In Part 1 of this writing, I will attempt to shed light on when and why self help doesn’t work. So many of us have tried to improve our lives for so long, and still end up coming short. But there are reasons why…
In recent decades, self-help, spirituality, therapy, and inner healing have all become tools for transformation that an increasing number of people have utilized. As we look at where things are at now, we often forget how it used to be. Fifty to sixty years ago, most people did not do creative visualizations or go to see a therapist. A person who went to a therapist was considered, more or less, to be “crazy.” With that stigmatization, many people denied themselves the help they may have desperately needed, and just hobbled through life, often in a destructive downward spiral. However, nowadays, it is commonplace for people to go to see a psychologist or psychiatrist; in fact, there hardly seems to be any stigmatization whatsoever regarding being in therapy any more. It is even often seen as admirable: “Look at him, he’s trying to heal his issues,” many would say about a man in counseling.
Meditation, self help books and seminars, new age philosophy and workshops, all designed to help you become a better you, have now become a huge worldwide industry. Once considered a fringe or “out there” kind of a thing decade’s prior, these tools for transformation are now regarded as a “normal” part of our society. People often try everything: from yoga to meditation, reading multiple self-help books, therapy, affirmations, visualizations, to attending seminars.
But why is it then, that so many people find themselves coming up utterly short and still being terribly frustrated after working so long and hard on themselves? Why are their lives not functioning or working anywhere near the degree that they want them do – even after years or decades of working on “getting there?” Why doesn’t self help work for them?
The main reason why most people who work on self improvement don’t manifest the life they want, is that while they’re attempting to manifest the positive, they simultaneously refuse to face, deal with and heal the negative. I am referring here to their own negativity, which comes from within. If this negativity is not faced head on, addressed and healed, the attempts at manifesting a positive life will prove to produce little or no results. Working on the positive does not in and of itself replace the negative, as these issues must be directly healed, if one really wants to manifest a better journey.
It would be like having cancer, and working on producing beautiful and smooth skin. What would improving your skin have to do with healing the cancer within? Even worse, by ignoring it, the cancer will most certainly spread. Think of it like the old Biblical concept: A house built on sinking sand will never last. If the foundation within us is negative, whatever we try and build on it (in this instance, a positive life), will certainly sink.
In the short of it, we must face and heal our own worst qualities, which cripple ourselves, others, and prevent us from manifesting our dreams. Keep in mind that I am not referring here to egregious crimes that certain people commit. Hardly any of us engage in such crimes as: Assault, murder, child molestation, and armed robbery. Statistically, most of us will never be arrested.
I’m speaking of the negativity that starts within us which affects all aspects of our journey both internally and externally – our relationship to ourselves, and how we treat others. And yes, it is quite ugly, even though these qualities are usually socially acceptable – or at the very least, tolerated in society. Keep in mind that all of these qualities help to prevent us from growing spiritually and reaching our dreams. Each one of these examples illustrated below, will hinder us from self-improvement. Here, I would like to further define and illustrate the negativity I’ve been touching on above:
I’m a good person no matter how poorly I treat others – This is perhaps the most fundamental and common problem that prevents people from manifesting the self-improvement they’re working toward. When we do negative things to others, we should not add the word “but” after it. The word “but” negates, excuses or justifies the bad act. However, this type of pardon when we use the “but” word, is extremely commonplace. Ask yourself, “How many people simply state that they are a bad person — period?” Hardly anybody. Many of us want to do whatever it is that we want to do, with little or no regard for how it affects others, yet still at the end of the day, hold onto the thought of “But I’m a good person.”
“I know I hurt him when I didn’t pay him back the money I borrowed, but I’m a good person,” a woman says regarding a male friend she just financially exploited. “My finances have been really tight, and he has enough money anyway,” she further rationalizes. Here, we see how this woman is trying do exactly what she wants to do with no regard for the other person she is hurting, yet still conclude with the concept that she is still a good person when it’s all said and done.
This woman also would not take his calls regarding him getting his money back, refused to explain her financial situation to him, or to give him the chance to understand where she was coming from. If she would have put the energy into trying to somehow work things out with him; even asking for a time extension, requesting to pay him back in smaller increments, or just telling him what her problems were, the situation may have been able to be resolved positively. Instead, she uses her energy to proclaim that she is a good person, which is simply a way of her needing to make herself feel OK for what she’s done, when she could have tried to fix this issue between herself and her male friend.
Lying, manipulation, and deception – Often, we create an excuse or rationalization as to why we would lie, manipulate and deceive. Most of us who are working on self-improvement, would not feel OK just doing such things without qualifying it in our own minds. Yet qualifying it prevents us from facing and healing it.
“I had to lie to my boss, as I might have gotten fired if he knew I that I kept using company time for my own private project,” a company employee says. This man may think he got away with it, but this type of lie creates negative karma. Why? Because whenever we take away another person’s ability to make a choice, we indeed create negative karma. Here, this employee is not giving his boss the chance to make HIS choice – whether to accept his actions, reprimand him, or terminate his employment. This sort of action may seem benign, as if, who would ever know? However, just because one isn’t caught, doesn’t mean that their action doesn’t affect their journey. This choice of lying to his boss helps to keep this company employee in an insincere and deceptive vibration, which doesn’t lend itself to spiritual growth.
Cheating on our partners – With cheating being done behind the back of our partner, he or she is not only denied their ability to make a choice, but their well being, and physical health (regarding sexually transmitted diseases) is completely disregarded and put at serious risk.
“I told my husband that I needed to go to the west coast to deal with a family matter. But I’m actually going to meet a man I’ve been corresponding with over the Internet and have sex with him. I don’t mean to hurt my husband, but I’m so bored in my marriage, and just need a little excitement,” a bored housewive explains.
Here, by this wife cheating on her husband, she creates negative karma. She is denying her husband his ability to make a choice, deceiving him and also putting him at risk. If she told him what she was really going to the west coast for, he might possibly accept such a choice, try and work on saving the marriage, or request a divorce. But through being cheated on, he is having the wool pulled over his eyes, so to speak, and is denied his divine right to make his choice. This action brings down the vibration of the wife who is doing it, and therefore, makes it harder for her to enlighten herself through self-help techniques, while engaging in such activity.
Using others for our own selfish gain – When we see someone else as a vehicle to benefit us (at the other person’s sole expense with no regard for their well being), it is an act that holds us hostage to a negative internal vibration, which holds us back from legitimate growth.
“This person had some information I needed for a new career project I want to launch, so I took her to lunch several times and played the game like I was interested in her as a person. I wasn’t really interested in her as a friend, so much, but just wanted to pick her brain and get the info I needed,” a male entrepreneur confesses.
This entire act and motive displays the germ of its defeat in its inception. With no regard for the other person, it creates a negative energy. Here, it is not a question of whether he got what he wanted or not. He did get what he wanted, and fooled the other person in the process. Yet his motivation was faulty from the beginning. As so many of us base our perception of our actions on the fact of whether we get what we want or not, our actions become OK (in our own minds) if we can get what we want in the end. We’ll find a way to make ourselves feel OK, as we know inside that what we did was wrong, but still, insist on feeling good about it! This is a rationalization that still allows us to have our way, but still excuses the fact that we hurt another in the process. However, actions that harm or exploit others are never beneficial to actual self-improvement, and are not neutralized or negated by creative visualizations or positive affirmations.
Selfishness masquerading as altruism – Many people pretend that they’re acting out of selflessness and for the good of others, when in actuality, they have a self-centered and selfish agenda all along.
I knew a man who would always go out of his way to help people, supposedly because he cared for people and the human race. He claimed his motives were completely altruistic and of a humanitarian nature. However, as I got to know him better, I observed something about him every time he did something for another. He always was looking for something in return. He either wanted to be approved of and told how wonderful he was, have these people be indebted toward him so they owed him (which put him in the position of power), or he wanted a definite favor in return. Yet he would always try and present himself as the person who was just a do-gooder for others, as if his actions were coming from a higher place of consciousness. The disingenuousness of his actions held him back from really growing in the way he claimed he wanted to, as these choices were of self-interest and not the self-delusional premise of humanitarianism he presented them to be. If he simply learns to help others with no basis of self-interest, he will evolve as a person.
Meanness justified through victimization – There are those who excuse their own mean acts toward others, based on supposed or past hurts that are not related to the current situation at all.
“Hey, I don’t mean to treat you so terribly, but I’m still not over my last relationship,” a woman says to her new boyfriend. This woman is choosing to make her new boyfriend pay the price for what supposedly happened to her before. This new man really does care for her, and is trying his very best to please her. However, she keeps treating him badly, ostensibly because she was hurt before. This type of treatment of him keeps both parties in a state of arrested development. Through punishing him, she perpetuates and reinforces the negative vibration she has been in for quite some time herself. By proclaiming herself to be the victim, this game can keep going, potentially indefinitely. Even if this man sees through her game, she can maybe find other men who would at least initially buy into her as the victim. The reason it is a game is because this woman is doing absolutely nothing to try and heal her “issues” from the past. She admits what she’s doing, yet keeps doing it anyway.
On top of it, it was eventually discovered that she was not representing her “victimization” accurately or correctly at all. She had twisted the story of her past to make herself out to be a victim. Therefore, she can illicit false sympathy, which she can get, as men who have been attracted to her buy into her as the victim – after all, a victim supposedly just needs a little TLC and patience for everything to work out. (There is something quite romantic about saving a wounded person through your love.)
So initially, she is seen as a sympathetic character, which reinforces to a man that he can feel comfortable in moving forward with the relationship. This woman is not working on healing her issues, which prevents her from internal growth and improvement, as her actions are based on a sort of a character she’s created to manipulate and punish men she’s involved with. She needs to let this sensibility go to stop the repetitive, old and destructive patterns.
Interrupting and not listening to others we’ve wronged – Interrupting is clearly a way of shutting people out and not listening. In addition, when we refuse to listen to those who we’ve wronged, we add insult to injury.
I knew a woman who interrupted constantly. In fact, one couldn’t complete a sentence without her cutting them off, changing the subject, or simply talking over them. After a while, it became apparent that this woman wasn’t interested in really hearing anything anyone else was saying to her. It was always about her – her proving her point, her being right and not really blending with anyone else. How could this person begin to really improve herself, when she can’t even listen to another person’s opinion?
Worse that that, though, is that when she wronged someone, she would refuse to listen to them when they needed to express their hurt to her. I remember a male friend of hers sent a letter to her as to why he wanted to end their friendship, detailing the many hurts that she had inflicted on him. Instead of listening and trying to understand, she fired back counter attacks and took absolutely no responsibility for her actions. This man needed to be heard, which could have saved, or at least partially saved the friendship. However, her refusal to even acknowledge what she had done terminated the bond.
Ego gets in the way – Most of us don’t like to be told or feel that we’re wrong. Often, when we’ve hurt others, our ego and defense mechanisms don’t want to take responsibility for our actions. Therefore, we turn it back around on the person or persons we’ve hurt, which creates even more negative karma that the original negative act we did.
“My friend told me that I was the one who was inconsiderate for not showing up for the plans we made,” a man says. “I had to remind her of the times that I didn’t like the way that she handled certain situations, and also, how I had something come up and completely forgot our plans. Why should I apologize to her?”
In this instance, this man’s ego is in the way. Instead of putting himself in the place of his friend, who was sincerely upset and hurt that the plans they mutually agree to weren’t followed through on by him, he turned it around on her. Citing erroneous examples of what she did before, and rationalizing why he didn’t show up, allows his ego to win and be victorious. When this happen, we further dig ourselves deeper into a negative spiritual vibration.
This type of thing could be turned around even further yet, so that this man pretends that he has to forgive her for her “overreaction,” and even performs a bogus forgiveness meditation. The appropriate thing to have done, would have simply been for him to apologize and make it up to her. With that apology, he would grow, she would feel better and the vibration within him and her is elevated and lifted higher.
Holding anyone in a mental place of anger, resentment, and punishment – To spiritually evolve and improve our lives, we must hold everyone, especially those who we feel have hurt us in a place of absolute forgiveness and unconditional love.
“I hate my mother,” a young woman flatly states. “She allowed my father to abuse me when I was a child, and did absolutely nothing to protect me. I wish she would die and rot in hell. Whenever I think of her, I wish that she would go through exactly what I’ve been through.” Here, this hatred will poison this young woman, and bring her life down immeasurably. And like with most of us who feel this way, something really did happen. Hardly anyone makes it up, or fantasizes something like this.
But the way the universe is set up, is that whatever we wish upon others, will come back to us. There isn’t an exemption clause to this universal law that states that it is Ok to wish bad upon those who have legitimately caused us pain. This law applies across the board. For this young woman, this is her issue that needs to be healed. Meditating more, for example, won’t heal this problem, as she needs to face it and work on healing how she feels toward her mother and finding peace in her heart.
Holding onto negative emotions from before — Often, we feel we can’t let go, or we simply choose to not release the negative emotions within ourselves regarding our past experiences. Remember, heaven is not a physical place, like Los Angeles, California that you can take a plane to get to. It is a state of consciousness. To be in a heavenly state here, or on the other side, we must cleanse and rid ourselves of the internal negative emotions regarding our past experiences.
“Jim, you don’t know what I’ve been through. I have been divorced three times, and my first ex husband abused me. How do you expect me to let go of that,” a client questions? “So don’t tell me to let go of the pain, when you haven’t lived through it.”
Here, we see how this person is trying to validate holding onto their pain. It would be like having an excruciating, debilitating headache, and attacking a doctor who was trying to help the person get rid of it. Of course, no one knows what any other person has been through. That goes without saying.
But in this instance, this person could read all of the self help books in the world, but until they work on the real problem, which is letting go of the pain of three failed marriages, it will do little or no good to help this person improve their life. They must not obfuscate the problem, and face it for what it is – and then, they will truly begin healing their journey.
Finding comfort in being a victim – It can be so safe to be a victim. “Why,” you might ask? Because a victim can never be blamed; they are not responsible for their life; they can feel sorry for themselves; and when things don’t work out, it is always someone else’s fault. It can also illicit sympathy from others.
“I don’t care about anything anymore,” a man says. “ Everything I have tried has never worked, so I’m just giving up. Nothing will ever work for me, and everyone has treated me badly.” This man is sealing his own fate by pronouncing out loud into the power of the spoken word that things will never work out, as they never have before. What he doesn’t realize, though, is that he is holding on to the identity of being a victim, and with that, there is a comfort. Think of it: No chances, no failure, no risk, and no self blame. It is utterly safe. To wallow in self-pity and feel sorry for oneself, becomes its own perverse type of comfort and prevents internal growth. No amount of affirming positive blessings changes this, as the problem must be faced for what is really is.
Being closed and blocked within — When we are internally closed to something, we won’t be able to manifest it. As the great metaphysical master Florence Shinn said, “A blessing can never come to you, it must come through you.” Meaning, we must be an open channel for God to bring us a blessing.
Often, I’ve seen clients claim they want something desperately, like a new romantic relationship. However, they are actually internally closed to it. This could be based on past hurt, fears, and issues that have not been resolved from before. So they’re actually shut down, even though they may not know it or be willing to admit it.
It’s like pulling oneself in opposite directions — there is a war within. With these blocks, a new and positive lover won’t come into the person’s life. They must work diligently on removing the blocks, by coming to terms with what the problems actually are. It isn’t just a matter of affirming that these blocks disappear or reinforcing the positive. We must acknowledge what we’re trying to let go of, as how could we heal something, if we don’t know what it is that we’re trying to heal? By removing these internal blocks through honest acknowledgement and healing, the door can be opened for someone new and wonderful to enter the person’s life.
What I’ve attempted to do in Part 1 of this writing is to explain many of the reasons why and when self-help doesn’t work. In Part 2, I will tackle the concept of why people fight against healing their negative issues and refuse to heal. For self-help to really work for us, we must be self-honest, work hard, along with facing reality. These keys are the true tools we need for positive transformation in our lives and that is the ultimate goal, which I will attempt to address n Part 2 of “When self-help doesn’t help!”
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