Voice of the Spirit

What actually is cheating… doesn’t everyone already know what it is?  Having sex with someone other than the person you’re with, right…?  Being unfaithful, you know, seeing someone else on the side behind your partner’s back, c’mon - strip clubs, prostitutes, one night stands behind your lovers back, a man’s mistress, that dangerous bad boy toy on the side for a bored housewife…

But you might be surprised to learn that so many people have quite varying and diverse standards as to exactly what it is to cheat.  It’s obvious that everyone would agree that someone who is secretly having actual sexual intercourse with another person than who they’re in a committed relationship with, does constitute infidelity.  But what about those who engage in just oral sex without intercourse - kissing and touching?  Does flirting pass the test?  Cyber sex on the internet, exchanging lewd pictures…Does even the mere thought and sexual fantasy of someone without any actual physical activity rise to the level of infidelity? 

I’ve had clients share with me that they were more devastated by their spouses “emotional cheating;” meaning the sharing of emotional intimacy with someone who they did not have any physical sex with, as opposed to their partner simply having sex with another, say a one-night stand.  Many clients have claimed to me that receiving oral sex does not rise to the level of infidelity, and that cyber sex on the internet is safe, clean and of no harm to their lovers. 

Any or all of these criteria can be looked at in any number of ways, and for the purpose of this writing, all of these realities may be included and considered.  Each of you, as the reader, can decide, perhaps in a mix and match way, which, or how many of these above-mentioned issues you consider to constitute infidelity.  In every partnership, the two people need to set the parameters of the relationship and what defines infidelity. When one or both people step outside of the agreed to parameters, it constitutes infidelity.  With that in mind, let’s look at some of the reasons why people are unfaithful.

What does infidelity really do to a relationship - does it end it flat like a wrecking ball knocking down a home and destroy people’s lives permanently?  Does it sort of get swept under the rug, overlooked, sending the relationship into a strange kind of limbo?  Could it even be a vehicle for healing and growth, as in learning from our mistakes, facilitating a renewal of the bond people share?   Here, I would like to address various reasons why people are unfaithful, and their respective repercussions on relationships in the short and the long run.

“John, why are you cheating on your wife?  She’s a fantastic woman, great to look at, sexy, totally into you, and adores you,” a buddy questions?  “Because I can,” John flatly responds, as so many unfaithful men do.  John is your most stereotypic type of cheater:  arrogant, wants the thrill of the chase and the catch, feels it’s his birthright as a man to go out there and do what he wants, is full of himself, all the while wanting to have his cake and eat it too.  Certainly, John would never be the sort of guy to put up with his wife doing the same, or care about what he’s doing to her: from a health perspective, betrayal, and the emotional and psychological damage she will incur if and when she finds out. 

This type of infidelity usually has nothing sympathetic attached to it; it’s not as if his wife won’t make love to him, or that she’s disrespectful of his dignity, so therefore he needs to find someone who can be there for him - this is selfishness and uncaringness at it’s strongest and most flagrant.  It’s like a bully who picks fights just to flex his muscle and establish dominance and power over others merely to self gratify his ego.

With this type of cheating, it’s very hard to stop a man like John; it’s not that his wife is the problem at all - but once she finds out about his dishonest ways because or picking up a sexually transmitted disease from John’s continued stepping out, she becomes devastated and says:  “I failed as a wife - I must not be pretty enough-Certainly I don’t satisfy him sexually.  If I did, why would he have to look somewhere else?”

Wait a minute, though - this woman is not looking at the motive behind John’s cheating - it’s none of those things she feared about herself.  This is John’s enormous and self-centered arrogance at play.  You could give him the most attractive model in the world who’s totally into him and he would do the exact same thing to her.  It is about him, not about his wife.  In short, there’s nothing wrong with her as a woman. 

In this instance, her self-esteem gets destroyed, her self-image as a woman goes dramatically downhill and she loses her ability to trust.  With this scenario, it is most likely that sooner or later, the marriage between John and his wife will simply end - but it’s not that simple.  Due to John’s infidelity, his wife has had her self esteem flatlined, may go into a serious tail spin of depression where she becomes obsessed with not being good enough, legitimately has a health crisis from the physical act of the cheating, looses her ability to trust John, other men, and even life itself.  The repercussions here are absolutely devastating.

Let’s look at Allan, another married man, who is not the continual cheater as in the case of John.  In Allan’s case, he’s an example of a person who sometimes takes for granted what they have at home, gets bored, and carelessly slides into an affair.  “It just happened.  I wasn’t looking for it,” Allan sheepishly explains.  “Maybe it’s because my wife gained ten pounds.  I don’t know.  I just wanted something different.” 

Here, unnecessary pain is incurred by his wife who didn’t see it coming, has to decide whether to view this as an isolated incident or a long-term pattern, and must struggle with the proposition of rebuilding her trust in her husband who she has always believed in.  Extra work is created here, with damage that is quite palpable and hard to totally repair.  It’s like a car that was in an accident - the car was not totaled but there’s significant damage.  How easy is it to really bring the vehicle back to the condition it was in before the accident?

Sometimes a woman has tried everything they can to make their relationship work.  Fighting being ignored, dismissed and disregarded, the person does their best to hang in and hope for things to get better.  After their overall needs, especially their intimate ones have not been met for years, even decades, they being to look elsewhere, or at least become open to someone new.  “I never wanted to cheat on my husband, but this new guy talks to me, cares about what I feel and need, so I couldn’t help myself. “I‘m falling in love,” a wife at the end of her rope explains. 

Here we see how the husband has neglected his marriage to the potential point of no return.  The possible cure may be too late.  Before things went this far, the husband could have probably repaired the union, through increased intimacy, being attentive to his wife’s needs, and simply being a husband.  As a reader, I have very seldom seen a marriage damaged to this degree ever repair itself and last. 

The husband may have not seen it coming even though one could say that through his neglect of his wife, he helped to set it up.  It’s still easy for him to be quite upset, though; perhaps if the wife came to her husband first, before anything much developed with the other man, this blow could have at least been somewhat softened.

Beyond that, there are those instances where a relationship, even a once happy marriage, has run its course through two people legitimately growing apart and either one, or both people finding someone new, even through infidelity.  As complex as these situations may often be, in the end, moving on seems to be the best thing for both people who are no longer satisfied together.  It may be indeed better if the ties are severed first, then new lovers are found, but often, things don’t evolve in such a tidy and clear-cut way.  Sometimes, while still being married, a new relationship for one or both parties facilitates and motivates the actual end of the stagnant and miserable marriage.  All in all, both parties end up happier apart.

Serial cheaters, such as John, mentioned above in this writing, are unlikely to ever change. Why?  It’s a simple answer — they don’t want to.  It’s like telling someone who loves his or her alcohol and can’t wait to order another drink to stop drinking and go to AA.  They have no desire to; just like John, who won’t even entertain the idea of stopping cheating.  However, for those who slid into the affair as in the case of Allan, there may perhaps still be a chance to fix things, as his actions have not been a repetitive occurrence and happened carelessly, even clumsily.

For those who get found out only ‘cause they got caught, and falsely, often dramatically pledge their loyalty to their partner, cheating is likely to occur again.  If the motive of the cheater is to keep their primary partner in their lives, but still have action on the side, all of the tears in the world are completely disingenuous and false - even theatrical camp. 

For example:  “Jim, he’s a man.  You know, men do cheat.  Whatever he does out there in the streets in his business.  He comes home to ME every night.  Plus, when I found out, he even cried.”  My response is that criminals also cry when they get sentenced; is the reason for their tears because they feel empathy for their crimes and victims, or because they know they are going off to prison?  The answer is obvious…

This type of rationalization just keeps this mess going - till any number of things can and do happen:  outside pregnancies, health risks and things falling apart.  Here, the woman is going to blow it off, live in denial, obfuscate the issues, and continue to go along with it, as if she was driving a car blindfold down the street.  A crash will certainly occur.

It’s hard to put into words the atomic, destructive, frightening even deadly consequences of infidelity: From anger, rage, hurt, loss of trust, betrayal, financial collapse, even suicide and murder; cheating often turns people’s lives upside down - almost always not for the better.

In a perfect world where lovers tell the truth to each other, things are infinitely much easier, regardless of the long-term success or failure of a given relationship.  And in certain instances, a marriage can be saved, even after infidelity.  Where there is remorse, there can be forgiveness and things can be fixed.  When there is accountability without excuses, one can change for the better while learning from their mistakes.  There are times where people do heal, grow, and rebuild what they’ve invested long and hard into.  The keys are:  accountability for past actions, remorse, the commitment to change for the better and the sincere attempt to repair the damage already done to your partner!

If one is truly wanting to make their relationship work, the best thing to do is to always tell the truth when it comes to infidelity and potential infidelity, preferably before cheating.  Even if people separate, there is a much more likely chance for people to move on successfully in their future relationships. Honesty also allows certain relationships to be saved, everyone’s lives mad more peaceful, devastation avoided, with everyone’s dignity remaining intact and most of all, a better bond built.

Topic: Honesty in our relationships!
Goal: To build our relationships on the foundation of honesty.

I am grateful to be in relationships that are honest, forthright and fair to everyone concerned!

What is it really to know something - to know anything?  Does it mean that we grasp in our minds what it is…is that enough?  Perhaps that we can tell others that we indeed know it - and verbally explain it in great detail? 

To mentally “get it” is only the very tip of the iceberg of the surprisingly deep and complex process of knowing.  There are so many layers to get through to really know: from our conscious mind, through our emotions and feelings, defense mechanism, ultimately all the way down to our subconscious mind.

When receiving a reading, what does one think they know?   Do certain clients believe that they already have the answers?  If they don’t “get” what the reader is saying — do they listen…become closed off…interrupt - even argue…?  When a message seems absolutely implausible, is it time to dismiss that information as being false..?  Even telling the reader that they’re dead wrong…?

The Conscious Mind - Beginning to drill for oil

Like the surface of the ground we begin drilling for oil on, knowing something in our conscious mind is only the very beginning of that knowledge and we barely scratch that surface by only mentally processing.  For example, how many people can look a friend straight in the eye and tell them that what they’re doing is wrong?  Whether refusing to work, stealing, lying, cheating on their partners, the person can admit that their deeds are absolute acts of wrongdoing.  So why don’t they stop, then?  Presumably, one can say that they “know it.”  After all, they are admitting the “bad” things they are doing.  In short, it’s because they don’t know it emotionally; on a deeper level and down to the core of their being.  The same situation holds true when receiving a reading.  If the client already thinks that they know, they are not going to be open to what comes through in a consultation, which severely ties the hands of the reader behind their back.

When having a reading, many clients will stop a psychic dead in their tracks and say, “I already know what you’re telling me.  We don’t need to focus on what you’re saying at all.”  However, the reader didn’t know what the client already knew - they are picking up this information for the very first time.  By stopping the reader cold, they are preventing themselves as a client from a deeper sense of knowing!  Why?  Because the reader is establishing a connection with the client, which strengthens the spiritual synergy between both parties to allow helpful and wonderful guidance to be revealed!  Plus, the psychic is establishing that they are legitimately tuned in and picking up the client’s situation accurately which should always be appreciated during a session.  Also, the person may miss deeper insights and an alternate viewpoint the psychic may pick up.

In addition, clients will tell a psychic to stop reinforcing something, as they have already heard it said to them before in prior readings.  “I already know what to do,” they may state.  “Why is this being brought up again?  Can we change the subject?”  But reinforcement is absolutely necessary, especially when a client is working on a difficult lesson; a life lesson.  When life lessons are involved for any of us, we never “know” quickly.  Rather, we need to process, work and continue this “drilling” process, till we finally begin to break through the surface (beginning to learn our lesson).  This process can take a long time, from several years to decades.  By the client refusing to hear the “same” information again, they are thwarting and stunting their own growth.  Think of how therapists work with their patients for extended periods of time on a single issue.  If it is karmic, one must be diligent in their pursuit of healing (actually knowing).  Especially if the psychic sees the person is still doing the exact same things that they have done in the past.

In this instance, it is so important to realize that helpful information and guidance needs to be repeated and reinforced for one’s own growth and higher good. This is never a waste of time, but rather a positive utilization of the time spent in consultations!  With each session, new pieces of the puzzle are put into place.  Then, we can begin to drill beyond the top of the ground and hopefully start to break through to the nest level — all that we feel.

The Emotions - Drilling deeper

Feelings are tricky, just like beginning to go below the surface of the ground we walk on when drilling for oil.  As you delve deeper, you may not always be able to see where you’re going.  You’re starting to make that inward journey to your feelings, with all of their intensity, duplicity, confusion and raw power.  When receiving a reading, a client’s emotions may want themselves to be shut down and close off.  Why?  Because if we stay shut down and close ourselves off, we won’t have to look at or change our current emotional frame of mind even though change is exactly what we need.  We can still feel the same, which is what we’re familiar with and used to, allowing us to stay quite comfortable and on familiar ground!   We must always listen and be open when receiving a reading.  This way, all that we need to heal our lives has an open channel to come through!

Often, clients hamper a reading by interrupting what is coming through from heavenly spirit.  As a psychic is beginning to explain what they’re receiving from spirit regarding a relationship situation, the client interrupts, “What about this work situation I have going on that I wanted to know about.  Tell me what’s going on there!”  This completely breaks the flow of the reading, as this type of interruption causes a reader to feel like they’re being jolted out of their seat while sitting calmly still.  In addition, it proves to be a great disservice for the client, as they then won’t receive the messages that were beginning to be offered to them in their session.  

A client’s emotions cannot be in the driver’s seat, or a reading becomes analogous to letting a wailing toddler get behind the wheel of the car and throw you, the adult in the passenger seat. “Jim, I have never felt so strongly about anything like this.  I know what I feel is true.  My feelings don’t lie,” a client proclaims!  Here, we see the emotions of the client trying to seize control of the reading and make the consultation exactly and only what their feelings allow it to be.  Here, the client insists that their emotions are to be validated as gospel truth.  However, when any of us are receiving a reading, what we feel about our situation may not be real!  Especially because our deepest and most complex feelings tie into the issues we confront when receiving a reading.  Our emotions are at often at odds with the actual spiritual truth our souls yearn to hear - the truth we need to listen to. That spiritual truth is always present in higher mind - the God mind that a reading channels information directly from!

As obvious as a question as this may sound, it needs to be asked: “If one already feels that they know the answers, then why call a reader?”  Some want to have their own emotions fed right back to them verbatim to validate what they currently feel to be true.  Others use readings to reinforce their already existing emotional point of view.  However, the real reason one should call for a reading is to receive divine guidance and insight from a higher source, designed to help us grow!  That growth will challenge many of the feelings we currently possess.  The key, though, is always to listen.

Listening is an art.  What does it mean and what does it take to truly listen?  It means to have an open mind and heart to allow the advisor to correctly do their job!  This means to listen to the information without prejudice; a preconceived belief system based on already existing emotions and attitudes.  It takes humility and an unassuming mindset to truly listen.  When receiving a reading, it is always better to not think we know, versus being obstinate and over confident.  By trying to have a childlike innocence and receptivity, we can really receive such a plethora of helpful guidance and insights in a consultation.

Defense mechanisms - Drilling through dense and difficult ground

Our defense mechanisms are our trusted bodyguards; our knights in white shining armor, there to protect us, defend us, keep us alive and never let anyone or anything ever harm or hurt us again!  If we’ve been hurt before in love, then our defenses won’t let anyone in, or if we partially let someone in, we’ll avoid intimacy and commitment.  Why?  Because the old energy of fearing that we could get hurt again is summoned to protect us.  It’s as obvious as putting your hand on the stove and it gets burned.  Why would you put it there again?  If we’ve been lied to, then our fears tell us to never trust what anyone says to us anymore, because we might be lied to again, right?  Before, we had a dream in our career, but we failed.  So now, our fears keep us from taking chances and avoid going for it again!  Armed with an arsenal of defenses, avoidances, fears, strategies to protect us, we are kept safe… by running away, throwing good people out of lives, to attacking anyone or anything that threatens this self protecting armor.

When we’re receiving a reading, our fears and defenses do absolutely factor into the session.  First, on a cosmic level, our fears and internal blocks must be gotten through, to heal ourselves and free our lives from the chains of these old derelicts.  The reader is being guided to help “drill” through tough and dense ground (as in working through stubborn and resistant old fears within the client).  In addition, the defense mechanisms of the person receiving the reading may motivate them to attack the reader, as in shooting the messenger.  These clients will try and find a way of making the psychic wrong, as a way of empowering and validating their defenses and fears.  In this way, proclaiming a reader as inaccurate allows one’s survival mechanisms to go unchallenged and remain in control!  It’s like someone telling a friend who is drinking too much at a club to not drive home intoxicated with the response being, “Leave me the hell alone! I’m just fine!”

In this instance, a client argues with the reader, which completely ruins the session on all levels.  Since the psychic process is quite delicate, it is like someone (the client) stomping and trampling through a lovely flower garden.  It is easily destroyed and the spiritual connection is broken.  Here, nothing is accomplished as the reader and the client both lose out.  The psychic loses out because they are not being allowed to do their job.  However, the client suffers even more, as their time and money is wasted and they are not in any better of a position in their lives from this type of action.

I remember picking up on a relationship situation for a woman filled with defensiveness and fear.  I saw her man’s first name initial, height, build and brown hair color; that the two of them had been back and for about a year as well as picking up his line of work, which was in banking.  The client confirmed that the information I was receiving was accurate — but then the problem happened.  I also felt that the relationship would end in about 6 months, partially due to another woman who was currently in his life.  Her defenses immediately became engaged and she said: “There is absolutely no way that what you’re saying could be right!  There is no other woman!  I know what he’s doing all of the time!  I know that he loves me!”  She then dismissed the reading, proclaimed how inaccurate and negative I was, turning all of her anger on me.  Here, she snapped into survival mode; the same survival you would feel if you were being choked to death.  In that instance, you would fight back with everything you have!

However, a reading is hardly a life-threatening situation!  There is really nothing to be guarded about.  As a session should simply be an open forum for predictions, guidance and insights to be shared, we need to work with this process.  If we aren’t open, we keep adding more bricks to the already existing brick wall of our defensive fears within us - those energies that prevents us from striking oil - from breaking through to our subconscious mind, which carries out faithfully whatever is inputted into it without questioning.  Once we’ve reprogrammed our subconscious mind, victory can be ours!

The Subconscious Mind - Striking Oil

So many clients express frustration in a reading because what they want has yet to come true: “I’ve been working on things for so long and nothing has changed!  I do my affirmations! I know what I want!  I am open to my dreams!  What’s wrong?  Just tell me when it’s going to finally happen?”  As I deeply empathize with their frustration, it’s important to note that the client is dealing with a long term, or life lesson - one that ties into their overall spiritual growth.  When receiving a reading in this instance, a psychic cannot answer a life lesson question with simple when and where answers.  It simply doesn’t work. 

Here, you might say that the above-mentioned person has been trying, so why haven’t things worked out for them yet?  It is because they haven’t yet “got it” emotionally yet; they haven’t broken through to the core - their subconscious mind.  It will take consistent and patient effort to work through the actual emotional energies, then through the difficult protective defense mechanisms, to finally reach and reprogram the subconscious mind!  Remember, whatever the subconscious mind holds, it carries out, without the ability to differentiate between right and wrong.  Once reprogrammed, it will carry our your commands - new and positive ones!

How do we know, then if what we’re asking about in a session is legitimately a life lesson?  If it is an issue that you’ve dealt with problematically for an extended period of time, something that compels you over and over again, or makes you want to run for the hills, it is probably a life lesson.  Sometimes, instead of working on the lesson, it’s easy for people to ask multiple psychics the same question in consultations:  “When is my money situation going to finally get better?  I’ve been struggling for so many years.”  Often, the same prediction of it getting better within a reasonable amount of time is offered, but then these predictions don’t pan out.  As alluded to above in this writing, we must work through our emotions, defense mechanisms and fears to finally manifest our dreams.  In short, we have yet to “get it” emotionally. One way of saying it is that “You’ll need to learn the lesson to strike oil,” which is the dream in question.

When having a reading, let whatever comes through from infinite spirit help guide you to reach your destination.  You already know it mentally; you’ve felt and acknowledged your feelings and now have been “drilling” through the old defenses to get there.  I remember a client asking me in a session, “How will I know if I really get it?”  What can I expect to happen?”  Once you really start to “get it,” there will be change in tangible terms.  To some noticeable degree, the change for the better will begin to manifest in physical terms - what we call reality!  For example, if money is the issue, once a real sense of prosperity has broken through to our core, the money situation will improve, at lease to some noticeable degree right then and there!

Often the final conclusion is about a deeper knowing - in your gut! The same way you’ve felt when you’ve made an absolute and positive decision - no one or nothing could stop you!  Whether it was to get your college degree or lose weight, you went for what was right!  And it worked!  Remember the times in your life when you couldn’t be stopped - in a positive and beneficial way to you and others!  Feel that passion, that desire and the sincere commitment to your dream… and then, let it all go! 

Don’t hold it back by holding on to it too tight!  Release it like you release a series of beautiful rainbow colored balloons into the sun filled spring sly!  Watch your dreams rise to the heavens, breathe a sigh of relief and know as much as you have ever known anything that it is going to all work out!  You no longer need to worry!  It is now completed fact in divine mind and real to us on earth.

Topic: Being open to higher guidance!
Goal: To be open to universal truth and cosmic consciousness, to aid us in manifesting a more highly evolved journey!

I am now open to the higher guidance the universe eternally offers me!

 Many people utilize psychics to specifically tell them that things are indeed going to change for the better.  Demanding names, physical descriptions, dates and locations, it’s as if all answers are to be written in stone.  These clients limit a reading to merely yes or no responses; the words “if,” “possibility” or “maybe” don’t exist.  By a client wanting a reader to look at their journey in completely black and white terms, no grey tones are ever acknowledged.  If a psychic doesn’t provide those types of validations, then they are viewed as inferior, negative, not accurate or simply wrong.  When a reader uses the word “if,” it is simply disregarded by these clients.  I have to say that as an advisor, these are the most frustrating types of consultations to give.  Why?  Because life is hardly ever made up of only black and white tones — yes or no answers. 

A reading is a mirror of the pathway that one is currently on and any consultation is based on that road.  Often that pathway needs to change for things to open up in the way the client wishes them to.  In short, it is the client themselves who must change to get what they want.  Since this is often tied into one’s karmic and spiritual lessons, the change is mandatory and not optional for one to manifest their heart’s desire.  The client must grow to get the prize, like studying to do well on an exam.  It is often as clear as the analogy of someone asking when they are going to lose weight as they continue to overeat.  Never forget that a person’s expectations of any reader cannot trump or override the eternal laws of the universe, as life is a series of choices, possibilities, forks in the road and lessons.  Below I would like to address how our need to change manifests in 5 different areas of our lives and what we can do the affect that change for the better.

Money

Money equals vision - the size of our vision.  Whether tiny or as big as the endless skies, how big is your financial vision?  In the Bible, it is stated, “I will give you all of the land that thou seeth.”  This statement applies to money.  You will receive the amount of money you can envision and see.  How much money do you envision?  What are your financial expectations and limitations?

If you expect to be broke, you will stay that way.  We all have heard people complain about being broke.  Some people state it everyday.  What they may not realize is that the more they say it, the stronger it is affirmed and therefore, it becomes a reality.  You might ask, “Doesn’t that seem cruel?  Shouldn’t God give them a break if they’re struggling financially?”  What is important to note is that our reality is largely architected and sculpted by us.  It would be the same thing as wondering why God doesn’t take the wheel of someone driving drunk and recklessly before they crash.  We are in the driver’s seat of our lives, literally and figuratively!  To improve our financial situation, we need to first change our choice of words, by no longer ever saying that we are broke, period.  That alone will change one’s financial situation immeasurably.  By no longer putting it into the power of the spoken word, a tremendous amount of negativity is alleviated from our financial reality, which only helps us monetarily!

Don’t wish for something, you might just get it!  I have heard many clients first ask when their finances are going to improve. Then they tell me that they just want enough money to get by.  I immediately ask them, “You mean to say that you want to be able to pay your bills and then have 20 bucks to go to McDonald’s afterwards?”   In that context, it is quite sobering to hear.  Right then and there, I’ve seen many people change their relationship to money in a heartbeat.  “Jim, I had no idea how I was limiting my wealth through saying such a thing,” one responds.  Let’s replace the initial “Just enough to get by” wish with this request: “I want enough money to be free of lack and limitation forever!”  That change will immediately put into motion prosperity and abundance for all of us!

“I wish someone would give me a financial gift, cause I don’t have enough money to give anything to anyone else,” a client states.  “When will someone do that for me?”  Here, the client has this statement flipped around.  In metaphysical terms, what we wish to receive is what we need to give to someone else.  That will open the door for a monetary blessing to come back to us!  In this instance, one change that would open up finances for this client is to practice tithing.  Giving 10% of one’s income away charitably is a great way to bring in financial abundance to us!  As the great spiritual master Florence Shinn herself said, “To start activity in one’s finances, begin tithing.”

Ask yourself, “Do I deserve to be wealthy?”  If your answer is “no,” or “not really,” then immediately being reinforcing that you do deserve to be wealthy!  If your response is “yes,” but money has not yet come to you, keep reinforcing that you are deserving of prosperity, every single day!  In this instance, it just means that there is still a part of you within that feels unworthy of money, based on low self worth.  It may perhaps be unconscious, but the barriers need to be completely broken through internally to open the floodgates of prosperity for you!

Career

Are you doing what you want, what you love and dream of, or is work just that necessary evil to pay the bills and put food on the table?  Most of us will spend at least one third of our lives working, so it is always best if we love our work, as then it becomes play.  In the simplest of terms, I always recommend for people to do what they love doing and the rest will come; as in the advancement, money, fulfillment and recognition.  Gratitude and appreciation must be at the core of what you’re doing, to really be successful in a substantial and long lasting way. 

However, what is the solution when we’re doing something we don’t like - or worse yet, something we hate, even detest?  What if we don’t know what we want; yet we still don’t like what our current career is?  This could lead people to simply say, “I just want to make a lot of money!  I don’t care what I have to do!”  That type of attitude doesn’t work.  It’s like someone saying that they’re going to start singing today to be rich and famous right away.  They wouldn’t get too far!  The first thing we need to do is to create change, both internally and externally to make our dreams come true.

If you dislike what you’re doing, but don’t really know what your divine calling is, I would recommend to start with this change:  1) - Call upon God’s divine guidance daily to reveal to you your divine career pathway and show you what your perfect career is.  This is important, as you’re surrendering the burden to infinite wisdom.  It may take a while, but sincerely ask for this guidance everyday!  Then, sit back and just wait for your answers.  Don’t look for them, as that can create false leads.  The correct opportunities will come when they’re supposed to as correctly timed by divine mind. 

2) - While you’re waiting for the answers, begin practicing gratitude everyday for the job you currently have.  This is a change I would strongly recommend.  You might question, “Even if I hate it?”  That is precisely why you should build gratitude - because you do hate it!  This way, you turn lemons into lemonade, so to speak.  By developing a positive attitude about whatever it is that you’re currently doing, you open the door to receive more blessings.  Why?  Because negative brings more negative and positive brings more positive.  Make that change by swinging into a better attitude to manifest new career blessings! 

3) - Be willing to take the right steps in physical terms: job interviews, searching all that is available, asking people for leads and knocking on doors!  In short, don’t let your dreams just sit there and turn into pipe dreams.  Turn these dreams into reality by putting yourself out there.  Don’t just do this impulsively or intermittently- do it consistently!  The universe loves the steady energy of us working every day to reach our goals!  This change will be quite powerful for you!  It’s OK if you experience multiple rejections!  Most multi millionaires have failed in business before hitting it big!  They didn’t give up and neither should any of us. Also, start researching ways to make money doing what you like to do!

4) - “I can’t wait any longer.  Nothing seems to be going anywhere in my career,” a frustrated client says.  It’s important to change our attitude in this instance and truly be patient.  Some times tried and true clichés make the point: Rome wasn’t built in a day!  With patience, it allows God’s split second timing to come into play.  Frequently, our timing is based on, “I want what I want right now,” like a child demanding a toy!  However, God’s clock may be different than ours because often, many factors are in play that we could never humanly comprehend or control.  Leave the day, month and year to a higher power!  Also, while you’re waiting for things to unfold, make the change to start giving it your all regarding whatever you’re doing right now.  The divine universe loves a person of positive enthusiasm and will reward you for such enthusiasm.

Ultimately, we shall find the career path which is our divine calling, utilizing our unique one of a kind gifts.  We should always appreciate how we are able to offer our special talents to others, as what we do must benefit, serve and help others.  This way, what we bring to this world through our work is a Godsend for all concerned!

Family & Friends

Friendships, like anything in our lives, need to be maintained.  We can never sit back and expect a friendship to just take care of itself.  If we do, sooner or later, things will go sour.  When we find ourselves being frustrated with our friendships, we must make the changes that are necessary to improve things with those we know, while at the same time, being open to new people who are good for us.

I’ve had many people ask me, “Jim, when am I going to meet some new friends?  I really feel alone in this world.”   Often, as I look at a person in this particular situation, it’s because in reality, they choose to be by themselves.  Even though they may feel lonely, they are comfortable in that aloneness.  Why?  Because they don’t have to give, take a chance of getting hurt again, or sacrifice for others.  In this instance the phrase “To have a friend, you must be willing to be a friend” rings so true.  Often, it’s past hurts and disappointments with others that shut us down.  It’s easy to close ourselves off and find a negative type of solace in being by ourselves; an unhealthy sense of comfort - but eventually it wears us down.  However, we must be willing to make the right changes:  we need to be sincerely open to meeting new people and commit to giving of ourselves to others.  This way, the right people have a doorway to enter into our lives and even if we encounter a few duds at first, good people will make their way into our lives through time.

Sometimes people get frustrated with the friendships they have.  They may feel that their needs and feelings are being ignored and not met.  Little by little, each disappointment builds until a crisis point is reached.  We can’t just bury what we feel and still expect to maintain a friendship in a healthy and reasonable way.  The cornerstone of changing this pattern is through communication. As every friendship has crossroads, crisis points and areas of conflict, we must learn to communicate our needs and address our concerns.  It is exactly in the way these areas are resolved that largely determines the success we will have together.  There is no guarantee as to how each individual person will react to hearing about our frustrations with the friendship we share with them. 

However, we must at least try, because if the person responds favorably, our friendship with them can improve.  Not only does the bond strengthen, but also as people, both parties grow through acknowledging each other and working through conflict together.

Acknowledging those in our lives and being acknowledged is quite powerful.  When any of us are acknowledged, we feel important, special, validated and worthy!  Part of that acknowledgement can be in the form of an apology!  Whatever hurt has occurred, a sincere “I’m sorry” from us or to us is a very healing gift!

In the instances when someone doesn’t receive our concerns openly, we see the limits of the friendship.  We can try and bring about change by voicing our needs and concerns, but it is impossible to force someone to be considerate and listen to us.  It can feel like we’re running into a brick wall, but then at least we know where we stand.  That let’s us determine if it’s worth it for us to: stay in the friendship, set partial limits and boundaries, or completely separate and move on in a different direction in our lives.

As the physical world and all of its affairs are ever evolving, sometimes people just grow apart.  “What happened?  How did we get here?”  Just like you might have had a great little playmate when you were 6 years old, now as a grown adult you no longer have anything in common with this person.  That is OK!  If they were meant to still be there, they would be.  Holding on to what once was, only holds us back!  In these instances, there is nothing that can be done, expect to bless whatever was once there, let it go and hopefully, both parties will move on to more fulfilling friendships.  This change of attitude frees us to enter the next chapters of our journey with new people.  We should always try to be cognizant of all we’ve learned; take the lesson and throw the rest away (meaning the emotions) and by all means, be grateful for all that has been shared!

Even though we pick our family members before we enter an incarnation, we may choose them for lessons other than living happily ever after in a “Leave It To Beaver” household.   Family relationships are often quite complex and it is seldom that anyone gets along famously with everyone in their family.  With these ties being karmic and tying into our past lives, we must realize that there are lessons to learn!  If we’re dissatisfied with members of our family, it is important to look at what changes we can make for the better. 

We can and should try to voice our concerns and needs to our various family members.  Especially since we will be family for this lifetime, countless episodes, experiences, consequences and results will occur between them and us.  Certainly how they respond to us will shape our relationship with them, sometimes in a subtle way, while other times dramatically.  We can only do the best we can and there is no rulebook as to how close or distant we should be with our family members.  These relationships are karmic and must be looked at on a case-by-case basis.  A good guideline, though, is to always try and live by the rule of treating yourself lovingly while treating them lovingly.  Respect is a two-way street!  However, sometimes our deep and intimate emotional needs are simply not able to be met by our family members.  In this instance, God will bring us those who do fulfill us and in that sense, anyone who loves, nurtures and cares for us fills the void left by unfulfilling family relationships!

What all members of a family need to learn will evolve in the same way the plot line of a film evolves - one scene at a time.  As the plot unfolds, it becomes clear what it is we’re here to learn together, our tasks, goals and multiple purposes!  With love as our guide, whatever is the higher purpose becomes the foundation of our varying and often complicated family ties.

Love

Most, if not all of us have been hurt or disappointed in love before.  Even though our pain seems unique to us, we have all been through it in one-way or another.  So many clients ask the million-dollar question, “When am I going to meet the one?”  Although phrased so simplistically, this question often has a very complex answer.  However, one word sums up the basis of the answer:  change!  It is often us who need to change to bring in the right partner.  These changes are not optional; they must be completed to manifest the relationship God has waiting for us. 

1) - Change your emotional expectations.  Based on what you’ve been through before, you do have internal expectations within.  They may be good or bad, even complex, but if you listen without prejudice, you’ll see what your true beliefs are.  If past hurts are not healed, there will be an expectation of disappointment again.  Since it’s what you know through your experience, it becomes what you believe your future holds in store for you.  This must change.  How do we make that happen?  First, we must acknowledge openly what we really feel!  Not just keep asking multiple psychics when “the one” is coming in, all to no avail!  As we acknowledge what we feel, we can replace the negative expectations with positive ones - that indeed our love lives do work out!

2) - Let go of negative lovers.  Negative lovers are poisonous - yes, we learn from them…yes, of course, everything in our lives is a learning experience.  God doesn’t condemn our choices and we have free will to do anything we want…but wait!!  Is the goal to simply experience, or to find happiness?  If the goal is indeed to find long lasting joy with another, we must release and let go of negative lovers.  With each negative lover, it’s like gaining weight.  It you gain 5-10 pounds, losing it is quite doable.  However, if you gained 50-100 pounds over many years, it becomes a serious crisis.  The same destructive effects happen to us through multiple toxic relationships. We become angry, bitter, closed, cynical, self destructive, guilty and caught in a cycle of much heartache.  The sooner harmful unions are let go of for good, the less work, time and healing that has to occur by us to effectively make that change and meet our divine partner!

3) - Open your heart.  Most people I read for who are yet to be in a successful relationship truly believe that they are open - open to love - open to commitment.  They will even argue and defend their position.  “I am absolutely open to love!  I just haven’s met the right person yet, so when are they coming in?”  However, in reality, many are not open to love at all.  It is a smokescreen.  The fears within (based on unresolved past pain) create a protective wall, a wall designed to keep love away!  The former disappointments cause us to go into survival mode, which means that from a knee jerk perspective: love=hurt.  Therefore, love must be blocked from coming in because it will wound us.  A person in this instance either attracts no one, or people who are not really open and never offer a commitment in return. 

This change I’m about to mention is perhaps the most important of all!  Everyday, work on releasing, forgiving, blessing and letting go of all past lovers where negativity and pain have been incurred!  Then, work toward pronouncing out loud everyday that you are open to love and commitment with your perfect divine life partner!  This may take time, as one would be working through a great deal of baggage and a wall with a lot of bricks that built it!  However, don’t give up, as reaching an openness to love from within is the greatest key to bringing in someone wonderful! 

Don’t magnify obstacles!  That’s exactly what your defense mechanisms want because then you can’t get hurt again:  “There’s no one good out there” - “Good lovers are hard to find once you’re older than 21″ - “Where can I meet anyone good anyway?”  “It’s been such a long time!”  But you’re not looking for a lot of lovers!  You’re only looking for the one person who is right for you!  Do not lose sight of the fact that the right person is indeed out there.  But we must unlock the door that we have padlocked (even if we don’t consciously acknowledge or know it) for so long.  That is the change needed to literally change everything! Of course, consider opportunities to meet people as they present themselves.  If you’re looking to pro actively connect with new people, always remember to not get pulled into something negative for you.  The red flags will be there!  As you pass on lovers who are not right, you allow God to have an open door to walk through with the partner who is truly for your highest good!

Health & well-being

If you’ve read my former writings, I’m sure you would have noticed that I put a great deal of emphasis on what comes out of our mouths.  Here, though, I would like to shift that focus to all that we put into our mouths!  Of course, we’ve established that what comes out of our mouths in terms of our words, does change reality - literally.  But what about all that we ingest?  It also changes reality; in ways we may take for granted.  “You are what you eat” is an old mainstay, but how true it is!  I’ve had many clients voice concerns about their health, while at the same time not taking into account all that they take in. 

What is food really for?  Is if comfort when we’re depressed; eating a box of chocolates to ease our frustrations?  Is it there for indulgence; super size, bigger, more..?  Or is it simply there for keep our bodies alive and well?  Like a car needs gasoline, we as physical beings need food for fuel!  Of course we can enjoy at the same time, but our first and foremost concern should be eating healthy and reasonably!  Just like you wouldn’t put dirty or contaminate gas in a car, why would you poison wondrous body!  Many of us diet, than gain the weight back - only to diet again.  Besides the emotional frustration we incur, this roller coaster ride does not promote overall health and well being.  So what do we do then?

We often say that we need to go on a diet.  It sounds like doing some prison time.  But diets come and go.  We must change our relationship to food and change our eating habits and become friends with foods that are nutritious and good for us!  By changing our relationship to what and how much we eat, we being to promote a healthy body!  After we’ve redesigned our eating habits, in addition, we need to emotionally come to terms with what motivated us to eat the way we had in the first place!  Once we alleviate the actual behavior, we should then get to the root cause of why we did so in the first place, as sometimes we just don’t know why.  

Along with our dietary change, exercise is a Godsend.  Whenever God gives us something, there is a reason for it - a profound purpose.  Just like a bee has a stinger and the roots of trees grow deeper in the ground, our bodies serve a functional purpose.  Whether it’s our eyes to see, ears to hear or our legs to walk, we should never take our God given body for granted.  Exercise gives a body respect, pride, health and well-being!  Try not to get so lost in your head - and think that dwelling on the physical is somehow unevolved!  We are in the physical plane! 

Regarding alcohol, cigarettes and recreational drugs, I would recommend for anyone to try understanding why they’re involved in these various habits.  Coming to terms with the reasons why we get into certain habits, helps us to gain clarity, insight and allows ourselves to make new lifestyle choices!  Just like food, though, even if you decide to physically lessen or stop a practice, you must get to the psychological and emotional core of what motivated this behavior.  It is never just a random choice, like driving down highway 1 or 2.   It reflects on who we are, our issues and what we need to heal to achieve the overall health we divinely deserve!  Keep in mind to look at yourself lovingly and without judgment, as you’ll be working through delicate internal issues.

Besides our physical habits, health and well being are completely interwoven into our emotions.  As the great spiritual teacher Florence Shinn said, “For every disease, there is an emotional correspondence.”  We never get sick at random.  For every effect, there is a cause.  Here, we are the cause, helping to create our own illnesses and our internal states of being, even if we don’t realize it.  I’ve seen countless numbers of clients manifest serious illness through not healing their emotional natures and indulging in negative thinking.  The body is the canvas and our emotions and thoughts are the colors and pictures we paint.  Even “rational” doctors today acknowledge that emotions do indeed play a part in our overall health and well being.  In the most obvious sense, serious stress in our daily lives raises blood pressure, for example. 

I remember a female client who made negative choices for a 13 year period where I was reading for her. Back then, she started dating a very uncaring much younger man who took advantage of her financially and cheated on her.  At the time I warned her to get rid of him, as I felt this relationship would have long lasting negative consequences for her.  Unfortunately, she didn’t listen to this warning…It hit me that it would damage her self esteem and for the 2-3 years they “dated,” the damage was done.  His negative and disregarding treatment of her caused to her to really start feeling bad about herself and “not good enough” as a woman.  That led to consistent lower self worth, which began affecting her work and income.  As she was self employed, she started attracting clients who treated her disrespectfully (a mirror of how the above mentioned man treated her) and her income started going downhill.  As this cycle continued over the years (because the original problem was never healed), her income started dramatically plummeting.  This caused her to get seriously stressed. With that stress and the accumulative effect of all of this pain, she couldn’t manifest new and positive clients very well, or any real money as she was in a negative internal state.  All of the combinations of these stresses ultimately lead her to getting seriously ill about a year ago, to the point where she feared dying.  Here, we see how the body is the recipient of emotional choices and from my point of view, all of this suffering could have been prevented, by making positive emotional choices.

It is good to affirm heath and well being everyday, as without our health, what do we really have?  I remember a movie scene were a very rich aging mobster says that he’d give a couple of million dollars just to be able to feel OK for a while.  Here is a great affirmation:  “I am in a constant and perpetual state of complete heath and well being in all parts of me!  I thank God for every blessing I have!”

In addition, we must heal whatever is the root cause of illnesses or any other lack of well being!  Often, the cause doesn’t seem to be related to what our body is experiencing.  For example:  I remember someone experiencing serious indigestion!  I felt that this was due to not appreciating what they had and repeatedly complaining about their life!  That complaining created the indigestion being experienced.  When this person started affirming gratitude for their life and stopped the complaining, the indigestion went away!  What I’m mentioning here are wonderful tools to aid in healing, without any side effects!

As love is the perfect healer of everything and all, we must become a complete circle!  When we love ourselves, love everyone, cherish everything and pronounce gratitude every single day, we have given ourselves the greatest gift of healing imaginable!  For every choice based on love, we contribute to our overall heath and well being!  When we choose fear, resentment, self pity, rage, resentment or any negative emotion; it is like putting repeated doses of poison in our bodies - literally!  We can’t afford to hate anyone or anything, even if it just for the sake of our bodies!  Make unconditional love your foundation, your calling card and best friend and the world with all of its wondrous dreams will be yours! 

Believe me, I know, that changing yourself is the hardest thing that you will ever do!

You already have the tools you need and the lessons are right there in front of you!

If you can take the first steps to change yourself, you can create what you dream of in your life!  Remember, you do have the power! 

Topic: Changing our lives for the better!
Goal: To make the changes in our lives that facilitate things getting better and improving immeasurably!

I now make choices that bring about positive change in all areas of my life!

People are exactly who they are

When we look at the various people in our lives, do we ask ourselves, “Who are they,” or do we pose the question, “Are they who we want them to be?”  Whether it’s our lovers, children, siblings, friends, neighbors, co-workers or anyone for that matter, what are we expecting from others?  Beyond that, what do we have the right to expect - from anyone in our lives?  Below, I attempt to address the opposing conflicts of people being who they are, versus who we want them to be.

First impressions don’t lie

Whether we are aware of our intuition consciously or not, when we first meet someone, we get a gut feeling about them.  It is not conscious or thought out!  It is instantaneous.  What we feel about someone may not make sense at the time, but it is always right.  Our intuition speaks to us with a truth far beyond what outer appearance say about a person. “When I met him, I couldn’t stand him,” a woman recalls.  “But then later, I fell in love with him.  I thought he would change for the better, but he never did.  He turned out to be every bit as bad as I first felt he would be the day when I met him.”  But what happens when we don’t listen to our first impressions?

In the 1960’s there was song by Al Wilson called “The Snake.”  The basic plot line of the song was that a woman found this half frozen snake and took it home to warm it up, nurture it and try to love it.  After stroking its skin and giving it a kiss, the snake returns the favor with a vicious poisonous bite.  The woman is terribly upset, yet the response of the snake is cynical; however truthful:  “You knew I was a snake when you took me in.  What did you expect?”

This story clearly illustrates “the snake” is following and living up to its true nature; it is being who it is.  What was the problem, then?  It was the woman’s expectations: wanting “the snake” to behave in a certain way and expecting it to be grateful to her because she saved it.

There are three pertinent issues here: 1) - Our inability to see people for who and what they really are.  2) - Our expectations that people will treat us in the way we feel we deserve to be treated.  3) - Our expectations that people should treat us in a certain way based on what we’ve done for them or our feelings for them.

See people for who and what they are

If someone looked at a trailer, closed their eyes and asked themselves if it was someday going to become a big beautiful mansion, what would the rational response be?  “Well of course not.  It is just a trailer and will never be a mansion,” would be the obvious answer.  The same thing can be said regarding people.  When you look at a person, you can ask, wish, hope and pray that they are going to be someone or something that fits your needs and wants - but is this really true?

When looking at anybody, you must look beyond your own emotional expectations.  This may seem difficult to do, but it is not if you keep one thing in mind; simply look at the facts.  What does this person say to you?  What do they do?  How are they behaving toward you?  Don’t base your perception of the person in question on your personal needs being fulfilled.  Just look at reality.  A person who never contacts you is not trying to build a connection with you.  Someone who won’t return your phone calls is not developing communication with you.  Someone who ignores you when you pass them by is not really open to a relationship with you.  

Also, don’t romanticize what this person may have been through in the past.  Often, we fantasize that someone has been severely wounded or hurt, as a way of giving them multiple excuses for their behavior regarding us.  It’s as if their negative behavior toward us becomes explainable and excusable if they’ve been “hurt before.”  In my experience as a reader, almost all of the times when I’ve seen someone make excuses for another; it is false and has little or no basis in reality.  As sobering and emotionally frustrating as it may be, the facts speak volumes and shouldn’t be ignored!

Don’t be surprised by someone being themselves

Often we seem to be surprised by someone behaving in the way that they do.  Appearing startled, it’s as if we pretend that we didn’t see it coming.  “Why did my sister treat me this way again, always ignoring me and not returning my phone calls,” a brother questions?  However, is there really anything to be dumbfounded about here?  For most of his life, his sister has ignored him over and over again.  It would be as if every time you ate a certain food, it made you nauseous, but each time it was eaten, you would seem shocked by this occurrence.

Like the old phrase, “a leopard doesn’t change its spots,” his sister has demonstrated the same patterns continually!  So why is her brother surprised, then?  Because he is holding onto the hope that his sister is indeed going to change.  With that hope as the basis of his perception of her, reality becomes like a splash of ice-cold water in the face upon waking.  Since he wants his sister to treat him well so badly, he is willing to exchange hope for reality.  This sets him up to feel like he was blindsided by a truck while calmly driving down the highway.  It’s not that he didn’t see it coming; he chose to not see it coming; therefore, each time that he is disregarded, he goes through the same painful reaction, like scratching an old wound open once again.

If every time you drove down a street full of potholes, your car hit them and damaged the alignment, would you keep driving down the same street?  Illustrated in this way, it almost seems silly to repeat the same choice; but it is indeed the same scenario to set up this predictable emotional hurt again and again.  Instead, if he decided to acknowledge who she is and adjust his expectations accordingly, it sets him up to be much less vulnerable to her negative treatment.  This frees him to first feel better about himself by not allowing her to keep repeatedly victimizing him. 

We can pick our friends, but we obviously can’t pick our family.  Family relationships can be complex, frustrating and are often karmic.  While there are no easy guidelines, I think it’s important to keep certain things in mind: First, you can try to let your family know your needs and see if they are responsive to them.  If they are not open to or considerate of your needs then one has to decide how much to keep the door open.  One can minimalize various family members, but because it is family, it should be decided carefully and on a case by case basis.  In rare instances, ties may need to be dramatically reduced based on issues that simply don’t get resolved.  Always keep in mind, though, that they are simply being who they are, not who we want them to be.

Don’t expect them to change based on your love of them

Love is unconditional.  Real love is without expectation.  Pure love is the highest form of acceptance imaginable!  However, the kind of “love” we’re referring to in this writing, for lack of a better term, can be called “self interest love.”  With “self interest love,” it is that sense of getting what we want.  Unless our desires are fulfilled, we experience the downward spiral of disappointment that first started with fantasy and hope.  Once we realize that he or she isn’t really ever going to change based on our feelings for them, it can be devastating.

“If I continue to love him, I believe that someday he will love me in return,” a woman firmly states.  Here we see how our own emotional expectations define what we believe to actually be truthful about the outcome of a relationship situation.  For any of us who are not involved in those emotions at the time, we could comment on how inaccurate her statement appears to be.  It’s as if she has decided that this is the way it is - end of story.  It’s all based on believing that her love is going to work the miracle: change him, draw him to her and cause him to ultimately love her. 

One could counter with the question, “Why should she love him if he won’t ever love her back?”   Let’s take the question further: Why does anyone love anyone if it won’t ever work out?  First, when we do emotionally commit to someone, we never know the outcome.  However, there is a big difference between hoping someone will love us in return, versus expecting them to do so!  The woman mentioned above has created an expectation sort of like the sureness that most of us have that the sun shall rise in the morning.  Well of course it probably will, but we should refrain from having that same sureness regarding another person giving us what we want, all based on what we feel for them! 

Who loves someone and holds onto those feelings all the while believing that nothing is really ever going to work out anyway?  That would be ridiculous!  That’s like saying I’ll invest in the stock market, knowing I’m going to lose everything I have!  However, hope (within reason) is certainly much more applicable here.  With hope, though, we must also be grounded in reality.  Hope cannot take the place of the facts and the truth of what the other person is doing or not doing regarding us.

However, when our love of another has expectation attached to the belief of changing someone else, it becomes dangerous.  We somehow become justified in our feelings, as if somehow we deserve their love in return.  “I have put a lot into this relationship; therefore I deserve something in return,” a person demands!  This leads to resentment, rage and a possible explosion in our lives.  It’s as if we’re waiting for the birthday present we expected that never comes!

From a higher perspective, try to not base loving someone on changing them, as it doesn’t work that way.  God made us with free will, autonomy and sovereignty.  We are not designed to change based on another’s affection for us.  That is an individual decision, whether it’s emotionally pleasing to us or not!  Rise above that terrible entanglement of the emotions and disappointments that come with the following self-defeating formula:  Love + patience = change of the other person = them loving me in return!

The rescuer expectation

The story of “the snake” given above illustrates an example that gets played out constantly, where a person believes “the snake,” or negative individual involved won’t really end up hurting them.  You might ask, “How could anyone be so blind?”  Because our ego gets involved and the ego wants what it wants!  I believe I’m going to win!  Somehow I will get them to love me, and I will win the battle.  When I do, I’ll feel like a superwoman or a superman!  If a person in this position can get “the snake” to love them, it’s as if they have played the role of God!  In reality, we never love a person like this is spite of their bad qualities; we love them because of their bad qualities!  The badness provides that ultimate challenge and with that challenge, it makes the supposed victory seem so much sweeter.  If you were a boxer, would you feel pumped up knocking out a tiny little 90-pound weakling, or would you need to defeat the heavyweight champion of the world to feel victorious?  Besides feeling merely victorious, the ego projects the essence of being in control through trying to conquer as well.

In these instances, the ego masquerades as being nurturing, caring, kind and even compassionate.  “I have been put in this person’s life to help him heal,” becomes a lofty rationalization.  The illusion of a higher destiny comes into play.  This is merely a smokescreen to hide the true motives behind such actions.  The real motive is that the person wants “the snake” to love them - plain and simple.  And that’s not a bad thing - it just isn’t a higher, compassionate and selfless form of action.  However, with the guise of compassion, one looks admirable in their self-destructive pursuit of people who are like “the snake.” 

Perhaps the root cause of this entire scenario is that the rescuer is trying to actually rescue themselves.  They are attempting to heal their own low self worth through being loved by the other person who is emotionally unattainable (the snake).  It’s as if the validation through being loved is the magic wand that cures everything.  Therefore, “the snake” is given a power over them (in their own mind) equivalent to God Almighty!

But do we ever win this contest?  Depending on the stubbornness and size of our egos, we keep hitting our head against the wall.  Sooner or later, we either get humbled and truly walk away from dangerous relationships, or we keep repeating the same pattern.  At some point, though, we will all get tired of the snakebite, so to speak, and move forward to meet people who truly nurture and care for us!  In this way, we do finally win!

Don’t take it personally

“Judy did it to me again!  Every day I come into work she says something rude and offensive to me.  I’m sick of it,” John exclaims!  Most of us would sympathize with John as no one wants to be addressed in that way.  He took is personally, as most of us would, too.  After all, it was done to him, so why shouldn’t he take it personally?

In reality, though, a person’s behavior toward us has very little to do with who we are, even though what they are doing is being done to us.  It says far more about them than it ever could indicate about ourselves!  Actions are a mirror; a mirror of all that is inside of someone who performs the actions.  We, as individuals merely reflect back to others their own personal inner mirror!  When people attack us, they are in conflict within!  When someone judges us, they are showcasing their internal criticism of themselves.  When someone refuses to acknowledge us, it is a reflection of how they dismiss their own value! 

If that is true, you might say, what can be done then to not take it all so personally?  First, try to gain a perspective that is observational, not reactive.  This way, your emotions, anger and ego are not engaged.  And when you are not drawn in, the treatment of you, however good or bad it is, deflects right off of you and returns to its native nothingness!

Just like when John encounters Judy at work as mentioned above, her actions are about her.  John comes into work, pleasant and friendly, but Judy is mean, slams the door behind her and says something rude.  If you think of it, what did John have to do with this anyway?  Nothing at all…  John’s emotional reaction causes him to initially think that Judy doesn’t do this to anyone else…but that is not true.

Judy has a reputation of being cold, mean, abrupt and terse to virtually everyone.  It just depends on her mood.  It isn’t based on what other people have done or didn’t do to her.  It is built on her ego, arrogance and selfishness.  As her moods overtake the proceedings, she dominates the ambience and the room!  This is all about control!

Remember, when a person conducts themselves in a certain way, it reflects on their level of understanding; their level of consciousness.  Anyone always behaves at their current level of understanding that they possess on a spiritual level.  This way, if you really stop and think about it, it is not about you - it never really is.  With that sense of knowing, it is freeing and liberating to not take it all so personally any longer!

Release the battle and change yourself instead

When it’s all said and done, with all of the energy we put into trying to change people, just think of how much more productive it would be to change ourselves instead?  Don’t worry about carrying the burden of a particular person treating you in a certain way!  Just work on yourself and your reactions to others!  There is an old saying that states that you can’t control other people’s actions, but can control how you react to those actions!  This way, we avoid the obvious frustration of trying to make someone into what we want them to be, therefore, always coming up short.  By releasing the burden and changing ourselves for the better, we become a magnet for new and wonderful people to love us in return — naturally and organically.  Simply by letting go and accepting people for who they are, we set ourselves free!  By doing so, we begin to appreciate ourselves even more and we will magnetize to those who can give something wonderful back to us!  That is the law of the universe - the law of attraction - like attracts like!

In addition, getting off of the roller coaster ride of needing to change people gives us more energy as we’re not drained by that constant push and pull of those types of relationships.  When someone doesn’t change as we have architected them to do, we feel frustrated, anxious, and ultimately as if we have failed!  But this is an unwinnable war!  Sooner or later, we have to throw in the towel…Throwing in the towel is not a defeat, but a victory which allows us the great gift of positive change!  We’re no longer defining our self worth by setting up impossible odds! 

With improved self-esteem, all areas of our lives benefit: health, finance, general well-being and far better relationships will absolutely be ours!  With an improved attitude through releasing the burden and internal change, it is far more likely that all that comes to us will be for our highest good!  It isn’t just the case of letting go of something we want to get nothing in return - period.  By letting go of the battles that can’t be won, we benefit in countless ways endlessly and eternally, bringing to us those who are truly right for us as we are for them!