Voice of the Spirit

I concluded Part 1 of “When self help doesn’t help” with the commitment to writing about why we refuse to heal, and what we need really do to change our negative qualities and behavioral patterns here in Part 2 of this two-part series. As stated in my last blog entry, all of the positive techniques of self-help and self-improvement we seek and utilize: Creative visualizations, affirmations, meditation, etc., do little or no good to improve our lives, unless we face, address, and heal the negativity in our lives – which comes solely from us.

We need to set ourselves free and manifest the lives we dream of – lives that are free from the limitations of the negativity which starts from within and externalizes in our lives! So why is it then, that we refuse to do just that for ourselves…? Does it make any sense for any of us to continue hurting ourselves, and those around us? Why do we get in the way of our own healing, and what must we do to make our lives legitimately successful? Below, I would like to address the reasons why we refuse to heal and change our lives for the better, and what we need to do to bring about positive growth and transformation.

It’s not flattering – Remember, facing our own negative qualities is never easy to do, and it certainly is not flattering to who we like to see ourselves as being. We all have our own self-image of ourselves, and that image is quite different than who we really are. Often, we don’t want to see the ugliness in us, as it doesn’t feel good, and it certainly is not flattering to call ourselves on the carpet for our own “stuff.” It’s even worse when someone else does this to us. How many of us like, or accept another person telling us something not good, or negative about ourselves?

“Don’t tell me that I’m not considerate of you. You always get your way, and we always do what YOU want,” John says to his girlfriend Cindy, who has just expressed her concerns to John regarding how he’s been treating her. However, in reality, it is John who has always been the inconsiderate one: The couple does what John feels like doing, goes where he wants to go, and he is the one who always makes the decisions in the relationship. Everything has to go John’s way, and Cindy complies, until she reaches the breaking point where she just can’t take it anymore. And when she addresses her concerns with John, it is like walking into a hornet’s nest. Why? Because what she is saying (although true), it is not at all flattering to the self-image John has created of himself. Therefore, he turns it all around and hurls it back on her.

Instead of legitimately considering what Cindy is saying, he immediately goes into a mode of attack, which for all intents and purposes, prevents him from healing, as he is refusing to see anyone else’s point of view – in this instance, his devoted girlfriend Cindy’s.

For him to become a better person, what he would need to do is to step outside of his inconsiderate, selfish and controlling ways and start looking at Cindy’s concerns with an open mind. What is she saying? Why is she saying it? John needs to ask himself if he has done these things to Cindy: “Have I been inconsiderate and selfish? Is everything about me?” Remember, it takes great courage to face these questions, as they are not at all flattering to who John perceives himself to be. However, he must heal these issues if he intends on really improving himself as a person. Coming to terms with his inconsiderateness, selfishness and changing his ways to truly consider Cindy’s needs will do infinitely more for his self-improvement than unlimited positive creative visualizations.

Life or death survival — Usually, we immediately go into a defensive mode when someone expresses their concerns to us regarding the negative way we have been treating them. When someone addresses such issues with us, it can trigger our fear of survival. In our own minds, it is as if someone is attacking our very ability to live and breathe. Our fear of staying alive is engaged.

This is a carry over from primitive times, when we really were always in danger of survival – ancient times, say, as when we were living in the jungle. Around every corner and at every turn, we could die – literally. This fear of survival was so deeply branded into our consciousness, that it is still present in our collective and individual psyches.

Today, we hardly face life and death situations and circumstances (as when we lived in the jungle), so this fear of survival is now applied and allocated to emotional and psychological issues: Power plays in the workplace, encroaching on our neighbor’s property, being emotionally confronted when being inconsiderate, feeling challenged when we are playing mind games, someone questioning us regarding our need to be in control, being threatened by emotional intimacy in a relationship, and the list goes on and on…

That’s how fear works – it is always about survival. When someone confronts us about who we are or what we’ve done, it is a reflexive knee jerk reaction that frequently takes place within us. We must defend ourselves!!! But it is this very defensiveness that prevents us from healing our lives. We won’t really grow as long as we need to see ourselves in a light that is only designed to make us feel warm and fuzzy about ourselves. It is paramount that we must be willing and open to see our actions, choices, thoughts and deeds for the negativity and ugliness that they are.

If we just continue to react, as if someone has literally just pulled a gun on us, we won’t be able to even begin to grasp what we need to do to heal our lives. What we should do is to observe ourselves if and when we feel like we’re going to overreact in an inappropriate way, and instead, step back, take a deep breath, and NOT react. All of the self help books in the world won’t matter, as long as we react like we’re fighting to stay alive – simply through inappropriate triggers, based on our interactions with others in our day to day lives.

“Would you stop emailing me and leave me alone,” Joanne shrieks at her new boyfriend? “I’ll get back to you when I have time, OK,” she fires back in an email response! Here, the real reason as to why Joanne is reacting this way is not because she is busy or because she has things to do; it is based on her fear of survival.

Joanne was recently divorced, and now feels that commitment equals being in a prison (even though she won’t acknowledge that fact). As she felt trapped in a miserable marriage for twenty years, now her fear of closeness and commitment is as strong as a wild animal of the jungle who is afraid of being caged. In her fearful mind, she has been set free (through her divorce from an emotionally imprisoning marriage), and does not want to get trapped again. Joanne reacted disproportionately and therefore, showed her true colors – that she is afraid, in fact, terrified. “Of exactly what,” you might question? Of intimacy and commitment.

So when her new boyfriend Steve emailed her several times as he hadn’t heard from her and was worried about her, she attacked him like a wild animal who had been backed into a corner. Was Steve being pesty? No, not at all, as he and Joanne had been communicating multiple times daily for 10 weeks, and now, he hadn’t heard back from her in 9 days. It would make perfect sense as to why he was concerned.

So what does Joanne do then? Should she just continue reacting in this way, time and time again? Of course not. Joanne needs to stop overreacting, and begin observing her behavior honestly, without blinders on, or the following mental scapegoats: “I don’t want to be bothered right now — I’m in a bad mood – He’s too smothering,” etc. These scapegoats only obfuscate the real issues at play, which is her fear of intimacy and commitment, plain and simple.

All of the positive affirmations she could say will not really help her, as her issue is how her fear of survival is connected and bound to her intimate relationships; based on what she had been through in her marriage and divorce. Now, she must face it, address it and heal it, if she really is committed to self-improvement.

The big payoff – When we engage in negative behavior, we often like to make excuses: “I’m the victim — I’ve been wronged before — I don’t know why I did it — I didn’t mean to — It’s your fault.” These rationalizations may sound quite generic, because they are. These excuses don’t begin to explain the real answers as to why we engage in and perpetuate bad behavior. In reality, there are always reasons as to why we act in certain ways – and those reasons constitute an emotional psychological payoff for us – often, a big ugly payoff.

In the same way we do things based on our positive needs, such as eating to stay alive; we also do things based on our negative needs, such as certain husbands who cheat on their wives for their own sense of ego, excitement and recreation. Needs, whether positive or negative, always seek to be nourished.

“I met this young hot girl who was flirting with me, and I just had to go for it,” Jerry says. “I’m not getting divorced; this was just a fun thing, you know, to make me feel good, and to get a little wild.” Here, Jerry receives a big payoff; one that is ripe with negativity, but nonetheless, a payoff: Needing to inflate his ego, excitement, and wanting to feel a sense of adventure. These motives are not ones that most of us would consider endearing – yet they do explain Jerry’s payoff.

Keep in mind that we are conditioned to think of “our needs” as somehow being synonymous with something that is healthy or good for us as well as others. In actuality, needs can be either positive or negative as mentioned above, yet most of us don’t like to think of the payoff we’re receiving in negative terms. If we see the payoff as negative, then we can’t justify continuing to engage in bad behavior that is harmful to ourselves and others. In the short of it, doing the negative stuff feels good to us in some way, or we wouldn’t keep doing it.

Bullies, whether children or adults, love to physically hurt others. They get off on it. Their fist doesn’t just inadvertently fly into some other person’s face randomly. It is on purpose, and creates a big payoff: Feeling powerful, establishing superiority and dominance, intimidating others, feeling in control, and releasing their anger and hostility onto others, which makes them feel relieved as they’ve unloaded their anger on someone else and therefore, have vented their frustrations. All of these motives are quite ugly, yet they are real for those who engage in this type of activity, as it creates a big payoff.

With the example of an emotional psychological payoff, we get something out of our negative behavior – a dark reward prize. So how do we convince people in this mindset to go change their ways? Should we recommend that they end their big payoff? Think of it, how can we make the case to go from something (even though it is not good) to nothing? That won’t work. What we need to do, is to replace the negative payoff with a positive payoff. One that helps others and enriches everyone’s lives!

So if someone is working on self-help, they must begin to redirect their negative payoffs to positive ones. First, acknowledging what they’re doing without blinders on is the initial step. Then, they must systematically redirect their choices from bad to good – and that won’t be easy. However, it must be done. Meditating all day long will do very little good, if one continues to seek and indulge in negative payoffs in their life. By building on positive payoffs, legitimate self-improvement will occur.

It takes hard work – A lot of people think of self-help in a very superficial way: Say some affirmations, burn some candles, do a few cleansings and you’re in business. However, the real self-improvement we seek through self help is hard work and not accomplished overnight. As I said in last week’s newsletter, it’s where you separate the men from the boys, metaphorically – those who work hard versus those who are looking for a quick and easy fix. And it’s all about facing the worst qualities you have, and tackling them head on. In the same way you couldn’t lose 50 pounds in a week, it takes consistent and diligent effort to really improve ourselves.

“Ok Jim, I know I’ve dated some rotten losers, but now I want the right man for me, so where is he? I did some affirmations and visualizations, and I’m ready to meet Mr. Right,” a client impatiently states. Here, we see that this person is looking for a quick fix, but is she really willing to do any real work to manifest her heart’s desire? Coming to terms with why she liked bad men, and reprogramming her needs and desires to now be healthy are things that she needs to do for herself. Our emotional natures do not change overnight and must be healed and redirected by hard work throughout time.

Not just in this client’s case, but for all of us, there is no quick fix to truly self improve. This is exactly why people who only approach self-help from a superficial level simply don’t get there. The real key is to be prepared for hard work – and know that diligent and consistent effort really does help you to manifest your dreams, more than any amount of aura cleansings will. If you take it one simple day at a time, you’ll get there.

The ego gets attached – When we look at the reasons why we don’t really improve when working on self-help, one of the most overlooked issues is how our egos get attached to certain things – in this instance, negative things. The ego likes to have its way, and get what it wants – and it is stubborn and resistant to growth. So whatever negative qualities our ego is attached to, creates problems for us. We may be into lying, because we like getting away with things and fooling people, or arguing with others to prove that we are right. Many of us like winning at everything and can’t accept losing – even at something as basic as checkers. But when the ego is in the way, our attempts at self-help prove to be of little or no value.

George is a man who always has to be right. He’ll argue over politics, religion, and just about anything at all. With this mindset, he never listens or learns – he just keeps trying to force his self-righteous opinions (falsely stated as facts) upon others. “Don’t tell me who will be the right president. I already know, and I will tell you,” George exclaims! When someone else states an opposing point of view, George immediately cuts them off, while dismissing their insights as hogwash. “Oh you don’t know what you’re talking about, and you’re wrong as wrong can be,” George firmly states.

So here, George refuses to listen and learn, which only strengthens the density and darkness of his ego. If he ever wishes to take advantage of his efforts to improve his life, he must first learn to build his reality without the ugliness of his ego. Not just in George’s case, but for all of us, this is something we all must do, as removing this aspect of the ego opens infinite doors to self-improvement.

Be self-honest — When we are engaging in negative behavior, we hardly want to acknowledge such behaviors for what they are. Instead, we try and keep it all hidden, rationalized, and disguised. Why? Because, then the negative behavior does not have to be healed or changed and we still get to do what it is that we want to do. Meaning, the negative payoff we are receiving can still keep paying dividends to us. In cut to the chase terms, we won’t have to grow or truly change. Often, excuses can provide a distraction from looking at the real issues.

“I’m working on myself and I’m sorry that I’m not perfect, but I’m trying,” a woman says. “I do yoga and go to therapy.” But here, this woman is also engaging in an extra marital affair behind her husband’s back with her best friend’s husband. She is not addressing this issue and not being self-honest about it at all. She isn’t discussing it in therapy, or trying to stop the affair. She just thinks that by going to therapy and doing yoga that somehow she will improve as a person.

We must work at being self-honest, and calling a spade a spade. This requires removing the blinder and justifications, and looking at ourselves, and our actions in a very sobering way. It is like splashing cold water in your face early in the morning. It can be quite startling.

We must regularly question our motives, and keep probing as to why we do what we do – over and over again, especially when we hurt ourselves and others. We must think of real self-improvement very much like peeling away the layers of an onion. It is a long and involved process. All of the self-help techniques in the world will not help us to heal, while we are still engaging in negative and destructive behaviors. We must work at being self-honest, which is a vital key to real self-help and self-improvement.

Don’t be offended – Don’t be offended by seeing yourself in ways that are not flattering. Remember, we are all flawed, and that’s OK! Don’t hold on to a defensive stance like a person who can never be confronted about anything. We have all known that type of individual. They’ll blow up and counterattack you for anything you say, unless it is exactly what they want to hear. Don’t be that that way, as you’ll make yourself and others utterly miserable.

There are many psychological / emotional reasons as to why we don’t deal with our own “stuff.” It is not flattering to face one’s own demons. To acknowledge that we are engaging in ugly or negative behavior without any excuses or rationalizations can make us look like a “bad person.” So, instead, we choose to avoid such seemingly self-incriminating thoughts and perceptions.

But we shouldn’t think of ourselves as bad people – we don’t need to look at ourselves as if we have been branded with a “bad person” branding iron right across the forehead, no matter what our issues are. A negative issue should be looked at enthusiastically as something we need to heal. Don’t let any negative possibility of who you are and what you’ve done offend you, as there is absolutely nothing to be offended about.

“Let the person without sin throw the first stone,” is a great Biblical phrase of truth. I would like to take it even further: We have all reincarnated more times than we can count and all of us have all done horrible things, yes – just awful things — worse than we could now imagine. We have all committed murder – that’s right, every one of us has killed, as we all have performed unconscionable acts in one lifetime or another…

So let’s drop the vanity, armor, defenses, ego and walls that prevent others from addressing their concerns with our negative behavior toward them, and look at who we are from an honest perspective – one that allows us to really achieve the self-improvement we have struggled to manifest for so long.

Really look in the mirror – Let’s take a look at the woman mentioned above who was betraying her husband through an extra marital affair with her best friend’s husband. She didn’t address the affair in therapy and avoided a real opportunity for growth. If she is really committed to self improvement, she should bring this subject up with her therapist and attempt to get to the bottom of the reasons as to why she was doing this. As therapy can indeed be a tool for transformation, she needs to take this opportunity for self help by really looking in the mirror.

“Why am I betraying my husband? Why am I also betraying my best friend? What am I trying to accomplish through this affair? Why won’t I stop the affair? What are my real motives for doing this?” These are the questions she should be looking to answer.

Of course her first response will be that she’s attracted to her best friend’s husband and can’t help it. But she cannot stop there. She must work to getting to the core of her real motivations and own them without excuses.

She is bored with her husband as he presents no challenge to her, and therefore, wants excitement in her life. She also feels competitive with her best friend. What better way would there be to win, and flex her muscle against this friend, then by having an affair with her husband. It is an ultimate display of power and victory, in the darkest way. She won’t let the affair go as she is too wrapped up into the ego gratification of: winning, excitement, getting away with it, being in control, and like a master manipulator, the one who’s calling all of the shots.

Through her acknowledging these facts, she can begin to use the tools for self help (in this instance, therapy), to really help herself grow as a person, and truly change her life for the better!

In conclusion – In the same way you wouldn’t perform surgery on yourself blindfolded, you must open your eyes and look truthfully at yourself when using self help tools and techniques. These tools for transformation are only useful if you’re really willing to look in the mirror and face your demons – not sweep them under the rug and avoid them. We must be willing to make a deep commitment to unlocking the truth, through making a journey within that is not light and fluffy, but deep, real and life altering.

Also, please do not view looking at, addressing and healing your negative issues and qualities as being a punitive process. You are not being punished, but rather, becoming enlightened and healed! The long and endless journey of discovering you is perhaps the greatest journey of all – one that will help you to be a better being for all of eternity. The more you understand and heal yourself, the more you will gain universal knowledge of everything under the sun. The pathway to enlightenment through self-help is one of facing and healing the ugliest and darkest parts of ourselves. It is removing the negative that helps to set us free, not merely adding positive on top of what is already negative. That does virtually nothing.

Whatever our worst qualities are, God loves us unconditionally. But that is not enough… We must make the journey to always become closer to the image God has created us in – one of not just talking the talk, but walking the walk – and we do that by facing, addressing, and healing all that is dark, ugly and negative within us – and that work will transform our lives for the better — forever.

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