Voice of the Spirit

Topic: Accepting people for who they are!
Goal: To reach a level of peace in our relationships with others through accepting them as they are and no longer trying to make anyone into who we want them to be.

I accept everyone in my life exactly as they are with gratitude and appreciation!

 So many of us are searching for our perfect partner - the one!  He or she is absolutely out there; of course, the divine universe wants us to meet that special person and yes, we deserve to be happy together… but at what cost?  Believing every new person we meet is the one?  Forcing things into being that are not designed to work - trying to turn a part time sexual partner into a spouse?  Or worse yet, refusing to look at the underlying patterns and issues within us that keep us attracting the same type of wrong person which perpetuates our love lives going around and around in circles?  Let us take a look at these issues and work toward new approaches, healing, clarity and perspective to truly draw to us - the one!

How can everyone be right?

This question may seem quite obvious, you might say.  Everyone isn’t right for any one of us and who could possibly think otherwise?  What about those who literally think that each new person they connect with is the right one?  For many of my clients, periodically a new lover enters the picture.  With each new love interest, certain clients tell me how a new prospect is perfect for them, that the person in question is indeed faithful and marriage is in the not so distant future. 

If I disagree, I will certainly point out what I feel the dynamics of the relationship in question are all about.  When I try to articulate how this new lover is not right for them and they have said the same exact thing about every other person they’ve brought up to me in prior readings, they dismiss what I’m saying.  Instead, they immediately bring the focus right back to the current person in question.  Denying the underlying issues within, they want to hear that he or she is that perfect partner for them and better yet, lets talk about the wedding!  By only hearing what they want to hear, one frequently has to go through heartache after heartache instead of simply listening to what comes through in a reading from spirit for higher guidance.  Beyond that, almost always we do see the red flags that are present ourselves.  We know on a deep inner level that something is wrong.  We can feel it.  The question is whether we listen to our inner voice of truth or deny what we know.

By refusing to see any connection between what makes all of these lovers basically the same person in a different body, no growth occurs.  With that refusal to acknowledge the issues involved, the same cycle simply keeps getting repeated: new lover, it seems perfect, it falls apart, new lover…The difficult thing here is that years, even decades get eaten up by relationships that were not meant or designed to go the distance, where the warning signs are always ever present but ignored and denied.  We must learn to see that if we’re emotionally having the same knee jerk reaction when meeting new people, we must change the old patterns and attempt to look at things more clearly and realistically.

See people for who they really are

One could say that any of us only see what we want to see - we could take it a step further and say we only see what our ego, defense mechanisms and emotions allow us to see.  When we look at someone, what do we see?  Who do we see?  Are we looking at a projection of what we want, the real person or a combination of both?

In only seeing someone as we choose to see them, we set up a terribly faulty foundation to build a relationship upon.  For instance, I’ve had countless clients pretend that a cheating man is actually faithful - that the other women or women he’s sexually active with are merely platonic friends - or that it’s the women who want him as he would never engage in such deception himself.  The problems here are dangerous and obvious as these clients are: cheated on, risking their health, wasting their time and setting themselves up for great disappointment in the end.  On top of that, the disappointments never internally end when the relationships in question actually physically end.  The pain echoes on, facilitating other bad choices, bringing down a person’s hopes, dreams and vitality to live a happy life. 

Not looking clearly at the person who may affect you and your journey more profoundly than anyone else in your life is like strolling onto a highway with blinders on and pretending that none of the vehicles will run you over.  Without realistic perception of our partners, everything goes awry as our choices are based on: delusion, inner emotional deception, false hopes, erroneous expectations and non-truthful projections.  

In seeing someone only partially accurately, it makes choices tricky and difficult.  How deep are their issues?  Is the person in question willing to work on healing these issues?  If it’s just a question of learn to take the good with the bad, put up or shut up, it can be complicated and problematic.  “Well on some days, he’s nice to me, while on others, he ignores me and blows me off.  I keep thinking that maybe I just need to be patient and love him more,” a client rationalizes.  Here’s an analogy:  If someone hugged you on Monday and slapped you on Tuesday, what would you do?  It is so important to realize that if the good and the bad are running a head to head race, relationships don’t usually make it to the finish line in a successful way. 

One could counter these perceptions by stating that everyone is a mixture of good and bad and that no one is perfect.  That goes without saying as of course, no one is perfect.  What’s important though, is the question of whether one’s partner is committed to the relationship or not?  Is sincere effort being put in to make things work?  Are they trying to become a better person for you and themselves?  If it’s just a see saw ride, things eventually collapse.  Here, one should always try to build upon what they perceive correctly about their partner and work from there toward an even deeper understanding of who and what they really are.  Try to make realistic assessments across the board.  This way, one moves toward clarity and with clear vision the decisions that are best in the long run can indeed be made.

If we see a person for who they truly are, it is a Godsend.  Why?  Because for better or worse and whether we like it or not, we can make an informed and accurate choice regarding our potential involvement with them.  By knowing who our lover is, we know what we’re actually in for as acknowledging the truth frees us to make an appropriate decision - whether to stay or go.  Also, knowing what ones good and bad qualities are allows growth to occur.  By knowing the actual problems, one sees what needs to fix things and a plan of action can be put into place.  Communication can improve because what is being talked about is based on reality, not emotional fantasy.  Looking at things honestly helps to cut through the haze of deception, false expectations and cloudiness as highlighted in the above-mentioned examples.  This way, whatever potential a relationship inherently has can be realized in a healthy way.

Playing The Odds

I have had instances where a client tries to play the odds in a reading with me.  “OK Jim, I’ve asked you about 10 different men and now you say number 11 is also not right for me?  Isn’t anyone right for me?” a female client questions in frustration.  Psychic predictions are certainly not a numbers game.  It is not as if one could play the odds and say that if 10 or even 100 prospects are looked at, that certainly one of them must be the right one.  A client may assume that if there are so many people being looked at and I as a reader feel that none of them are a good fit, it can be turned around to make me look negative.  It’s sort of like the majority rules concept.  How can 100 people be wrong and one person be right?  In this instance, the client thinks of love as a poker game; if you keep playing, sooner or later you’ll get a good hand.

Occasionally, I have had times where the first person I picked up for someone in a reading was his or her true-life partner and subsequently, commitment occurs.  Many people soliciting readings ask about tens upon tens of possibilities with none of them being potentially healthy long-term relationships.  Sometimes it’s as if a client feels like they’ve already paid their dues by hearing negative predictions about multiple romantic choices.  They’re fed up now and only want to hear that things will work out with the new person in question.  It’s an understandable feeling that any of us can get frustrated in our search for love, but not at the expense of trying to make a wrong person right.

Remember, as a reader, I can’t make someone be anything other than they are and I certainly wouldn’t pretend to.  I always do my best to look at each situation, energy and possibility dispassionately and with an open mind.  With non-attachment, a psychic is hopefully able to offer the correct assessment at hand for anyone being read for.  Here, the key for any client is to simply look at each person that enters their journey without positive or negative expectation and from a place of openness and receptivity to only the truth.

The turtle and the hare

All of us know the story of the turtle and the hare; the one that went slower, the turtle, actually got there quicker.  We should think of our love lives in the same way.  Take it easy, reasonably and let the pace be natural in getting to know someone.  This way, bad relationships are more likely to be avoided as connections based on false chemistry and illusion aren’t as likely to hook us in.  By not getting reeled into something negative and not right, the space is there in our hearts to allow the right partner to come into our lives.  Remember, we must be an open channel for the divine universe to work through and bring us our perfect partner.  Being in a hurry is like driving through morning traffic to get to work way too impatiently and fast.  An accident may occur.  If something is right, it is most likely to evolve in such a way that is organic, natural, comfortable and makes sense.  The quick fix, immediate connection and the instant soul mate hardly ever leads to anything productive, long-term and positive.

To illustrate the turtle and the hare analogy again, when one goes through many fragmented relationships that could each eat up anywhere from several months to many years, so much time gets wasted.  Those choices could lead to a decade or more of failed relationships.  In the end, one is worse off than where they were when they first started.  Never forget that any of us become scarred through repeated heartache, deception and disappointments.  Think of it this way:  If someone simply moves slowly, most of the bad relationships one could slip into impulsively or carelessly become avoided.  Why?  Because bad relationships often show themselves for what they truly are pretty quickly if you keep your eyes wide open and listen to those around you and your inner voice of awareness.  With less time spent, less pain to work through, one’s heart and spirit are more optimistic and hopeful.  This allows infinite spirit to bring the right partner into the picture.  As I had stated earlier and in other writings, a blessing cannot come to you; it must come through you.  Be an open channel of what you wish to draw to you and throw the rest away!

Again, take your time and allow the relationship to unfold naturally.  Realize too, that if things happen too quick and too fast, one or both parties could activate and involve their defense and survival mechanisms, which could destroy a potentially successful relationship.  How?  Because our defense and survival mechanisms are designed to protect us, keep us alive and out of harms way.  When one becomes emotionally threatened, one’s defenses come to the rescue, causing one to: back off, pull back, withdraw, destroy what’s there, behave in a back and forth fashion, retreat or simply walk away.  By not engaging our fears and survival mechanisms as in: the fear of getting hurt again, the fear of being trapped or the fear of being too vulnerable, we can progress in a much more seamless and positive way with our partners.

I prayed to God

“Jim, he has to be right for me.  I prayed to God and asked for my soul mate to come into my life today.  How can he be wrong if God sent him to me,” a client questions?  First, it is so important to realize that our timing and God’s timing may not be one and the same.  When we pray for anything we must affirm it and own it in the present tense.  However, God may have a different perspective regarding physical time.  What if the right person is in another location and needs to move to your area physically in a year or so to meet you?  What if your perfect partner is going through a divorce and about 3-4 years later will be ready to meet and commit to you?  What if you’re not really ready for a commitment internally, even though you may adamantly think so?  Because you want it emotionally more than anything, you would assume that you must be ready.  Remember, when something is ready for us, it tends to come in - perfectly timed by infinite intelligence.

Beyond that, the first person that comes into you life when a prayer is sent out to the heavens may be a test.  They may not be the correct person at all, but a test:  Have you learned to see people more clearly that you get involved with?  God may send you a person similar to your negative exes to see if you have grown past old habits and emotional patterns.  Have you learned what not to do?  Things are not just so simple as: “I prayed, therefore, God answers my prayers exactly as I want right now!”

Another scenario experienced is when you may have prayed for something, but you have mixed feelings within your psyche about it.  Those mixed energies will also get sent out along with the prayer.  If part of you is closed while another part of you simultaneously open to commitment, you will very likely attract a partner who has the exact same duality and conflict.  We can’t turn off who we are internally.  Just like your heart will always beat, who you are and what you feel in any part of your internal being is always projected outward along with your prayers.

Make sure to pray in the present tense while simultaneously trusting in your heart that infinite spirit knows the right time for you.  Don’t get fooled by those who are not right for you and who may actually represent the same type of lovers you were with in past.  By all means, continue to work on your internal healing; achieving the oneness and pureness of thought, feeling and essence, which manifests the relationship miracles you deserve!

Don’t want it too badly

When we want something bad enough, it is easy, even predictable to lose our objective clarity and clear insight regarding our heart’s longings.  In this instance, our heart’s desire becomes our heart’s disease.  You can look at any number of examples: if someone wants to be famous, they will tend to believe any third rate or make believe “producer” who says they can make them a star.  When someone wants to get rich quickly and easily, they can fall for any number of financial scams such as false lottery winnings sent via email. From a romantic perspective, when one hopes to get married, one can pretend a non committal relationship is leading to an engagement ring.

How much should we want love then?  To attract something, we must be in a state of harmony with what we are attempting to attract.  We must like it, feel good about it, embrace it and be open to it in all parts of our inner being.  Also, we need to feel continually positive and enthusiastic.  However, God would never expect us to “break our backs” to get it.  We must not obsess over it, fret, worry and wallow in frustration, which completely negates the positive prayers we’re sending out.  It is literally like taking two steps forward, then two steps backward.  These examples come to mind:  An athlete may want to win a championship, but at what cost?  Paying someone off to have the star players of the opposing team injured before the game?  We can want to rise in our careers, but at the expense of sleeping 2-3 hours a night?  That is unnecessary, harmful and could kill us!

We must be reasonable in our thoughts and requests to meet the right person.  When we affirm it, send out that affirmation with intensity and clarity.  Then finally - we must release it!  Let go and let God!  Releasing our prayers is the final conclusion of our part in manifesting our hearts desire!  We must absolutely let go so that the wondrous divine universe can do the rest of the job for us.  As the great metaphysical teacher Florence Shinn asked, “Have you ever seen a worried or anxious magnet?  It just sits there and attracts all that is good to it!”

We could never be aware of all of the endless possibilities and variables involved in meeting the one!  Regarding timing, how could we possibly know or calculate all that needs take place to bring the two of us together?  Infinite intelligence surely knows and can arrange everything down to the split second in a far more superior way that we could ever imagine!  What about the countless qualities our perfect partner must possess to be right for us?  Don’t make a list! It will most certainly be incomplete! You would spend the rest of your life trying to write such a list!  Affirm: “God brings my perfect divine life partner into my life today!”  Leave the height, hair color etc. to the infinite wisdom that governs all.

Give up any and all of the burden to a higher power!  Simply do your part:  don’t get fooled by false lovers and believe that everyone you connect with is right, look at anyone and everyone you meet for who and what they are, not what you wish or want them to be.  Please don’t think that the more people you encounter, the more likely someone has got to be right.  Affirm your prayers and affirmations in the here and now!  When making your divine petitions, simply be completely grateful that your requests are answered in the right way — at the right time - as all is perfectly timed in this heavenly universe.  Never forget that before you could ever realize, it is already an established and eternal fact in divine mind!

Here in “Working Through Negative Emotions, (Part 2), I hope to go delve deeper through each emotion I’ve chosen to write about here, from the smug safety of cynicism to the often life ending feelings of hopelessness.

As established in Part 1, negative emotions do debilitate and cripple us, and it is paramount for all of us to making the sincere commitment to healing our lives.  We must not give up!  I sincerely hope to offer the perceptive, clarity, insight, exercises, tips and affirmations to assist in this process.  May healing be yours!

Cynicism

When we become cynical, it shuts down our optimism and our hope…  Condemning others, smirking at those deemed foolish, looking down on people… Smug and indifferent, nothing much matters anymore to us as we become cynical.  Through time, this sensibility leads us to becoming more and more closed, even jaded.  And it its own way, it is quite safe.  Why?  Because with cynicism, chances and risks need not be taken.  The cynic sits back on the editorializing sidelines, observes and mocks.  Nothing can move one to any real thunder, positively or negatively.  The hardship of others or even our own suffering doesn’t move us to tears, or feelings of empathy any longer!  Those energies died a long time ago.  

It is a reality of looking irreverently at situations, with an aura of false superiority.  However, some cynics are clever enough to mock themselves also, giving the illusion of being fair:  “I attack you, but I also make fun of myself.  See, we’re even,” one quips.  And it’s all wrapped in a self assured glow of knowing - but knowing what?  That life and its circumstances are a once disappointing, now silly joke! 

Here we’ve lost our dreams; therefore, we dismiss the dreams of others!  We’ve lost our hope, so we scoff at those who are hopeful, deeming them naive and looking through rise colored glasses.  We may feel safe behind this dismissive armor known as criticism, but at what cost to ourselves in the long run?

How did we get here?  If we look at ourselves and our circumstances, very seldom do we change our relationship to life, the universe and our inner reality over night.  It happens throughout time, many experiences and multiple emotional passages.  With cynicism, like most other negative emotions, the process is slow and drawn out…  Sometimes it’s not even perceived as occurring at all…and we’re not supposed to necessarily know it is even happening to us…

The momentum of cynicism often operates in a covert fashion, like a secretive undercover mission.  It’s mostly done behind the scenes of our conscious awareness.  Why?  Because if the person experiencing this process doesn’t consciously know that they are becoming increasingly cynical, these feelings and attitudes cannot be dethroned, uprooted and healed, so they remain.  If we perceive ourselves as being reasonable, there is nothing to look at and address.  Therefore, there IS nothing to heal, allowing the cynicism to grow and remain unchecked, like a disease spreading throughout us that goes undetected and if only marginally perceived, blown off.

“Jim, I know I won’t get the promotion as I’m not connected politically in the office.  I don’t suck up to the right people, so guess what, I won’t get the position.”  I’ve been here before.  Since I don’t play the game, I don’t get promoted, even though I am the most qualified.  Oh well, my career stinks and so does life and I don’t really care at all anymore,” a female client who has thrown in the towel says.  Here we see how cynicism has evolved throughout time based on repeated disappointments in her career and leads to pessimism.  Here, the very cynicism that my client perceives as being real is simply her negative reaction to what has occurred.  And the danger of this mindset is that it keeps the very thing going that she has been so frustrated by.  Believing in a reality most assuredly helps to perpetuate that exact reality and in this instance, she is metaphorically digging her own grave.

You might question, how would I expect my client to have a positive attitude about her career?  She has had several legitimate disappointments.  My answer is that whatever experience we go through is not as important as our reaction to it.  With repeated “disappointments,” it’s of course easy to become cynical.  Once we’ve become that way, there’s not much good that will come through holding onto and embracing that energy!  It is kind of like driving down a dead end street.

What my client should do is to work toward asking herself what she has learned through what came before.  What did the universe teach her?  What was the lesson?  And always, take the lesson and throw the rest away, meaning, do not hold onto the emotions regarding whatever has happened.   Pronounce that is it OK!  A new door will open!

To whatever degree any of us are cynical; we must make a reverse journey if you will - a return to and a reclaiming of openness to life, trust and positive receptivity - in a sense, a reclaiming of our lost innocence.  We first do this through working through the varying layers of cynicism and letting them go:  life sucks, condemning other people, feeling jaded, non motivated, living without hope, giving up, life will never get any better, mocking and criticizing others and overall insincerity. 

Of course this doesn’t mean to throw away what has been taught to us and trust simply anybody and anything that strolls our way.  We have learned and all experiences enlighten us.  However, we need to let go of the cynicism that saps our vitality, hope and ability to dream.  Without a dream, we might be able to exist, but find it impossible to really live!  Affirm daily: I see the magic and wonder in all that has come my way!  I appreciate my past experiences and see my journey as positive and enriching!

Criticism

Whatever we say when criticizing someone else reflects more about how we truly feel about ourselves than the person we’re criticizing!  When we criticize others, we are simply voicing our own opinion of us!  Our words are an utter mirror of how we actually feel inside.

To elaborate on this point, the things we dislike about ourselves get projected outward onto others.  Let’s say that if we feel unattractive deep within, we might look at a female celebrity on TV and proclaim, “Look at her, she really got fat and ugly!  She needs to go on a diet!”  The real issue here is that the person doing the condemning doesn’t feel good about themselves, therefore, it’s time to attack another.  It even feels good, because the inner feelings of poor self worth get unleashed and thrust upon someone else which provide a momentary release.  It’s like a man having a bad day at work and unloading all of his internal negativity on his wife when he comes home.  He’ll feel better monetarily as he got it out, but she certainly won’t.  In addition, it doesn’t help him to heal his issues anyway.

Sometimes our narrow mindedness causes us to criticize, judge and place blame on others.  “Pete down the street left his wife and kids for another woman.  He left her for some young home wrecker who’s half his age.  What a jerk,” a neighbor exclaims!  Never lose sight of that great biblical phrase that most of us don’t practice which is, “Judge not, lest ye be judged!”  We should not put down others at all.  It is not our spiritual calling - leave that one to a higher power!

On top of that, very few of us realize how deeply we put ourselves down.  You can hear it if you read between the lines of what people say.  “I’ve never had a good relationship; why doesn’t love ever work our for me?  I probably wasn’t worth much to anyone anyway,” a male client who has been frustrated in relationships says to me.  Here, if we look at the last sentence of his statement, it speaks volumes.  The person, although causally, is giving away how they really feel about themselves and their self worth.  Hardly any of us proclaim from the mountaintop how bad and unworthy we feel about ourselves - it is often underplayed as highlighted above.

It is quite frequent that we pick up these bad self-image signals early in childhood.  Whether it is the critical, domineering parent, or not shining alongside the other children as much as perfectionism wants us to, we learn to think and feel badly about ourselves.  These tapes must be reprogrammed.  Not just for the obvious reason that self criticism can be negative, but because it brings down our health, finances, as well as every other area of our journey.  Perpetuated, it attracts harmful situations and damaging circumstances back to us.  Here, the law of attraction is in play.  If you feel not good about you, you magnetize to those people and circumstances that give that negativity right back to you without exception.

Let us first try to not keep criticizing others; meaning, if you can’t say something good about someone, don’t say anything at all!  It is a good starting point.  From here, work toward pronouncing what is positive about people, all the while removing yourself from the role of judge and jury!  It is not a matter of what someone else is doing or has done!  People sin and hurt others all day long.  Even if the sin is egregious, it is not our divine calling to condemn others.  Last, but not least, as we achieve these above-mentioned goals, we no longer criticize ourselves!  And when we stop looking down on us, we are free to accept others, the entire universe as well as ourselves without pointing the finger!

Practice this simple exercise daily:  Observe everything you say about others!  If you stop criticizing others, it will help you to no longer criticize yourself!  It so absolutely liberating to be free of the negative vibration of criticism!

Finally, affirm out loud:  I accept everyone for who they are and what they’ve done with grace and divine love in my heart as I also accept myself the same!

Revenge

Revenge is a living breathing poison that infects us down to our core.  When getting even is the ultimate goal… and we do indeed get our revenge, we will never be happy in the long run.  Why?  Because the payoff of a negative emotion such as revenge, simply stated is receiving back what we’ve done to another: poisonous, unhealthy, debilitating and punishing — to us.  It hurts us.  Never lose sight of the fact that the divine universe doesn’t make exceptions for any of us exacting revenge based on the degree that we have been hurt by another.  That old adage of “Two wrongs don’t make a right,” really takes on new meaning here.  We just like to make that tiny little exception to the rule when we’ve been wounded, when we’ve been damaged!

“I wish bad upon my ex.  I wish the same thing on him that he did to me.  I want God to pay him back.  Yes, I can’t wait to get even.  I pray for revenge every day and you know what, God will give it to him because of what he did to me.  Just wait and see,” a client emphatically proclaims! 

What happened here is that her ex husband and father of her children left the state, ostensibly claiming it was for a new job.  But deep inside my client knew he was lying, which I confirmed.  There was another woman - or women, and although multiple psychics said he was coming back, I knew he wasn’t and he never did. 

So what she did to get even was to try and ruin his new job, cause problems with his cell phone service, get his money and take him to court.  And she did get some of what she wanted: she disrupted his career, discontinued his cell phone service and even got some money.

OK, so she got her revenge!  Was she happy?  Of course not.  She then went into a cycle of getting involved with destructive relationships, became physically weaker, even sick, and her finances went downhill.  In this instance, that what she sent out came back quite rapidly - within a year to two.  Sometimes, though, it can take: years, decades, even lifetimes for the repercussions of our revenge to boomerang back on us.

I counseled her as I do everyone that revenge is not a good thing to indulge in.  Some heed my advice, while others don’t.  So how do we let go of the desire for revenge?  What can we do?

First, it’s important to note that revenge is the end result of many other emotions:

1) Hurt - it all starts with hurt, the feeling of rejection, being lied to, betrayed, disappointed, even feeling played.

2) Anger - As a defense mechanism, anger comes to the rescue to put us in survival mode.  Anger prepares us for battle, so with righteous indignation, we move forward.  ”I’m not going to take it anymore!”

3) Not Letting Go - By holding onto all of this, a false momentum builds - obsessing mentally and emotionally keeps it going - not being able to sleep.  It consumes one from day to night.  Something must be done to stop this!

4) Getting Revenge - Delusionally thinking that evening the score will make things better and help one feel better.  It may seem to make us feel good for awhile, but it’s a negative high, like robbing a bank.  Part of the illusion is that leveling the playing field exalts us to new heights when in actuality; it takes us into the gutter.

So here we see how revenge is built throughout a process of different emotions, all interrelated, and none of them positive for us.  We must work through these layers of feelings in reverse order to eventually heal the foundational core issue at hand - the hurt.

First, make the commitment that you are not going to seek revenge.  No matter what, you are not going to indulge in getting even.  Second, ask divine love to help you let go of this person and situation and release all of the inner burdens to divine spirit!  After that, we must acknowledge our anger, but not validate it.  We may feel angry - OK, we’ve been hurt, that’s understandable.  We must not plan to build on it but work toward dissipating it.  Last, but not least, take care of you!  Learn from the hurt.  Is there anything that can be done to minimize the likelihood of something like this happening to you again based on what you’ve been taught?  Look at all you can and have learned and let go of these vengeful feelings in loving and supportive way to you!

Resentment & Rage!

Holding onto resentment & rage is like looking at yourself in a fun mirror - you’ll look quite distorted and surreal, except with resentment and rage, it won’t be a fun reflection at all; it is dark, ugly and the results are horrifying.  With these two emotional partners in crime, one overreacts to anything and everything.  Innocent statements and common conversations conclude with nightmarish results.  When a man filled with these dark emotions comes home from work, he explodes when asked by his wife the simplest question as to how his day went.  “I had a rotten day, OK.  Leave me the hell alone,” he snaps!

It is a pressure cooker and a time bomb which plays havoc on one’s own internal state: heightened blood pressure, tension, headaches, anxiety, panic, overall psychological stress and health problems; these emotions build and build until a boiling point is reached - something eventually has got to give!  As this process advances through time, mundane normal day-to-day life serves as a trigger.  For example: Driving through the normal flow of traffic turns into a nerve racking disaster, pounding on the steering wheel, weaving in and out of traffic, cursing and swearing.  Waiting in line for a few moments at the grocery store is filled with a tension that ruins the day, while common interactions with people turn adversarial and combative.

“I just want to set an appointment to get my oil changed OK?  Is that too hard for you to do?  Can you hurry up and give me the first time you have?  I don’t care if it’s in the morning or afternoon.  Would you just tell me what you’ve got?  I didn’t ask which day was most convenient for me.  You know, this is really irritating.  I just want my oil change as soon as possible,” someone yells! 

When one is in the throws of resentment and rage, it is absolutely alienating to everyone who comes in contact with them.  People get pushed away by being insulted, yelled at, talked over and interrupted.  These feelings are a powerhouse and know no boundaries.  In one’s own mind, it’s as if no one else could possibly know what they’ve been through therefore, their attacks are justified.  The resentment of years, even decades of memories unhealed segues into complete rage and with that, one becomes on the brink…

With these feelings, everything becomes skewed and out of balance: ones perspective on the way they’re being treated, their past experiences, other people‘s motives and common events take on exaggerated and false horrific tones.  Blaming and attacking the wrong person becomes commonplace and again, alienates those who are not out to hurt another.  Bad choices are made, as the perspective that guides the decision making processes is totally out of balance and out of whack.  When things are not seen clearly or objectively, the decisions predicated on this warped view also produce lopsided and not good results.

So what do we do with these two toxic energies?  When our lives reach a point where we’re centered in resentment and rage, we must work through these emotions in a methodical fashion:

1) Make the commitment to yourself that you are not going to act out: meaning yelling, screaming, snapping at people, interrupting and being combative.  There are very few instances in life that require a reaction proportionate to acting on resentment and rage.

2) Acknowledge what is making you feel so terribly upset.  Look at these experiences, and bring it out into the light, in a calm, matter of fact way.  Discuss with those who love you and / or a therapist or counselor to gain perspective that is higher.

3) With that acknowledgment, try to look at what you’ve learned that is positive and made you a better person from each of these passages.  Whatever good has come out of it all must be celebrated, while the negative part needs to be let go of, one day and one step at a time.

4) Finally, pronounce out loud daily:  I am at peace with my past experiences, my life and all that has happened before.  It is OK now as I live in peace with the entire world and myself!

Hopelessness

Hopeless and despondent, listless and throwing in the towel…At the end of our ropes, we’ve lost the energy and movement that comes with emotions, both positively and negatively.  Whether the exuberance that comes with being optimistic, or the anger that comes with rage, feelings animate us and make us react and take action.  With hopelessness, we’re like a limp dishrag…how can we even continue to get out of bed in the morning?  “Jim, I can’t take it anymore.  I can’t fight this battle any longer.  Nothing has ever gone right for me and is just seems to get worse.  You tell me to be hopeful, but nothing improves and I’m just so tired,” a client who has given up laments.

Initially, these feelings may sound like the epitaph on a tombstone, but they should not be.  We must take action and here is a starting point to deal with this despondency:  The first thing to do is to not give in to, wallow in or embrace hopelessness as it is much too much like stepping into quicksand - these emotions will bury you alive.  Losing hope is the end of the line, so to speak, and without optimism; it is awfully hard to exist, yet alone really live.  Never forget how many times any of us have seen people go dramatically downhill, even lose their lives once all hope is gone.  It is truly a death sentence; even if the actual death takes time to occur! 

Second, never forget that where there is life, there is hope!  Don’t scoff at such an old mainstay - embrace it as being true!  We must counter hopelessness with hope, despondency with enthusiasm, listlessness with excitement over our lives - even when it appears that nothing is going right!  In countering the negative with the positive, it immediately makes a huge dent in the negativity for the better.  I would remind my client mentioned above that they are alive, able to speak, go to work and make living.  That certainly is more than a start!

Third, get out of yourself.  This will help you to rise above and transcend that dreadful state of hopelessness.  How?  Start doing acts of kindness for others.  Every day, do something for someone else where there is absolutely no motive of self-interest involved whatsoever.  Pay attention to what others need around you and be helpful when and where you can.  Doing charity work is a great opportunity to do something good for others and at the same time, feel good about yourself!  Even though hopelessness seems so insurmountable, we take a enormous bite out of it by simply helping others.  You might ask why?  Because negative emotions only focus on self - as in “my suffering.”  They disconnect us from the rest of this universe and make us feel separate and that leaves us self indulged.  By helping others, we are forced out of this imploded “me” negativity and begin to heal.  We become connected in a perpetually positive and enriching way.

Perhaps the most profound way I know of to heal hopelessness is the following daily exercise:  Look at anyone and everyone who has it worse than you, and immediately pronounce gratitude for all you have.  It makes an enormous difference. 

If you are strapped financially, think of someone who can’t pay the rent!

If you are sick, think of someone who is terminally ill!

If you are romantically lonely but have some family and friends, think of someone who has absolutely no one to lean on!

If you don’t like your job, think of someone who is out of work!

If you don’t like your physical appearance, think of someone who is disabled!

If you are frustrated with what people think of you, think of someone who is universally disliked and hated!

If you envy what others have, remind yourself of what you do have!

With this in mind, we turn away from identifying with the poisonous and negative emotions that do nothing but bring our lives, our dreams and us down.  As we make a new commitment to being positive and giving it our best, the universe will support us, guiding us every step of the way to the peace and harmony that is ours by divine birthright!

Topic: Releasing the Pain of Past Holidays
Goal: To let go of the negative emotions that have occurred in prior holidays, allowing us to be positively in the moment of this current holiday season.

I now let go of past hurts and disappointments and I am able to celebrate this holiday season with joy!

 When we think of our negative emotions, we tend to believe that even though they are icky and crummy feelings we’re going through at the time, they certainly won’t destroy our lives.  It’s as if bad feelings come and go, like the waves of the water or the changing of the seasons.  Life has its ups and downs and we deal with them, even if just barely so.  We often underplay the long-term importance of these emotions, viewing them as being synonymous with bad moods we all go through: sad, angry, depressed, frustrated or feeling hopeless. 

But negative emotions are toxic: they internally destroy our lives, our health, polluting out overall spirituality and create harmful, poisonous energy within us.  We must make the journey inward to honestly face what we feel to begin the cleansing and healing process that is pivotal to our overall well being.

Whether we know it or not, these feelings within also get sent out into the universe, so whatever is going on inside is constantly being projected - 24 hours a day, year ‘round.  What we propel outward, even if it is unconscious, draws right back to us the total mirror and utter reflection of all we feel.

Jealousy - Envy

There is a great metaphysical definition, which defines a person as being jealous when they won’t allow themselves to do what someone else is doing.

If we were clarifying that definition, we would say:  When person A doesn’t allow himself or herself to do what person B is doing, they become jealous.  Here we can illustrate this point: If John, (person A) didn’t allow himself to work on his physique and become healthy and in shape, he would become envious of Paul, (person B) who takes care of his body, works out and is in terrific shape.

What’s interesting about this spiritual concept is that it presumes that person A can do what person B is doing.  They are just not allowing themselves to do so!  With that statement in mind, we know that our hands are not tied being behind our backs and we can achieve our goals.

“Jim. I hate the fact that my sister is rich and I’m not.  She doesn’t deserve a penny, she just married a rich guy.  This just isn’t fair,” a client of mine states emphatically!  Here we see how the seeds of self-destruction are being sown.  Through her negative preoccupation with her sister’s financial status, this client doesn’t allow herself to receive her own financial blessings; the ones God has been trying to send her. 

If God was indeed trying to give her these monetary miracles, then why isn’t she getting them, you might question?  The answer is simple: because she is not open to them.  Her negative mind set regarding her sister’s fortune closes down all channels and pathways for her financial windfalls to come to her.  It’s like taking the phone off the hook and complaining that no one is ever calling!

There is a wonderful tried and true concept by the great metaphysical master Florence Shinn that states: “A blessing never comes to you; it must come through you.”  To elaborate on this premise, we must be an open channel for God to work through.  The door must be open in our mind, heart and spirit for God to walk through and bring us gifts!

As I always advise people to never be jealous of anyone or anything, some people listen, and with that, they move into receiving their own blessings — their own successes! 

However, I’ve seen people who are just too addicted to the negative rush of envy.  Why?  Because then they don’t have to do anything to make their dreams come true. Isn’t it easier to drop the ball then to throw it?  They can just feed off of the negative charge: talking disparagingly about others who have more, gossiping, wishing bad upon the objects of their resentment and so on… Through refusing to let this darkness go, their lives go downhill- sometimes slowly, while other times quite rapidly.

Here is a dynamite affirmation by spiritual master Florence Shinn to neutralize jealousy.  Use it whenever you feel any envy at all:  What God has done for ___________, he now does for me and more!   Of course, the blank space is the person or situation the jealousy is over. As with the example of the resentful sister mentioned above, the affirmation would be voiced as: What God has done for my sister’s finances, he now does for me and more!

Greed

In the Bible, there is the story of the Israelites who were walking through the desert, hungry and thirsty, so God sent them Manna (food and nourishment) from heaven.  It may seem like a cut and dry episode, but the point of this story is to illustrate the very strong spiritual foundation of how we are always truly provided for.  Our needs our taken care of.  Whatever we require does immediately appear on our pathway!  This is God’s supreme and perfect plan for us.

But it is often what we want that we may not get, especially if what we have our sights set on is coming from a place of greed.  For some, nothing is ever good enough…  If they have a substantial amount money to live comfortably on, they want more - and if and when they get more, it has to continue to be even larger - right now… 

In short, whatever gifts God gives them are never going to suffice in their own mind.  It is a bottomless pit of accumulation - a glass with a hole in the bottom. Even though you keep filling it up, the water drains out every time.  It’s sort of like the old adage of a football coach, “You’re only as good as your last win.”  It’s almost as if that whatever is gotten today is forgotten by tomorrow.

“I did get the new promotion you predicted, but my raise wasn’t as big as I wanted.  When am I going to get a really hefty financial increase,” a client questions?  I might surprise them by saying that they first need to practice gratitude for what they do have.  Then, by feeling appreciative, a larger raise will come.  Some say, “I hear you, but I just want to know when I’m going to get more money,” which probably won’t lead them to their desired outcome.  On the other hand, there are those who are thankful, therefore opening the door to receive a larger raise down the road.

As a reader, I’ve seen the following scenario too many times to count; a person has what they need, but don’t appreciate it at all, so they keep demanding more.  And for a while, they can ride this energy out - repeatedly demanding and getting frustrated…

However, if they don’t learn to become grateful, greed spreads like a disease.  If more doesn’t come in the time frame their ego designates, things start going downhill.  (If greed is at the core of the desire, what is sought after either doesn’t come, or it manifests in a negative, disadvantageous way).

Even when an endless appetite to accumulate is ever present and working against us, God is still providing for us.  In spite of anyone dissipating and squandering their supply through lack of appreciation, wanting more, and taking for granted what they already have, they are still taken care of!  Even when things do appear to spiral downward as in less money, worse health, and more unhappy circumstances, God still has our backs!

It is important to redirect our requests and neutralize greed through first expressing appreciation and gratitude every single day, without exception by affirming: I thank the universe today and every day for the gift of life and every miracle I receive!

Then, with that in mind, we can ask infinite spirit for greater blessings.  However, we must ask for the miracles that are ours by divine right, and not based on greed.  We need to become joyous receivers and not behave like bratty spoiled children.  Just like when your parents gave you a wondrous gift for Christmas when you were a youngster, hopefully, you thanked them with glee!  It is the same thing now.  Life in and of itself is a tremendously precious gift!  Give thanks for everything you have!

We should affirm: I now receive all of the endless miracles and blessings that are mine by divine right!  By wanting all of the good that God wants for us and not what greed consumes, we can’t go wrong!

Hatred

“I hate my ex husband for what he did to me.  He cheated on me, divorced me and married the other woman, and to top it all off, he left me penniless in our divorce.  I truly hate that man,” a client states.  While I empathize with my client’s suffering, I know that holding onto this negativity only hurts her.

It’s like the old phrase of cutting off your nose to spite your face.  Never lose sight of the fact that hating another only hurts the one doing the hating.  It’s like drinking poison to punish someone else.

The first thing that needs to be noted here is the tried and true spiritual law of the universe.  No matter what we’ve been through, or how much we’ve been wronged, we must stop the hating and forgive those who have been malicious to us.  We won’t be set free or able to find any real happiness till we let go, bless and wish well whoever has made our lives worse. 

The divine universe doesn’t make exceptions to this law based on the degree of pain or misery incurred by the one who has been victimized.  Meaning, it’s not as if that the more pain any of us have been through, the more exemptions we receive regarding our hatred of others.  It is our spiritual calling and destiny to learn to let go of this toxic darkness and once and for all, stop the hating. 

It’s not as if this is a like a photograph in our personal photo album that we can just take out and view when we wish.  It is a cancer that eats away at our internal well-being, our health, our finances, our emotional frame of mind and psychological balance.  In short, we become destroyed through hatred - of anyone or anything.

When people are defensive regarding this frame of mind, they may fire back at someone who tries to help them out of their negativity.  “You have no idea what I’ve been through.  Who are you to tell me to stop hating someone who destroyed my life,” someone questions?  Of course no other person can ever truly walk in another’s shoes and feel exactly what they’ve been through and it is sad that they feel this way.  But two things are important here: First, if someone is trying to assist another out of this abyss, they do empathize; they do care-that’s exactly why they are trying to help aid the healing process.  Secondly, the defensive person is not trying to let go, move on and resolve things for themselves.  It’s like someone wearing his or her misery as a proud badge of honor.

Others sometimes falsely believe that setting the one who has hurt them free is a way of sanctioning and condoning those very actions that were harmful to them.  This is simply not true.  Releasing the other person frees the one who was once doing the hating.

Instead of poisoning ourselves a little at a time, day by day…Let’s release this darkness once and for all!  Never forget that we are only as close to the kingdom of heaven (which is within our own minds) as to the degree we hate anyone or anything.  Meaning, our state of mind defines the limits of our happiness and bliss, literally.

To heal these old derelict emotions, affirm out loud: I now release all feelings of hatred to divine love and am now set free to be at peace with everyone and everything!

Blame

When we blame others, we usurp our own supreme power.  It is like being in the driver’s seat of your car, throwing your hands up in the air and claiming that someone or something else took control of the wheel.

“Jim, you don’t understand.  My mother told me I was never going to amount to anything my entire childhood and guess what, she was right.  It’s because of her that I’m where I’m at today,” a client emphasizes!  Here we see how blame has become a way of relinquishing control of ones’ own destiny.  And while we should feel great compassion for what my client has been through, it’s important to note that playing the blame game always sets us up to lose.

Mom said this, yes, but it’s a different time and place now.  One can look at things in a new, fresh way.  We do have choices, and this very old and non-productive pain can be released.  Remember, negative emotions are not permanent anyway and by no longer feeling crippled by Mom, my client gets a new lease on life.  If Mom is not at fault any longer, then life becomes a wide-open highway with endless opportunities!

Blame is usually a process that evolves throughout time - very seldom do we just point the finger at one person, circumstance or thing.  It is usually the accumulative affect of years, even decades of disappointments that left unhealed, turn into chronic blame, which assists us in forging a negative emotional identify.  Like quicksand, we sink deeper and deeper, eventually drowning ourselves in feelings that seemed so reasonable and justifiable at the time.

Think of this perspective: Would you rather be the one in control of your life, or let other people, circumstances and events call the shots?  The answer is obvious.  Any of us would like that decision making power.  Then we must take it - not wait for it to be given to us, as we must own it.  Blaming others is a way of saying, “I am no longer the captain of my own ship.”

Of course, disappointments and pain are at the root of this.  All of us have been seriously hurt, wronged, even shattered at some point in our lives.  I don’t think you can find one adult person, even teenager, who doesn‘t share these feelings.  So what do we do with these negative energies?  We should express compassion for ourselves as well as others when wronged, but is compassion the same thing as validating blame?  Not at all!  Doling out fault must be stopped.  It is like cutting off your legs and trying to walk or closing your eyes and trying to see.  Believing that someone else is responsible for what we’ve been through, leaves us powerless.

As we begin letting go, we must realize that the ultimate goal is to see and view everyone-yes, everyone, as blameless!  Sounds hard to do?  I think it is for most of us.  However, divine love sees all of us as blameless, and we must being this process by first, seeing ourselves as blameless.  Next, we can see others, the circumstances in our lives and the entire universe as exempt from fault.  This may be a long-term process, but pointing the finger dramatically restricts our initiative to live productive, healthy long-term lives.

Sometimes we do truly blame ourselves.  “If only I would have chosen a different career path,” someone laments.  “I’d be so much happier now.”  “Why didn’t I finish school back then because now it’s too late,” someone questions in regret? 

Please don’t do this to yourself.  We never really know just what the plan of the higher universe truly is.  Our ego may think we know, but do we really ever know…?  By trusting that the universe IS on our side, we will criticize ourselves less.

With a guilty verdict, it is like boxing yourself into a corner with no way out.  If it’s my fault, your fault, God’s fault, or because of circumstances beyond our control, how can we trust in each day to live?  We must release the debilitating effects of blame to divine love and cleanse these feelings. 

It is no one’s fault - it is all right now - all things do indeed happen for a divine reason - we are all going to be OK!  Affirm daily; I am blameless, everyone I’ve ever known is blameless, as God and the universe are eternally on my side, watching out for me and providing me with endless happiness!

Self Pity - Bitterness

Sometimes we hear someone saying that they’re going to throw themselves a little pity party, a sad celebration, wallowing in “singing the blues” for just a while.  It may sound cute or endearing, sort of like staying home from school with a little flu bug while mom takes care of you when you’re a child…

But in reality, a pity party is hardly a celebration - it is a decline into the feeling of being a victim which leads to resentment - then to “life is totally unfair” which segues into righteous indignation- leading to the ultimate angry question, why haven’t things ever turned out right for me?  It finally climaxes with a shriek of, “Whoever is up there calling the shots is a dirty rotten %&$*!”

What we see here is that self-pity is an emotion that leads us into a steady downward spiral, like a snowball rolling down the side of a mountain.  The momentum systematically leads us to a sense of bitterness and with that bitterness, it is awfully hard to get up and face the world with a smile.  In reality, it is actually hard to function at all if self-pity and bitterness have been present in our lives for many years, even decades.  As mentioned above regarding other negative emotions, things get worse.

But strangely, self-pity and bitterness become our “friends,” providing a negative payoff, a false comfort zone if you will, like a womb, pacifier or blanket of negativity. You might ask why anyone would want to hold onto or embrace such emotions.  Because self-pity allows one to feel sorry for themselves, which exonerates them from self examination or responsibility for all that has happened.  In that sense, they are not at fault.  It becomes safe to “cry in one’s beer,” and wallow.  This way, one doesn’t have to try, fail, risk being foolish, getting their hopes up only to be disappointed… In short, it is emotionally quite safe and perversely comfortable to live in self-pity.

Yes, we’ve all done it, and we must feel empathy with anyone who has done it or is doing it.  Whatever any of us may feel about another, don’t judge them for what they feel, as they are indeed going through something.  In my experience as a reader, I have found that anyone who has held onto feeling sorry for themselves long enough always becomes bitter, sooner or later.

What do we do then?  How do we reprogram our minds and emotions to transform ourselves from declining in self-pity to living in victory?  We must first pronounce that we are at peace with all that has happened before and be thankful for whatever good came out of every situation.  Here is a strong affirmation: All that has happened before in my life has been for my highest good and I am now at peace with my past!  I thank God for my life!

By neutralizing the darkness of the past, we begin to let go of identification with self-pity, which allows us to move into a fulfilling journey and toward freedom.

And it’s always important to try our best to come to a sense of resolution in a positive way with out current experiences.  We are reprogramming our reactive mind and emotions.  Sure, certain things are not going to go our way.  Guess what - that’s OK!  We are going to work toward finding whatever lessons and growth that comes out of all in our lives!  Through having an open and positive mind, we begin to see, feel, embrace and ultimately experience life for its absolute greater good!  Don’t ever see yourself as the victim again — see yourself as the triumphant winner - blessed with endless and eternal miracles!

In next week’s blog entry, I will conclude this writing with “Working Through Negative Emotions (Part 2),” focusing on the following emotions: Cynicism, Criticism, Revenge, Resentment & Rage, and Hopelessness.

Topic: Being at peace with the holiday season!
Goal: To experience this holiday season as a positive, peaceful, joyous and miraculous experience.

I am emotionally and spiritually at peace with this holiday season!

In my former blog entry; “10 things that make or break a relationship (Part 1),” I mentioned, “We are often conditioned to believe that temporary relationships are somehow not really worth investing into at all.”  In retrospect, I felt that it would be pertinent to write an entire blog entry on the sole topic of temporary relationships: what they mean, their often misunderstood and overlooked value, what we ultimately learn from them and how they play into the bigger collective picture of our love lives.

“Jim, when am I going to meet my soul mate,” a client questions?  “I’m tired of not meeting Mr. Right, so where is he?”  Often, my clients express complete frustration with where their love lives have been and what they’ve already been through.  By the time they ask me the above-mentioned question, they are feeling at the end of their rope.  It’s as if they’ve woken up with the house on fire, and need a fire extinguisher ASAP!

So many of us dream of meeting Mr. or Ms. Right when we are teenagers, even younger oftentimes, but most of the time, your permanent partner will not be the first person you love.  How many of us fall in love with our high school sweet heart, get married, have kids and ride off into the sunset and stay together till death do us part?  Very few of us… 

It is obvious that most of us don’t realize that a relationship will be temporary at the time when we enter into it.  Hardly anyone would fall in love, all the while thinking that it’s never going to work out in the end.  In spite of our best efforts along with all of the emotionalism that comes with a deep relationship, the love that feels so utterly irreplaceable, real and permanent at the time, does not last.

Certain relationships are not spiritually meant to last forever, regardless of how intense we feel at the time.  We often equate intensity with permanence, as if they are one and the same - but they are not necessarily so.  How often have all of us seem someone who thought they had found THE ONE, only later to be dealing with the shattered emotions that come with a break up?  Most, if not all of us.  And while many relationships are not going to last, there are those that ARE destined to be forever and are spiritually / karmically agreed to be the final conclusion of our love lives. 

However, getting there is often much more complex than we could have ever imagined when we engaged in our first romantic kiss.  The important thing is to learn from our temporary relationships.  It’s vital to see the value of how each and every partnership, no matter how bad it seemed at the time, taught us very valuable lessons; lessons that may be critical in being able to truly be prepared for when the right person comes into our lives down the road.

Through relationships that don’t work out, we learn to see what we really need, as opposed to what we thought we needed.  Someone may initially believe that nothing would mean more to them than just sitting at home in a glow of domestic bliss, side by side with their partner.  But as different relationships don’t last, this same person begins to realize that they are more independent than they taught; they still want the partnership, but also, their own sense of space as well.  This awareness can only come through the various experiences in relationships that don’t ultimately last, but do teach us.

Some women may possibly need at least one failed relationship, possibly more, before entering into a lifelong commitment.  Why? To not be jealous, not be clingy and to love him more and need him less. 

If a woman is jealous, that energy can manifest itself is many different ways: over attention he gives to female friends - even male friends for that matter, jealousy over him not wanting to spend every possible moment with her, resentful of other hobbies and activities he may have as well as any close relationships he has with someone other than her; even his own family.

If a woman is clingy, it suffocates the partnership through:  needing constant emotional reassurance along with unreasonable and unrealistic feelings of insecurity.  Losing herself in the partnership through clinginess makes her have less to contribute to the union and will wear down the person she is involved with.

“To need him less and love him more” elevates the relationship to a higher level.  Putting love ahead of need means that it is far less likely for a woman to lean too much on the relationship, but more probable that she will allow him to have a sense of space, (the space I’m referring to here is breathing room and the ability for a partner to have a healthy sense of freedom within a commitment).

On the opposite end of the spectrum, a man may also need one or more failed relationships to be able to commit to a permanent union.  If we ask “why” for a woman, then we should also ask the same “why” for a man; To learn communication, consideration, and get past infidelity, if it is an issue.

When two people are newly in love, communication can seem unnecessary, and somehow there is the illusion that it will all simply take care of itself.  Men often don’t communicate their feelings: what they need, emotionally feel and what they want.  Learning to communicate is not learned over night, of course and through one or more failed partnerships, a man can learn to be more and more verbally expressive and receptive.

Is the concept of men in general being inconsiderate biological or cultural?  I certainly feel that it is cultural, but regardless, men are thought of as the privileged gender; and with that privilege comes inconsideration, as if a man is king.  When entering a relationship, a man may be inconsiderate: their feelings and needs come first, the woman is there to serve him, what he wants is more important that what she wants and we have sex when he has the desire to do so.  But through temporary relationships, a man learns to be considerate; little by little and often, it is a painstaking process, as letting go of selfish habits takes diligence, time and consistency.

If a man has cheating tendencies, he needs to get it out of his system before entering a permanent union.  Imagine the regrets if a man ruined his ultimate relationship by cheating on her through his carelessness and immaturity.  Hopefully, one can learn from their mistakes, grow in responsibility and move toward fidelity. 

Just like in assertiveness training classes, an instructor would tell you to start learning to take charge in your life with very small things; like dealing with receiving the correct amount of change from a clerk at a grocery store as opposed to asking your boss for a raise.  In the same way that Rome wasn’t built in a day, it’s important to know that we learn bit by bit through each and every one of our lovers; what they teach us and vice versa.  Would you really want to try and learn from scratch with your life partner?  That would be virtually impossible to do.  The relationships before the final commitment prepare us, as shown above.

Relationships do not come with an instructional or training manual.  We learn as we love and as we experience.  There are lessons in every relationship that must be taught, than can only be indeed taught by the two people involved.  There is that great spiritual phrase “No one is your enemy, no one if your friend, everyone is your teacher.”  We learn from every union we will ever be in and from a higher perspective, what we learn sets us up to enter into a permanent relationship.  Just like we learn to ad before we do division and divide before taking on algebra, every lover helps us to become who we will ultimately end up being.

Review your past relationships and ask yourself, “What have I learned from everyone I have been with?”  The way they look now is most likely much different that the way they looked years or decades ago. 

At the time a woman may have thought that Bob was the only person for her; there were no ifs ands or buts about it; Bob was the one!  Well, Bob turned out to be a cheater and went so far as to even have had sex with her best friend.  Now, Bob doesn’t look so good after all.  But what did Bob teach her?  Perhaps to not be so myopic and rigid regarding how she views her lovers.  It’s better to be open minded, versus proclaiming an attitude that says, “He’s the one - end of story!”  She may have also learned to not give her trust so freely and easily, as she only knew Bob for a few weeks before she dove in headfirst. 

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard clients as well as friends thank God for not ending up with the person they were once with; and never forget that those endings lead to other options. That old concept of “When one door closes, another door immediately opens,” is very pertinent to these types of commitments that didn’t ultimately last.

Sometimes the intensity of the sexual attraction between new lovers changes everything; it is as if that physical connection becomes like an addictive drug.  In that state of mind, it appears as if there will never be, or need to be anyone else.  But after the sexual excitement tapers off a bit, and there’s nothing else much more there than the animalistic connection, the relationship is seen for what it is. 

And what it IS isn’t bad at all; it is just not permanent.  Again, we learn from these types of relationships as we always do.  I’ve heard many men state how much they were initially so turned on by the act of making love with a particular woman, but in looking back, realize that there was not much else there: no real communication, no common values and no real spiritual values shared either.  The chemistry did the trick, hypnotizing us to think what we’re feeling is so more than it really is. 

It reminds me of how certain actors meet on a movie set; film love scenes together and suddenly get married.  They experienced this energy; albeit it on camera, but by the mere fact that they shared this experience, it opened the door for them to suddenly have a rush of emotions and get married.  Occasionally, one of these relationships works, but for the most part, divorce is usually soon to come.

Don’t take it all too seriously.  If you still want someone from the past, look at him or her for who and what they were.  Chances are, if you look at it with clear vision, you’ll realize that you’re far better off without them.

However, that doesn’t mean that the pain wasn’t real.  What you felt was real.  It’s not just as simple for any of us to chalk it all up to the proverbial learning experience and walk away scott free.  But we need to attune ourselves to the right perspective and release the pain.  Looking at the past in a non-attached, non-emotional way helps us to do just that.

Never forget, though, that a failed marriage or a failed relationship does not spell F-A-I-L-U-R-E!  We cannot try to live up to the perfectionist ideals that state every marriage must be forever - meaning no divorce, ever.  How does anyone know what was agreed to on a deeper soul level by two individuals?  What are they here to teach each other?  There are always lessons to learn and often, many people’s first marriage was the “dress rehearsal,” so to speak, to meeting their perfect life partner, the “main performance,” one could say.

Just like life is a river and completely integrates and blends together, every relationship we’ve ever been through becomes a part of the entire collective of our love lives.  What we learn from all of our temporary relationships is priceless, positive and necessary for us to move forward to meet the right lifelong partner for us.  From hurt, to heartache, to growth, to being humbled, to becoming better people, to learning to make better choices, to learning who we are and what we truly need… as our growth continues… We do ultimately find and unite with the person we are truly supposed to be with - the person who completes us and we complete on a deep and cosmically profound level — as perfectly designed, created and timed by infinite spirit.