Voice of the Spirit

There’s this old joke that goes like this:

A pious man was caught in a flood and the water was creeping upwards as he sat in his house. He prayed and prayed that God would save him. When the water was approaching the porch, someone in a truck drove up, and offered him a ride. He said, “No, God will save me.”

As the water crept over the porch, a boat came by and a young man shouted for him to get in. Once again, the pious man said, “No, God will save me.”

A short while later, now perched atop his roof, he saw a helicopter fly by, trying to rescue him. Once again, he refused, saying, “No, God will save me.” He then drowned.

Arriving in heaven, he met the glorious God Almighty. The man’s first question of God was, “Lord, why didn’t You save me?” And God replied, “My son, I tried saving you three times! I sent a truck, a boat, and a helicopter! What more did you want?”

The story’s point is obvious:  The man was so busy waiting for God to save him in a miraculous way, that he ignored the help he was being sent. It’s food for thought: Is the universe sending something to help you that you’re not seeing?

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We are most likely all quite familiar with the old mainstay of: “Actions speak louder than words.”  In fact, we’ve all probably heard it a million times before.  This statement can refer to anyone who claims through their words to care for us so very much, but doesn’t really back up those assertions through their actions and in the way that they treat us. Family members make promises of offering emotional and financial support, then renege, or at least fall short via their actions.  Friends can promise to listen to your troubles when you’re going through a tough time, then not follow through, and let those promises just fade away through their actions.  In these scenarios, we see ourselves, as well as the other parties involved, illustrating this old mainstay, both playing out one piece of this two-part puzzle.

But what if we look at: “Actions speak louder than words” from the perspective of only one person carrying out both the actions and the words?  One person plays out both roles.  There is no love interest or another party involved – just you and your relationship to yourself.  Is what you’re doing really the same thing as what you’re saying?  And if not, why?

So many examples come to mind when we think of our actions speaking louder than our words:  “I want a real relationship with a wonderful man,” a woman claims.  However, she only dates married, involved or unattainable men.  Obviously, her actions don’t match the claim of her words.

“I really want to be thin,” a man declares.  However, he overeats daily, and refuses to modify his eating habits to lose weight. 

“I want to be a great success in my career,” a young man boldly proclaims.  In reality, though, he is lazy, wants something for nothing, and doesn’t work hard in his career at all.

Most people don’t really try and look at their underlying issues and problems, which create and perpetuate this dichotomy.  However, it is absolutely crucial to get to the bottom of why our actions and words are not the same, if we ever want to be successful in life.

Not understanding your emotional buttons

Often, we just may not know what our emotional triggers are.  We could believe that somehow our issues are not because of us, but just the luck of the draw.  You know the old clichés:  “Some of us are lucky and some of us aren’t.”  “Life really sucks.”  “Things just don’t work out for me.”   

As mentioned above, this woman could merely think that she can’t control who she chooses to love; it just happens.  It’s like the concepts of:  “I got bit by the love bug” or “Love is blind.”  Without taking responsibility for her choices in love (as of course they are always her choices), her actions and words remain at odds with each other.

With that mindset, she won’t heal her romantic life as she is caught in a pattern.  It doesn’t matter that she isn’t aware of such a pattern.  It still creates the reality of bringing her the same type of men over and over again.  She may not understand her mechanisms, yet she must learn to do so if she wishes to change her situation and manifest her dream of a successful romantic relationship.  In this instance, what she really wants,  to only be with men who are married, involved, or unattainable, contradicts what she says,  “I want a real relationship.”  Since she doesn’t know any better, she needs to make the journey of self-discovery to come to terms with what she really feels – not just fall back on what she verbally claims to feel. 

Here are the reasons for her conflict:  She has a strong fear of commitment, which is based on witnessing her parents viciously fight throughout her childhood.  Then when she was 18, her parent’s marriage ended in a nasty divorce and nothing was ever resolved between her mother and father.  This experience of her first 18 years, laid the foundation for her tremendous fear of commitment (which she is unaware of). 

Within her emotions (which represent her actions), commitment equals violence, fighting, torture and imprisonment.  Therefore, she will avoid commitment at all costs and do all she can to only magnetize to and attract men who will not and can not ever give her that commitment.  This way, she stays safe.

One couldn’t tell her to just stop being attracted to the men who she currently desires  – that wouldn’t work.  She needs to first end these relationships to no longer feed the old patterns.  Then, she should work to emotionally come to a place of inner peace with the way her parent’s marriage and divorce shaped and affected her.  By achieving peace with her past, she will naturally move away from wanting married, involved, or unattainable men.   Her attractions will shift toward a better person for her through her healing.  By learning to understand herself, she will now know better emotionally (not just mentally, as represented by her words).  This helps her to manifest her dream of a successful love life.

How big is your denial?

A person in denial is someone who lies to themselves, rationalizes, knows the truth, but refuses to deal with it or face it.  It is usually quite obvious to others when we’re in denial.  Often, our denial is so blatant, that others are in disbelief that we’re actually in it and don’t choose to see it ourselves.

Regarding the man who claims he wants to be thin, yet overeats daily, it would seem obvious to most of us what he is doing.  “Just stop overeating.  Then, you’ll begin to lose the weight,” a friend remarks.  But remember, the man who overeats daily is not willing to acknowledge his own denial.  Why? Because he doesn’t choose to — because he doesn’t want to.  In short, he still wants to overeat.

But by claiming through his words that he wants to lose weight, it actually allows him to keep overeating.  Why?  It’s as if his words indicate that he is attempting to lose weight, even though he is not trying to do so at all.  And if he’s supposedly trying, how can he be criticized?  He could always turn around and say to someone who sheds light on his eating habits, “I’m trying to lose weight and sure I make mistakes, as I’m not perfect. But I’m trying.  Don’t you have issues and problems, too?”  Here, his words also provide a defense.

The words provide a safe hiding place for his actions (to continue overeating), because, with his words, he is saying the right thing.  In this instance, if he stops the words, there is nothing to hide the very obvious reality that he chooses to keep overeating daily and gain weight, so the words serve as the perfect smokescreen.

People can deny anything they want to, and through their words, keep what they’re in denial about going.  I remember a female client who claimed that she wanted more than anything to catch her husband cheating, and then, she would divorce him.  However, when she finally walked in on him in bed with another woman, she denied that there was any sex involved: “They were just laying there and talking,” she said.  So she really didn’t want what her words so boldly stated, as she stayed married to him (as represented by her actions).

We must no longer use words to facilitate our own denial.  If we’re not doing (in our actions) what we’re claiming we want to do through our words, we must immediately start to look at our real motives and intentions, which are always shown by our actions and choices.  By doing so, our actions and words can begin to work in harmony and together.

When fear provides a covert mission

We fight so hard to silence our fears…Often, we don’t know what we’re afraid of, and frequently have no idea of what we’re actually scared of.  This may sound like the craziest thing you’ve ever read, because we all think of fear as anxiety, panic, a fast heartbeat, sweating, raw terror, shaking in our boots, and running for cover – as something we could never not know.  Certainly we think of fear as something we would always be aware of – like how could we not hear a deafeningly loud siren going off?  So how does it make sense to say that we would not even be aware of an energy we’ve felt as so tremendously overwhelming?

Some fears are quite well disguised and well hidden.  These emotional/psychological fears are designed to operate in our inner reality in such a way that we don’t ever know that they are there – at all.  And that is the purpose and covert mission of such fears.  They carefully architect and build walls and defenses within us, deigned to protect us from danger (in these instances, emotional/psychological danger).  Internal brick walls are created and built through our own emotional pain:  resentment, hurt, anger, rage, fear, and any negative emotions we carry. 

This way, our words will indicate what we want on the surface, but our actions (which represent our covert fears), will make sure to not let the request of our words ever come to fruition.  This can occur in many ways: 

1.  Through building walls so thick within us that our verbal requests do not have an open door to manifest in our lives,
2.  To remove and eliminate anything or anyone that threatens these fears,
3.  Avoiding situations and circumstances that challenge the territorial stronghold of these fears, and
4.  Making choices that are self destructive to us.

Regarding the man who verbally claimed he wanted to be successful in his career, his fear of success was the covert fear than undermined him time and time again.  This fear came from a deep seated feeling of inadequacy within him, and not feeling worthy of success as he believed he was “not good enough.”  So his covert fears did their best to assist him in destroying success in his career.

He would refuse to show up on time for work, and would always act as if he was just tied up with things, suggesting that his tardiness was excusable and benign.  He would argue regularly with his boss, ostensibly because he was trying to help the company, and standing up for his employee rights.  In addition, he would be unnecessarily argumentative with co coworkers, which made his co workers not like him at all.  When he had opportunities to legitimately advance within the company, he would drop the ball and not rise to the challenge; therefore, promotions were denied him.

Here we see that the fears within his subconscious mind and internal emotions were acting against his conscious interests, which were for him to be successful in his career.  These inner fears within him were controlling his actions from behind the scenes.  When I first brought this to his attention, he had no idea what I was talking about.

“Are you saying that I am actually sabotaging my own career?” he asked in shock.  My answer to him was, “Absolutely, yes.”  If you think of it, it makes perfect sense if you simply look at his actions.  Again, these fears are supposed to be hidden from conscious view – he is not supposed to know that they are there.  These fears function like a dysfunctional misguided sort of a guardian angel.

“Why would these fears need to be covert?,” you might ask.  Because if they are hidden from our conscious view, these fears are never healed, which means that they can continue to protect us, and here’s what happens:

• Our fears remain in control of us (and we stay emotionally “safe”).
• Our fears go unchallenged (and fear continues to be in control of our lives).
• Our fears cause us to shut down and make self-destructive choices (the longer the fears remain in our consciousness, the worse our lives become).

With covert fears, it is hard for us to determine the nature of the problem, where it begins and how it affects us.  With overt fears, you’re aware of them, so you’ll take steps to deal with them or merely practice avoidance.  If you’re afraid of flying, you won’t get on a plane, or you’ll take a pill to handle it, or if you’re afraid of elevators, you’ll take the stairs. However, with covert fears, they are hard to detect, as they are designed be hidden,;plus, they become a part of our inner make up and go unnoticed, in the same way we don’t pay attention to the functioning of our kidneys, or other organs.  So words provide the perfect cover, a masterful camouflage.

What my client needs to do is to see the conflict between his actions in his career, and his words.  With covert fears, it is a more complex and difficult puzzle to put together.  He, as with all of us, must look at the area or areas of our lives where we verbally say we want something, yet through our actions and choices, we manifest the opposite, or something different from what we verbally state.  By making the journey of uncovering our covert fears, we are set free to have our actions and words work in a unified way.

The result is chaos

Whether we mean it or not, the sum total of all of these actions, motives, feelings and reasons lead us down a path of conflict of confusion.  When we think of it, it’s easy to say the right thing.  Words are easy to come by – we’ve all heard the phrase “Talk is cheap.”  So many times, we use our words as a vehicle of avoidance and denial.  The words provide the illusion that we really mean what we say. 

However, in reality, if our actions don’t back up those words, there’s something wrong, and that is from within us.  And that has to do with the games we play on ourselves:

1. Sometimes we’re not aware or choose to not be aware of the inner conflicts we possess, so we stay in the dark, which perpetuates the conflict between our actions and our words. 
2. We don’t really emotionally want what we verbally claim we do, so the words disguise where we’re really coming from, as indicated by our actions. 
3. We are weak minded, and only want something for nothing, or what comes easily, so the “talk is cheap” cliché applies. 
4. Our fears are in control, and block us from manifesting dreams, or motivate us to only make bad choices, which are contrary to the positive words we state. 
5. We don’t want to face or acknowledge who we really are, as it is not flattering or complimentary to ourselves, so our words put a nice and false front on what we’re really doing.

Realize that with this game, no one wins – as it is us who most certainly lose.  After all, who’s getting fooled in the end?  The solution must come through a marriage of sorts – a partnership that works between our words and our actions, where they are no longer separated, or diametrically opposed to each other…

One and the same

We must work toward our actions and our words being one and the came – it is a tremendously important step for us to achieve on a spiritual level.  When we are in conflict – when we are duplicitous, it is literally like taking two steps forward, then two steps backward.  As God created us in one single divine image, one of utter perfection and invincibility, we must work through all of our “stuff,” and all of our “issues,” with the sole intent of making our actions and our words no different from each other.  Just like we need to have our right leg work in harmony with our left leg, our mind, body and spirit to be on the same page regarding our overall health and well being, we must make our actions and words have a total commitment of unification to each other.

That comes from understanding who we are on a deeper level, coming out of denial, and uncovering our darkest and hard to detect fears.  This takes work, yet it is necessary.  Watch all that you choose and say with diligence and persistence, and observe where you fall short.  Keep uncovering the story of you – your inner workings and their complexities, as unweaving that most complex puzzle is your key.

As we work through this seemingly endless maze, we come to a place of completion, based on clarity, self-honesty, courage, diligence, oneness, simplicity and true purpose…And then, with our actions speaking no louder, no softer, no different — but rather, exactly the same as our words, our dreams will manifest in our lives.

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

Topic: Actions being the same as our words.
Goal: To unify what we verbally state as our intentions, with our actions.

My positive words are backed up by the choices I make every day!

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

I concluded Part 1 of “When self help doesn’t help” with the commitment to writing about why we refuse to heal, and what we need really do to change our negative qualities and behavioral patterns here in Part 2 of this two-part series. As stated in my last blog entry, all of the positive techniques of self-help and self-improvement we seek and utilize: Creative visualizations, affirmations, meditation, etc., do little or no good to improve our lives, unless we face, address, and heal the negativity in our lives – which comes solely from us.

We need to set ourselves free and manifest the lives we dream of – lives that are free from the limitations of the negativity which starts from within and externalizes in our lives! So why is it then, that we refuse to do just that for ourselves…? Does it make any sense for any of us to continue hurting ourselves, and those around us? Why do we get in the way of our own healing, and what must we do to make our lives legitimately successful? Below, I would like to address the reasons why we refuse to heal and change our lives for the better, and what we need to do to bring about positive growth and transformation.

It’s not flattering – Remember, facing our own negative qualities is never easy to do, and it certainly is not flattering to who we like to see ourselves as being. We all have our own self-image of ourselves, and that image is quite different than who we really are. Often, we don’t want to see the ugliness in us, as it doesn’t feel good, and it certainly is not flattering to call ourselves on the carpet for our own “stuff.” It’s even worse when someone else does this to us. How many of us like, or accept another person telling us something not good, or negative about ourselves?

“Don’t tell me that I’m not considerate of you. You always get your way, and we always do what YOU want,” John says to his girlfriend Cindy, who has just expressed her concerns to John regarding how he’s been treating her. However, in reality, it is John who has always been the inconsiderate one: The couple does what John feels like doing, goes where he wants to go, and he is the one who always makes the decisions in the relationship. Everything has to go John’s way, and Cindy complies, until she reaches the breaking point where she just can’t take it anymore. And when she addresses her concerns with John, it is like walking into a hornet’s nest. Why? Because what she is saying (although true), it is not at all flattering to the self-image John has created of himself. Therefore, he turns it all around and hurls it back on her.

Instead of legitimately considering what Cindy is saying, he immediately goes into a mode of attack, which for all intents and purposes, prevents him from healing, as he is refusing to see anyone else’s point of view – in this instance, his devoted girlfriend Cindy’s.

For him to become a better person, what he would need to do is to step outside of his inconsiderate, selfish and controlling ways and start looking at Cindy’s concerns with an open mind. What is she saying? Why is she saying it? John needs to ask himself if he has done these things to Cindy: “Have I been inconsiderate and selfish? Is everything about me?” Remember, it takes great courage to face these questions, as they are not at all flattering to who John perceives himself to be. However, he must heal these issues if he intends on really improving himself as a person. Coming to terms with his inconsiderateness, selfishness and changing his ways to truly consider Cindy’s needs will do infinitely more for his self-improvement than unlimited positive creative visualizations.

Life or death survival — Usually, we immediately go into a defensive mode when someone expresses their concerns to us regarding the negative way we have been treating them. When someone addresses such issues with us, it can trigger our fear of survival. In our own minds, it is as if someone is attacking our very ability to live and breathe. Our fear of staying alive is engaged.

This is a carry over from primitive times, when we really were always in danger of survival – ancient times, say, as when we were living in the jungle. Around every corner and at every turn, we could die – literally. This fear of survival was so deeply branded into our consciousness, that it is still present in our collective and individual psyches.

Today, we hardly face life and death situations and circumstances (as when we lived in the jungle), so this fear of survival is now applied and allocated to emotional and psychological issues: Power plays in the workplace, encroaching on our neighbor’s property, being emotionally confronted when being inconsiderate, feeling challenged when we are playing mind games, someone questioning us regarding our need to be in control, being threatened by emotional intimacy in a relationship, and the list goes on and on…

That’s how fear works – it is always about survival. When someone confronts us about who we are or what we’ve done, it is a reflexive knee jerk reaction that frequently takes place within us. We must defend ourselves!!! But it is this very defensiveness that prevents us from healing our lives. We won’t really grow as long as we need to see ourselves in a light that is only designed to make us feel warm and fuzzy about ourselves. It is paramount that we must be willing and open to see our actions, choices, thoughts and deeds for the negativity and ugliness that they are.

If we just continue to react, as if someone has literally just pulled a gun on us, we won’t be able to even begin to grasp what we need to do to heal our lives. What we should do is to observe ourselves if and when we feel like we’re going to overreact in an inappropriate way, and instead, step back, take a deep breath, and NOT react. All of the self help books in the world won’t matter, as long as we react like we’re fighting to stay alive – simply through inappropriate triggers, based on our interactions with others in our day to day lives.

“Would you stop emailing me and leave me alone,” Joanne shrieks at her new boyfriend? “I’ll get back to you when I have time, OK,” she fires back in an email response! Here, the real reason as to why Joanne is reacting this way is not because she is busy or because she has things to do; it is based on her fear of survival.

Joanne was recently divorced, and now feels that commitment equals being in a prison (even though she won’t acknowledge that fact). As she felt trapped in a miserable marriage for twenty years, now her fear of closeness and commitment is as strong as a wild animal of the jungle who is afraid of being caged. In her fearful mind, she has been set free (through her divorce from an emotionally imprisoning marriage), and does not want to get trapped again. Joanne reacted disproportionately and therefore, showed her true colors – that she is afraid, in fact, terrified. “Of exactly what,” you might question? Of intimacy and commitment.

So when her new boyfriend Steve emailed her several times as he hadn’t heard from her and was worried about her, she attacked him like a wild animal who had been backed into a corner. Was Steve being pesty? No, not at all, as he and Joanne had been communicating multiple times daily for 10 weeks, and now, he hadn’t heard back from her in 9 days. It would make perfect sense as to why he was concerned.

So what does Joanne do then? Should she just continue reacting in this way, time and time again? Of course not. Joanne needs to stop overreacting, and begin observing her behavior honestly, without blinders on, or the following mental scapegoats: “I don’t want to be bothered right now — I’m in a bad mood – He’s too smothering,” etc. These scapegoats only obfuscate the real issues at play, which is her fear of intimacy and commitment, plain and simple.

All of the positive affirmations she could say will not really help her, as her issue is how her fear of survival is connected and bound to her intimate relationships; based on what she had been through in her marriage and divorce. Now, she must face it, address it and heal it, if she really is committed to self-improvement.

The big payoff – When we engage in negative behavior, we often like to make excuses: “I’m the victim — I’ve been wronged before — I don’t know why I did it — I didn’t mean to — It’s your fault.” These rationalizations may sound quite generic, because they are. These excuses don’t begin to explain the real answers as to why we engage in and perpetuate bad behavior. In reality, there are always reasons as to why we act in certain ways – and those reasons constitute an emotional psychological payoff for us – often, a big ugly payoff.

In the same way we do things based on our positive needs, such as eating to stay alive; we also do things based on our negative needs, such as certain husbands who cheat on their wives for their own sense of ego, excitement and recreation. Needs, whether positive or negative, always seek to be nourished.

“I met this young hot girl who was flirting with me, and I just had to go for it,” Jerry says. “I’m not getting divorced; this was just a fun thing, you know, to make me feel good, and to get a little wild.” Here, Jerry receives a big payoff; one that is ripe with negativity, but nonetheless, a payoff: Needing to inflate his ego, excitement, and wanting to feel a sense of adventure. These motives are not ones that most of us would consider endearing – yet they do explain Jerry’s payoff.

Keep in mind that we are conditioned to think of “our needs” as somehow being synonymous with something that is healthy or good for us as well as others. In actuality, needs can be either positive or negative as mentioned above, yet most of us don’t like to think of the payoff we’re receiving in negative terms. If we see the payoff as negative, then we can’t justify continuing to engage in bad behavior that is harmful to ourselves and others. In the short of it, doing the negative stuff feels good to us in some way, or we wouldn’t keep doing it.

Bullies, whether children or adults, love to physically hurt others. They get off on it. Their fist doesn’t just inadvertently fly into some other person’s face randomly. It is on purpose, and creates a big payoff: Feeling powerful, establishing superiority and dominance, intimidating others, feeling in control, and releasing their anger and hostility onto others, which makes them feel relieved as they’ve unloaded their anger on someone else and therefore, have vented their frustrations. All of these motives are quite ugly, yet they are real for those who engage in this type of activity, as it creates a big payoff.

With the example of an emotional psychological payoff, we get something out of our negative behavior – a dark reward prize. So how do we convince people in this mindset to go change their ways? Should we recommend that they end their big payoff? Think of it, how can we make the case to go from something (even though it is not good) to nothing? That won’t work. What we need to do, is to replace the negative payoff with a positive payoff. One that helps others and enriches everyone’s lives!

So if someone is working on self-help, they must begin to redirect their negative payoffs to positive ones. First, acknowledging what they’re doing without blinders on is the initial step. Then, they must systematically redirect their choices from bad to good – and that won’t be easy. However, it must be done. Meditating all day long will do very little good, if one continues to seek and indulge in negative payoffs in their life. By building on positive payoffs, legitimate self-improvement will occur.

It takes hard work – A lot of people think of self-help in a very superficial way: Say some affirmations, burn some candles, do a few cleansings and you’re in business. However, the real self-improvement we seek through self help is hard work and not accomplished overnight. As I said in last week’s newsletter, it’s where you separate the men from the boys, metaphorically – those who work hard versus those who are looking for a quick and easy fix. And it’s all about facing the worst qualities you have, and tackling them head on. In the same way you couldn’t lose 50 pounds in a week, it takes consistent and diligent effort to really improve ourselves.

“Ok Jim, I know I’ve dated some rotten losers, but now I want the right man for me, so where is he? I did some affirmations and visualizations, and I’m ready to meet Mr. Right,” a client impatiently states. Here, we see that this person is looking for a quick fix, but is she really willing to do any real work to manifest her heart’s desire? Coming to terms with why she liked bad men, and reprogramming her needs and desires to now be healthy are things that she needs to do for herself. Our emotional natures do not change overnight and must be healed and redirected by hard work throughout time.

Not just in this client’s case, but for all of us, there is no quick fix to truly self improve. This is exactly why people who only approach self-help from a superficial level simply don’t get there. The real key is to be prepared for hard work – and know that diligent and consistent effort really does help you to manifest your dreams, more than any amount of aura cleansings will. If you take it one simple day at a time, you’ll get there.

The ego gets attached – When we look at the reasons why we don’t really improve when working on self-help, one of the most overlooked issues is how our egos get attached to certain things – in this instance, negative things. The ego likes to have its way, and get what it wants – and it is stubborn and resistant to growth. So whatever negative qualities our ego is attached to, creates problems for us. We may be into lying, because we like getting away with things and fooling people, or arguing with others to prove that we are right. Many of us like winning at everything and can’t accept losing – even at something as basic as checkers. But when the ego is in the way, our attempts at self-help prove to be of little or no value.

George is a man who always has to be right. He’ll argue over politics, religion, and just about anything at all. With this mindset, he never listens or learns – he just keeps trying to force his self-righteous opinions (falsely stated as facts) upon others. “Don’t tell me who will be the right president. I already know, and I will tell you,” George exclaims! When someone else states an opposing point of view, George immediately cuts them off, while dismissing their insights as hogwash. “Oh you don’t know what you’re talking about, and you’re wrong as wrong can be,” George firmly states.

So here, George refuses to listen and learn, which only strengthens the density and darkness of his ego. If he ever wishes to take advantage of his efforts to improve his life, he must first learn to build his reality without the ugliness of his ego. Not just in George’s case, but for all of us, this is something we all must do, as removing this aspect of the ego opens infinite doors to self-improvement.

Be self-honest — When we are engaging in negative behavior, we hardly want to acknowledge such behaviors for what they are. Instead, we try and keep it all hidden, rationalized, and disguised. Why? Because, then the negative behavior does not have to be healed or changed and we still get to do what it is that we want to do. Meaning, the negative payoff we are receiving can still keep paying dividends to us. In cut to the chase terms, we won’t have to grow or truly change. Often, excuses can provide a distraction from looking at the real issues.

“I’m working on myself and I’m sorry that I’m not perfect, but I’m trying,” a woman says. “I do yoga and go to therapy.” But here, this woman is also engaging in an extra marital affair behind her husband’s back with her best friend’s husband. She is not addressing this issue and not being self-honest about it at all. She isn’t discussing it in therapy, or trying to stop the affair. She just thinks that by going to therapy and doing yoga that somehow she will improve as a person.

We must work at being self-honest, and calling a spade a spade. This requires removing the blinder and justifications, and looking at ourselves, and our actions in a very sobering way. It is like splashing cold water in your face early in the morning. It can be quite startling.

We must regularly question our motives, and keep probing as to why we do what we do – over and over again, especially when we hurt ourselves and others. We must think of real self-improvement very much like peeling away the layers of an onion. It is a long and involved process. All of the self-help techniques in the world will not help us to heal, while we are still engaging in negative and destructive behaviors. We must work at being self-honest, which is a vital key to real self-help and self-improvement.

Don’t be offended – Don’t be offended by seeing yourself in ways that are not flattering. Remember, we are all flawed, and that’s OK! Don’t hold on to a defensive stance like a person who can never be confronted about anything. We have all known that type of individual. They’ll blow up and counterattack you for anything you say, unless it is exactly what they want to hear. Don’t be that that way, as you’ll make yourself and others utterly miserable.

There are many psychological / emotional reasons as to why we don’t deal with our own “stuff.” It is not flattering to face one’s own demons. To acknowledge that we are engaging in ugly or negative behavior without any excuses or rationalizations can make us look like a “bad person.” So, instead, we choose to avoid such seemingly self-incriminating thoughts and perceptions.

But we shouldn’t think of ourselves as bad people – we don’t need to look at ourselves as if we have been branded with a “bad person” branding iron right across the forehead, no matter what our issues are. A negative issue should be looked at enthusiastically as something we need to heal. Don’t let any negative possibility of who you are and what you’ve done offend you, as there is absolutely nothing to be offended about.

“Let the person without sin throw the first stone,” is a great Biblical phrase of truth. I would like to take it even further: We have all reincarnated more times than we can count and all of us have all done horrible things, yes – just awful things — worse than we could now imagine. We have all committed murder – that’s right, every one of us has killed, as we all have performed unconscionable acts in one lifetime or another…

So let’s drop the vanity, armor, defenses, ego and walls that prevent others from addressing their concerns with our negative behavior toward them, and look at who we are from an honest perspective – one that allows us to really achieve the self-improvement we have struggled to manifest for so long.

Really look in the mirror – Let’s take a look at the woman mentioned above who was betraying her husband through an extra marital affair with her best friend’s husband. She didn’t address the affair in therapy and avoided a real opportunity for growth. If she is really committed to self improvement, she should bring this subject up with her therapist and attempt to get to the bottom of the reasons as to why she was doing this. As therapy can indeed be a tool for transformation, she needs to take this opportunity for self help by really looking in the mirror.

“Why am I betraying my husband? Why am I also betraying my best friend? What am I trying to accomplish through this affair? Why won’t I stop the affair? What are my real motives for doing this?” These are the questions she should be looking to answer.

Of course her first response will be that she’s attracted to her best friend’s husband and can’t help it. But she cannot stop there. She must work to getting to the core of her real motivations and own them without excuses.

She is bored with her husband as he presents no challenge to her, and therefore, wants excitement in her life. She also feels competitive with her best friend. What better way would there be to win, and flex her muscle against this friend, then by having an affair with her husband. It is an ultimate display of power and victory, in the darkest way. She won’t let the affair go as she is too wrapped up into the ego gratification of: winning, excitement, getting away with it, being in control, and like a master manipulator, the one who’s calling all of the shots.

Through her acknowledging these facts, she can begin to use the tools for self help (in this instance, therapy), to really help herself grow as a person, and truly change her life for the better!

In conclusion – In the same way you wouldn’t perform surgery on yourself blindfolded, you must open your eyes and look truthfully at yourself when using self help tools and techniques. These tools for transformation are only useful if you’re really willing to look in the mirror and face your demons – not sweep them under the rug and avoid them. We must be willing to make a deep commitment to unlocking the truth, through making a journey within that is not light and fluffy, but deep, real and life altering.

Also, please do not view looking at, addressing and healing your negative issues and qualities as being a punitive process. You are not being punished, but rather, becoming enlightened and healed! The long and endless journey of discovering you is perhaps the greatest journey of all – one that will help you to be a better being for all of eternity. The more you understand and heal yourself, the more you will gain universal knowledge of everything under the sun. The pathway to enlightenment through self-help is one of facing and healing the ugliest and darkest parts of ourselves. It is removing the negative that helps to set us free, not merely adding positive on top of what is already negative. That does virtually nothing.

Whatever our worst qualities are, God loves us unconditionally. But that is not enough… We must make the journey to always become closer to the image God has created us in – one of not just talking the talk, but walking the walk – and we do that by facing, addressing, and healing all that is dark, ugly and negative within us – and that work will transform our lives for the better — forever.

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

Topic: Being committed to a positive life
Goal: To no longer live a life that comes up short and holds us back, based on a lack of growth and commitment from ourselves.

I am now committed to manifesting the positive life that is mine by divine right!

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

In Part 1 of this writing, I will attempt to shed light on when and why self help doesn’t work.  So many of us have tried to improve our lives for so long, and still end up coming short.  But there are reasons why…

In recent decades, self-help, spirituality, therapy, and inner healing have all become tools for transformation that an increasing number of people have utilized.  As we look at where things are at now, we often forget how it used to be.  Fifty to sixty years ago, most people did not do creative visualizations or go to see a therapist.  A person who went to a therapist was considered, more or less, to be “crazy.”  With that stigmatization, many people denied themselves the help they may have desperately needed, and just hobbled through life, often in a destructive downward spiral.  However, nowadays, it is commonplace for people to go to see a psychologist or psychiatrist; in fact, there hardly seems to be any stigmatization whatsoever regarding being in therapy any more.  It is even often seen as admirable:  “Look at him, he’s trying to heal his issues,” many would say about a man in counseling.

Meditation, self help books and seminars, new age philosophy and workshops, all designed to help you become a better you, have now become a huge worldwide industry.  Once considered a fringe or “out there” kind of a thing decade’s prior, these tools for transformation are now regarded as a “normal” part of our society.  People often try everything: from yoga to meditation, reading multiple self-help books, therapy, affirmations, visualizations, to attending seminars. 

But why is it then, that so many people find themselves coming up utterly short and still being terribly frustrated after working so long and hard on themselves?  Why are their lives not functioning or working anywhere near the degree that they want them do – even after years or decades of working on “getting there?”  Why doesn’t self help work for them?

The main reason why most people who work on self improvement don’t manifest the life they want, is that while they’re attempting to manifest the positive, they simultaneously refuse to face, deal with and heal the negative.  I am referring here to their own negativity, which comes from within.  If this negativity is not faced head on, addressed and healed, the attempts at manifesting a positive life will prove to produce little or no results.  Working on the positive does not in and of itself replace the negative, as these issues must be directly healed, if one really wants to manifest a better journey.

It would be like having cancer, and working on producing beautiful and smooth skin.  What would improving your skin have to do with healing the cancer within?  Even worse, by ignoring it, the cancer will most certainly spread.  Think of it like the old Biblical concept:  A house built on sinking sand will never last.  If the foundation within us is negative, whatever we try and build on it (in this instance, a positive life), will certainly sink.

In the short of it, we must face and heal our own worst qualities, which cripple ourselves, others, and prevent us from manifesting our dreams.  Keep in mind that I am not referring here to egregious crimes that certain people commit.  Hardly any of us engage in such crimes as: Assault, murder, child molestation, and armed robbery.  Statistically, most of us will never be arrested. 

I’m speaking of the negativity that starts within us which affects all aspects of our journey both internally and externally – our relationship to ourselves, and how we treat others.  And yes, it is quite ugly, even though these qualities are usually socially acceptable – or at the very least, tolerated in society.  Keep in mind that all of these qualities help to prevent us from growing spiritually and reaching our dreams.  Each one of these examples illustrated below, will hinder us from self-improvement.  Here, I would like to further define and illustrate the negativity I’ve been touching on above:

I’m a good person no matter how poorly I treat others – This is perhaps the most fundamental and common problem that prevents people from manifesting the self-improvement they’re working toward.  When we do negative things to others, we should not add the word “but” after it.  The word “but” negates, excuses or justifies the bad act.  However, this type of pardon when we use the “but” word, is extremely commonplace.  Ask yourself, “How many people simply state that they are a bad person — period?” Hardly anybody.  Many of us want to do whatever it is that we want to do, with little or no regard for how it affects others, yet still at the end of the day, hold onto the thought of “But I’m a good person.”

“I know I hurt him when I didn’t pay him back the money I borrowed, but I’m a good person,” a woman says regarding a male friend she just financially exploited.  “My finances have been really tight, and he has enough money anyway,” she further rationalizes.  Here, we see how this woman is trying do exactly what she wants to do with no regard for the other person she is hurting, yet still conclude with the concept that she is still a good person when it’s all said and done. 

This woman also would not take his calls regarding him getting his money back, refused to explain her financial situation to him, or to give him the chance to understand where she was coming from.  If she would have put the energy into trying to somehow work things out with him; even asking for a time extension, requesting to pay him back in smaller increments, or just telling him what her problems were, the situation may have been able to be resolved positively.  Instead, she uses her energy to proclaim that she is a good person, which is simply a way of her needing to make herself feel OK for what she’s done, when she could have tried to fix this issue between herself and her male friend.

Lying, manipulation, and deception – Often, we create an excuse or rationalization as to why we would lie, manipulate and deceive.  Most of us who are working on self-improvement, would not feel OK just doing such things without qualifying it in our own minds.  Yet qualifying it prevents us from facing and healing it. 

“I had to lie to my boss, as I might have gotten fired if he knew I that I kept using company time for my own private project,” a company employee says.  This man may think he got away with it, but this type of lie creates negative karma.  Why?  Because whenever we take away another person’s ability to make a choice, we indeed create negative karma.  Here, this employee is not giving his boss the chance to make HIS choice – whether to accept his actions, reprimand him, or terminate his employment.  This sort of action may seem benign, as if, who would ever know?  However, just because one isn’t caught, doesn’t mean that their action doesn’t affect their journey.  This choice of lying to his boss helps to keep this company employee in an insincere and deceptive vibration, which doesn’t lend itself to spiritual growth.

Cheating on our partners – With cheating being done behind the back of our partner, he or she is not only denied their ability to make a choice, but their well being, and physical health (regarding sexually transmitted diseases) is completely disregarded and put at serious risk.

“I told my husband that I needed to go to the west coast to deal with a family matter.  But I’m actually going to meet a man I’ve been corresponding with over the Internet and have sex with him.  I don’t mean to hurt my husband, but I’m so bored in my marriage, and just need a little excitement,” a bored housewive explains.

Here, by this wife cheating on her husband, she creates negative karma.  She is denying her husband his ability to make a choice, deceiving him and also putting him at risk.  If she told him what she was really going to the west coast for, he might possibly accept such a choice, try and work on saving the marriage, or request a divorce.  But through being cheated on, he is having the wool pulled over his eyes, so to speak, and is denied his divine right to make his choice.  This action brings down the vibration of the wife who is doing it, and therefore, makes it harder for her to enlighten herself through self-help techniques, while engaging in such activity.

Using others for our own selfish gain – When we see someone else as a vehicle to benefit us (at the other person’s sole expense with no regard for their well being), it is an act that holds us hostage to a negative internal vibration, which holds us back from legitimate growth.

“This person had some information I needed for a new career project I want to launch, so I took her to lunch several times and played the game like I was interested in her as a person.  I wasn’t really interested in her as a friend, so much, but just wanted to pick her brain and get the info I needed,” a male entrepreneur confesses.

This entire act and motive displays the germ of its defeat in its inception.  With no regard for the other person, it creates a negative energy.  Here, it is not a question of whether he got what he wanted or not.  He did get what he wanted, and fooled the other person in the process.  Yet his motivation was faulty from the beginning.  As so many of us base our perception of our actions on the fact of whether we get what we want or not, our actions become OK (in our own minds) if we can get what we want in the end.  We’ll find a way to make ourselves feel OK, as we know inside that what we did was wrong, but still, insist on feeling good about it!  This is a rationalization that still allows us to have our way, but still excuses the fact that we hurt another in the process.  However, actions that harm or exploit others are never beneficial to actual self-improvement, and are not neutralized or negated by creative visualizations or positive affirmations. 

Selfishness masquerading as altruism – Many people pretend that they’re acting out of selflessness and for the good of others, when in actuality, they have a self-centered and selfish agenda all along.

I knew a man who would always go out of his way to help people, supposedly because he cared for people and the human race.   He claimed his motives were completely altruistic and of a humanitarian nature.  However, as I got to know him better, I observed something about him every time he did something for another.  He always was looking for something in return.  He either wanted to be approved of and told how wonderful he was, have these people be indebted toward him so they owed him (which put him in the position of power), or he wanted a definite favor in return.  Yet he would always try and present himself as the person who was just a do-gooder for others, as if his actions were coming from a higher place of consciousness.  The disingenuousness of his actions held him back from really growing in the way he claimed he wanted to, as these choices were of self-interest and not the self-delusional premise of humanitarianism he presented them to be.  If he simply learns to help others with no basis of self-interest, he will evolve as a person.

Meanness justified through victimization – There are those who excuse their own mean acts toward others, based on supposed or past hurts that are not related to the current situation at all.

“Hey, I don’t mean to treat you so terribly, but I’m still not over my last relationship,” a woman says to her new boyfriend.  This woman is choosing to make her new boyfriend pay the price for what supposedly happened to her before.  This new man really does care for her, and is trying his very best to please her. However, she keeps treating him badly, ostensibly because she was hurt before.  This type of treatment of him keeps both parties in a state of arrested development.  Through punishing him, she perpetuates and reinforces the negative vibration she has been in for quite some time herself.  By proclaiming herself to be the victim, this game can keep going, potentially indefinitely.  Even if this man sees through her game, she can maybe find other men who would at least initially buy into her as the victim.  The reason it is a game is because this woman is doing absolutely nothing to try and heal her “issues” from the past.  She admits what she’s doing, yet keeps doing it anyway.

On top of it, it was eventually discovered that she was not representing her “victimization” accurately or correctly at all.  She had twisted the story of her past to make herself out to be a victim.  Therefore, she can illicit false sympathy, which she can get, as men who have been attracted to her buy into her as the victim – after all, a victim supposedly just needs a little TLC and patience for everything to work out.  (There is something quite romantic about saving a wounded person through your love.)

So initially, she is seen as a sympathetic character, which reinforces to a man that he can feel comfortable in moving forward with the relationship.  This woman is not working on healing her issues, which prevents her from internal growth and improvement, as her actions are based on a sort of a character she’s created to manipulate and punish men she’s involved with.  She needs to let this sensibility go to stop the repetitive, old and destructive patterns.

Interrupting and not listening to others we’ve wronged – Interrupting is clearly a way of shutting people out and not listening.  In addition, when we refuse to listen to those who we’ve wronged, we add insult to injury.

I knew a woman who interrupted constantly.  In fact, one couldn’t complete a sentence without her cutting them off, changing the subject, or simply talking over them.  After a while, it became apparent that this woman wasn’t interested in really hearing anything anyone else was saying to her.  It was always about her – her proving her point, her being right and not really blending with anyone else.  How could this person begin to really improve herself, when she can’t even listen to another person’s opinion?

Worse that that, though, is that when she wronged someone, she would refuse to listen to them when they needed to express their hurt to her.  I remember a male friend of hers sent a letter to her as to why he wanted to end their friendship, detailing the many hurts that she had inflicted on him.  Instead of listening and trying to understand, she fired back counter attacks and took absolutely no responsibility for her actions.  This man needed to be heard, which could have saved, or at least partially saved the friendship.  However, her refusal to even acknowledge what she had done terminated the bond. 

Ego gets in the way – Most of us don’t like to be told or feel that we’re wrong.  Often, when we’ve hurt others, our ego and defense mechanisms don’t want to take responsibility for our actions. Therefore, we turn it back around on the person or persons we’ve hurt, which creates even more negative karma that the original negative act we did.

“My friend told me that I was the one who was inconsiderate for not showing up for the plans we made,” a man says.  “I had to remind her of the times that I didn’t like the way that she handled certain situations, and also, how I had something come up and completely forgot our plans.  Why should I apologize to her?”

In this instance, this man’s ego is in the way.  Instead of putting himself in the place of his friend, who was sincerely upset and hurt that the plans they mutually agree to weren’t followed through on by him, he turned it around on her.  Citing erroneous examples of what she did before, and rationalizing why he didn’t show up, allows his ego to win and be victorious.  When this happen, we further dig ourselves deeper into a negative spiritual vibration.

This type of thing could be turned around even further yet, so that this man pretends that he has to forgive her for her “overreaction,” and even performs a bogus forgiveness meditation.  The appropriate thing to have done, would have simply been for him to apologize and make it up to her.  With that apology, he would grow, she would feel better and the vibration within him and her is elevated and lifted higher.

Holding anyone in a mental place of anger, resentment, and punishment – To spiritually evolve and improve our lives, we must hold everyone, especially those who we feel have hurt us in a place of absolute forgiveness and unconditional love.

 “I hate my mother,” a young woman flatly states.  “She allowed my father to abuse me when I was a child, and did absolutely nothing to protect me.  I wish she would die and rot in hell.  Whenever I think of her, I wish that she would go through exactly what I’ve been through.”  Here, this hatred will poison this young woman, and bring her life down immeasurably.  And like with most of us who feel this way, something really did happen.  Hardly anyone makes it up, or fantasizes something like this.

But the way the universe is set up, is that whatever we wish upon others, will come back to us.  There isn’t an exemption clause to this universal law that states that it is Ok to wish bad upon those who have legitimately caused us pain.  This law applies across the board.  For this young woman, this is her issue that needs to be healed.  Meditating more, for example, won’t heal this problem, as she needs to face it and work on healing how she feels toward her mother and finding peace in her heart.

Holding onto negative emotions from before — Often, we feel we can’t let go, or we simply choose to not release the negative emotions within ourselves regarding our past experiences.  Remember, heaven is not a physical place, like Los Angeles, California that you can take a plane to get to.  It is a state of consciousness.  To be in a heavenly state here, or on the other side, we must cleanse and rid ourselves of the internal negative emotions regarding our past experiences.

 “Jim, you don’t know what I’ve been through.  I have been divorced three times, and my first ex husband abused me.  How do you expect me to let go of that,” a client questions?  “So don’t tell me to let go of the pain, when you haven’t lived through it.”

Here, we see how this person is trying to validate holding onto their pain.  It would be like having an excruciating, debilitating headache, and attacking a doctor who was trying to help the person get rid of it.  Of course, no one knows what any other person has been through.  That goes without saying.

But in this instance, this person could read all of the self help books in the world, but until they work on the real problem, which is letting go of the pain of three failed marriages, it will do little or no good to help this person improve their life. They must not obfuscate the problem, and face it for what it is – and then, they will truly begin healing their journey.

Finding comfort in being a victim – It can be so safe to be a victim.  “Why,” you might ask?  Because a victim can never be blamed; they are not responsible for their life; they can feel sorry for themselves; and when things don’t work out, it is always someone else’s fault. It can also illicit sympathy from others.

“I don’t care about anything anymore,” a man says. “ Everything I have tried has never worked, so I’m just giving up.  Nothing will ever work for me, and everyone has treated me badly.”  This man is sealing his own fate by pronouncing out loud into the power of the spoken word that things will never work out, as they never have before.  What he doesn’t realize, though, is that he is holding on to the identity of being a victim, and with that, there is a comfort.  Think of it: No chances, no failure, no risk, and no self blame.  It is utterly safe.  To wallow in self-pity and feel sorry for oneself, becomes its own perverse type of comfort and prevents internal growth.  No amount of affirming positive blessings changes this, as the problem must be faced for what is really is.

Being closed and blocked within — When we are internally closed to something, we won’t be able to manifest it.  As the great metaphysical master Florence Shinn said, “A blessing can never come to you, it must come through you.”  Meaning, we must be an open channel for God to bring us a blessing. 

Often, I’ve seen clients claim they want something desperately, like a new romantic relationship.  However, they are actually internally closed to it.  This could be based on past hurt, fears, and issues that have not been resolved from before.  So they’re actually shut down, even though they may not know it or be willing to admit it.

It’s like pulling oneself in opposite directions — there is a war within.  With these blocks, a new and positive lover won’t come into the person’s life.  They must work diligently on removing the blocks, by coming to terms with what the problems actually are.  It isn’t just a matter of affirming that these blocks disappear or reinforcing the positive.  We must acknowledge what we’re trying to let go of, as how could we heal something, if we don’t know what it is that we’re trying to heal?  By removing these internal blocks through honest acknowledgement and healing, the door can be opened for someone new and wonderful to enter the person’s life.

What I’ve attempted to do in Part 1 of this writing is to explain many of the reasons why and when self-help doesn’t work.  In Part 2, I will tackle the concept of why people fight against healing their negative issues and refuse to heal.   For self-help to really work for us, we must be self-honest, work hard, along with facing reality.  These keys are the true tools we need for positive transformation in our lives and that is the ultimate goal, which I will attempt to address n Part 2 of “When self-help doesn’t help!”

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.

Topic: Letting go of negative emotions
Goal: To no longer hold onto the negative emotions from our past experiences, as theses emotions only prevent us from having a positive life.

 I now let go of and release the negative emotions from my past experiences!

If you are interested in having a reading with Jim1537, click here.