness.

So instead of waiting and hoping for someone to “get theirs,” it is our job to begin forgiving.  We must work on forgiving those who have wronged, hurt us, or even destroyed our lives.  Without forgiveness, we will never be free, or happy at all.  Also, if we hold onto negative emotions, we are handcuffing ourselves to the person and what they have done to us – and putting ourselves in a prison.  If we are internally “locked up,” most assuredly, we will become imprisoned externally in our lives as well, whether through illness, poverty, accidents, or restrictions that bind us. 

I completely understand how you feel if you keep coming back to that nagging question, “How come nothing bad ever happens to them?”  Inside, you feel that they did these horrible things and simply got away with it.  Instead, we need to replace that question by affirming, “God blesses this situation and all is resolved for the highest peace and highest good.”  Also, one could day, “I wish this person well and affirm that all is peaceful between us.”  I know how hard it is to let go – but we must all try our best to do so. 

By releasing the burden of all that has happened to divine love, we give it all up to God Almighty, who DOES know what’s best for all parties concerned.  And if we can wish well upon all who have harmed us, we become free – free like a bird.  It is the heaviness of negative emotions that weigh us down, even to the point of crippling us:  emotionally, physically, financially and in all ways.  By blessing those who have hurt us, we will bring good back to us.  Why?  Because we tend to attract what we vibrate to.  And with perfect peace, we will see wondrous miracles come to us.

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There is a great book my wife picked up called “Not Quite What I Was Planning” edited by Smith Magazine.  Legend has it that Ernest Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in six words.   According to this legend, he came back with “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”  Some say this was his best work, while others say he never wrote these six words at all.  However, the six-word story was born and has been popping up ever since.  Smith Magazine invited people (including writers famous and obscure) to submit their own six word memoirs, and the book is the fascinating result.

I found many of these six-word memoirs compelling and riveting, but one really jumped out to me, as I feel it relates to so many of the issues my clients are going through.  The memoir by Adam Blackman that moved me is: “God Chose.  Said no.  Now what?”  These brilliant six words pose the question, When God says no to us, what happens from there in our lives and how do we best proceed forward?  Adding clarity to this question is the purpose of this writing. As an homage to the book, all the section headings are in a six word format…

We believe God will say yes!

We all like to believe that God will indeed grant our prayers and give us what we want.  Since we feel that our prayers and requests our valid, we assume that God must feel the same way too.  However, that assumption may not always be true.  We say affirmations; we visualize our heart’s desire and do everything in our power to manifest our dreams.  But what do we do when these prayers don’t happen, or at best, only partially happen in a way that is ultimately incomplete?  Do we still hold on, or do we let go?  If we let go, what do replace our original prayers and requests with, when instead of God saying yes as we assumed, God indeed says no? 

Delayed, or partially happens.  Doesn’t happen.

Sometimes what we want is delayed.  It may seem like a no, but in time, it will be a yes.  In these instances, we may be ready to give up, or still hold on, however, in time, the request is granted.  This would indicate that what we wanted is for our highest good, but there may be a lesson of patience associated with it.

When things only partially happen for us, it can be quite frustrating.  Part of what we want has occurred, but in the end, we don’t receive the conclusion we had hoped for.  Here, the lesson may be to come to terms with the fact that things don’t always ultimately go the way we had wanted.

This can be more confusing that when things don’t go our way at all.  Why?  Because with partially getting what we want, it’s easy, even presumable for us to believe that the rest of what we desire will ultimately come true.  If a woman was with a man she was deeply in love with, and he was willing to see her once or twice every couple of weeks, she could easily assume that the relationship will build, and ultimately he would commit to her.  However, what if he was really only willing to keep seeing here infrequently?  How long should she continue to hang in there while waiting for things to get better; or to finally throw in the towel, as the situation won’t ever improve itself?

Like with anything partially achieved — it is hard for us to put our minds around it.  It would be like playing sports with the goal of winning a championship, but never really being able to achieve that goal.  Of course an athlete would never want such sub mediocre results.  It’s the same with any of our desires- we want it all!  In this situation, though, the lesson may be different than us simply getting what we want, and once again, God’s plan wins.  In the end, only partially getting what we want is ultimately still the same as God saying no, as eventually, things do come to a close.

When God says no, it is frustrating to say the least, as something we have put all of our belief behind – something that means the world to us, simply just doesn’t come true.  We have prayed, affirmed, pictured it, and owned it with all of our heart and soul, yet still, it doesn’t come to fruition. 

“Why does God say no,” we might ask?  Often, simply stated, God’s plan for us is quite different than what we’ve architected it to be within our own human minds – and as hard as it is for any of us to accept – the truth is that God knows best.  Meaning, whatever is for our highest good is what will occur.  God’s divine plan encompasses what we’ve karmically and spiritually agreed to accomplish in this life.  Before we were born, these things were agreed to by us, so they are just happening in the way they are spiritually supposed to for our highest growth and good.

Want versus need.  Often, two opposites.

When we’re immersed in our own desires, we lose perspective – especially the perspective of the difference between what we want versus what we need.  When we want something strongly, we hardly stop and ask ourselves, “But is this what I need?”  We blur the two together; hence, desire overrules intuition, spiritual insight and looking at things from another point of view.

We can want a lot of things.  Many of us say, “I want what I want!”   But that doesn’t mean that God will say yes.  Think of it this way:  Our wants may represent our lower human desires, while what we need will indicate God’s higher plan.  When God says no, it is because God knows what is always for our highest good!

We could want five mansions, but do we need them?  We could want more money than we know what to do with, but will this mean that things are unfolding as they should?  We may want a romantic partner who is unavailable to us, but is it that person who we are truly meant to be with? 

I remember a female client of mine, who waited several years for a particular man to love her.  He wasn’t interested in her, didn’t even wish to speak with her and ignored her when they drove by each other in their cars.  Yet, she refused to realize that God said no a long time ago to this relationship.  So as she become older, she became bitter, shut down, resentful and of course, was not open to meeting the man God would be willing to send to her — someone new and different than who she assumed it would have to be.

So here we see how this woman kept hitting her head against the wall.  Like a child whose parents have said no repeatedly, she just kept defying that answer to hold onto to a dream that would never come to be – and in that process, helped to ruin her own life. 

It is paramount that as we grow spiritually, we must always be aware and accept that what we want may not truly be what we need and to all we don’t need, God will say no.  What we must do is to redirect our desires to be in harmony with what God offers us!  Then what we want and what we need begin to be one and the same – and we start to rebuild our lives!

Hitting head against wall.  Must stop.

OK, we’re afraid that God has said no and fighting against it.  And we don’t like it.  In fact, we’re pretty ticked off.  Every time we hit our head against that wall, it hurts.  So why don’t we stop then?  Because it’s all about our ego — the stubbornness and tenacity of our ego that keeps us charging like a ram headfirst into the wall – a brick wall.   Refusing to (in our own minds) give up, accept defeat, while continuing to fight the unwinnable war – still defiantly holding on.

As this old phrase is one we have all heard a million times before – what does it really mean for us to keep hitting our heads against the wall?  It simply means that the ego is unwilling to let go and let God.  It becomes a blind crusade, ripe with dangerous intensity.

“She told me she’s not ever coming back to me, but I am not willing to let go and date anyone else,” a client affirms.  Here, that old mainstay of all of us being our own worst enemy rings true.  This man is not allowing himself to move forward past a situation that has ended, one that God has said no to. 

He may see his life as a one-way street – with no other options other than to hold onto her.  However, there are many avenues he can travel down but the ego doesn’t like that as it wants to win!  He could start dating others while working on releasing the ex who doesn’t want him anymore, and has told him so.  Also, he could take time to heal, and then consider new romantic options in the future.

But when our ego is in control, and we refuse to move past dreams God has already said no to, we get stuck and trapped – so we don’t move forward.  However, sooner or later, as painful as it is to all of us who have been unable to accept God’s answer, we still must let go.  We can do it now, later down the road, or even in future lifetimes.

Ego is loud, stubborn and defensive.  So what do we to slay this beast?  Do we fight back as in fighting fire with fire?  Do we match the intensity of the ego and wage war against it?  No, absolutely not.  We win by rising above the ego.  Through listening to intuition and higher guidance, (that small little still voice within), we are guided as to what to do.  From new options and dreams to being open to see what will come into view for us that is positive…

Remember, the physical situation may have not concluded the way we wanted, but by transcending the ego, we relate to what happened from a place of acceptance and peace.  Living in the moment and releasing the burden allows us to become an open channel for what God will say yes to. 

However, in addition, we must watch for those tricky energies known as feelings.  In addition to ego, our own emotions may try and trick us back into the abyss of refusing to accept no for an answer.

Emotions try to play a trick. 

Even when we get to the point where we intellectually know that God has said no, our feelings don’t get it.  These feelings try and reinvent and disguise themselves in many ways:  False hope, as in believing that by holding on and waiting, things will work out in the ways desired.  Refusing to let go, as if somehow holding on means that a no will reverse itself into someday being a yes.  False intuition, where the emotions pretend to be actual insight:  “I feel and sense that things are going to work out,” when it is merely our emotional desires that masquerade as being intuitive.

God has said no, but our feelings keep holding onto what will never be.  These feelings are misleading.  Why?  Because they seem so real and so right – because every part of us resonates with the emotional intensity.  But if life were just about our feelings, we would soon wipe ourselves as well as others off the face of the earth.  Someone cuts you off while during down the street. In that moment, you FEEL like you want to kill them.  But do you?  I would certainly hope not.  But what if you just acted upon those feelings that felt so real?  There could be a death or serious injury.

Your boss criticizes you at work. You’d like to clobber him over the head with your fist.  But do you?  Again, I would think not.  Here, again a feeling should not be the basis of action.  And the fact that a feeling may be inside of us for years, or even decades does not validate that feeling.  The length of time is not proportionate to how valid or real our emotions are. 

The list goes on and on of how emotions in and of themselves should not be the defining or primary factor for our reality or our actions!  These old feelings will mislead, by continuing to keep surfacing and reinventing themselves.  However God’s plan may be transcendent of the feelings we may be holding onto!  So don’t repeat the same patterns!

What do we do if we’re immersed in the sea of our own emotions?  We must ask ourselves, “What am I supposed to be learning from all of this?”  Certainly, there is something behind what any of us are feeling — which is designed for our own growth.

Lessons that we agreed to learn.

When something doesn’t come to be, as we had wanted it to, beyond our own egos and emotions, there is always a lesson or lessons involved for our growth on a spiritual level.  Remember, before birth, we agreed to all of this.  However, we may proclaim, “I didn’t get what I want so I could care less about what I was supposed to learn — this hurts!”  But in time, we will learn and come to terms with what we’ve been through whether in this lifetime or in subsequent lifetimes.

It could be a lesson of us needing to have acceptance that we didn’t get what we wanted; or a lesson of humility (as our egos get humbled when we don’t get our way), and even perhaps learning to surrender to God’s will (as God’s will is always the right way). 

If something is delayed but not denied, it may be that we need to have patience and hang in there, as in time, what we wanted will occur.  Sometimes we need to let go and release it all, and then it all works out for us.

The lesson or lessons involved with only partially getting what we want can also be multi-faceted.  One could be learning to not assume that the conclusion they desire must happen, simply because part of what they wanted happened for a while.  It is just like a temporary romantic relationship.  It may not be the permanent union you had hoped for, but it was there to teach you and take you from one point in your life to another.  With the experience, there are always lessons – again, just not necessarily what you had scripted them to be in your own mind.

All in all, when we don’t get what we want, there are always deeper reasons as to why (lessons) and we must understand that there are things for us to learn from these experiences – things that we may not want to learn from a personality point of view, but must, from a higher spiritual perspective, as these are the lessons we’ve agreed to come here and learn. 

What to do now.  It’s no

The Chinese have an ancient belief that there is great strength in flexibility, which I completely agree with.  Here, we need to consider building our healing process on flexibility.  We may have only looked at our prayers in one way:  “I’m going to get what I want.”  However, God said no, as all of us have experienced in our lives.  (I bet you couldn’t find one person on this earth who could honestly say that they have received everything that they ever wanted.)  So what do we do then?  We are frustrated, our dreams may be shattered, and yet, we need to move forward with our lives. 

First, we need to not look at the situation in question with a pre-supposed answer – or from the myopic vision of our emotional desires.  We need to start asking simple, yet profound questions:  What was I here to learn?  Why did things not go the way I wanted?  How do I rebuild my dreams? What was the spiritual purpose to all of this?

By searching for answers, they will come – but don’t force those answers.  The divine universe is on its own time clock and will always give you the truth: Whether from a dream, a psychic, a friend, therapist, a book or from any number of sources, but at the right time.  I love the phrase, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”  We will all be taught when and what we’re supposed to be.  Remember, it is with flexibility regarding our experiences that helps to lead us to the truth we are searching for. And with flexibility as opposed to rigidity, we become an open vessel as to how to move forward toward dreams God will say yes to.

Look always with an open mind.

When we look at all we’ve been through, and as we’re trying to make sense of God saying no, we must look at it all with an open mind.  If we once had preconceived the outcome, assumed things would go our way, we closed our minds – to alternate viewpoints, or perhaps, even the truth.

With an open mind, we are a channel for insight, wisdom, and clear perception to reach us.  Most of us may think of ourselves as being quite opened minded, when in actuality, we have been closed-minded all along, by already having our minds made up.  If we think we know, that represents a closed mind.  If we strongly believe we possess the answers, our minds are like a door slammed shut.  When we defend our position, argue and shoot down alternate viewpoints, the door has been padlocked.

A client of mine wanted to know when she would meet someone new, as she was recently divorced.  “When am I going to meet Mr. Right,” she questioned?  She got that God said no to her marriage, but was it a matter of simply knowing when someone new would come into her life to answer her question?  The problem was that this client still needed a crucial piece of the puzzle to be in place to achieve her goals.  She needed to look at her situation with an open mind, as there was more to be dealt with than just her initial question of, “When will I meet someone new?” 

I could feel that she was closed to a new relationship, as the hurt incurred from her divorce left her quite shut down and guarded.  So here, she needed to open her mind and be receptive to other insights to assist her, such as coming to terms with her marriage and divorce.  This would help to release the self-protective walls that wouldn’t allow anyone new to enter her life.  In this instance, she opened her mind, worked on her healing process and did meet someone new – a man who was good for her!

With an open mind, we don’t presume to “know,” but rather, we become a receptacle of the truth that sets us free.  In trying to solve the puzzle of why God said no, we might need to open our minds more so than we may have thought, as that allows all that is for our highest good to come through!

God leads. God knows.  Just listen.

When it’s all said and done, who knows what is best for us?  Our desires, emotions, ego — or God Almighty?  Framed that way, the answer is so obvious, but it isn’t to us when we’re in the throws of what we feel, desire and must have!

All of us have hit our heads against the wall repeatedly, and all of us have been disappointed when God has said no to us.  Some of us become bitter, resentful and live in self-pity, because we didn’t get what we wanted. 

But we should never forget this ever-classic phrase:  “Don’t wish for something, you might just get it!”  Think of all the things you may have wanted with all of your strength, and then looking back, you profusely thank God you didn’t get them!  In time, it all becomes clear!  Never lose sight of the fact that in retrospect, things will make sense to you as to why they didn’t happen in the way you desired!  It may take years, decades, even lifetimes, but it will someday become crystal clear to you, which will bring a deep sense of spiritual peace.

As we keep crashing into roadblocks, we need to reevaluate what we want, who we are, and what we’re asking for.  When we only want what God wants for us, we are free!  We will then manifest all that is truly in God’s supreme and perfect plan: Health, wealth, success, happiness, fulfillment, love and Joy!  We are then able to build a life from a higher perspective, not just being like whiny, bratty spoiled kids whose mantra is:  “I want what I want – I want I want!”

And yet, it is hard to let go, but always remember to let go and let God!  This way, we can begin to follow God’s divine lead as God knows way more than we do.  Again, stated that way, it seems so obvious.  But how many of us keep that in mind when we are immersed in desires, even though what we must have may not at all be for our highest good?

Ultimately, just have eyes that see, and ears that listen, with a soul that responds to God’s lead, and you won’t go wrong!

God says no.  Let’s move forward.

When God says no, we must move forward:  To turning that no into a yes of acceptance.  To accept the answer we didn’t initially want!  To letting go of the attachment to what we didn’t get from an emotional and ego point of view!  We must move forward and look at new options!  We need flexibility, an open mind, heart and spirit!

As we release it all to a higher power, things will clear up and we will know what to do.  We may need to build new dreams and move forward toward making them happen.

It is with that open-mindedness that we can proceed from the potentially bitter disappointments of no, to the joyous celebrations of yes.  We must work diligently to no longer want anything that is not in God’s higher plan — we are not just here to want and want and want more – and just get what we want.  It is always the question of just what is for our highest good and what we’ve agreed to on a soul level.

Often, years later, we look back and proclaim, “Thank God I didn’t get what I was asking for!”  We believed that what we wanted so deeply had to happen and that we could not ever be happy without it.  At the time, God saying no seemed so horribly unfair and absolutely wrong.  But in actuality, it turned out to be completely right.  It is with this sense of wisdom, reflection and overview that we now know that things always have a way of working themselves out for our highest good.

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Abortion is one of the most highly controversial and divisive issues facing our society today, with people’s physical safety and even their lives being on the line.  As the country is divided between pro-choice and pro-life belief systems, there seems to be no real way of reconciling these two polar opposite viewpoints.

In this writing, I will look at abortion from a different perspective that is rarely, if ever written about – a karmic perspective.  What are the karmic ramifications of an abortion?  How does abortion affect our future, not just in this incarnation, but future lifetimes as well?  What might be the karmic plan regarding an abortion?  With these spiritual complexities in mind, I will try and offer the many varying karmic possibilities in a non-judgmental way regarding this most emotionally charged issue.  In addition, I will shed light on what the varying karmic plans might be between the souls involved regarding pregnancy, miscarriage, and birth. 

Before a pregnancy happens, there has already been a karmic plan for it to occur between all of the parties involved.  This karmic plan occurs on the other side, before anyone has been born into the physical lifetime where the pregnancy would occur.  It involves the father, the mother and the soul that may be born into a physical body.  This plan may also include an adoptive parent or stepparent as well as any family members and / or friends who would be connected to this potential birth and the physical life that may follow.

As with any karmic plan, there are unlimited possibilities as to exactly what an agreement may entail.  Just as we can have any number of contracts between human beings in our earthly lives, any number of variables can exist in a karmic plan between all of the parties involved regarding the initial pregnancy and what comes after. 

It all depends on what the lessons involved are as well as the choices that are always present all the way up until the actual birth happens.  Even still, it must be noted that these plans from the other side are not written in stone.  Before incarnating, everything appears to look easy, as if one will come into the physical world, live up to their agreements, zip through all of their lessons and triumphantly return back home to spirit.  However, when one is stuck in the limitations of a physical body and the restrictive housing of the personality, it can BE very different. 

Frequently, once on earth, people are not able, or do not feel that they are able to live up to the agreements made on the other side. Therefore, there are many possibilities as to how the karmic plan will actually be implemented and executed.  Below, I would like to break down the different karmic possibilities regarding pregnancy, birth, miscarriage and abortion.

The most simple and clear-cut example of a karmic plan on the other side regarding a child being born is where all parties agree to a pregnancy, which is to be concluded by a birth in the physical world.  Then, when the actual pregnancy takes place, it is followed through with the birth of the child.  Here, it is quite simple as to what has been planned and what was carried out.  In certain instances, though, before the actual birth occurs, there could possibly be a miscarriage.  Let’s look at the many variables regarding karmic plans involving a miscarriage and why it might happen.

Sometimes a karmic plan is agreed to where a miscarriage will occur.  You might ask, why would this be pre planned?  Because the soul may be agreeing to come back and forth to the fetus from the other side to practice attaching itself to its physical body, which is in preparation to eventually be born.  As it is quite traumatic for a soul to be born (where you have to dumb down from knowing and seeing to starting from the beginning again as an infant), it is not at all easy to do.  Often, a soul may be preparing to get used to the birth process again.  Since all of us have reincarnated countless times already, certain souls may have come to dread the process of birth, death and rebirth.

In addition, a karmically pre planned miscarriage can teach us certain lessons such as:  Loss, disappointment, sadness, guilt and other emotions that may need to be learned on a spiritual level by the parties involved for reasons of growth.

A miscarriage that is not a karmic plan can occur through many negative, careless and destructive choices.  What if the father was reckless and too sexually aggressive with the mother?  How about if the mother was using alcohol, drugs, or engaging in wild behavior?  What if the mother was not seeking the proper medical care?  All of these choices could cause a miscarriage to occur that was not a karmic plan.

Stress in any area of living:  Finances, career, health, family, as well as the tension created by the father treating the mother badly can also create a miscarriage.  I have had many female clients who were pregnant and lost the baby due to the difficulty of all they were going through with the father. 

Sometimes, the mother is so totally stressed out during a pregnancy, that she would boldly proclaim, “I want this pregnancy to come to an end.  I don’t want this baby,” which can facilitate a miscarriage to occur.  Let me say, however, that in no way am I trying to suggest to any woman who has had a miscarriage, that somehow she was responsible for it, or perhaps created it.  I am just pointing out that sometimes an intense desire to end a pregnancy can cause the body to carry out such a powerful request.

In these above-mentioned instances where a karmic plan did not exist for a miscarriage, there would potentially be negative emotions.  This would be experienced by those connected to the miscarriage such as the parents, the soul on the other side and other family members / and or loved ones connected to the pregnancy.  Also, there can be a karmic consequence.  If negative karma is created, it would need to be evaluated and looked at specifically as to determine the consequence by the lords of karma (the spiritual forces that oversee, regulate and govern karma in the physical plane).

Beyond miscarriage, is the hot button issue of abortion (which from a karmic and spiritual perspective), is not the clear cut black and white, right or wrong choice that it has often been portrayed to be by people with strong opinions.  In any situation where an abortion occurs, one must look at the karmic plan, which as established above, can literally be anything. 

If a karmic plan is for a pregnancy to occur concluding with giving birth, yet an abortion is chosen, it would create karma.  However, that karma would depend on several variables:  Was the woman under unusual stress?  Did this woman know any better at the time?  What were the extenuating circumstances that contributed to the abortion?  How much financial difficulty was going on at the time?  Did the father, family or others push the mother into making this choice?  Did this woman simply feel that she couldn’t handle a baby and made the best choice she knew how to at the time?

A birth is precisely timed in the spirit world before it occurs (which would be seen by the natal astrology birth chart). Also, since the parents and potential child have a karmic plan that is specific unto them, it may take a while for the time, place and circumstances to be spiritually correct for the unborn child to have another chance to be born after an abortion.  This can take years, decades, and possibly even centuries.

It is not as if the proper circumstances are mix and match:  Subtracting one set of parents and adding a new one, interchanging different social settings as well as brand new family and friends – as a karmic plan is specific to all of the parties involved, including the timing and circumstances.  Why?  Because it is all designed for the stage to be set for the appropriate karmic and dharmic lessons to be learned by all of the parties involved.  It would be like planning a movie with: The leading actor and actress, the budget, director and producer, the extras, the time to shoot the film, the location, etc.  How easy is that to recreate?

However, I have felt the following scenario in many readings:  A woman has an abortion or abortions and then gives birth within a few years after the abortion or abortions.  In some of these instances, I have psychically picked up that the soul who was trying to come into this world where the pregnancy or pregnancies were aborted, came back and was born through a latter pregnancy.  Often, the circumstances are still compatible with the original karmic plan; therefore, all parties are given another chance to still complete the karmic plan.  (This same exact scenario can also apply to miscarriages, where the soul trying to come in was not able to because of a miscarriage or miscarriages, and subsequently is born through a successful pregnancy and birth.)

Sometimes the karmic plan as to whether or not to have an abortion is open to options that are not to be decided until the time of the physical pregnancy.  These choices may be tough decisions and are karmically supposed to be left up to the mother and all involved parties – here, there is no clear cut right or wrong.  There may be no preset conclusion in the karmic plan as to what the decisions are to be, but the lessons are for the parties involved to do whatever is “right” for them at the time.

In the cases of rape and incest, the karmic plan may be to make the decision regarding abortion after the pregnancy has actually happened.  Part of the lesson may be for the mother and the involved parties to decide if a baby born through rape or incest would be the right choice.  Would there be birth defects from incest and if so, how serious would they be?  Could the mother or other family members love this child conceived under such difficult circumstances?

In another situation where there might be genetic defects such as Down syndrome, what choice would be appropriate?  Also, if the life of the mother was legitimately in danger, that would factor into the choice regarding a possible abortion.

In some instances, the karmic plan may actually be for an abortion to occur.  With lessons, it is not always what appears pleasant or “nice” to us as human beings, but what needs to be learned on a deep spiritual level.  What if the lesson was for the mother to feel loss (a lesson of losing what one wants) and the unborn baby to have to wait (a lesson of patience) to come into the physical world?   What if the mother was to have an abortion to learn to feel regret, so that later down the road, she would conceive and give birth?  Or perhaps, if the mother and other parties needed to learn the value and appreciation of life, an abortion may teach that lesson. 

With pregnancy, miscarriage, abortion and birth, the question needs to be asked, “When does life actually begin?”  Metaphysically, life is considered to begin at the point of conception; however, the soul does not immediately enter the mother’s body when the sperm meets the egg.   It is throughout the pregnancy that the soul travels back and forth from the other side to the mother, preparing for the tremendous trauma of being born again and getting used to the sensation of being an infant.  It is a conditioning process, much like an astronaut who puts themselves through rigorous training to prepare to do something quite unnatural – to travel into outer space. 

As we are far more in our natural state of being in the spirit world, coming into a body with its physical limitations and personality restrictions is tremendously difficult to do.  So with this training process, the soul prepares to be born.  Right before the birth, the soul permanently enters the baby’s body, in preparation for the conclusion of the pregnancy, its process and ultimately, birth.

With abortion, we’ve established that it may be chosen in spite of a karmic plan to give birth, left up to the parties involved where the decision is to be made at the time of the actual pregnancy; or a karmic plan where the abortion is pre-agreed to.   Yet, the question remains, is there a black and white solution regarding abortion?  For instance, should the government legislate its opinion regarding abortion for one and all to abide by, or is abortion a matter of personal karma, which some would refer to this as personal choice? 

Abortion is clearly a matter of personal karma – meaning that it is the karma of the partied involved, not a matter of every abortion being right or wrong.  Even if an abortion creates karma, which in certain instances it does, it is still the karma of the parties involved and based on individual choice.  In the short of it, a government is not here to tell people what to do regarding their own karmic choices as this is not a government based issue.  Whatever the repercussions are, they are to be experienced by those who have made the choices.  Abortion is not a societal karma, meaning that all of society must abide by the same standard or viewpoint.  It is interwoven into all of the parties’ choices, repercussions, karma, dharma, evolution and growth.

Just as some doctors perform abortions and some don’t, it is a matter of their personal karma and beliefs.  However, many in the world feel that abortion is always murder – plain and simple.  These people try to superimpose their own personal religious beliefs onto everyone else.  Since everyone is not spiritually supposed to be of the same religion or belief systems as we are all on different paths (with all pathways leading back to God), some people will stop at nothing to end abortion. Bombing of clinics, murdering of doctors who practice abortion, websites listing these doctor’s home addresses to promote attack and attempts at reversing Roe V. Wade are all done by those who can only see things from one point of view.  Here, they are indeed creating negative karma themselves.  Even though they believe their violent choices to be righteous and supremely justified, they refuse to accept anyone else’s perspective, based on their strong religious convictions.  We must all learn to co exist, even with those who are diametrically opposed to our way of thinking, believing and living.

Regarding an actual abortion, the question would be posed as to how would the soul on the other side connected to an abortion react to this choice?  Depending on the lessons involved and the choices made, many variables occur regarding how a soul would experience this choice.

??First, with contraception, would the soul on the other side experience anything at all, as contraception precedes conception, which is where life begins.  The sperm plus the egg equals conception, which begins life.  The soul of a child on the other side plus the biological fetus equals a baby.  With contraception, the potential negativity that can be experienced through abortion is alleviated for the soul on the other side. 

Some feel that contraception should not be used whatsoever.  This idea was established at a time when the world population was dramatically less than it is now, and where perhaps there was a fear of human extinction.  In today’s culture, contraception can be quite positive, as the world is overpopulated, plus the soul on the other side is not actually connected until the point of conception.  With the morning after pill, whatever feelings a soul may experience from an abortion are greatly diminished.  Why?  Because the connection to the mother and the birth process had just started – therefore, there is far less attachment involved.  The longer the pregnancy occurs, the more connected the soul becomes to being born – so the abortion has the potential of being more intense and traumatic.  Certainly, contraception greatly diminishes the potential of the karma that can be created by an abortion. 

When an actual abortion occurs, it is hardly just a matter of the act that terminates the pregnancy; then all is done and over with.  There is often a tremendous and far-reaching emotional aftermath, especially for the mother.  (Although, conversely, abortion is the most prominent form of birth control in Japan, where it is considered commonplace.)  However, in America, it is much more of a volatile and emotionally charged issue, as we all know.  In fact, abortion may be the single strongest issue that divides this country:  politically, socially and religiously.

My experience as a psychic, has given me quite an up close and personal viewpoint of what women have emotionally been through after an abortion, as many have shared their experiences with me regarding the abortions they have had.  I have heard countless stories from women of just how haunted they had been through an abortion or abortions, often ones that happened decades ago.  “Jim, my baby would now be 15 years old.  I’ll never know my child, because I had an abortion,” a client sobs.  “I’ve had four abortions Jim, so how could you say that I am a good person?  I deserve to be punished forever buy God,” another client exclaims!  “I wish I would have never had an abortion because now, there’s nothing I can do to change it or fix it,” another client explains.

With these emotions, one needs to look at the tremendous complexities that are involved in such a choice as abortion.  Serious questions need to be asked:  How young was the woman at the time?  Did she know any better?  Has she learned from this choice?  Through her choice, has she been able to assist others, because she has grown herself?  Did the father try and force her into the abortion?  If it was one abortion, it can be seen as a “mistake,” where one moves on to future choices that they feel better about.  If there have been multiple abortions, the woman needs to ask herself what difficulties was she going through at the time.  What repetitive behavior patterns were present at the time?  Was her family history abusive?  Was there an alcohol or drug problem that contributed to this choice?  Were there serious emotional or mental issues in play at the time of the abortions?  As life is not black or white, certainly abortion isn’t either.  With understanding these often very complex interpersonal structures, we begin to achieve the real task at hand, which is – letting go, moving forward and ultimately – forgiveness.

No matter what any of us have chosen (and abortion can be one of the most painful choices for a woman, often long after the fact), we must learn to forgive ourselves and release the burden to infinite spirit and divine love.  That great Bible phrase rings so true, “Let the person without sin throw the first stone.”  Are my choices any better than yours or vice-versa?  Of course not!  Who are any of us to judge others?  But beyond that, who are any of us to even judge ourselves? We do the best we can, we learn from whatever we’ve chosen, and hopefully, we move on to more enriched and positive journeys!  That is all any of us can do – and it is good enough.

It is important to know that none of us can ever truly know what the karmic plans are regarding pregnancy, miscarriage, abortion and birth – as those plans come together before we incarnate into this world.  There are countless variables and possibilities of what karmic lessons and spiritual plans can teach us.  However, none of us can prove what these lessons are or are not.  A psychic making a prediction is not proof of what the karmic plan may or may not be.  We will probably not really know the complete answers and the lessons that were agreed to until we are on the other side and can review the agreements, choices and consequences involved.  These answers will be given to us by the lords of karma and our master spiritual teachers, after we have crossed over into the light.

Even though we still are in this physical world, though, it is important that now – right now, we live in the light — the eternal light of hope, eternal blessings and divine forgiveness.  Whatever has happened regarding pregnancy, birth, miscarriage, or abortion  — no matter how horribly any of us have ever felt about our past choices or experiences, we now release it to the most profound and pure form of God’s undying and unconditional love for all of us, knowing that it has all happened for the highest good and that everything will be OK – eternally. 

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 Karma – “To Do”

To begin with, I would like to clarify some of the misconceptions regarding karma and to help define what karma is.  Simply stated, the word karma actually comes from a Sanskrit root that means “to do.” This refers to the consequences of our actions from past lives and this lifetime, too.  Also, karma can mean “comeback.” All we have done before comes back to us, as in what we have done prior which acts like a boomerang in our lives.  In the Bible it is stated, “Whatsoever you sow, ye shall reap.”  The Bible also indicates, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.”  These are statements that also define karma.  It’s common to hear people say the phrases “What goes around, comes around” and “Whatever you do, it comes back to you,” which both speak of karma.

Dharma – “To Be”

Sometimes people confuse karma with dharma.  The word Dharma actually comes from a Sanskrit root that means “to be.”  Dharma deals with the spiritual lessons you need to learn now to spiritually grow and evolve, but dharma is not tied into your actions from former lifetimes as it does with karma.  Dharma indicates the sum total of who you are and your entire being.  Since dharma deals with lessons, not consequences, we have done nothing from our past that creates our current dharma.

Here is an example of dharma:  If you were at the point in your spiritual evolution that you needed to learn the lesson of consideration, (as in being considerate of others) that lesson would come to bear in your life.  Circumstances would be set up for this dharmic lesson to be learned.  It is not based on your prior actions or choices, but simply based on what you need to learn at this time.

To differentiate between karma and dharma, here are some good points to remember:  Karma is what we owe, while dharma is about evolvement.  Karma is about consequence while dharma is about what we need to learn at this time.  Karma is more highly charged while dharma just “is,” and represents where we’re at now from a spiritual point of view. 

In understanding karma, I would like to further explain what karma is and how we create both good and bad karma.  It is easy to think of karma like a cosmic balance sheet.  For every good act you do, score one in the plus column while for every bad act you do, score one in the minus column.  It doesn’t matter whether you get caught or anyone sees what you have done, as whatever you do indeed comes back to you.

Creating Negative Karma

When anyone harms another, they create negative karma.  As mentioned above, karma is much more highly charged than dharma.  Why?  Because negative karma is created by the emotions that one feels when they have been hurt by another person’s harmful actions toward them.  Since these emotions are intense, negative karma is created.

Probably the worst of all negative karmic acts is murder.  With killing another, that person’s chance to grow and offer their unique singular contribution to this world is ended – forever.  Since each of us can only offer our particular gifts to the world, (no one else can take our place in this world) we are each a single, irreplaceable link in the cosmic chain of the supreme master plan.  When someone is taken out, their link is removed which weakens the universal chain.  Whatever that person was here to contribute is gone.  Besides it affecting the entity who was murdered, potentially for an incalculable amount of time, (as it may scar them for multiple lifetimes in the future) it dramatically wounds everyone who is connected to this individual: Friends, family and loved ones, a spouse, children and co workers.

Suicide also creates negative karma.  Think of it this way:  The person committing suicide may think that this is their life and they can do whatever they want with it.  However, I would say that this person has received the gift of a God given life and it is not theirs to take away; it is just the life they happen to be living in.  It would be like someone offering you the gift of staying in their home – that offer doesn’t include the option of destroying the home.  As in murder, suicide is final and adversely affects anyone connected to the person who has chosen to end their life.

Rape, child molestation, physically attacking another, robbery and drunk driving car accidents are all examples of what creates negative karma.  For egregious negative karma creating acts, it can literally take lifetimes for the negative karma to be resolved.  Think of the example of dropping a pebble into the water.  The ripples keep continuing.  With intense negative karma, it is like dropping a million pebbles into the water and trying to gage how far the ripple affect will reach.

However, most of us don’t do the things that are mentioned immediately above.  For most of us who create negative karma, it is often veiled in acts that are socially acceptable or at least tolerated.  If a person at work gossiped about a co-worker and ruined that person’s reputation, a possibility for a promotion and their overall career, that act would create negative karma.  This type of thing is quite common though and not something that would cause outrage in society, as someone molesting a child would, although both acts create negative karma. 

Taking away a persons ability to make a choice creates negative karma.  That old phrase of “The pathway to hell is paved with good intentions” rings so true here.  Let’s use this example:  John was dating Judy and through a misunderstanding, they broke up.  John ran into Judy’s friend Sue a week later.  John asked Sue to please give Judy a message from him.  However, Sue was attracted to John herself, so she decided to not pass on the message from John, hoping that John would become interested in her if he never heard back from Judy.  Here, Sue took away both Judy and John’s choice and therefore, created negative karma.

There are certainly other examples that can be illustrated of how we create negative karma: Manipulating others and stealing to name a few, but the point to always remember is that we create negative karma when we harm or hurt others.

The Consequences of Negative Karma

As negative karmic acts have already been indicated above, one might ask, “How is the degree of consequence for our negative karmic actions determined?  Is it always the same?  Does it vary and if so, why and how?”

In addition to the bad act we have perpetrated on another, it has to also be considered just how much we understand regarding the nature and consequences of our actions.  We hold children to a lesser degree of responsibility than adults, because children don’t know any better.  If a three year old was playing with matches and burned the house down, we would look at that act completely differently than if an adult set a house on fire purposefully and in clear conscience.  Not only do we hold the child and the adult to very different standards legally, the same also holds true karmically. 

Certainly, as adults we understand the repercussions of our actions far more than children do.  In addition, our adult level of spiritual understanding must be taken into consideration, as the more we know spiritually, the higher of a standard we are held to karmically.  Once you know better, you cannot pretend that you don’t understand or pretend to be ignorant as to “get away with it.”  This can also be an example of how dharma and karma work together.  If your dharma is such that your soul has already learned a lesson and you create negative karma anyway, the karmic repercussion will be far greater.

Let’s use our above mentioned gossiping example:  The repercussions are different for someone who would be gossiping about another and not thinking anything bad would come from it, versus someone who planned it out with complete malicious intent to deliberately harm that person’s reputation.  Of course, both acts create karma, but the repercussions would be greater for someone doing it knowingly.

It is sometimes confusing to people who falsely think that negative karma will immediately come back to someone who has wronged them.  In many people’s minds, they feel that if a person wronged them on January 1, 2008, that within days, weeks, or at the latest months, the person who has wronged them should have an equal consequence coming back on them. 

However, there is no strict set of rules as to how long it takes and exactly how karma comes back. Each situation is looked at specifically by the higher forces of the universe that govern and regulate karma (the lords of karma).  All things are taken into consideration: The person’s level of spiritual understanding who created the negative karma as well as any possible past life ties between the entities in question.  Besides that, a person may pay a karmic penalty in a completely separate area of their life different from where the original negative karma was created.  Let’s say that if Joe cheats on Mary, lies to her and destroys her life, he may pay the penalty through reaping health problems down the road and not necessarily through someone else who cheats on him in the future in the way he did to Mary.  Not only can it take years or even decades for a negative karmic consequence to come to bear, it can actually take lifetimes before it is resolved.

Recognizing and Resolving Negative Karma

With negative karma, we know that is based on consequences from former actions.  So how can we recognize it for what it is and resolve bad karma? 

There is a concept that states “If you’re compelled to run toward something or run away from something, there is probably karma involved.”  Karmic situations are complex and not easily diagnosed or perceived.  Since it is hard for most people to perceive karmic situations, (especially if they’re in the middle of it) it may take a great spiritual master to be able to look at the situation at hand from a point of overview to add clarity.  Also, different people enter our lives at various points to bring these karmic situations to bear.  Usually, these situations have an intensity attached to them.  However, what we want from the outcome is not always what we’re here to learn or teach. 

Most people tend to think about how people have hurt them versus focusing on how they have hurt others.  I think that it is important to realize that when someone hurts you, they may not be creating new karma; they may be the vehicle for a karmic debt that you owe.  It is important to note that you cannot tell strictly which it is by how you feel about a situation emotionally.

Also, if a negative situation arises, this may be an opportunity to resolve karma from the past – maybe things got violent or ended in murder in a past life and the two parties have agreed to come together to try to resolve it this time without violence.  Sometimes, people come back together and wind up making more karma in the process!

Often, we have to go through the journey, like following a plot line in a movie we’re seeing for the first time.  We may not know where the story is heading, yet we need to make the journey.  Sometimes, we don’t realize the lessons we are here to learn or teach when we’re in the story.  However, we must try to do the right thing, as to not create additional negative karma. 

We should always “deal with it,” make amends, and bring things to a resolution.  Since negative karmic situations are highly emotionally charged, we must be very careful of our emotions and not build our actions from an emotionally charged point of view.  With these feelings, we are capable of making bad decisions and adding on even more negative karma if our actions are solely or in part based on our emotions.

Family relationships, romantic partners and any people who serve an important role in our lives are probably karmic relationships.  With these often-complex interactions, we must try and step back from our emotions, call upon divine guidance and do what is spiritually correct, especially because there is always limited time in a given incarnation to fix things.  It is not as if we have eternity in this particular incarnation to get it right.  Certainly we don’t want to drag negative karma into future lifetimes if at all possible.  Resolving negative karma may not always be what you or the others involved desire, but when our actions are right, negative karma becomes lessened or resolved.

Buddhism teaches that the goal is to severe all karmic ties, as to not keep reincarnating into the physical dimension of illusion we are currently in.

Negative emotions are just like handcuffs that bind us to all we have anger, resentment or hatred toward.  Work toward coming to peace with anyone you have bad blood with and absolutely work on forgiving them!  Even if you can’t come to peace directly with them, work on achieving peace and forgiveness from within yourself regarding the person or persons where negativity exists.  Remember, peace and forgiveness lessens and heals negative emotions, which helps to resolve bad karma.

Since hate also creates karma, we must work diligently on forgiving anyone or anything we have ever hated.  All hatred must be cleansed out of our systems, thoroughly and permanently.  By forgiving anyone and anything, we have resolved negative karma and are less likely to create new additional bad karma as we reach a higher level of vibration and spiritual understanding.  The Dali Lama says that to think of murdering someone is actually the same thing as murdering that person.  In the Bible, this concept is applied with the question being posed, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”  Here, “keeper” means “keeper in thought,” as in the thoughts we think of others.  Therefore, we should always hold everyone in loving thoughts.

Here is a good rule of thumb: Always be loving to yourself and loving to the other person or persons involved.  By living by the code of love, you won’t go wrong.  Make the sincere effort to handle all situations in your life with complete love of both yourself as well as all others involved.  This will take work, as our ego, defense mechanisms, emotions and smaller selves try to get involved and create negativity as opposed to seeing things resolved for the greater good.  Again, remember that by building all of your thoughts, intentions, actions and choices toward others solidly on the foundation of love, negative karma gets resolved!

Creating Good Karma

By performing positive acts toward others, we do indeed create good karma.  Even if no one sees it, it does come back to you.  Perform acts of kindness and goodness toward others regularly, without asking for anything in return.

Creating good karma now will be reaped later.  It is always good to know that you’re setting up your future consequences in a positive way.  Being generous, helpful, supportive and loving all creates good karma.  Remember, God will utilize you in positive ways if you’re open to it, so it won’t be as if you have to look all around you (like looking for a needle in a haystack) to know what to do.  Be willing to offer loving acts to others and those who can benefit from your loving acts will appear on your pathway!  Also, be honest, always loving, and wish everyone only good, especially those who have hurt you!  I love the phrase, “To give is to receive!  By giving lovingly to others, you will receive good karma in the future!

A Story

I would like to share a story with you that I heard a few years ago.  It came to me at a time when I had been seriously devastated by the actions of another and was working daily on forgiveness, which I did achieve.  This story, to me, illustrates quite profoundly and graphically the effects of our choices and the karma those actions create.

A man deliberately said something bad about his Rabbi that was completely false and therefore, ruined the Rabbis’ reputation.  He then felt bad for what he had done and consulted his Rabbi as to what he should do to “make it right.” The Rabbi told him to come back the next day with a feather pillow.  When the man came back with the pillow, the Rabbi took the pillow outside, cut it open and let all the feathers fly out of the pillow. The wind carried the feathers all over the place.  The Rabbi told the man, “Each feather represents someone to whom you told the lie, or someone who heard about the lie from someone you told.  The only way for you to undo what you have done is to collect each feather and put it back in the pillow.” The man was very sincere in his desire to repent, so he immediately went about trying to collect the feathers.  But the next day he returned to the Rabbi with only a half filled pillow case and told the Rabbi that it was impossible to collect all the feathers.  The Rabbi said, “Exactly. You can never fully remedy an attack on someone’s reputation.”

In Closing

As illustrated by the story of the Rabbi, negative karma is quite hard to resolve.  Most of us like to think of quick fixes, like going to confession to absolve us of our sins.  However, the repercussions for negative karma echo on, for years, decades, even lifetimes.  It is sobering to realize how far reaching our choices and consequences for such actions are and how complex it can be.

With that in mind, we work toward watching what we do and yes, we need to be afraid of our own boomerangs.  Remember that “The fear of the Lord (Karmic law)” is the beginning of wisdom.  With that fear, we are careful to only do all that is good and what is right by others and with that as our commitment, we not only stop creating negative karma, we resolve existing bad karma from before, and create good karma with all that is loving toward everyone.

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

I would like to offer a very special Valentine’s Day greeting to you.

One of my psychic clients was telling me her view of Valentine’s Day in a reading I was giving her just yesterday. Her simplicity and sincerity was heartfelt and heartwarming to say the least and I’d like to share some of her sentiments with all of you.

“You don’t need to buy anyone anything — just tell them that you love them,” she said. “Even if it’s not a lover, tell someone in your life that are loved and appreciated,” she went on to say. “Just let someone know that they’re special to you.”

Thanks for the inspiration!

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you,
Jim

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Most of us who are parents never realize the complexities, challenges and effort it will ultimately take when we first bring a child into this world.  Often, we are excited, perhaps for our own subjective reasons and hope that our kids do “turn out” in a certain way; the way we want them to.  However, as the story unfolds, it is filled with twists and turns, some perceivable, while others that can only be experienced and learned as things develop throughout time, frequently in surprising ways to all concerned.

Deep karmic ties

Before we were born into the physical world, we chose our parents, exactly in the same way our children also choose us as their parents before they come into an incarnation.  Children and parents always have deep karmic and spiritual ties, contractual agreements and lessons to mutually learn.  It is never a clean slate between a parent and a child, as in looking at a blank canvas before one paints on it.  There are already former lifetimes shared and pre-written karmic agreements formed spiritually before either the parent or child has incarnated into this current lifetime.  This all happens on the other side, between physical incarnations, where all of the souls involved agree upon terms, conditions, lessons to learn and the ultimate spiritual goals that are to be achieved in a given human journey.

If you were raised by difficult or even abusive parents yourself, you might question, “Why would I have chosen them as my parents, when they were so horrible to me?”  The answer is that we choose our parents and vice versa for what is to be learned spiritually, which could literally be anything – lessons hold infinite possibilities. It all depends on what the souls involved are here to experience!  In a perfect world, every family is not meant to be the stereotypic perfect family: two kids, two happy parents, living in the suburbs, etc.  Each parent and child dynamic is quite unique unto itself and must be assessed on a case by case basis.  These very lessons are what often make parent / child relationships quite complex, with many dynamics and layers to be worked through.

How is your child special and unique?

There are many things that are absolutely singular and unique about your child and every child.  What are their special talents?  What are their one of a kind personality qualities, or quirks?  What stands out about them from the time they were learning to crawl?  As you stop and think about it, these are things that make your child who they are – before they incarnated with you.  The very qualities and talents they possess before being born into this lifetime are theirs, as they bring these gifts with them.

As a parent it is your job to foster, nurture, encourage and help to develop all that is special about your child.  Whether it’s a great musical or artistic gift, like a child who starts drawing, then painting before kindergarten, or someone who shows tremendous abilities to play the piano, seemingly out of nowhere.  It is never out of nowhere.  It comes from the accumulative work and efforts of what he / she has done before being born to you, the parent.  Here, the parent provides the vehicle for the child to blossom into who they are, but the parent should not decide who and what their child must be.  It is already there!  We as parents just need to observe and help it along, so to speak.

Often, the child chooses the parent who is completely willing and able to help them manifest what is unique about them.  For example:  a child who has the gift of athletic ability may choose to be born to a father who himself is an athletic coach.  This sets the stage for the parent to easily and organically be able to help their child along his way to becoming who they are meant to be and therefore, the contract between the two souls can be fulfilled.  Never forget, every single child has attributes and qualities that will never be found in anyone else – ever!  With that in mind, as parents, we keep our eyes and ears open to observe what makes our child special, unique and one of a kind.  These attributes may be revealed later in life as opposed to early on, as mentioned above.  There is no strict rule of thumb for the timing of when it will all start to come of age, but it does happen, sooner or later.

Kids have their own lessons and karma

Besides the special gifts, talents and unique talents of every child, each child also has their own lessons to learn and karma to be worked through.  This also comes with the child before they are born into a human body.  Their lessons are theirs, regardless of how you raise them: meaning, there is nothing you can do to eliminate or take away their lessons and karma.  How you do raise them though, will determine if you help them to learn their lessons, as in assisting them in a positive way, or make it inherently harder for them to work through their lessons and karma by not guiding them in the correct fashion for them.  As a parent, you won’t be able to learn the lessons for them.  No matter how hard you try or how much you love them, they will have to go through certain experiences, hardships, struggles and pain – in short, going through it themselves! 

Even if a parent raised a child absolutely perfectly, (as many of us have aspired to do) they will still have we call in today’s world, baggage!  We must understand our part in all of this! We have not created this baggage; therefore, it is not ours to be able to take it away.  We are there to assist, offer counsel, support, even limits when needed.  We are not intended to merely be just ineffectual bystanders. We participate in the process, but we cannot become the child and step into their shoes.  We can’t be them, or try to take all of their work away from them!  Sometimes this process is so hard for a parent who truly loves their child with all of their heart – not wanting to see them suffer or struggle at all.  However, with the spiritual awareness that their lessons and karma belong to them, we, as parents now know our appropriate role.

Mini me

Sometimes we like to look at our kids as a mirror of us – a reflection of our personal values — an extension of who we are, like a miniature action figure or tiny doll made in our image, a mini me!  If we have preferences, likes, dislike, vocations, religious orientations, we somehow assume that our children will take on our own sensibilities.  If you take a survey of parents anywhere, I bet you would find that most parents have had the exact opposite of what they wanted occur – that their kids have often gone against their values, if not as a statement of rebellion, but as a statement of who they are as individuals. And that is a good thing.  Our children are not miniature versions of us.  They have their own uniqueness and like each of our fingerprints are naturally different, so are we as people – those differences even exist within the sacred bond between parents and children.

We must never lose sight of the fact that even though our children may not follow in our footsteps, they are still affected by us.  If we disapprove of them not replicating us, criticize or condemn them for not building upon who we are, we internally damage and scar them.  Caught between the push and pull of trying to be who they are while being put down by us, the internalization of such guilt really ways heavily on our children.  That guilt can cause multiple problems including low self-esteem and self-destructive behavior.  As each of us as an individual has a set of contributions to offer to the world, God never makes two people to be alike.  Therefore, our children are not supposed to be mini me’s.  It may seem that our bond with them would be stronger if they were clones of us, but it would only inhibit our children from being who they truly are in essence and as individuals.

Even if raised perfectly, they won’t be perfect

Sometimes as parents we look to our relationships with our children as a vehicle to heal our past pain with our own parents, a way of righting the wrongs and hurts of the past.  We may try and be the perfect parent – we will never hit, abuse, scream or yell at them!  Everything will be talked out and reasoned in a compassionate way.  Money is there and a peaceful home will always provide the solace a child needs.  In some strange way, it could almost make sense.  Look at adults who have so many issues from their childhood and upbringing.  Imagine if that negativity had never initially been there; how different this adult would be today, for the better!

However, all of us come into this world with karma and lessons, which initially start off as blind spots in our personality structure.  When we have a lesson to learn, we won’t perceive it before it’s learned.  We only know it once the lesson and karma are resolved.  We will pick personality qualities before incarnating that facilitate the learning, which people could perceive as our bad qualities, even though they are not necessarily bad in reality.  For example:  If one’s lesson is to become humble, they will architect a personality before being born that is arrogant.  This way, there is a vehicle to set up this lesson.  With an already existing humbled personality, everything would have already been a completed fact and already known.  With an arrogant personality, one’s ego goes through different experiences whereby the ego is engaged, encountering struggles, frustration, adjustments, growth and finally, transcendence.  Humility ultimately occurs.

Often, our desire to make our children perfect by raising them perfect is about us and our need to feel good as parents.  Through this perfection, we’re trying to alleviate our own guilt, our own senses of inadequacies.  Through the lofty goal of perfectionism, we become OK!  If I raise the perfect child, then my guilt is washed away clean like being forgiven by Jesus himself, which is something a parent may incorrectly feel inside.  However, with these perfectionistic goals, we make our children neurotic, obsessive, compulsive to be the best and in their absolute desire to please, they may shut down, because they can never reach our standards, the standards that have been inherently unattainable and unfair all along.

When kids are raised the same, they turn out different

Many parents in stable homes raise all of their kids the same way; the same values, disciplines and structures.  The kids have been born only a year or so apart.  The money situation has been consistent as well and no tragedies have befallen the family.  If we came into an incarnation with no predispositions, karma, qualities or pre-existing conditions from former lifetimes, then these children should all turn out the same, or at the very least, close to the same.  For those who believe that we come into this world as nothing more than a blank piece of paper, what would their explanation be for children who were brought up exactly the same, turning out radically different from each other? 

Here again, we see how past lives play into the picture.  As mentioned above, before a child is born, they have acquired many gifts and talents throughout several lifetimes, bring a special quality that is theirs alone, which doesn’t belong to anyone other than them and most certainly have spiritual / karmic lessons they must go through to learn.  And yes, each of us know this before we are born here.  We agree to what we’re supposed to do!  Being born in the physical plane is the ultimate in dumbing down.  We virtually forget everything. Why?  So we can start as infants to grow and learn – to be ourselves and evolve as individuals, certainly not duplicates of our siblings.

For example:  The parents of John Hinckley, the man who was stalking actor Jody Foster and tried to assassinate then President Ronald Reagan to impress her, were emphatic that they raised all of their kids exactly the same.  There were no tragedies, shocking surprises in their upbringings or u-turns.  Nothing was out of the ordinary.  So what happened?  Why did their son do what he did, then?  Because these were his qualities, his choices and on some level, who he was, even though it seems unfathomable to most of us.  With other examples such as three siblings who all choose diametrically opposed careers, or acquire conflicting religious beliefs, brothers and sisters are never joined at the hip regarding who they are.

The key as parents is to offer the same degree of love, consistency, structure and rules to all of our children, although, with the knowledge that they will all turn out different from each other.  We shouldn’t compromise what we know to be right and wrong, yet each child is still going to be who they are; on a soul level.  With that awareness in mind, we are not intimidated by each distinctive and separate essence each of our children bring to us and to the collective as a whole.  We know our job is to realize that the same formula forever yields completely varying and different results.  Since each child has different needs, talents and strengths, as a parent, you do what you can to bring out and enhance what works for them.

Both parent and child teach each other

It would seem normal to presume that as parents, we are the teachers of our children.  After all, we are the adults, who have gone to school, had careers, paid the bills and made our way in this world.  Children come into the world, not even knowing the terrible physical dangers that are present in this world – say wandering into the street naively.  From a spiritual perspective though, it is quite different.  As the great metaphysical master Florence Shinn said, “No one is your friend, no one is your enemy, everyone is your teacher.”  Teaching and learning, from a spiritual point of view, is not about who has the life experience and has gone to college being the actual instructor.  It is a much more deep and profound sense of learning; the concept that everyone we meet is divinely designed to teach us, as we are to teach them.  This higher sense of education is architected in divine mind, perfectly and immutably.  The people we meet, connect with, even bring into this world are already designed to be taught by us and vice versa.  Infinite intelligence already knows this. 

With that in mind, we reevaluate our relationship with our children in a new way.  Instead of being the parent who says, “This is the way it is, end of issue,” we learn to listen and to be open minded.  Certainly we must guide and raise our children, in short, do our job; while at the same time, we are ever learning from them.  There is never such a thing as a one-way lesson.  Teaching is a two-way street.  As children learn, parents learn, or are suppose to.  Often, parents refuse to live and learn and grow through their experiences with their child.  Rigidity makes adults closed to growth and non-flexible.

Certainly, any parent would tell you that there have been many unexpected surprises in raising their children, some easy to handle, while others, quite challenging.  However, there is always something to learn.  This concept should be even taken a step further; it is divinely planned what we’re suppose to learn, therefore, we should assume and trust that our experiences with our children are there to not only teach them, but to enlighten us and expand our growth as well!

Parenting is a job

Parenting is a job – a full time job – with no paid vacation days, or personal days.  It is a constant, ever present job that is work – hard work.  Often, before having kids, we think of how cute and adorable they’ll be laying in their crib, endlessly giggling and then beginning to crawl.  But kids come with their own baggage and set of issues as established above, no matter how perfectly they are raised.  It is important as parents to approach parenting as a job, with its own set of rules and regulations and challenges.

We must love our children – unconditionally.  Not love them only till they do something we don’t like, or even resent, such as marrying a person we can’t stand, doing poorly in school, or indulging in negative behaviors.  With unconditional love, it just is…a continual and endless stream of light and love, without judgment whatsoever, pouring down eternally from the highest universe through us and to our children.  It cannot have conditions on it – or the love will fall short.   No matter who or what our children become, when we love them unconditionally, it will always end up being better for them, meaning that unconditional love always helps our children in one way or another to become better people.  And that doesn’t mean that we need to be doormats and let them walk all over us.  If our children, say, had stolen something from us, there must be consequences for such an action, but the love never stops!  If they don’t do their homework, they must be directed to do so – and if consequences or restrictions are necessary, that is fine.  Yet, unconditional love means that even when they’ve done wrong, they are dealt with by us in a nurturing, compassionate, kind and supportive way.

We must prepare our children to become functioning members of society.  That is our job!  Someday, they will need to take their place alongside everyone else in this world with people who won’t be nice to them and people who won’t care.  Our day-by-day job is to set them up to be able to be a part of this enormous collective consciousness and contribute positively; in whatever way they are divinely designed to do so.  Our relationship with them is secondary to who they as individuals and who they need to become in their adult lives. 

It is a bonus if they can love us in return – but we can’t expect it.  Expecting it is selfish and defeats the purpose of parenting – again, to prepare our children to join this ever moving journey, where only they can bring to the table what God has gifted them with.  Let us say that our kids loving us in return is a nice bonus, like receiving a huge year end check at the end of the year, but we must not be waiting for it.

The hip and with it parent

That super cool parent – the one that initially lets their 6 year old stay up as late as they want – lets them miss school if they don’t feel like going, shares intimate details about their lives in ways that are inappropriate for a youngster; (“I use to smoke pot in college”).  The parent who let’s their kid drink or get high as a teenager, have sex in the house… Of course, most kids would love a parent like that, because they let the child do whatever they want.  How many kids do you know that would rather stay up all night and miss school the next day versus go to bed early and get up and go to school on time? 

This is the parent who wants to be accepted, approved of and not seen as the bad guy.  When a parent goes missing in action and becomes more like a cool big sister or brother, they dramatically harm their child.  However, that child will probably love their mom or dad for being their friend, their buddy – not the authority figure!  (Even if later, the child, as an adult, wakes up and realizes how unstructured and dangerous their upbringing was, they will certainly love this type of parent as they’re growing up).  That kind of love from a child is deceptive and dangerous, because it is at the expense of doing what is in the best interest of the child.  As sobering as it is, parenting is often a thankless job, but it is our obligation to do what’s right by our children.  After, all, we’re the ones who brought them here in the first place.

Ann Landers

The legendary advice columnist Ann Landers once did a survey of her readers.  The basic question was: “If you had to do it all over again, would you still become a parent?”  Overwhelmingly, most respondents said “No, they wouldn’t have children if they had to do it all over again.”  What this means is that somehow, they didn’t get what they wanted out of the experience, which indicated that their expectations weren’t met.  Whether those expectations were that their kids turn out the way they wanted them to, take over the family business, marry someone they approve of, choose a lifestyle the fits their existing values as parents, some or all of these expectations were not met.  With that in mind, it begs the question, what should our expectations be as parents?

I don’t think we can expect a conclusion set up in our own minds and designed by us, as we never truly know what will ultimately transpire regarding our children and their relationship to us.  Certainly, we can’t ever really make them into what we want them to be.  However, we can hope for the best!  We can do our jobs correctly, with humility!  We should call upon God’s divine guidance every day to lead our children in the best way humanly possible!  In a sense, though, it all comes down to our egos – if our ego’s are engaged and invested into our parenting roles, we’ll always come up short.

Don’t let your ego get involved

“How dare my child not respect me?  Who do they think they are, going against my wishes,” a parent questions?  “After all I’ve done for them, they show no appreciation whatsoever,” the parent concludes.  With this righteous indignation, what is really behind what is being stated and the actual problem at hand?  It is the ego of the parent, with all of its dominance, pride and rigidity.  The ego wants what is wants – plain and simple.  Ego doesn’t deal with compromise, or understanding.  Ego is about being king or queen! The more we come from a place of ego as parents, the more we’ll run into trouble with our kids.  Ego attracts itself right back to itself.  Meaning, if you’re coming from a place of ego, people will mirror right back to you your own ego – especially your children.  Why?  Because we interact with our kids on such an intimate level, that whatever their deep-seated issues are, become engaged by us and vice versa!  It’s the same thing with intimate lovers; both parties trigger whatever baggage exists within.

So how do we then deal with our egos as parents?  We must try to not come from a place of ego, as much as possible.  It is never good to parent from our egos.  We should always try to rise above such a lower level of consciousness and surrender the process of raising our kids to our higher selves, where all answers are within reach and divine guidance is ever present.  When we rise above the ego, kindness and perfect guidance will be the foundation of our interaction with our children. We’ve all heard the phrase, you catch more flies with honey that with vinegar.  It is the same thing here.  With surrendering our egos, we no longer expect our children to be grateful.  We have no real right to expect them to thank us, appreciate us, or even acknowledge what we’ve done for them.  That is simply our job.  With that increased sense of humility in mind, we learn to become, as God wants us to be; serving humbly without expectation of reward or appreciation.

Don’t overreact

“You got what on your report card?  You mean to tell me that you have three “F’s” for this grading period,” a parent screams as they question?  “I can’t believe this.  You’re grounded: no telephone, computer, no friends over – go to your room,” the parent shrieks in disgust!  Most of us as parents have probably been through this scenario or something similar.  However, when we take a step back, we should realize that we’ve overreacted.  We’ve taken it too far.  Yes, three “F’s” are not good.  In fact, it could be a real problem.  But does screaming accomplish anything at all?  Of course it doesn’t. 

It either makes the kids angry and defensive, or feeling terrible about themselves, or a combination of both.  None of these internalized energies by the child will help them bring up their grades.  The overreaction only adds fuel to the already existing fire.  So what would be a better way to handle it?  Certainly, the parent has the right to express concern, even disappointment; but in a clear, solution based way.  Why did these grades slip?  Once the problem is established, what’s the plan of action to fix this situation?  This way, the problem is seen by the child as an issue that needs to be resolved, not an emotionally charged out of control blaze of fire with all of the extra appendages that go with this type of drama: anger, rage, defensiveness, acting out, low self esteem and throwing in the towel, because it all seems too insurmountable to the child.

Again, here we see how our children teach us.  If we learn to not overreact, we gain mastery and control of our emotional natures – we learn to become understanding, and most of all, we learn to see things in their proper perspective, not from a highly charged vantage point.  On a deeper lever, this is a lesson of acceptance for us, rising above the judgmentalness that has plagued all of us, whether by being judged or through judging others.  By accepting our children for who they are, we not only help them to grow in self-acceptance, we also help ourselves to rise to a higher level of consciousness.

Children learn by example, not what we say

It had been said that the best type of leader is one who simply leads by example – the person who just does what is right day-by-day, without fanfare or show.  It has been reinforced time and time again that these leaders, whether parents, athletic coaches, teachers, or bosses, have the strongest and most positively profound impact on others.

If we drink, how can we tell our children that they should never drink?  If we smoke, how can we yell at our kids if we catch them with a cigarette?  If we swear all day long and use foul language, how can we censor our children when they do the same?  The answer is obvious — we can’t.  It’s that old hypocritical adage of “do as I say and not as I do.” 

Whether we know it or not, our children really do learn from us – not so much from what we say, but from what we do, even when they’re rebelling and pretending they don’t notice.  They absorb our examples and take their cues in one way or another from us, every single day!  We must set the stage and lay the groundwork, always making sure to raise the bar to the right level.

Think of yourself – do you like to simply be told what to do?  Who does?   Our kids feel the same.  They don’t like to be ordered around, either.  Of course, there are certain things we have to tell them to do, (chores, homework, going to bed) but the point here, is that if you simply set the example every day, consistently, along with letting them know the basics, it will have a much greater impact on them as opposed to telling them how to behave or how to live their lives.  If it doesn’t appear like you’re shoving it down their throats, they’ll absorb and process it all so much more easily, in a seamless way.  Why?  Because their defenses and egos won’t get engaged!  It is a masterful way to parent and far more effective than just using words as the law of the land.

Often we don’t see the results of how our examples have helped to shape and define our children till much later down the road.  In the same way that life is a work in process, so are children.  They are ever evolving, especially before they’re fully functioning adults.  Think of the big picture, the accumulative affect!  It is incomprehensible, the infinite things we will have shown our children from birth till they’re adults and even beyond them being young adults.  As the popular therapist Dr. Phil says, “We never stop being parents.”  All that we do as parents makes an enormous difference, more than anything we ever simply say!  The integrity of your sincere and consistent actions speak louder than anyone shouting from the highest mountaintops! 

Children live what they learn!  Never forget the times you understood when they made a mistake!  Remember when you didn’t lie when you could have – the times you bought them gifts as an expression of your love – how about when you listened to them, without judgment?  As we will raise them till they become adults and beyond that and never really stop being their parents, it takes a lifetime of continual positive examples, day in and day out, to guide them correctly. 

This way, we help our children evolve and develop into being the very best individuals they can possibly be.  As adults, they will make the highest possible contributions to everyone they ever encounter and touch throughout their lives, perpetuating the endless cycle of love that is everyone’s true calling – and real destiny.  This way, as parents, we have done our job, fulfilled our contracts and agreements, by simply doing what is right and for the purpose of the highest good, without emotional expectations of any kind, but for the joy of serving God’s humble purpose.

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