Voice of the Spirit

We are most likely all quite familiar with the old mainstay of: “Actions speak louder than words.”  In fact, we’ve all probably heard it a million times before.  This statement can refer to anyone who claims through their words to care for us so very much, but doesn’t really back up those assertions through their actions and in the way that they treat us. Family members make promises of offering emotional and financial support, then renege, or at least fall short via their actions.  Friends can promise to listen to your troubles when you’re going through a tough time, then not follow through, and let those promises just fade away through their actions.  In these scenarios, we see ourselves, as well as the other parties involved, illustrating this old mainstay, both playing out one piece of this two-part puzzle.

But what if we look at: “Actions speak louder than words” from the perspective of only one person carrying out both the actions and the words?  One person plays out both roles.  There is no love interest or another party involved – just you and your relationship to yourself.  Is what you’re doing really the same thing as what you’re saying?  And if not, why?

So many examples come to mind when we think of our actions speaking louder than our words:  “I want a real relationship with a wonderful man,” a woman claims.  However, she only dates married, involved or unattainable men.  Obviously, her actions don’t match the claim of her words.

“I really want to be thin,” a man declares.  However, he overeats daily, and refuses to modify his eating habits to lose weight. 

“I want to be a great success in my career,” a young man boldly proclaims.  In reality, though, he is lazy, wants something for nothing, and doesn’t work hard in his career at all.

Most people don’t really try and look at their underlying issues and problems, which create and perpetuate this dichotomy.  However, it is absolutely crucial to get to the bottom of why our actions and words are not the same, if we ever want to be successful in life.

Not understanding your emotional buttons

Often, we just may not know what our emotional triggers are.  We could believe that somehow our issues are not because of us, but just the luck of the draw.  You know the old clichés:  “Some of us are lucky and some of us aren’t.”  “Life really sucks.”  “Things just don’t work out for me.”   

As mentioned above, this woman could merely think that she can’t control who she chooses to love; it just happens.  It’s like the concepts of:  “I got bit by the love bug” or “Love is blind.”  Without taking responsibility for her choices in love (as of course they are always her choices), her actions and words remain at odds with each other.

With that mindset, she won’t heal her romantic life as she is caught in a pattern.  It doesn’t matter that she isn’t aware of such a pattern.  It still creates the reality of bringing her the same type of men over and over again.  She may not understand her mechanisms, yet she must learn to do so if she wishes to change her situation and manifest her dream of a successful romantic relationship.  In this instance, what she really wants,  to only be with men who are married, involved, or unattainable, contradicts what she says,  “I want a real relationship.”  Since she doesn’t know any better, she needs to make the journey of self-discovery to come to terms with what she really feels – not just fall back on what she verbally claims to feel. 

Here are the reasons for her conflict:  She has a strong fear of commitment, which is based on witnessing her parents viciously fight throughout her childhood.  Then when she was 18, her parent’s marriage ended in a nasty divorce and nothing was ever resolved between her mother and father.  This experience of her first 18 years, laid the foundation for her tremendous fear of commitment (which she is unaware of). 

Within her emotions (which represent her actions), commitment equals violence, fighting, torture and imprisonment.  Therefore, she will avoid commitment at all costs and do all she can to only magnetize to and attract men who will not and can not ever give her that commitment.  This way, she stays safe.

One couldn’t tell her to just stop being attracted to the men who she currently desires  – that wouldn’t work.  She needs to first end these relationships to no longer feed the old patterns.  Then, she should work to emotionally come to a place of inner peace with the way her parent’s marriage and divorce shaped and affected her.  By achieving peace with her past, she will naturally move away from wanting married, involved, or unattainable men.   Her attractions will shift toward a better person for her through her healing.  By learning to understand herself, she will now know better emotionally (not just mentally, as represented by her words).  This helps her to manifest her dream of a successful love life.

How big is your denial?

A person in denial is someone who lies to themselves, rationalizes, knows the truth, but refuses to deal with it or face it.  It is usually quite obvious to others when we’re in denial.  Often, our denial is so blatant, that others are in disbelief that we’re actually in it and don’t choose to see it ourselves.

Regarding the man who claims he wants to be thin, yet overeats daily, it would seem obvious to most of us what he is doing.  “Just stop overeating.  Then, you’ll begin to lose the weight,” a friend remarks.  But remember, the man who overeats daily is not willing to acknowledge his own denial.  Why? Because he doesn’t choose to — because he doesn’t want to.  In short, he still wants to overeat.

But by claiming through his words that he wants to lose weight, it actually allows him to keep overeating.  Why?  It’s as if his words indicate that he is attempting to lose weight, even though he is not trying to do so at all.  And if he’s supposedly trying, how can he be criticized?  He could always turn around and say to someone who sheds light on his eating habits, “I’m trying to lose weight and sure I make mistakes, as I’m not perfect. But I’m trying.  Don’t you have issues and problems, too?”  Here, his words also provide a defense.

The words provide a safe hiding place for his actions (to continue overeating), because, with his words, he is saying the right thing.  In this instance, if he stops the words, there is nothing to hide the very obvious reality that he chooses to keep overeating daily and gain weight, so the words serve as the perfect smokescreen.

People can deny anything they want to, and through their words, keep what they’re in denial about going.  I remember a female client who claimed that she wanted more than anything to catch her husband cheating, and then, she would divorce him.  However, when she finally walked in on him in bed with another woman, she denied that there was any sex involved: “They were just laying there and talking,” she said.  So she really didn’t want what her words so boldly stated, as she stayed married to him (as represented by her actions).

We must no longer use words to facilitate our own denial.  If we’re not doing (in our actions) what we’re claiming we want to do through our words, we must immediately start to look at our real motives and intentions, which are always shown by our actions and choices.  By doing so, our actions and words can begin to work in harmony and together.

When fear provides a covert mission

We fight so hard to silence our fears…Often, we don’t know what we’re afraid of, and frequently have no idea of what we’re actually scared of.  This may sound like the craziest thing you’ve ever read, because we all think of fear as anxiety, panic, a fast heartbeat, sweating, raw terror, shaking in our boots, and running for cover – as something we could never not know.  Certainly we think of fear as something we would always be aware of – like how could we not hear a deafeningly loud siren going off?  So how does it make sense to say that we would not even be aware of an energy we’ve felt as so tremendously overwhelming?

Some fears are quite well disguised and well hidden.  These emotional/psychological fears are designed to operate in our inner reality in such a way that we don’t ever know that they are there – at all.  And that is the purpose and covert mission of such fears.  They carefully architect and build walls and defenses within us, deigned to protect us from danger (in these instances, emotional/psychological danger).  Internal brick walls are created and built through our own emotional pain:  resentment, hurt, anger, rage, fear, and any negative emotions we carry. 

This way, our words will indicate what we want on the surface, but our actions (which represent our covert fears), will make sure to not let the request of our words ever come to fruition.  This can occur in many ways: 

1.  Through building walls so thick within us that our verbal requests do not have an open door to manifest in our lives,
2.  To remove and eliminate anything or anyone that threatens these fears,
3.  Avoiding situations and circumstances that challenge the territorial stronghold of these fears, and
4.  Making choices that are self destructive to us.

Regarding the man who verbally claimed he wanted to be successful in his career, his fear of success was the covert fear than undermined him time and time again.  This fear came from a deep seated feeling of inadequacy within him, and not feeling worthy of success as he believed he was “not good enough.”  So his covert fears did their best to assist him in destroying success in his career.

He would refuse to show up on time for work, and would always act as if he was just tied up with things, suggesting that his tardiness was excusable and benign.  He would argue regularly with his boss, ostensibly because he was trying to help the company, and standing up for his employee rights.  In addition, he would be unnecessarily argumentative with co coworkers, which made his co workers not like him at all.  When he had opportunities to legitimately advance within the company, he would drop the ball and not rise to the challenge; therefore, promotions were denied him.

Here we see that the fears within his subconscious mind and internal emotions were acting against his conscious interests, which were for him to be successful in his career.  These inner fears within him were controlling his actions from behind the scenes.  When I first brought this to his attention, he had no idea what I was talking about.

“Are you saying that I am actually sabotaging my own career?” he asked in shock.  My answer to him was, “Absolutely, yes.”  If you think of it, it makes perfect sense if you simply look at his actions.  Again, these fears are supposed to be hidden from conscious view – he is not supposed to know that they are there.  These fears function like a dysfunctional misguided sort of a guardian angel.

“Why would these fears need to be covert?,” you might ask.  Because if they are hidden from our conscious view, these fears are never healed, which means that they can continue to protect us, and here’s what happens:

• Our fears remain in control of us (and we stay emotionally “safe”).
• Our fears go unchallenged (and fear continues to be in control of our lives).
• Our fears cause us to shut down and make self-destructive choices (the longer the fears remain in our consciousness, the worse our lives become).

With covert fears, it is hard for us to determine the nature of the problem, where it begins and how it affects us.  With overt fears, you’re aware of them, so you’ll take steps to deal with them or merely practice avoidance.  If you’re afraid of flying, you won’t get on a plane, or you’ll take a pill to handle it, or if you’re afraid of elevators, you’ll take the stairs. However, with covert fears, they are hard to detect, as they are designed be hidden,;plus, they become a part of our inner make up and go unnoticed, in the same way we don’t pay attention to the functioning of our kidneys, or other organs.  So words provide the perfect cover, a masterful camouflage.

What my client needs to do is to see the conflict between his actions in his career, and his words.  With covert fears, it is a more complex and difficult puzzle to put together.  He, as with all of us, must look at the area or areas of our lives where we verbally say we want something, yet through our actions and choices, we manifest the opposite, or something different from what we verbally state.  By making the journey of uncovering our covert fears, we are set free to have our actions and words work in a unified way.

The result is chaos

Whether we mean it or not, the sum total of all of these actions, motives, feelings and reasons lead us down a path of conflict of confusion.  When we think of it, it’s easy to say the right thing.  Words are easy to come by – we’ve all heard the phrase “Talk is cheap.”  So many times, we use our words as a vehicle of avoidance and denial.  The words provide the illusion that we really mean what we say. 

However, in reality, if our actions don’t back up those words, there’s something wrong, and that is from within us.  And that has to do with the games we play on ourselves:

1. Sometimes we’re not aware or choose to not be aware of the inner conflicts we possess, so we stay in the dark, which perpetuates the conflict between our actions and our words. 
2. We don’t really emotionally want what we verbally claim we do, so the words disguise where we’re really coming from, as indicated by our actions. 
3. We are weak minded, and only want something for nothing, or what comes easily, so the “talk is cheap” cliché applies. 
4. Our fears are in control, and block us from manifesting dreams, or motivate us to only make bad choices, which are contrary to the positive words we state. 
5. We don’t want to face or acknowledge who we really are, as it is not flattering or complimentary to ourselves, so our words put a nice and false front on what we’re really doing.

Realize that with this game, no one wins – as it is us who most certainly lose.  After all, who’s getting fooled in the end?  The solution must come through a marriage of sorts – a partnership that works between our words and our actions, where they are no longer separated, or diametrically opposed to each other…

One and the same

We must work toward our actions and our words being one and the came – it is a tremendously important step for us to achieve on a spiritual level.  When we are in conflict – when we are duplicitous, it is literally like taking two steps forward, then two steps backward.  As God created us in one single divine image, one of utter perfection and invincibility, we must work through all of our “stuff,” and all of our “issues,” with the sole intent of making our actions and our words no different from each other.  Just like we need to have our right leg work in harmony with our left leg, our mind, body and spirit to be on the same page regarding our overall health and well being, we must make our actions and words have a total commitment of unification to each other.

That comes from understanding who we are on a deeper level, coming out of denial, and uncovering our darkest and hard to detect fears.  This takes work, yet it is necessary.  Watch all that you choose and say with diligence and persistence, and observe where you fall short.  Keep uncovering the story of you – your inner workings and their complexities, as unweaving that most complex puzzle is your key.

As we work through this seemingly endless maze, we come to a place of completion, based on clarity, self-honesty, courage, diligence, oneness, simplicity and true purpose…And then, with our actions speaking no louder, no softer, no different — but rather, exactly the same as our words, our dreams will manifest in our lives.

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